If you are a ND adult do you recognise that you were a difficult child?

[ASDmam]

My son’s ‘truth’ is that everyone is horrible and screams at him. the truth is he has lots of family who love him and we are trying our best.

I worry he will grow up and believe we were all against him.

I was looking for a bit of reassurance that this will not be the case.

@Namechangenumber1

I recognise that I was a difficult child, however I absolutely resent my mother for shouting and screaming at me, not taking me anywhere, and constantly reminding me how "naughty" I was.

This 👏

One dc is nd and used to be very hard work.

I spent two years working on my acceptance of who he was, and changing my expectations. Now we have a much better relationship and he is much happier.

Read Dr Laura Markham and Bonnie Harris. Unless he’s really very challenged then you working on yourself will probably help more than any ‘parenting’.

Also Alfie cohen - unconditional parenting.

Hmmm . Im aware of ND kids who have something like cptsd or trauma from growing up with parents who are difficult. It kind of goes both ways.

I feel like you're getting a bit of a hard time. Both of my children are ND and one of them recognises how difficult it must have been to parent her. Of course, she's phrasing it as "I was a terrible child!" which isn't true, of course, and is just an example of black and white thinking that can be typical of her neurodiversity! (I reassure her that she was by no means terrible.) The other is too affected by his neurodiversity to reflect that much (yet). I feel for you both.

I look back and realise how poorly my parents dealt with me and ignored my needs and just shouted at me. It was horrendous. If they had better parenting skills, maybe I wouldn't have been such a 'difficult child'. Check your own behaviour before labelling him as difficult.

I was a quiet well behaved young child. But I resent my parents for constantly shouting. Raised voices sends me into a panic attack because it’s a huge trigger for me now.

I was a sarcastic teenager but I didn’t cause trouble - I was too afraid of being shouted

I am autistic and have ADHD btw and I’m now a very quiet 35 year old.

I only shout when DC are in danger or extremely rude. It isn’t common thankfully.

Yes but what really helped was having an independent person (psychiatrist) with no invested interest in my family point out that the last decade must have been very very difficult both for Dd and her family who did their best with a child they didn’t know was neuro diverse. She’d never really thought about how her behaviour affects others and is only just beginning to under that she was not bad but neither were we. She is a young adult though @ASDmam so will be a while yet before your son has the maturity to recognise it and some people simply will never understand because they can’t.

Looking back back I was a pretty difficult child. No diagnosis here, but I tick so many ADHD boxes and looking back at my childhood I’m surprised no one ever suggested me being assessed (I think they would these days). I think about it from time to time, but I’ve not got around to getting an assessment yet.

Any way. I was a massive pain in the arse, but my mum had her own mental health problems and was pretty abusive, so I can’t really give you an accurate answer. Basically I’m quite traumatised by my childhood and quite resentful towards my mother, though we do have a reasonably good relationship on the surface now.

I’m ND and 2/3 of my DC are. The youngest is too young to be tested, but it’s likely she will be.

OP, if you are shouting at an Autistic child, you clearly do lack the skills needed.

Yes the NHS is shite in that respect, but there is this marvellous thing called Google, where you can find all sorts of information.

Twitters #actuallyautistic is a great read. Listen to ND adults, not NT adults.

Is CAMHS a UK wide thing or not? We are currently with them due to 10YO being severely depressed and they’ve been as much use as a chocolate teapot, but that’s not to say they’d be as useless in your area and it’s worth looking at.

I've not being diagnosed but the more I read about ADD the more I see me. I think I was very hard to parent for a lot of my childhood. I also think my parents would have struggled just as much if I'd had a diagnosis and support.

I dont see much of my parents now. Very little understanding and compassion, never mind adjusting life etc and still blame now.

No I was extremely compliant as a child due to anxiety.

My DS has been challenging and is also ND. He has a demand avoidant profile so once I understood that I was able to apply different tactics (although he still is very defiant I can negotiate. He's nearly 11).

@SayAaa

I look back and realise how poorly my parents dealt with me and ignored my needs and just shouted at me. It was horrendous. If they had better parenting skills, maybe I wouldn't have been such a 'difficult child'. Check your own behaviour before labelling him as difficult.

My sons considers anyone raising their voice slightly of talking to him in a stern manner shouting , he regularly tells me his teacher was screaming at him, so his perception might be the same as yours.

Well that is your sons truth 🤷‍♀️. We dont blame deaf people for not being able to hear. Why would we blame sound-sensitive people when they can't cope with loud sounds?

