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Original poster

Worried about this visit to relatives with toddler

96 replies

mincepiesx1000 · 20/12/2021 12:31

We are due to visit relatives on Boxing Day who are a 3 hour drive away from us, returning that evening. It will be me, my DH and our 18 month old DD. Due to Covid we haven't visited the relative's home since DD was born- we have met up outside, been for walks etc but not been inside their home.

I am unfamiliar with caring for my toddler in someone else's home and it might sound silly but I feeling a bit nervous about how it's all going to work. Our DD is very lively and energetic and her behaviour is typical toddler, very excitable and she just wants to run around and grab and explore everything.
The relative has a real Xmas tree with glass baubles which I know DD will try to grab. There's a glass coffee table and the relative has a collection of porcelain type statues / figurines all around the room, as well as ornaments. They also eat a lot of sweets at Xmas and always have open tubs of Roses, quality street etc on the floor lying about. (Our DD is still not on sugar as we are following WHO guidance.) The relative lives in quite a small home and there will be about 10 people there. There's not enough seating for everyone and they us usually end up crowded in the living room perched on the floor etc. There's also two dogs which have been known to poo on the floor, and leave fur behind.

All in all I am worried the whole day will be about holding DD back and saying no all the time, which will be stressful for us all and inevitably cause tantrums. It's so much easier at our own home but the relative has expressed they want us to visit them as last year we couldn't due to lockdown, which I can understand.

There's no table and relatives always eat meals on their laps on the sofa, and there's no high chair, so I'm also wondering how we manage DD's meal times.

I also don't know how to manage DD's nap or where / how she can sleep.

Has anyone else experienced this with their toddler of a similar age? Any tips?

Thank you!

OP posts:
BeyondOurReef · 20/12/2021 15:15

Who is this relative and why can’t they visit you?

Is it like all the members of DH’s family who complain they haven’t met DS but won’t make a trip to visit us? Instead BIL will insist that his brother visits him (6 hours drive away). But none of them have even enquired about visiting us and staying in our spare room.

My take on it is that they’d visit us if they actually cared. I mean, both BIL and SIL have seen the baby on a video call once. And in both cases, it was accidental that DS was in the room when the video call took place. They didn’t arrange it to speak to at home but their brother.

My 5 year old nephew has made more efforts to video call his baby cousin. Many more. Without his parents’ help. It’s not difficult.

Still they’ll all play the martyr because I’m not taking DS on a 3 hour drive to a filthy, overcrowded house full of people who can’t be arsed to make an effort.

TrufflesAndToast · 20/12/2021 15:19

Sorry to be blunt but I find it a bit odd that you’re determined not to expose your child to sugar yet you’re considering subjecting them to a six hour round car trip in a single day where there will be all manner of surfaces contaminated with dog faeces and the child will be miserable and restrained all day.

Step back and reflect a bit - sometimes putting your child’s needs first isn’t all about the obvious things like restricting sugar which make you feel like a good parent, but is a bit more nuanced than that….

Rexthesnail · 20/12/2021 15:24

YANBU DS 4 isn't coming with us to PIL's with the rest of us and I'm actually quite glad that I won't have to be constantly on at him as he's gotten over excited etc. Will miss him though!

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Blackmagicqueen · 20/12/2021 15:27

Unless they are very close relatives (which it doesn’t sound like they are judging on how you can’t communicate your concerns with them) I wouldn’t have gone, I would make a polite excuse.

Blackmagicqueen · 20/12/2021 15:29

I also agree that the car journey is simply too long for a child of that age.

BertieBotts · 20/12/2021 15:29

Sorry this is not really the point, but what WHO guidelines for sugar are you following? I would be interested to know what they are but I just googled it and all I can find is reference to "10% of total energy intake" which I have absolutely no idea how to calculate.

Does anyone have a link for amounts based on age of child like there is for salt?

Katela18 · 20/12/2021 16:07

I've had this with multiple family members and tbh have had to learn to relax a bit.

I bought a fold down high chair off amazon (£20), takes up no space in the car. Take toddler for a walk to nap them, and speak to the relatives ahead of time to ask that they move anything fragile or breakable before arrival.

If there are so many people going, you will have plenty of hands to help

sparklemagicsnow · 20/12/2021 16:53

Not a chance would I go.

6 hours with a toddler in the car - no
Dog poo - hard no
Non toddler proof house with breakages likely - no
No good space to nap - do able for a day but will still likely result in a grouchy baby
Too small space for people with no garden space to escape to because of poo - no!

It's just a bad idea all round OP you're not going to enjoy it at all and it's not fair on your child. They'll have a horrible, grumpy time.

If your relatives wasn't to see the child they need to come to you, or you need alto arrange to go at a different time, once they've 1) cleaned and 2) made it possible for you to come without it being horribly fraught.

