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Original poster

Worried about this visit to relatives with toddler

96 replies

mincepiesx1000 · 20/12/2021 12:31

We are due to visit relatives on Boxing Day who are a 3 hour drive away from us, returning that evening. It will be me, my DH and our 18 month old DD. Due to Covid we haven't visited the relative's home since DD was born- we have met up outside, been for walks etc but not been inside their home.

I am unfamiliar with caring for my toddler in someone else's home and it might sound silly but I feeling a bit nervous about how it's all going to work. Our DD is very lively and energetic and her behaviour is typical toddler, very excitable and she just wants to run around and grab and explore everything.
The relative has a real Xmas tree with glass baubles which I know DD will try to grab. There's a glass coffee table and the relative has a collection of porcelain type statues / figurines all around the room, as well as ornaments. They also eat a lot of sweets at Xmas and always have open tubs of Roses, quality street etc on the floor lying about. (Our DD is still not on sugar as we are following WHO guidance.) The relative lives in quite a small home and there will be about 10 people there. There's not enough seating for everyone and they us usually end up crowded in the living room perched on the floor etc. There's also two dogs which have been known to poo on the floor, and leave fur behind.

All in all I am worried the whole day will be about holding DD back and saying no all the time, which will be stressful for us all and inevitably cause tantrums. It's so much easier at our own home but the relative has expressed they want us to visit them as last year we couldn't due to lockdown, which I can understand.

There's no table and relatives always eat meals on their laps on the sofa, and there's no high chair, so I'm also wondering how we manage DD's meal times.

I also don't know how to manage DD's nap or where / how she can sleep.

Has anyone else experienced this with their toddler of a similar age? Any tips?

Thank you!

OP posts:
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 20/12/2021 13:02

It’s a day, I would skip a nap or try in car or pram, doesn’t have to be exactly at 12.

Hopefully weather is nice and you could find a local playground for her to burn of some steam.

She can have a picnic meal and eat sat on the floor

Dog poo is Ming, dog fur a non issue

JudgeRindersMinder · 20/12/2021 13:03

All in all I am worried the whole day will be about holding DD back and saying no all the time

Does no one say no to kids any more? I’m starting to feel like a bit of a dinosaur but when my kids were small, no one “child proofed” their home for them visiting and my arse barely touched a seat as I was making sure they weren’t getting up to anything they shouldn’t have.
I can’t believe people just don’t bother visiting relatives as they don’t want to help their children learn to behave!!

converseandjeans · 20/12/2021 13:03

That sounds awful - dog poo and hair & nowhere to sit. The drive is too long for a toddler too. I would consider setting off earlier & going somewhere outdoors for an hour or so if you do need to go. Then head out in the afternoon.

I don't think I would go through - the dog poo indoors would be enough to put me off.

Can you just go another time? Maybe make an excuse?

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Original poster
mincepiesx1000 · 20/12/2021 13:05

@JudgeRindersMinder

All in all I am worried the whole day will be about holding DD back and saying no all the time

Does no one say no to kids any more? I’m starting to feel like a bit of a dinosaur but when my kids were small, no one “child proofed” their home for them visiting and my arse barely touched a seat as I was making sure they weren’t getting up to anything they shouldn’t have.
I can’t believe people just don’t bother visiting relatives as they don’t want to help their children learn to behave!!

I mean, yes, we do say no, obviously... but child proofing is about creating as few opportunities as possible to face to say no. Saying no, no, no, no constantly all day is exhausting for everyone and only results in a stroppy frustrated toddler, surely?
OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 20/12/2021 13:05

Honestly, just accept that it's going to be hard work for a day. I have a wild one too, and I generally do avoid taking him to other people's houses (or did a year ago when he was 18m) but whenever we did he was always better than I thought, I just had to be on it constantly. Take a few new toys if you can. Or stuff she hasn't seen for a while. Resort to cocomelon if you need to (and I say that as someone who detests it).

Your relatives will be happy to see her by the sounds of it.