I am a ND adult. When I was young, the awareness of what being ND meant just wasn't there, especially for smart kids. My parents certainly didn't see how much I struggled.

Kind of. I recognise that I could be ‘difficult’. However, I also feel that I was let down by the adults around me. On my mum’s part, I know it wasn’t deliberate. I do think she still sees deficit rather than difference in me and the neurotypical way to be the right way to do things.

Perhaps try to reduce your son’s sensory load and work with what works for him? Try to understand his neurodivergence? I’m sure you are and I don’t mean to be patronising. But try to understand your son’s experience.

Gosh people. Have some empathy. Parenting a ND child is hard and there isn't any help generally available. Everyone just does their best and sometimes that isn't perfect but it's their best.

OP my son sees any kind of holding him to account as an attack. It's really difficult. I'm hopeful that what the above poster said, about doing this because she felt safe, is true.

My sons considers anyone raising their voice slightly of talking to him in a stern manner shouting , he regularly tells me his teacher was screaming at him, so his perception might be the same as yours.

So those strategies obviously aren’t effective ones for your child. Obviously it’s asking a lot never to raise your voice. But walking away until you’re calm might be a better option?

I grew up being told I was a difficult child. I was told I was a difficult teen and adult too… I never had tantrums or showed anger, I did as I was told, never spoke out of turn but I was embarrassing because I wasn’t as socially proficient as my mother and brother and that was me being difficult. Sitting quietly in the corner at family parties was me being difficult.

It wasn’t until recently that my brother told me he recognised I was bullied and abused by my parents for being quiet as it was shameful. He told me I had a much harder time from them than he ever did. He never apologised for making my life harder but it was somewhat validati n to hear that as I believed I wasn’t the problem.

Sometimes you need to look and listen without emotions or preconceived ideas of any child’s behaviour to work out whether perhaps the child has a point. His interpretation of your behaviour is that you are always chastising him and maybe you don’t recognise that. Maybe you need to devise a different approach that cannot be understood as criticism or anger.

It may be neither of you are wrong but you both have different communication styles and your child is telling you how he feels about yours. He’s too young to know how you feel about his. Try accommodating him for a while and see if he’s perceptions change.

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

My sons considers anyone raising their voice slightly of talking to him in a stern manner shouting , he regularly tells me his teacher was screaming at him, so his perception might be the same as yours.

So those strategies obviously aren’t effective ones for your child. Obviously it’s asking a lot never to raise your voice. But walking away until you’re calm might be a better option?

Ha ha. When I walk away, DS trashes the house.

Yet another Mumsnet thread basically telling us autistic folk we are a burden

I wasn't difficult, I just struggled with NT life and needed everything simpler, slower, with no changes. When this didn't happen I would have meltdowns as I didn't know how else to communicate. The stress was too much

My mum's favourite word: should.
"You should be eating a more varied diet"
"You should be spending more time with friends"
"You should wash your hair more often"

SHE CAN SHIT ON HER F**KING SHOULDS!!!!

(Sorry, I'm still a little raw).

My mum always wanted me to be someone I wasn't Not being accepted is very damaging.

Thankfully my autistic DC are growing up with two understanding autistic parents, and we all live a low sensory repetitive life

Honestly, Mumsnet is full of posters (NT and ND) who are deeply resentful of their families, feel they were the black sheep, feel their sibling was the golden child, feel their mother was a narcissist etc. In some cases their perception will be accurate, in others it is likely that they were a difficult child who was difficult to parent and were resentful of their parents' easier relationship with a more appealing sibling.

It just depends how your DS matures, and how good your best effort is. Mumsnet is full of parents who never raise their voice, never lose patience, turn every difficulty into a joyful game and successfully repress their own frustration and tiredness. In real life I have never met anyone who doesn't crack occasionally. Just keep doing your best.

I imagine I was a difficult child but I likely wouldn’t have been if my needs had been met by my parents doing some actual parenting. So I can’t say as I feel bad about it in the slightest.

It took me many years as an adult to accept me for me and to understand that while they did their best - their best simply wasn’t good enough.

I think that if your 10 year old thinks everyone is against him and he has "nothing to live for", THAT is your priority, not angsting about how he will retell it when he's an adult

Why does he feel so victimised and hopeless? Sounds like he needs to be listened to.

Maybe I’d rather have empathy for an ND child who is experiences the world in a very different way to NT people and is being labelled as “difficult” for something they really cannot help.

Threads like these are awful.

If a parent was complaining about their physically disabled child being difficult, all Hell would break loose.

But bashing ND kids is now the norm and totally acceptable on Mumsnet.