I also don't know of any WHO guidance about sugar. Obviously loading 18 month olds with sugar isn't wise or good for them (and my PFB didn't have chocolate until she was about that age) but my youngest was swiping buttons off of her sister by a year. A little bit does not harm, there is no hard and fast rule (and fruit is full of sugar anyway, as are carbs as is of course MILK!).

Original poster
mincepiesx1000 · 20/12/2021 17:20

@BertieBotts

Sorry this is not really the point, but what WHO guidelines for sugar are you following? I would be interested to know what they are but I just googled it and all I can find is reference to "10% of total energy intake" which I have absolutely no idea how to calculate.

Does anyone have a link for amounts based on age of child like there is for salt?

No added sugar for infants under 2
OP posts:
Original poster
mincepiesx1000 · 20/12/2021 17:22

@sparklemagicsnow

Not a chance would I go.

6 hours with a toddler in the car - no
Dog poo - hard no
Non toddler proof house with breakages likely - no
No good space to nap - do able for a day but will still likely result in a grouchy baby
Too small space for people with no garden space to escape to because of poo - no!

It's just a bad idea all round OP you're not going to enjoy it at all and it's not fair on your child. They'll have a horrible, grumpy time.

If your relatives wasn't to see the child they need to come to you, or you need alto arrange to go at a different time, once they've 1) cleaned and 2) made it possible for you to come without it being horribly fraught.

I also don't know of any WHO guidance about sugar. Obviously loading 18 month olds with sugar isn't wise or good for them (and my PFB didn't have chocolate until she was about that age) but my youngest was swiping buttons off of her sister by a year. A little bit does not harm, there is no hard and fast rule (and fruit is full of sugar anyway, as are carbs as is of course MILK!).

Thanks for the ideas about the day.

I wasn't looking for commentary about my child's nutrition. It's pretty normal not to offer added sugar to under two's. We are obviously not talking about sugar within fruit.

OP posts:
Silversun83 · 20/12/2021 18:36

I know it's not AIBU.. But YANBU.. No way would I be spending six hours in the car in one day with an 18 month old! What will they do for that length of time?!

Have a 3 and 5-year-old and the most we've still ever done is just under three hours in one journey in one day and that was to go on holiday...

RampantIvy · 20/12/2021 18:44

They were very teary last Xmas when we said we were following lockdown rules and therefore not visiting.

Tough. Why didn't they make the effort to visit you in the summer? They have no right to guilt trip you into visiting them. This visit sounds like a really bad idea. Visit at Easter instead.

OakRowan · 20/12/2021 18:50

Won't you be spending as long if not longer in the car that day, than actually visiting? That's tough on all of you, everyone will get tired and hungry, have you included stops on the journey in your timings? Maybe easier in future to plan it as including an overnight, somewhere nice and near by, so you can do a short easy to manage visit and have a bit of a treat yourselves, instead of spending a whole day driving to visit somewhere unpleasant, its a big ask.

BookFiend4Life · 20/12/2021 19:28

Do you have time to get a bumbo op for the meals and do you have a walking saucer (sorry ifk what they're called, a round thing with wheels they can walk around in) might contain some of the chaos

WildWombat · 20/12/2021 21:02

God, I feel your pain as we're in a similar position. Relatives are only an hour away so not quite so much traveling for us, but still a nightmare to contemplate. We're only staying a short while, not over a meal time, and aiming to spend as much time as possible out for a walk whether relatives like it or not. Little ones can't be cooped up all day in cars and inappropriate houses. It's just not fair on anyone. Strikes me these relatives if yours (like ours!) have no idea what's in store for them! At least you should be able to get out of it next year if this year is a disaster!

Thenose · 20/12/2021 21:21

Sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't go.

ProperCupOfTea · 20/12/2021 22:10

How come you can't just say that day isn't suitable (no excuses required, it just isn't) but you can come on X day/time period (a quieter day when only relative will be there, no Xmas tree and you can all go out to the park or something),

Alternatively, why can't you tell relative all the thing you said in your OP about child proofing or risking breakages to precious items and leave it to them to decide if they are prepared do this as child is normal toddler and you can give no guarantees?

I wouldn't go if it's already stressing you out. Your child, you get to decide if the hassle factor is worth it and they have no rights to see child on that particular day or any other for that matter. I'm a devoted aunt/great aunt and if it was me I'd be disappointed but totally understand (plus i like my ornaments).

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/12/2021 22:33

On balance I would skip it - it’s an awfully long drive too.

Get the relative to come to you at Easter.

RiverSkater · 26/12/2021 12:43

OP, how did it go in the end?😊

derxa · 26/12/2021 15:03

I wasn't looking for commentary about my child's nutrition. It's pretty normal not to offer added sugar to under two's. We are obviously not talking about sugar within fruit. Ridiculous

BertieBotts · 26/12/2021 15:16

OK thanks. Looks like it's American guidance and not applicable worldwide. There is an excessive amount of sugar in a lot of foods sold in the US.

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