If you are a ND adult do you recognise that you were a difficult child?

[ASDmam]

My son’s ‘truth’ is that everyone is horrible and screams at him. the truth is he has lots of family who love him and we are trying our best.

I worry he will grow up and believe we were all against him.

I was looking for a bit of reassurance that this will not be the case.

@ToughTittyWhompus

Maybe I’d rather have empathy for an ND child who is experiences the world in a very different way to NT people and is being labelled as “difficult” for something they really cannot help.

Threads like these are awful.

If a parent was complaining about their physically disabled child being difficult, all Hell would break loose.

But bashing ND kids is now the norm and totally acceptable on Mumsnet.

Is it not possible to have empathy for both?

@ToughTittyWhompus

It sounds like you lack the skills required to parent your son properly.

Oof! A bit harsh, no?

Do any of us have the necessary skills to perfectly parent our kids at all times?

Not sure where you’re getting this from the OP, in any case.

user1477249785 so does my child. But isn’t that better than trashing their mental health and self esteem?

Is shouting more effective at calming them down?

I get that it’s hard and we have to keep them safe. But walking away is better than shouting imo.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

If you are a ND adult do you recognise that you were a difficult child?

The implication being that all ND people were difficult children? Are difficult adults?

Quite offensive. And ignorant.

This! Utterly offensive. I am autistic and wasn’t a difficult child. I was extremely withdrawn and seen as shy, extremely obedient (all rules had to be followed) academically bright and very studious. Spent all my spare time reading and drawing. Didn’t stop my mum hitting me, screaming in my face that I was weird and a f**king disappointment who she wished would just die, or making me do all the cleaning and caring for my two younger siblings from the age of 7. She never hugged me once or showed me any affection, yet I was the one to blame for being ‘cold’. I have no contact with her now, nor do my non-ND siblings. However, my mum would rewrite it as me being ‘difficult’. ND children and adults are often seen as being difficult just for being different. It is terribly sad when our own parents label us this way instead of understanding what our point of view. Fwiw I am not ‘difficult’ as an adult either. I struggle in the world but I am kind, loving and polite. And even if I was ‘difficult’ I would still like to think I deserved empathy and compassion. Asking if we were/ are ‘difficult’ implies we are to blame for challenges caused by our disability. Would you use the word ‘difficult’ if your child was blind or couldn’t walk? We are constantly expected to fit into worlds that are not catered to our needs and then the problem is framed as being with us, not the society that does not help accommodate us. This is made so much more of a struggle for a young child to cope with

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

If you are a ND adult do you recognise that you were a difficult child?

The implication being that all ND people were difficult children? Are difficult adults?

Quite offensive. And ignorant.

Absolutely! I was an incredibly easy baby, spoke late, but no trouble until I got to school. My NT sibling was a nightmare child.

Cross posted with @ToughTittyWhompus, who put it much better than I did

@user1477249785 - being horrible about a child who’s disabled and suicidal is completely unacceptable, so I’m not sure why my empathy should lie with OP. She’s more interested in how he will retell this as an adult.

I think that wanting your child to look back and see how ‘difficult’ he was is problematic. Do you really want him to view himself so negatively?

Or do you just want him to see that you’re doing your best?

And I think also- parents are human. My eldest is ND (it's possible I am, my brother definitely is). My brother was more difficult to parent than me- I was pretty easy. He recognises that now, especially some of the stuff around executive function and just organising himself being bloody annoying.

But for example - mine were fighting the other day, I'd repeatedly told them to put their half empty hot chocolate away, they didn't and spilled it all over the sofa. I'd had an awful week at work and I snapped and shouted. Yes, it's not great to shout at an autistic child, but it is still possible for them to be annoying and for you to be worn really thin. I hate this idea that parents of ND children are supposed to be total paragons of virtue and never frustrated or annoyed. Of course it didn't achieve anything but it can happen.

A book I sometimes recommend to parents with autistic children is a book called "Can you see me?" Written jointly by an autistic child and an author. It really is good for helping people to see things from the childs point of view.

@EssexLioness I think maybe we had the same mother.

So many of these threads recently and last time I got a 30 day ban because I couldn’t muster up a fuck to give about anything other than the disabled child being labelled difficult, amongst other things, by an OP who had zero knowledge of ASD/ADHD and simply wanted the DC to somehow magically change.

So I’m being as polite as I possibly can be right now.

So sorry for the terrible way you were treated by your mother @EssexLioness

@WoodenReindeer

Well that is your sons truth 🤷‍♀️. We dont blame deaf people for not being able to hear. Why would we blame sound-sensitive people when they can't cope with loud sounds?

Yes that is my concern.

