Light hearted, how would you address post to us as a married couple?

[Terribleluck]

We got married and I didn't change my name. My official name is Ms X-Y. I married Mr. A. Post gets addressed to us as Mr & Mrs A-X. Wouldn't that imply he changed his name? It's a but silly, but had never thought about it before. I'm just clueless as to what would be the "norm".

I don't tend to use marital statuses unless I know the couple like them - there's no real need - so would just go with John A/Jane X-Y, or just A/X-Y

Thanks @hotmeatymilk! That's really what "bothers" me. I know the Mrs isn't a "property title" but to me it feels that way.

If work, it’s Mr A and Mrs X-Y
If friends, it’s first names Joe and Jane no surname.
If Christmas cards to a large family, usually whatever surname the children have so if it’s A-Y, would address to “the A-Y family”

Do you have the kind of relationship with your BIL and his fiancé where you can say “Oi, not a Mrs, still a Ms” (or however you’d phrase it), or do you have to frostily accept the label for the next 50-60 years while gritting your teeth and thinking “I’m going to call Dave ‘Simon’ in my head at the next family barbecue, see how he likes THEM apples” until you get jaw ache?

If I knew you hadn't changed your name I'd address to Mr A & Ms X-Y. Most likely though unless you'd made an announcement about it I would assume it was Mr & Mrs A.

I do 'Mr and Mrs Surname' to married couples, no initial (if double-barrelled I'll obviously include both barrels).

MIL does Mr and Mrs (Husband's first name) Surname when sending something to both of us, which I find mildly irritating but not enough to take it up with her, as she's generally lovely and at 82 I guess that would have been the style of address she grew up with.

@Kpo58

I would do Mr & Mrs X if you are married

Mr X and Mrs Y is often too long for the space or makes it look like you are having an affair or aren't married.

What the actual…?!? As if you’d be addressing a letter to two people having an affair 🙄. And who cares whether you look married. I’ve kept my own name expressly so I don’t ‘look married’, because it’s nobody else’s damn business.

@PragmaticWench

Actually amongst our close friends we cut each surname in half and put them together. Sounds daft but it's quite funny and obviously on cards and nothing official.

Me too.

Other than that, first names with the person who is my connection written first.

When I am sent mail by people who make assumptions based on archaic marriage traditions, I ask who Mrs xxxx is, because Mrs xxxx died in 2013 of kidney cancer… cue awkward silence ( theirs) I leave the awkward silence for as long as possible then I explain that I am Ms Freedomfund.

I’m married and didn’t change my name but our children are double-barrelled. So I’m Ms A, DH is Mr B and the kids are A-B.
We get every combination of names possible, it’s ridiculous!

I've said this before, but I'll say it again, Miss, Mrs, Ms are all abbreviations for the SAME word: 'Mistress'. This was used for centuries as the title when addressing a respectable/worthy/achieveing/wealthy older-than-teenage woman. www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles Even today, you can use whichever abbreviation you like, regardless of marital status.

In many countries - including Scotland - women did not change their surname on marriage. So I'm Ms/Miss/Mrs X; my husband is Mr Y.
It's not difficult for anyone.
If you've already started calling yourself 'the family whatever' then of course some of your friends are going to copy that. They will assume it's what you want. It's a bit late now to object or question, but you can try. If it's definitely not what you want, just tell them. Sign your cards with your chosen name, and put the name - plus your chosen title - on the envelope you send to them.

I write both names and I don't use Mrs, unless I know they prefer it.

So I'd probably address it to Ms X-Y and Mr A

I just put X-Y family solves all problems

I haven't changed my name. We've had several cards addressed to Mr & Mrs "his first initial" "his surname". After the third I asked whether I had lost my first name as well as my surname because we got married.

I can never remember what people have done, especially if there are children involved, so either ask or just address to first names. Saves stress and ink.

@cowskeepingmeupatnight

I recently got married and it’s really annoying me that people are addressing me by my husbands surname. We are sending thank you cards soon and we are signing off very clearly as Dr X and Ms Y. I am being graceful about it at the moment (but silently seething), but when the cards have gone out I’m going to start correcting people if they do it again.

Interesting my in-laws have been super respectful and accommodating, even though it’s not the norm in their family. They’re great.

I also don’t mind people who ask outright - I see it as them being considerate enough to get it right. Being misnamed really feels like a patriarchal micro-aggression to me.

Presumably you mean thank you cards for wedding gifts? If so, why on earth would you you be signing off using titles; surely the people who gave you presents are family and friends, so why wouldn't you just sign off using your first names?

I deliberately address all post to married friends using the woman’s surname. It’s my small feminist point making

Me too

Yes, absolutely. But I’ll put a sticker on the back of the envelope with our return address, and use the opportunity to add our full names as we use them above. Personally I’m not a big one for titles, I prefer first names, but if people want to do the formal thing then I’d rather they don’t turn me into an appendage of my (admittedly lovely) husband.

Based on this I'm going to address all Christmas cards (and envelopes) by first names only. It seems to be yet another way to cause offence by something you have no way of knowing.

For example we send cards to some of DH's colleagues and include their partners who we know by first name, e.g Barry Smith and Freda. I haven't the faintest idea what surname Freda uses if it's not Smith. Feel it would be weird to ring them up to find out first.

You couid try sending the card to Barry Colleague esq and then writing to Freda and Barry inside?

I send post as I know there names. In your case if it was a joint letter I would write ms xy and mr a. Same as my sister and partner. But my friends who have taken name I write mr and Mrs last name. However I would give up with companies.

In the freda and Barry situation I would only put Barry on the envelope and include Freda on the inside. Or if I worry she is a controlling paranoid type I would just put both first names on the front and no last name.

I'd probably use first names or make up something e.g. the A-X-Y clan if it was someone I knew well and it wasn't anything formal.