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Original poster

DS1's GF wants to come to ashes thing

66 replies

Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 16:03

I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

DH died in the summer and we plan to spread his ashes on his birthday and then go for lunch. Me, 2DSs and my parents (DH didn't have family).

GF has told DS1 she'd like to come to support DS1 .DS1 would like her to come.

It's not that I don't want her to come, I just think it could be tortuous for her. We don't really know her, she never met DH, the odd occasion I have met her she seems very shy, making small talk can be hard work and my parents don't have great social skills at the best of times. I'm going to find the day hard going, I won't be on top social form either. I quite liked the idea of sharing the occasion with those who loved DH.

Plus I wonder if it's fair on DS2 who is also very shy, to bring an effective stranger.

OTOH I don't want to give anyone the idea that I want to exclude her and DS1 has been struggling with his dad's death recently so could probably use some support, but I'll be there and so will GPs.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 16/12/2021 18:15

Is he saying he needs her there?

He's been with her 6 months. He does not 'need' someone there who never even met his dad, above the rest of his family needing to keep the event to close family only.

Hopefully he will understand that.

PickElaine · 16/12/2021 18:21

You are all there to support DS, she doesnt need to be.
This is a very good point. It's a day to talk about, honour and remember your husband.

ExquisitelyDecorated · 16/12/2021 18:22

No, absolutely not. When DMIL died we agreed to just have DFIL and the sons take part in the ash scattering, and the DILs (both of us married 20 years + to the sons and very close to DMIL) stayed away to let them do it together. So a GF of 6 months who never met your DH would be wildly inappropriate IMO.

ChloeCrocodile · 16/12/2021 18:23

Just say no. She never met your DH so it is really inappropriate for her to attend such a small gathering. Tell him that scattering the ashes and the lunch are immediate family only. She can come over in the afternoon/evening.

He doesn't "need" a girlfriend of 6 months to be with him. But you and DS2 absolutely need to be able to get through this without having a near stranger around.

gavisconismyfriend · 16/12/2021 18:24

I’d be inclined to say yes. If she’s supporting him then he’ll be in a better place to support you and his brother. If she’s as quiet as you say, then she’s unlikely to be intrusive. Some of it may also be about him feeling recognised as an adult - I’m not going to explain this well, I just remember feeling that need when my dad died. To have someone that was “mine” who I could turn to was really important. I also remember a v new girlfriend turned up to support a friend at his mum’s funeral. We were all a bit uncertain about it at the time, but she navigated it so well on the day and they’ve now been married about 10 years, so looking back it was important she was there.

Lacedwithgrace · 16/12/2021 18:28

Could you do the ashes thing with just family, and meet her at the restaurant? You could still spend time together seperately with no pressure.

Gazelda · 16/12/2021 18:38

I don't think it's appropriate.
In my experience, scattering the ashes is far more intimate and personal than a funeral. You'll probably want to reminisce about your DH. Share memories, laugh, cry. You won't be able to fully 'let go' if a stranger who never met him is there.

I get why your DS wants her there. He must be finding things hard, like all of you. But this isn't the occasion to put his wishes above the needs and comfort of everyone else. Invite her to the lunch by all means. But not the scattering.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. How hard it must be to navigate this without the person who you'd probably be mulling it over with if he were here.

Mochudubh · 16/12/2021 18:40

@Clymene
You don't want to be looking back in years to come and remembering the awkward girl that was there whose name you can't remember.

I agree with this, at that age they may not be together this time next year (but don't say that).. I'd go with the "close family only" at the actual ash scattering but she's welcome to come to lunch/tea later.

Could you get your parents on board to gently tell him why it's not appropriate?

Topseyt · 16/12/2021 18:50

I wouldn't have wanted anyone who wasn't very close family to have been with us when we scattered my Dad's ashes earlier this year. In the end it was just my sister and I who did it, as my mother is unable to walk far and could not have got up the hill he had wished to be scattered on.

I am sure this girl is well meaning, but I think that some things really are for family only unless the expressed wish requires extra help for any reason. I didn't even go to the scattering of my FIL's ashes. I was looking after our two youngest children, the youngest of whom was less than a year old. DH did not come to the scattering of my Dad's ashes.

Offer to see her later, or in the evening.

StickyStickyStickStickSong · 16/12/2021 19:30

Only you know your husband. The way I think I would deal with it is I'd think about what he would have wanted or if he would have minded. Was he a quiet and reserved guy and probably wouldn't want her there or do you think he'd be absolutely fine about it and welcome her in?

