My life is not your life

[Builtthiscityonsausagerolls]

I'm single and child free. Both by choice.
Part of that choice is a lifestyle that is maybe quite self indulgent. But a few things have peed me off this week:

1. Friend is at mine having a drink. Asks me to go with her to a (family) event. I say: 'not sure I can afford it'. She gestures to a perfume I've just bought and says 'I'd believe you if I hadn't seen this haha'
2. sibling is going through a rough patch. I say 'come round for lunch and we'll talk it through' sibling says they will turn up at 8 on Sunday morning after picking kids up from sleep over. I say I won't be up at 8 - sibling 'will wake you up then lazy haha' - I'm out Saturday and don't expect to get in till 2ish
3. A small comment but rankles. Collegue on Monday 'I can't belive you have a cleaner. In the time it takes me to get the kids ready you could clean up after yourself

I know all 3 examples are a bit me being winey, but I chose this life because I don't like domestic chores and don't want children! Yet it seems to mean that my choosing life style is second to everyone else's.

Want to sleep in - ill wake you. Buy perfume instead of coming to my kids Christmas thing- your prioritis are wrong. Spend money on a cleaner - you are single you have nothing better to do!

I'm a bit but it's seemingly incessant at the moment.

@Anordinarymum

The only question I have is why did you say you couldn't afford it?

Because some people take offense if you say you'd rather spend money on a perfume, cleaner and evenings out than seeing their kids! I have children but I realise that seeing kids performing is mainly only interesting if they're your own. I wouldn't pay to see friends children performing.

Why does a lambourghini only have 2 seats? because you lose friends along the way

So many typos in my OP
Will put the down.... or maybe not because I have no commitments till 6pm tomorrow
I happily support my friends and siblings life choices. I just feel its not reciprocated.
And yes, a big part of why I want, and enjoy, my life is being probably quite lazy and selfish. (Outside of work obviously)

I get the same from my mates. I have three school friends coming round tomorrow; they are my oldest friends and have 11 kids between the three of them. I know I’ll get that sort of script from one, and I am absolutely going to borrow the title of this thread in response!

On a weekend I will usually wake around 9 but then get breakfast, a cup of tea, a book and go back to bed until around 11.
That's my life choice but recently I feel that I'm judged for not having a 'busy' morning. And that I'm deemed to be do nothing so free for people to turn up at 8!

Saying you could not afford it was a bit barbed. What did you expect her to say when you said this?
Apart from that it is entirely up to you how you live. I would laugh the remarks off to be honest and not let them bother me.

im like you op i think people are just jealous so they have to make a dig about it

i love lying in and spending money on myself-only kids things i do are for family

Just say we all make different choices (and I won’t be answering the door) - don’t get bent out of shape about it.

Wtf picks kids up at 8am from a sleepover???

Why does she never have a lie in? I have several kids and have plenty! Kids that are old enough to go to a sleepover are generally old enough that the parents can sleep in well after 8am!

good on you! quite right. I think they are probably a bit jealous

@Anordinarymum

Saying you could not afford it was a bit barbed. What did you expect her to say when you said this? Apart from that it is entirely up to you how you live. I would laugh the remarks off to be honest and not let them bother me.

I don't think it's barbed

One way of looking at it is the OP bought the perfume so that's her lot

Pre DC, I stopped saying "i can't afford it" because some people seemed to be offended. They were correct in the sense that I always prioritised other things over pricey outings and I define pricey outings differently than others....but that doesn't mean I don't like them, they're always welcome here or to do something cheaper.

One former friend went on about it, so I began to phrase it "sorry, I can't spend that money". She said "when you tell me you can't afford it, you mean you don't want to because I know you're saving". Well, yes, but why would anyone want to dictate how someone does or doesn't spend money!

Sadly it seems some people attach the value of a friendship to it.

I think comments about a cleaner are jealousy too.

I'm with you op
I could have written your post a few years ago ( but now no longer single )
I still can remember a work colleague saying " aren't you lucky " when referring to something I do as an expensive hobby
Er no , luck doesn't come into it , I choose to have a life that gives me the time and money to do that life style choice whereas he chose to have a family
Good on you , you chose the life that suited you

Those of us who chose children in multiples are just jealous deep down that you have lovely lie ins and time is your own. I am acutely aware that mine and the kids ridiculous schedule is exhausting and time consuming on top of work. But all my choice. A few years more and they'll have left home.

I don't think it's lazy or selfish. You know what you want/what works for you and you've been able to arrange your life that way; good for you! Leaving aside unusual circumstances, the other people in your life have probably made choices that work for them. And there's always some trade-off: you have benefits like having the house to yourself, making more of your own decisions without consultation, extra discretionary income, etc. They have the benefits of companionship, of having someone else to lean on in an emergency, of (probably) a second income, etc.

