How to respond to messages like this from upcoming guest?

[MerylSqueak]

We have a family member who always joins us for holidays. It's pretty much a standing arrangement. We're happy to have him and love him but he has a terrible way of making us feel that he's making a convenience of us. This isn't a one off but I'll use this one as an example.

We haven't spoken to finalise arrangements for Christmas though we have invited him. I've called or messaged several times over the last few days to ask with no response. This morning I was forwarded a train booking confirmation which was I will admit a few days before I was ready to have him. I then later get a message asking if he can come on that day.

How am I supposed to respond to this? I don't want to make him feel unwelcome, because what's the point of him coming at all if I do, but this just seems to me so rude. Why even bother asking?

Am I just being silly?

Thank you.bi think I will do that. I can't imagine doing similar to someone myself!

If it's your brother I would just let him come and leave him to do his own thing for a few days while you do yours until you're ready to be a full on host, especially if he doesn't have anywhere else to go. You can at some point explain to him that in future he needs to check in advance.

I'd say this CFery needs nipped in the bud. I'd reply with sorry but we have something else on so that would be really inconvenient. X day would be best. If he says oh but I've already booked, just say sorry, I wish you'd checked with me first.

Hi db great that you are coming on x date.
Chores still to do include x y and z. What can I put you down for?
And mean it.

I can see its annoying but I think the replies of "no sorry not convenient until xxdate" would feel very much like you see him as an inconvenience and don't really want him at all.
I'd just let him come, say there are a things to do, and give him. Jobs, most guests do want to be useful.
Maybe the train was cheaper that date, maybe he thinks you love having him for longer stays.. Etc etc..
Maybe he's really lonely

Your brother has nowhere to stay. Effectively you’re housing him for the duration then. Can you get him to muck in? Give him a list of jobs etc.

Sounds like a typically British situation. Because somebody came once they now have to come every Christmas until the end of time

The guy sounds like a cock and an arrogant one at that. Not responding to messages and then forwarding a train booking to tell you he's coming instead of actually "telling you"

@traka

Sounds like a typically British situation. Because somebody came once they now have to come every Christmas until the end of time

The guy sounds like a cock and an arrogant one at that. Not responding to messages and then forwarding a train booking to tell you he's coming instead of actually "telling you"

He's her brother. It's called family.

@IntermittentParps

Ah, the fait accompli! Tell him ‘No, that doesn’t suit me. Wish you’d checked in advance. Happy to welcome you on date]. Cheery-bye.’

Yes this is a good message, and is the sort fo thing I would send (after about three hours of dithering) because I hate being taken for granted

@Slowchimes

Wanting some time to yourself is a perfectly good reason op btw! We've been conditioned to put ourselves last Your needs are just as valid as his!

This! I have immediate family coming to stay from Thursday, until Monday or Tuesday. When I spoke to them, they said they'd be leaving Tuesday or Wednesday. I politely but firmly put them right - I work full time whereas they are retired, I have a small house and I want some time to myself and to see friends before going back to work. This is the only break I have for the foreseeable future.

I also had another friend pull this stunt back in September - she is tolerable in small doses and was supposed to stay Fri-Sun but on arrival told me she was returning home on Monday at midday and could I drop her at the station (three miles away). Never mind that I was working on the Monday. I had to take the morning off but I only drove her to the bus stop.

And then breathed a massive sigh of relief.

With this sort of things it really helps to reply quickly. Once you've left it a few hours it looks like you're thinking up an excuse.

If he doesn't have a door key maybe something like "diary's just kept filling up before Christmas, could we make it the 23rd please?"

Train tickets can be changed. You're still welcoming him for Christmas and you have every right to be going out as a family, seeing other people etc. There's no need for him to feel rejected if you have plans on the 22nd that you can't invite him along to. (And if those plans are actually tidying the house and spending a bit of one to one time with the kids, that is just as legitimate. It's just harder to communicate politely.)

If he does end up coming, set expectations that he will need to pitch in and follow through! It won't spoil his Christmas and it'll make you feel a bit less taken for granted.

" Hi Bob, looking forward to seeing you on xmas day, sorry we can't accommodate you earlier so suggest you book in to a BB "

It's Christmas, Somebody with nowhere to stay? Ring a bell?

Well so...
It's been a compromise in the end. He is coming but he's cooking a few times including Christmas dinner and making a book of tokens for each child of fun stuff he's going to do with them. I'm going to get him to help me resurface the lawn too which he doesn't know yet