As to your son, he has been with her 6 months this shows they're really into each other, as other pp have said he may want her there for support. After all she is special to him. And if your other son is fine with it I don't see any harm. She may simply want to show her respects and be there for her boyfriend on the day

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 16/12/2021 19:34

@Peakedtoosoon

Boys are 17 & 19 . They've been together for c. 6 months.
I married my teenage boyfriend so I’m biased but I went to a funeral with him for a close family member at this age. I don’t see how their age impacts anything. They are a long term gf. I would include them.
Thatsplentyjack · 16/12/2021 19:41

Absolutely no. Let's face it, they are unlikely to stay together and do you all (especially him) want the memory of his dad's ashes being scattered with the ex girlfriend there?

miltonj · 16/12/2021 19:41

If they split up, he may not want her entangled in the memory of the day.

Also it's definitely a family occasion. Invite her round later in the day.

Cherryana · 16/12/2021 19:49

I would say that I agree with the first few posters ‘no’ but once you get home
In the evening she is welcome to come over and see your son.

The dynamic on a day like this is very precious. A mixture of laughing, crying and remembering and I think it needs to be able to unfold naturally with people who loved your DH and who love each other.

It was not wrong of your son or girlfriend to ask and it is not wrong for you to say no and protect the time together.

LizzieSiddal · 16/12/2021 19:53

I’d say no, talk to DS and tell him it’s about all of you and DH and as she never met him it may be very difficult for her, so she can come to the house in the afternoon, after you’re back from lunch.

RosieGuacamosie · 16/12/2021 19:55

I married my teenage boyfriend so I’m biased but I went to a funeral with him for a close family member at this age. I don’t see how their age impacts anything. They are a long term gf. I would include them.

Surely you acknowledge that’s rare though? 6 months at 19 is certainly not long term!!

I’m very sorry for your loss OP, if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t want here there either, I think it’s perfectly fine to say “close family only”.

user1471453601 · 16/12/2021 20:10

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

When Mum died the funeral was quite large. Mum was a local councillor who knew and helped many people.

When her ashes were interred with her alongside her Mums body, it was just me, sis, daughter and niece. Afterwards, daughter (who was very close to Mum) said that was the bit that touched her most. Just family, saying goodbye to our special person.

I would maybe comprise and maybe invite the gf to the meal.

Billyliarohdear · 16/12/2021 20:15

It's not appropriate her being there.
I'd talk to ds and tell him that as much as you like her you would feel more comfortable with it just immediate family.

emmathedilemma · 16/12/2021 20:55

I would have said yes to her going but it seems I’m in the minority! I just think teenage boys need all the mental health support they can get and if she’s willing to be that for him then I’d at least let her come to some of the day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2021 21:11

No. Only close family and people who knew and loved your husband should be there.

I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you a peaceful day saying goodbye to him Flowers

YellowDots · 16/12/2021 21:11

*I married my teenage boyfriend so I’m biased but I went to a funeral with him for a close family member at this age. I don’t see how their age impacts anything. They are a long term gf. I would include them.

*This isn't a funeral though. I'm sure most of us have been to funerals of people we weren't incredibly close to.

This is five family members spreading the ashes of a very close relative.

StickyStickyStickStickSong · 16/12/2021 22:53

@RosieGuacamosie

I married my teenage boyfriend so I’m biased but I went to a funeral with him for a close family member at this age. I don’t see how their age impacts anything. They are a long term gf. I would include them.

Surely you acknowledge that’s rare though? 6 months at 19 is certainly not long term!!

I’m very sorry for your loss OP, if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t want here there either, I think it’s perfectly fine to say “close family only”.

It is rare but I also had a boyfriend when I was 17 and 14 years on he's my husband and father of our beautiful baby. It can happen 😌

But ultimately it's OP's decision after she's thought it through and maybe spoken with DS, there's a mixed bag on here and I can see both sides tbf.

Sorry for your loss OP xxxx

Original poster
Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 22:55

As it happens, DH was the man I met at 19yo. We'd have been married 30 years this year.

OP posts:
Justyouwaitandseeagain · 16/12/2021 23:05

It's tricky. I can see both perspectives. It would be fine if you want just your immediate family there.

But if they are serious, I don't see why it is immediately inappropriate for her to be there. My first bf supported me at a close relatives funeral at a similar age and despite him now being an ex I don't look back on him being there any differently. It seems nice that she wants to support him and maybe feel a bit closer to his dad, who was clearly a key person in your son/her boyfriends life.

I have much more negative feelings and memories about my parents cutting my BF out of important events at a similar time. He is still at a vulnerable age and it means the world when parents treat your relationships as sensitively and seriously as you do.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 16/12/2021 23:10

Sorry meant to add that if you do definitely want the day to be just family then I think a group meal or something similar does sound like a good compromise.

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