I’m not blaming him, I suppose I just have to accept that no matter how hard I try the outcome might be that he feels all the adults in his life failed him.

[quote ToughTittyWhompus]@user1477249785 - being horrible about a child who’s disabled and suicidal is completely unacceptable, so I’m not sure why my empathy should lie with OP. She’s more interested in how he will retell this as an adult.[/quote]
No I’m worried about ihow he will feel as an adult.

I wasn't a difficult child, I was a child who needed some damn help and never got it because my parents were too busy building their careers to see it and "Girls can't have ADHD, especially the 'H' part".

@sadpapercourtesan

I think that if your 10 year old thinks everyone is against him and he has "nothing to live for", THAT is your priority, not angsting about how he will retell it when he's an adult

Why does he feel so victimised and hopeless? Sounds like he needs to be listened to.

Yeah, this. This is a really strange way to look at the situation.

Are you looking for help? Or trying to understand? Just looking for reassurance that it will all work out ok in the end? I'm confused about the point of this thread. I'm guessing the latter, but it would seem you're in a pretty extreme and urgent parenting situation that anyone would struggle with right now, I think the focus needs to be on what will help right now, rather than that will happen at the end.

You don't need a stern tone to communicate behaviour that you don't like, it's possible to do it without. Obviously hard to change habits if you've always been led to believe sternness is necessary, but I wonder if you're actually getting good ND friendly advice. Here is an article about alternatives to sternness by the way. I know it is about a toddler, but it applies to children of all ages. www.janetlansbury.com/2015/12/finding-right-tone-setting-limits/

Raised voice may sometimes be necessary in order to be heard over other noises, but it does help to have an understanding that this can be very distressing for somebody on the autistic spectrum, whether the raised voice is necessary or not. Perhaps it does feel like screaming to him.

Are you familiar with the work of Ross Greene? That's another great place to get good info about how to help kids who are in crisis like this and find normal discipline methods impossible to cope with.

Thanks for the flowers @ToughTittyWhompus and @kowari. My life is much better without her in it.

Sorry you had similar experiences @toughtitty. I agree about these sorts of threads. They should be taken down by MN in my view. How can a parenting forum treat disabled children in this way. To label and blame children for their own struggles caused by disability is disgusting in my view. And calling them ‘difficult’ is blaming them. I understand it must be a challenge for parents but so often we are told to feel sympathise with the parents whilst whitewashing over the feelings of disabled children.

I didn’t set out to offend anyone - should I have said ‘had difficult behaviour’ rather than just ‘difficult’.

I’m fully aware that expressing things in exactly the right way is very important.

But to put it bluntly @ASDmam, you ARE failing him in blaming him for his disability and calling him ‘difficult’ for things beyond his control. Your posts seem more concerned with how he will view you, than how you can help ease his distress. This is why people are saying you lack empathy. This is a disabled child, YOUR disabled child, whose distress is made worse by you shouting at him because you cannot control yourself

Thank you for everyone who has suggested sources of information, I would do anything to make my boy have a happier childhood.

I’m a bit confused about why people think I’m shouting at him.

Not really.
Any child can be difficult, tidying up, bedtime, not being allowed to live entirely on chocolate, demanding that you let them have a pet dragon.

But you are talking about a ND child whose behaviour seems to be a response to his needs not being met, His life is impossibly hard for him at the moment and he’s lashing out. That’s not difficult behaviour, it’s a child crying out for help and the behaviour you see is a symptom of the need.

I suppose I just have to accept that no matter how hard I try the outcome might be that he feels all the adults in his life failed him.

You just can't predict this, OP. I'm sure you can think of people who had pretty rough upbringings in borderline neglectful families who love and respect their parents and have only fond memories of their childhood. Likewise I'm sure you can think of people who had a stable loving childhood and yet feel short changed.

I never understood how awesome my parents parenting was until I had DS and realised I am never going to be that good. My brothers still feel my parents could have done more, could have pushed them harder...

The parents who are chastising you on this thread are just as likely to be told that they have failed their children in 20 years time. As am I. We all just have to live with that.

@ASDmam be aware that shouting can contribute to sensory overload which then can lead to a horrible and humiliating uncontrollable meltdown.

Happens to me and I’m 35!

@BurningTheClocks

Not really. Any child can be difficult, tidying up, bedtime, not being allowed to live entirely on chocolate, demanding that you let them have a pet dragon.

But you are talking about a ND child whose behaviour seems to be a response to his needs not being met, His life is impossibly hard for him at the moment and he’s lashing out. That’s not difficult behaviour, it’s a child crying out for help and the behaviour you see is a symptom of the need.

And I’d love to know what that need is so that we could help him.