If you are a ND adult do you recognise that you were a difficult child?

[ASDmam]

My son’s ‘truth’ is that everyone is horrible and screams at him. the truth is he has lots of family who love him and we are trying our best.

I worry he will grow up and believe we were all against him.

I was looking for a bit of reassurance that this will not be the case.

The shouting.
When I raised my voice, or was emphatic about something, or used too many words and included too much information when mine were in a stressed state, I found it wasn’t helpful and indeed was like petrol on a flame.

If I have something important to say, I speak more slowly, stick to the specific point and my voice is almost monotone. Then they hear the words, not the noise or a threat or the fact that yet again they’re landed in the shit without knowing why.

Normally we chat, laugh and talk in a manner almost indistinguishable from NT interactions. But when something’s gone wrong, the need changes.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I suppose I just have to accept that no matter how hard I try the outcome might be that he feels all the adults in his life failed him.

You just can't predict this, OP. I'm sure you can think of people who had pretty rough upbringings in borderline neglectful families who love and respect their parents and have only fond memories of their childhood. Likewise I'm sure you can think of people who had a stable loving childhood and yet feel short changed.

I never understood how awesome my parents parenting was until I had DS and realised I am never going to be that good. My brothers still feel my parents could have done more, could have pushed them harder...

The parents who are chastising you on this thread are just as likely to be told that they have failed their children in 20 years time. As am I. We all just have to live with that.

Yes I suppose everyone has their version of the truth when it comes to their childhood. I’ll just keep trying my best.

I’ve learned my lesson to never admit that I find his behaviour difficult.

FYI, being branded as difficult, airheaded, hairbrained, scatter brained and whatever else you want to call an ND child who has zero control over the way they are is a guaranteed way to fail your child.

There are a number of things you can do. Do you know his triggers? Can you reduce his everday stress/overwhelm? Does he tell you what is difficult?

The " Can you see me book?" is so good, and written partially as a story first person but also with information in it about autism in a simple but accurate way.

The other book that is good is "explosive child" by Ross Greene if you want a way of looking at things and to problem solve.

A lot is around changing perspective (would you be wondering if a physically disabled child gre up to realise how "difficult" they were? All those ramps and extra time taken to do things.... just because an autistic child's disability is internal doesn't make it anymore their "fault.")

I think you've had a hard time here OP. I have an autistic child and I am fairly sure he could easily grow up to tell a narrative of how we never let him do anything fun and always shouted. Neither statement would be true. I try to take the opportunity to put my POV across conversationally at other times, for example when watching TV.

eg "Look at that boy, he's having trouble with such and such and so he's really angry and shouting/kicking. It must be tough for him.... I guess it must be tough for his mum too - she looks sad. It's tough for parents when their children are having trouble, because parents really want to help but don't always know how they can. So it's hard for them but in a different way."

I've noticed my ds may not respond to comments like that at the time, but does seem to remember them later. I figure it all goes to help him build a picture of other people and how they operate, so on balance it's useful context to provide. It may help you too

Have you told anyone what he’s saying? As in a medical professional? Because at his age, it’s taken seriously.

@ASDmam Instead of never admitting you find his behaviour difficult, you could instead start a thread on the SEN board explaining what you have been finding difficult and they could give some suggestions how to improve the situation for you and your son.

I’ve learned my lesson to never admit that I find his behaviour difficult.

Do you understand that that’s not what your OP said?
Yes, the yelling, , crying, aggression, meltdowns, rigidity of thinking,, suicidal thoughts and the multitude of negative interactions all round are a huge challenge for everyone involved, especially the ND individual. And it’s ok to admit it.
But that’s not what people are responding to in your post.

[quote Voldermortsballsack]@ASDmam be aware that shouting can contribute to sensory overload which then can lead to a horrible and humiliating uncontrollable meltdown.

Happens to me and I’m 35![/quote]
Shouting, or even a stern tone that suggests someone is upset with him is a huge Meltdown trigger for my son. To the extent that he physically will run away, infront of traffic, and try and hide etc. There is no shouting in this house whatsoever. There used to be but I know better now.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry this is just like me even as an adult.

@BurningTheClocks

I’ve learned my lesson to never admit that I find his behaviour difficult.

Do you understand that that’s not what your OP said?
Yes, the yelling, , crying, aggression, meltdowns, rigidity of thinking,, suicidal thoughts and the multitude of negative interactions all round are a huge challenge for everyone involved, especially the ND individual. And it’s ok to admit it.
But that’s not what people are responding to in your post.

From what I understand it’s because I phrased it difficult children rather than writing ‘your behaviour was difficult for your caregivers’.

I'm NT and I was a very challenging child. I have two ND DC- and I do now wonder, looking back on how challenging I was as a child, if I am ND. I wouldn't put up with the way I behaved as a child, I would have driven myself insane!

One of my ND DC has always been very challenging. He's now an adult, and it's only now other members of the wider family are realising how challenging he can be. I think they used
to think I was whinging, but DH and I also managed social occasions very carefully so relatives
never saw how he could often react. He now seems to think our parenting was "annoying". I've given this massive amounts of thought, and while we may have annoyed him, we always, always put him first. He's yet to realise that he was ever difficult challenging, destructive, and just dann hard work it's a bloody good job we love him very, very much.

