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Original poster

DS1's GF wants to come to ashes thing

66 replies

Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 16:03

I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

DH died in the summer and we plan to spread his ashes on his birthday and then go for lunch. Me, 2DSs and my parents (DH didn't have family).

GF has told DS1 she'd like to come to support DS1 .DS1 would like her to come.

It's not that I don't want her to come, I just think it could be tortuous for her. We don't really know her, she never met DH, the odd occasion I have met her she seems very shy, making small talk can be hard work and my parents don't have great social skills at the best of times. I'm going to find the day hard going, I won't be on top social form either. I quite liked the idea of sharing the occasion with those who loved DH.

Plus I wonder if it's fair on DS2 who is also very shy, to bring an effective stranger.

OTOH I don't want to give anyone the idea that I want to exclude her and DS1 has been struggling with his dad's death recently so could probably use some support, but I'll be there and so will GPs.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Hairybaker · 16/12/2021 16:05

I would say that the daytime is for close family who knew DH but she is welcome to come over in the evening to spend time with him. I can’t see how anyone would have a problem with that. Sorry for your loss.

Fatgalslim · 16/12/2021 17:35

I'd be tempted to say the day is just for family and as @Hairybaker said, she's quite welcome to come round once you're home

Tee20x · 16/12/2021 17:38

Up to DS1 whether having her there would help him cope.

SleighbellsZ · 16/12/2021 17:40

I understand what you mean.
I think it'll come down to your DS though, he may need/want her there for support.

toomuchlaundry · 16/12/2021 17:44

How long have they been together if she never met DH?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Anotherhill · 16/12/2021 17:47

I would say no, as whereas it might help ds1, it’ll make things harder for you and ds2.

Clymene · 16/12/2021 17:48

No, it's inappropriate for her to be there. It's a private family ceremony.

Swirlywoo · 16/12/2021 17:52

As a youngest sibling I would have hated this, before my siblings' partners became properly serious ones.

rainbowandglitter · 16/12/2021 17:53

How old are they?

Original poster
Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 17:56

Boys are 17 & 19 . They've been together for c. 6 months.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 16/12/2021 17:56

Honestly? I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself to behave in a certain way. There is no right or wrong in this situation. Take it as it comes and do whatever you need to make it through the day. Even if none of you were up to talking at all and spent the whole day in silence or crying and comforting each other, that would be fine too.

Clymene · 16/12/2021 17:59

@Peakedtoosoon

Boys are 17 & 19 . They've been together for c. 6 months.
Then it's even more inappropriate. This isn't about your son. This is a ceremony to remember and honour the memory of your husband.

It's not fair on the rest of you to have a stranger there. And actually it's not fair to the memory of your husband.

You don't want to be looking back in years to come and remembering the awkward girl that was there whose name you can't remember.

Original poster
Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 17:59

@CremeEggThief

Honestly? I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself to behave in a certain way. There is no right or wrong in this situation. Take it as it comes and do whatever you need to make it through the day. Even if none of you were up to talking at all and spent the whole day in silence or crying and comforting each other, that would be fine too.
Well yes, that's why I'm not sure she should come. It could be uncomfortable for her and us
OP posts:
Clymene · 16/12/2021 17:59

And I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

drpet49 · 16/12/2021 18:03

I would say no. Inappropriate her being there.

FireworkParrot · 16/12/2021 18:06

Could she come to the meal part or later on in the day? I'd be inclined to say the scattering of the ashes is immediate family only and those who knew and loved DH but she's welcome to meet you for lunch or when you're back home.

WonderfulYou · 16/12/2021 18:07

I really wouldn’t want her there.
Have you spoken to your son about it? Is he saying he needs her there?
I would tell him what you’ve said on here and you don’t want her to feel uncomfortable as you will be upset and you don’t want to have to worry about that.

Changecountetextraordinaire · 16/12/2021 18:08

Would you be happy if she just came for lunch perhaps? I don't think it's appropriate for her to be there when you scatter your DH's ashes, and it will put extra pressure on your other son and your parents (and you), if you want to have a good cry to perhaps try and hold emotions in so she doesn't feel uncomfortable. You shouldn't have to do that.

Original poster
Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 18:09

Yes, DS1 is saying he wants her there. DS2 says it's fine but he has form as a people pleaser and often says what he thinks you want to hear.

OP posts:
PickElaine · 16/12/2021 18:10

I think if you thought it was OK for her to be there then you would have just said 'yes' as soon as he brought it up.

I would not want her to be there as then some of your focus has to be on thinking about whether she's OK or not.

SoSickOfItNow · 16/12/2021 18:12

Then it's even more inappropriate. This isn't about your son. This is a ceremony to remember and honour the memory of your husband

I’m with @Clymene

Cuddlywaterfall · 16/12/2021 18:12

I'm so sorry for your loss.
BIL introduced his new GF to the entire family at FIL's funeral. She was sitting in the front row of the church with him and MIL Hmm. It was wildly inappropriate and awkward. I had to make small talk with her while comforting ex H and grieving myself, as well as managing my 2 small kids.
I've never really forgiven her for being so bloody clueless.
I would say to DS that you would be happy to see her back at the house after lunch but you can't cope with someone you don't know very well at lunch etc.
Hope the day goes well x

Skeumorph · 16/12/2021 18:13

Plus I wonder if it's fair on DS2 who is also very shy, to bring an effective stranger.

This, mainly - but also everything else too. No. 100% no.

It's an awkward stage, especially when the gfs and bfs are pretty new but both parties actively want them to start being 'introduced' to what have up til now been family only things. That kind of awkwardness is fine for eg Christmas Eve dinner or something, rite of passage really.

But this? No.

St0rmTr00per · 16/12/2021 18:13

We don't really know her, she never met DH,

no. easy answer. the day is about you, your DSs and your parents saying goodbye and sharing memories. You are all there to support DS, she doesnt need to be. Maybe she could join you for a meal at another time, but its your family day and its not fair on any of you to have a virtual stranger there while you grieve and say goodbye.

Somebodylikeyew · 16/12/2021 18:15

No, not appropriate.