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Original poster

DS1's GF wants to come to ashes thing

66 replies

Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 16:03

I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

DH died in the summer and we plan to spread his ashes on his birthday and then go for lunch. Me, 2DSs and my parents (DH didn't have family).

GF has told DS1 she'd like to come to support DS1 .DS1 would like her to come.

It's not that I don't want her to come, I just think it could be tortuous for her. We don't really know her, she never met DH, the odd occasion I have met her she seems very shy, making small talk can be hard work and my parents don't have great social skills at the best of times. I'm going to find the day hard going, I won't be on top social form either. I quite liked the idea of sharing the occasion with those who loved DH.

Plus I wonder if it's fair on DS2 who is also very shy, to bring an effective stranger.

OTOH I don't want to give anyone the idea that I want to exclude her and DS1 has been struggling with his dad's death recently so could probably use some support, but I'll be there and so will GPs.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Kite22 · 16/12/2021 23:24

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss, and for the boys, losing their Dad.
However, I think it would be inappropriate and I agree with the first reply from HairyBiker

Just let them know this is to be a quiet, reflective time for those who knew your dh / their Dad to share memories and it is only for your immediate nuclear family. It is different from a funeral service and wake when everyone is welcome and there is a much wider invitation to anyone who knew him, or even for those who want to support those who have lost him.

Rainartist · 17/12/2021 01:30

Definite no, if she never met your dh and only been with ds for 6 month.

It's an intimate time for close family only. Not fair on you and your other ds, or your parents really. I'm sure you want an arm around each son and support each other, bringing her in the mix will change that dynamic. None of you should feel inhibited in your grief because of a new acquaintance being there.

If in the unfortunate event of them splitting up your memories will be marred by the presence of this person who had no significance in the life the four out of five people there nor your dh. You don't want to resent her in future.

I wonder whether at her age she experienced anything like that sort of grief before, she may not have a clue what she may be letting herself in for, I'm sure she means we'll but it's slightly misplaced, I'd hope her own relatives might point that out to her.

(I wouldn't mention the possibility of a split to him though, just concentrate on saying you want it to be you 5 and she is welcome to join you all later).

Rainartist · 17/12/2021 01:45

I too was with DH since 20 and we've been through a lot.

In this case I think the key thing is she didn't meet, never mind know your dh, her boyfriend's father. That's what feels inappropriate. It isn't an age thing.

Not the same thing I know but my aunt had a new partner we met at a big family occasion. She insisted on him being in all the formal family photos ( to be fair to him he tried to get out of it saying family only, but she insisted) they ended up splitting up and now we have this random in a significant family event photos. It caused problems in the wider family. As they didn't want to display the photos etc. It's not really aunt's fault, I'm sure she thought it would go the distance, as I'm sure your ds does to op, but we don't always know what's in the future and they are young.

If he really wants her and doesn't see reason perhaps a compromise is she comes with him but stays back a fair way/in the car, then he has the moral support for the journey there and back but the actual ceremony is just family. That way if they go the distance, she's been there for him, he's been acknowledged as an adult and she's been included by the family and part of a special day but without being to intrusive.

Hope you find a way through xx

JohnStonesMissus · 17/12/2021 01:47

It would be a no from me too, why does his needs trump everyone else's? If they've been together for 3 or 4 years I would probably consider it but 6 months? No way, they might not be together in the not too distant future and you'll forever have the memory of a virtual stranger at the scattering.

RedBonnet · 17/12/2021 12:08

So sorry for your loss

Hope it's not inappropriate, but what do you think dh would have said? Xx

Andylion · 17/12/2021 12:33

GF has told DS1 she'd like to come to support DS1 .DS1 would like her to come.

I wonder if your DS would have even thought of her coming if she hadn’t suggested it?

INeedNewShoes · 17/12/2021 12:45

I'm sorry for your loss.

You can say no to this and I think you should.

The GF really should not have created this situation. It shows immaturity and a lack of empathy to ask to come to scatter the ashes of someone you haven't met when you've only known the family at all for six months. You just don't ask to be something as intimate as this.

A six month relationship could well be over this time next year and that could be even harder for DS to bear if she has been present at an absolutely key moment of his life.

YesILikeItToo · 17/12/2021 13:08

My then boyfriend was at my father’s deathbed. They hadn’t met when my father was in any state to understand who he was. My memories are not marred by the fact he’s no longer my boyfriend, and I know that my mothers aren’t either. I don’t think you can plan out what memories are going to be in advance. I think it is more about what you want to do now than about what will happen in the future.

Original poster

Peakedtoosoon · 17/12/2021 13:24

@Andylion

GF has told DS1 she'd like to come to support DS1 .DS1 would like her to come.

I wonder if your DS would have even thought of her coming if she hadn’t suggested it?

I don't know. I have quite worked out the dynamic, but I'm staying out of it!

OP posts:

Original poster

Peakedtoosoon · 17/12/2021 13:24

Haven't worked out the dynamic..

OP posts:

daretodenim · 17/12/2021 13:31

Another voice to the No. She's wanting to be nice, at best, but honestly what is she going to do to support him - unless she's experienced a similar level of loss?

I don't even know if the lunch is appropriate for her to be present. I'd be inclined to offer that she comes over in the afternoon+evening and you order them pizza (or whatever) so they can have a nice time together.

It's such a precious time. It's not a spectator event and she'd be a spectator.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 17/12/2021 13:46

I'm in the No camp too.

Your DS and his GF are still in the honeymoon/loved-up stage and want to be with each other all the time, which is understandable, but this is not appropriate. You barely know her and I would assume your parents know her less well? You don't need to be worrying about whether she's ok and being included when you should be focussing on remembering your late husband. Invite her round when you get back after the lunch.

Sorry for your loss OP.

ancientgran · 17/12/2021 13:50

@Peakedtoosoon

Yes, DS1 is saying he wants her there. DS2 says it's fine but he has form as a people pleaser and often says what he thinks you want to hear.

Maybe it would be good for DS2 as you would be able to support him rather than dividing yourself between both sons.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/12/2021 13:53

How long to the birthday?

Will she be a stranger to DS by then?

Hemingwayscatz · 17/12/2021 14:05

It isn’t appropriate for her to attend and I’m surprised she’d even want to tbh, I’d imagine most people would feel awkward going to something so private and personal. I’d personally say she can go to the meal afterwards but not the scattering, she never even met your DH.

Sorry for your loss .

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/12/2021 14:05

I think it is a difficult time OP, and she already (inadvertently) is adding pressure to it that you don't need at this time.

There is no need for her to be there and to be honest i'd suspect it probably has more to do with them being young and in love and wanting to do things they or she imagine 'proper' adults in relationships would do to solidify it as a proper relationship or prove it's 'serious'. That sort of thing has nothing to do with this, and so it isn't necessary to indulge it given they're been together 6 months at the age they are. Even if she is lovely and they end up together indefinitely, at this point- not appropriate IMO.

She can support your DS with ease, without attending, as can his family.

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