Caspianberg · 20/12/2021 13:05

Yeah I wouldn’t do that. 3hr drive each way, in one day, then cooped up not able to relax with a 1 year old. Nope.

Ds is similar age. He usually naps after lunch. He would 100% fall asleep in car if a 3 hrs journey though. Then scream all the way home.

After long drive, it isn’t fair they then have to be on best behaviour of not touching in a new place, when they just need fresh air and to run.

Just cancel. Maybe suggest meeting in summer when it’s warmer and can all meet halfway outside

lynntheyresexswappers · 20/12/2021 13:09

Just don't go.

HairyScaryMonster · 20/12/2021 13:10
  1. Find out what time serving lunch in case it's late for toddler and you need to bring something
  1. Find the nearest park/pond/grass for kicking a ball
  1. Pack a wipe down mat to eat on
  1. Ask about travel cot in bedroom

I'd take toddler for walk round the corner immediately after arrival while DH sweeps for breakables, then let the adult fussing begin. Assume nap may be shorter/in the buggy etc, be prepared to find the park in the afternoon and plan to leave that amount of time before toddler bedtime so he sleeps in the car if you can't put him to bed in a travel cot upstairs.

JudgeRindersMinder · 20/12/2021 13:10

@mincepiesx1000 yes it’s boring but so’s a lot of child raising, but what you end up with is kids who know what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and you’re not worried about their behaviour wherever you take them.
A bit of hard work now pays dividends later
One of my grandmothers always had it as a point of pride that she never had to move any ornaments for the grandchildren…till my youngest cousins came along-their mum (who I adore) sat on the sofa and let the kids run riot, the rest of our mums didn’t.
Take a bag of toys along with you and just go for it. Children need to learn how to behave and that takes a lot of hovering and the word no, but it does sink in.

AliceW89 · 20/12/2021 13:14

I can’t believe people just don’t bother visiting relatives as they don’t want to help their children learn to behave!!

This is very unfair. If the relative was an hour away, with space for the toddler to burn off steam and sleep I’d tell the OP to get on with it and say no/deal with the tantrums as required. But we are talking about 6h in a car, to then spend the day dragging an overtired toddler away from glass baubles and dog poo? It’s the OPs Boxing Day too.

yikesanotherbooboo · 20/12/2021 13:16

I would just see how the day went. It's good for us all to have a change of routine and to socialise and if there are lots of adults there will be people to entertain her. As a pp said; take a banana and your buggy and if she needs a walk you can take her out for a while.This is a scenario that every parent faces from time to time; it will be mildly stressful but there will be enjoyment to be had.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 20/12/2021 13:17

Can you say no? I have an almost 2 year old and 2 real trees, glass baubles etc. Candles on side tables (not lit until after he has gone to bed!), no stair gates etc.
I say “no” and then repeat until he gets the point and it becomes boring- doesn’t take too long. Kids have to learn they can’t just come in like a wrecking ball. He even says “no touch it” if he goes near the tree. He loves sitting and looking at the lights and I’ve made sure I’ve put out bits he can touch around the house and he’s got his own festive toys. Take things she can play with.

The dog shit however would concern me massively and I don’t think you’re being precious about that at all. I only learnt recently it can blind you, over 100 cases of blindness each year in christen in the UK. I was horrified! Not that I don’t clear up at my dog but just that I didn’t know.

The whole setup sounds inappropriate tbh and the guilt trip is mean. Your kid isn’t entertainment to turn up for the host …

“Sorry Aunt Bessie/ Gran/ MIL, it’s just too difficult doing such a huge round trip with an 18month old. Maybe another time”

flameprincess · 20/12/2021 13:21

If you set off at 8, you'll arrive at 11 and expect her to nap at 12 after being stuck in the car for 3 hours. I have a similar age DS and I just wouldn't put him through the journey.