The perfume thing seems silly - if you've just treated yourself to a wildly expensive bottle of perfume then it makes sense you'll have LESS money to spend on inessentials for the rest of the week, month, etc. But if your friend knows you're fibbing about the money the comment makes more sense. You can tell her you don't want to go, are busy, etc. You don't have to justify it. As for your bro, 8AM isn't lunchtime. Tell him firmly that lunch is at x time and if he can't make it on the day you suggested the two of you can choose another day.

The cleaner bit is just rude; I'd be tempted to raise an eyebrow and respond "really? I wouldn't know." She has no idea how you spend your time and it's none of her business - you could have a second job, a sick granny, and juggle 40 hours of volunteer work a week along with finishing your dissertation for all she knows. Or you could split your time among working, sleeping, and sitting on the couch scoffing champagne and caviar and watching crap TV. But you want a cleaner, you can afford a cleaner, and you have a cleaner. She can get over it.

It's not exactly barbed in that it has a bit of truth. I did buy a very expensive perfume, I did pay my cleaner, which didn't leave me unable to pay for the kids Christmas show, but did mean it was an added expense. I don't think I'm a bad friend, I've paid hundreds in birthday presents and given up a lot of time (which I don't enjoy, because I don't enjoy being around children) but I suppose it was the judgement? that I'd spent money on myself and not her girls? The implication that I had spare money and didn't spend that correctly?

I think they're maybe a little bit jealous. Lots of people have kids, however much they love their kids, will really miss parts of their single life, like lie ins and spare cash for treats like perfume and cleaners.

Tbh I think you sound awesome. You know exactly who you are and what you want and you're living your best life. You've not been pushed into living a certain way because it's expected. Lots of respect for you having such insight into yourself!

I think sometimes people don't like confident happy people and a nasty little part of them wants to drag you down to their level. Do you think there's maybe a bit of that going on here.

And here I am pretty much arguing with myself about my own contented life.
I'm going to stop being peed off, right up until Monday
With firm boundaries (I am lazy haha, bugger off)
Thank you mumsnet. On a few threads you've helped today

@belimoo

YANBU. I'll add me telling a friend to take care and rest when she had covid and her sending a very grumpy/snotty reply about how she didn't have that option because of her child/dog choices. I was just trying to be nice and didn't force those choices on you!

That's so rude. I don't think I could have stopped myself from replying "OK, die then."

You clearly have nothing in common. You need to find friends who are child free too. I chose to have a child and I don't envy those who haven't ( by choice) one bit.

I get this from my sister all the time OP. I tend to just laugh it off and remind her that she made her lifestyle choice and I made mine

I think you’re being over sensitive. I don’t see anything in those three examples being related to you being single or child free.

You can’t afford the kids’ show BECAUSE you bought the perfume. That person was just illogical with her reasoning, nothing to do with having kids (also none of her business). Next time just be honest and say “sorry not my thing”.

Talk it over at lunch: 8am is hardly a reasonable negotiating position, when the opening offer is lunch. 8am is also just rude and stupid. Who wants to talk over something tough at 8am on a Sunday morning? If you DO have kids, it’s absolutely the LAST thing you want to do! She could have been out for an early morning walk at that time. So again, nothing to do with kids.

Cleaner: the point she was making is it’s only one person to clear up after, as errands go it’s quick and easy - like the thing I do every morning without thinking about it. She could just as easily have said “do my online grocery shop” but it’s not something that you normally do every day, so loses its impact. So again, nothing to do with kids.

You probably are getting judged a bit, but so what? What’s wrong with people judging and making their own opinions? Let them. Their time and their brain space. Nothing to do with you.

YANBU

Anyone who even considered waking me up at 8am on a weekend would very quickly get a rude response.
I don't set my alarm on a Saturday, and if I don't wake up until 1pm, then that's my business.

@givethatbabyaname

I think you’re being over sensitive. I don’t see anything in those three examples being related to you being single or child free.

You can’t afford the kids’ show BECAUSE you bought the perfume. That person was just illogical with her reasoning, nothing to do with having kids (also none of her business). Next time just be honest and say “sorry not my thing”.

Talk it over at lunch: 8am is hardly a reasonable negotiating position, when the opening offer is lunch. 8am is also just rude and stupid. Who wants to talk over something tough at 8am on a Sunday morning? If you DO have kids, it’s absolutely the LAST thing you want to do! She could have been out for an early morning walk at that time. So again, nothing to do with kids.

Cleaner: the point she was making is it’s only one person to clear up after, as errands go it’s quick and easy - like the thing I do every morning without thinking about it. She could just as easily have said “do my online grocery shop” but it’s not something that you normally do every day, so loses its impact. So again, nothing to do with kids.

You probably are getting judged a bit, but so what? What’s wrong with people judging and making their own opinions? Let them. Their time and their brain space. Nothing to do with you.

? @givethatbabyaname What baby must someone give a name to?

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

Sorry? My baby. The one we couldn’t pick a name for for ages It’s a username, that’s all.