It wasn't until my own children were 8+ that I realised how difficult I was. If I'd never had DC o probably wouldn't realise now.

[quote Voldermortsballsack]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry this is just like me even as an adult. [/quote]
I totally get it. I hope no one shouts at you. No one needs to shout at anyone really outside of dangerous situations.

@ToughTittyWhompus

Have you told anyone what he’s saying? As in a medical professional? Because at his age, it’s taken seriously.

I'd second this - although the waiting lists are likely to be horrendous.

I'm ND (I have an ASD assessment next month to fully confirm but there are other issues there already confirmed), and DD2 is diagnosed with various neurodiversities, and DD1 I've suspected from toddlerhood - but she masks well and it's not really been enough for anyone to take me seriously until recently. She's a similar age to your child and has started saying the same kind of things - lots of negative self talk, lots of talk about death and self-harm - not in a way I think she actually would, but part of it is that she knows people will react to it, and part of it is she's fascinated with biology anyway.

I did a self-referral to CAMHS the other day and they rang me back the following morning accepting that she needs to be seen and putting her onto the waiting list.

Thankfully we've had her at schools where they've realised her loud overconfident manner actually comes from a lack of confidence and tried to build her back up - but it took a right battering during the pandemic. I'm pretty good at defusing her when she gets into a doom spiral and chivvying her back along and we try to build her back up as much as we possibly can. I don't think she'll grow up hating us - I think it's genuinely her lashing out as she's learnt not to lash out physically anymore and we're her safe place to do it.

I was a little sod as a kid - mum knocked my self-esteem right down. I try desperately not to do it with my two.

I prefer the term ‘spirited’, OP.

I mean, realistically I think I’m a much more difficult adult.

I was a handful as a kid but I also wasn’t given the support I needed back then. I only got a diagnosis at 35, mind you.

I agree it is the phrasing of your original post that was most problematic. However, again if we think of physical disabilities, do you really think it would be ok to ask a physically disabled person if they realised how difficult their disability was for their parents?
Whilst no doubt it would be a challenge to parent a disabled child I really don’t think you would ask a blind/ deaf/ paralysed person this question! Of course it is difficult for you, but surely you can see it is distressing and difficult for the person with the disability too. I’m still not sure you entirely understand why your post is so offensive!

I'm ND and have one ND child. I absolutely recognise how difficult I was as a child but am also saddened by the lack of empathy my parents had for me. I think if you have your kids back and let him know you'll still be there post meltdown etc when he needs you the most, you'll both get through the difficult years. I don't blame my parents for struggling with me and am a better parent for it because I'm not so hard on myself when I'm struggling with my ND child.

You're getting a hard time here, OP. I know what you meant though, I think.

My daughter was born premature. In her first year she's had more horrible medical interventions than most people do in a lifetime. I've held her down for literally hundreds of injections and cannulas, I've watched whilst she screamed hysterically through lumbar punctures... it goes on and on.

It's all been in her best interests, but I really hope she can see that. And I hope that, when I've fucked up, like when I've had to walk away from her when she's hysterical, or when I've screamed at her to stop crying when I've been awake for 36hrs holding her oxygen mask on, she can forgive me. Because God knows I've done the best I can for her.

Love makes me want her to feel all her feelings and express how things make her feel. Guilt makes me want to hope that she forgives me and can see how difficult 'she' was - as in, the situation, not her.

This post is all about me, but I hope it somehow connects with you. X

Also the fact that your son is having suicidal thoughts should be a major red flag for you. Autistic teens/ young adults are more than three times as likely to commit suicide and many struggle with self harm too. This is a major risk for him and you really should be seeking professional help if you haven’t already done so.

Thanks for those asking if he is seeing anyone, he is seeing a mental health nurse.

For those comparing a physical disability to Autism, I get where you are coming from, but being screamed at that your an awful person and waking on eggshells to try and prevent a meltdown is a completely different challenge.

I understand that is part of who he is but it is no less upsetting.

For those comparing a physical disability to Autism, I get where you are coming from, but being screamed at that your an awful person and waking on eggshells to try and prevent a meltdown is a completely different challenge.

Yes they’re different challenges, because they’re different disabilities but not necessarily easier or harder than the other. I have been attacked, had things thrown at me, been called the worst things you can think of, been threatened with weapons and been told I’ll be killed in my sleep. I know how hard it is. It’s still not his fault. He is not difficult- his disability makes his life and mine difficult for both of us.

Thank you for sharing that @October2020 I hope your daughter is doing well now.

Not all ND children are difficult, or challenging. I was extremely quiet, and as a girl I was just considered shy and this was considered an appropriate attribute in my culture at that time, sadly.

Oh OP I'm sorry. I understand completely where you're coming from.

And I'm sorry for all the judgemental replies here too.

You should probably start another thread with the title "help my ND son is suicidal" (or something like that) for some more relevant advice. I'm not sure why your first concern is what your son is going to say about you in the future. Focus on the here and now.