noscoobydoodle · 20/12/2021 13:27

It will be fine! I have 3DC, youngest is nearly 2 and we have family who live a 3 hr drive away and have no other child visitors. My tips are take food, snacks and plenty of toys and books. When you get there sweep the room and move anything breakable/precious/edible. A good system of man-marking so one of you has eyes on toddler at all times- sitting on floor probably best anyway. Walk and then nap in the pushchair. Pop on PJ's and leave at bedtime (always my non-negotiable that we leave at bedtime- none of mine have been flexible about bedtime!). Make sure all family know about no sugar/chocolate. It might not be the most relaxing for you but I'm sure it will mean the world to your family.

alexdgr8 · 20/12/2021 13:38

don't go.
this kind of family is not going to take seriously the no sugar/sweeties rule.
the whole environment sounds hazardous for a small child, and extremely stressful for you.
it is not suitable. make an excuse, anything, but don't go.
if husband wants to go alone, wave him off, and have a quiet calm predictable day for you and child.
there is no virtue in enduring unnecessary suffering.

Caspianberg · 20/12/2021 13:39

@Potentialscroogeincognito - All new things are exciting to 1-2 year olds though. We also have a tree, baubles and plants and candles around. Ds doesn’t touch them as have been shown no.
He still wants to touch everything at someone else’s as it’s new and novelty, regardless of what it is.

RampantIvy · 20/12/2021 13:39

I wouldn't go. Six hours in the car in one day is a no from me, even without the stress of what you will have to deal with when there.

The relatives will have to be more patient, and meet your toddler when it is more suitable.

It sounds like a miserable day out for all concerned TBH.

FTEngineerM · 20/12/2021 13:44

I have a whirlwind 18 month old too and, tbh, whenever I visit my nans she removes anything that can’t be broken beforehand. There plenty of people around to stop him causing too much damage but he’s so energetic that after about 20 minutes people give up and we end up having to chase after him again. Which is fine it’s just funny to see people only last that long and we do it 24/7😅.

I would firstly, try everything in my power not to go. Secondly, tell everyone that if I were to go, explain what DS would be like and ask for help entertaining him throughout the day before going to set the expectations (at home it’s set up to be safe for toddler to explore Montessori stylie). Thirdly, buy him a few new toys I know he’ll get stuck into so that his attention can be on that giving us a 10/20 minute break.

Chasing around after a toddler in someone else’s house is mostly shit though, I hate it.

BeyondOurReef · 20/12/2021 13:44

Why can’t the restive visit you if they’re so keen to see the toddler?

Flapjak · 20/12/2021 13:50

How good is your fake cough, loss of smell/taste, feeling really fatigued. If you must go, can you take a travel cot to double as playpen to keep her off icky floor?

IrishMama2015 · 20/12/2021 13:52

Hi SmileIn these circumstances I spend as much time outside as possible and take ball/trike etc to play outside. Take buggy and use it as high chair. Make visit as short as possible. Try to go to local playground

Coffeeshopcookies · 20/12/2021 13:58

To be honest, chances are high that no groups of 10+ plus people will allowed to meet in a tiny apartment on Boxing Day anyway. Excuse sorted.

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 20/12/2021 13:58

I think the relative is being incredibly selfish. Their demand to see your toddler seems to trump any inconvenience, excessive travelling and hard work that it will cause you. I just honestly would not go. 6 hours travelling in a day is just horrendous and it'll probably take several days for your toddler to get back into routine after it all

JessieLongleg · 20/12/2021 14:03

I would just asks for the figurines to be put out of toddlers way. I'm expecting but know enough about children to not be offended by this. Would see it as a caring guest.

Original poster
mincepiesx1000 · 20/12/2021 14:07

@CharlotteGoldenblattYork

I think the relative is being incredibly selfish. Their demand to see your toddler seems to trump any inconvenience, excessive travelling and hard work that it will cause you. I just honestly would not go. 6 hours travelling in a day is just horrendous and it'll probably take several days for your toddler to get back into routine after it all
They were very teary last Xmas when we said we were following lockdown rules and therefore not visiting.
OP posts: