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Original poster

How to respond to messages like this from upcoming guest?

64 replies

MerylSqueak · 20/12/2021 13:23

We have a family member who always joins us for holidays. It's pretty much a standing arrangement. We're happy to have him and love him but he has a terrible way of making us feel that he's making a convenience of us. This isn't a one off but I'll use this one as an example.

We haven't spoken to finalise arrangements for Christmas though we have invited him. I've called or messaged several times over the last few days to ask with no response. This morning I was forwarded a train booking confirmation which was I will admit a few days before I was ready to have him. I then later get a message asking if he can come on that day.

How am I supposed to respond to this? I don't want to make him feel unwelcome, because what's the point of him coming at all if I do, but this just seems to me so rude. Why even bother asking?

Am I just being silly?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/12/2021 14:06

I wouldn't say, "I hope you can change it." I'd say, "That's not convenient for us as we've made plans. You should have checked with us beforehand, as I asked you to. Please change it to DATE."

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/12/2021 14:06

If it doesn’t suit then l would tell him that, he shouldn’t have just gone off and booked his ticket before that conversation. Otherwise next year he most likely will do the same thing. Another call for boundaries to be put in place

custardbear · 20/12/2021 14:11

This person is being very cheeky, just put your boundaries in place

unname · 20/12/2021 14:20

Is it one of your children?

AnyFucker · 20/12/2021 14:24

Does he contribute to his stay in any way ?

ifonly4 · 20/12/2021 14:31

Was the original invite for particular dates? If so, and he's coming early, tell him you have other arrangements/won't be ready.

Chamomileteaplease · 20/12/2021 14:32

There seem to be lots of people on MN who ask people to stay with them without mentioning specific dates!

A dangerous business it seems Shock.

AnotherMansCause · 20/12/2021 14:39

To be clear, “hope you can can change it” is more for his sake. As in, he’d have to buy a replacement ticket if he can’t, or find a b&b for a few nights. I wouldn’t be sucking up his lack of planning ahead. Tough, it’s an expensive lesson & maybe he’ll remember it next time.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 20/12/2021 14:39

@MerylSqueak Please don't roll over and just accept this. This is how CFs go forth and multiply

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/12/2021 14:42

“Looking forward to seeing you on the 24th!
Just an fyi you forwarded your train details and the dates look wrong - it says the 21st!
we are busy/out with friends on 22nd and 23rd - just thought I’d let you know so you can change it!”

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 20/12/2021 14:45

Ignore the train booking, text back 'looking forward to seeing you, any time on, or after the 24th is good for us. Let me know if you need collecting from the station'

whatwasIgoingtosay · 20/12/2021 14:50

In future, I think you have to be much more proactive. When issuing your invitation in future years, make certain that it includes the dates you are happy to have him, e.eg, "You are invited/we'd love to see you from Christmas Eve until the 27th." Then if he tries to come earlier you can refer him back to your original invite and legitimately say it doesn't suit.

Snog · 20/12/2021 14:50

Did you already book your ticket before checking with me? I'm busy until xxDec and you are very welcome to stay from then until xxDec. Give me a call to finalise plans, lots of love Aunty X

Duvetflower · 20/12/2021 14:54

I'd just pretend I never saw the train ticket booking

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 20/12/2021 15:03

Depends on who it is I would think. 22yo dc who comes home very Christmas would be dealt with differently to a 50uncle for example.

If it's a dc, I'd probably say ok but you'll have to chip in at home by doing xyz and use it to talk to them about manners.
An older PITA relative would get a short 'no it's not ok to come that day, you can come on X date' with no guilt whatsoever from me.

steppemum · 20/12/2021 15:05

he has forwarded the train booking in order to manipultae you into saying yes.

I would ignore the train booking and reply with

21st? or dear that is a bit early. I was expecting you on Christmas Eve.

Look forward to seeing you then.
Oh and can you bring a couple of bottles of wine?
Great thanks

RogueV · 20/12/2021 15:06

Who is it?

ShirleyPhallus · 20/12/2021 15:07

@Chamomileteaplease

There seem to be lots of people on MN who ask people to stay with them without mentioning specific dates!

A dangerous business it seems Shock.

Yeah I thought this, how are all these people just turning up early / leaving so late
Sparkletastic · 20/12/2021 15:19

'That date doesn't work I'm afraid so change your ticket to x date with a return for y date. Look forward to seeing you on x date.'

BobbieT1999 · 20/12/2021 15:23

Ynbu.
Just tell him that you can't do that day, sorry, he's welcome to book a return ticket between X & X dates.

Slowchimes · 20/12/2021 15:24

This sort of behaviour is infuriating!

I used to host a lot before the pandemic and it is an important lesson to learn that when the first slightest most lightest briefest of suggestions about coming to stay are raised, that is the time to strike back with very definite dates and boundaries about it either not being convenient at all, or only convenient at very specific times.

Don't neglect to say its not convenient out of politeness or think "we will deal with this later", because I've learned from experience that what is presented as a mere wafty suggestion is far from that in reality in people's minds! So when you say something formulaic back like "that would be lovely some time" (thinking it won't actually happen) that becomes a firm "yes" in their minds!

Anyway that was a lesson I had to learn and it means planning all of your own holiday activities/dates early before other people plan and mould them for you and you are spending your only time off as a family , scrubbing and cooking for others.

I don't know how I would reply to this, I think ignoring the train confirmation is the only way to go. Its so rude of them to bulldozer you like that op though and they exploit your decency and politeness by hoping that you won't say anything.

Original poster
MerylSqueak · 20/12/2021 15:28

The vagueness of the dates was because we had just said he would come for Christmas but hadn't had the final chat. It's my brother. I know he doesn't have anywhere else to stay at Christmas. Unusual circumstances.

I don't actually have a good reason for not wanting him to come early. I just wanted a day or so to myself before going full on Christmas. He's now arriving the afternoon I finish work.

OP posts:
Slowchimes · 20/12/2021 15:32

Well if its your brother I think you could legitimately say "look I am really looking forward to seeing you but I was hoping for a couple of days to decompress from work before you arrived, it's been really full on ..." and then stay silent and resist your inner urge to fill the silence if he doesn't reply immediately.

Even if it doesn't work this time, it will make him more aware for next.

Slowchimes · 20/12/2021 15:34

Wanting some time to yourself is a perfectly good reason op btw! We've been conditioned to put ourselves last Flowers Your needs are just as valid as his!

steppemum · 20/12/2021 15:39

@Slowchimes

Well if its your brother I think you could legitimately say "look I am really looking forward to seeing you but I was hoping for a couple of days to decompress from work before you arrived, it's been really full on ..." and then stay silent and resist your inner urge to fill the silence if he doesn't reply immediately.

Even if it doesn't work this time, it will make him more aware for next.

this but I woudl add, so you are welcome from 24th.