Light hearted, how would you address post to us as a married couple?

[Terribleluck]

We got married and I didn't change my name. My official name is Ms X-Y. I married Mr. A. Post gets addressed to us as Mr & Mrs A-X. Wouldn't that imply he changed his name? It's a but silly, but had never thought about it before. I'm just clueless as to what would be the "norm".

I recently got married and it’s really annoying me that people are addressing me by my husbands surname. We are sending thank you cards soon and we are signing off very clearly as Dr X and Ms Y. I am being graceful about it at the moment (but silently seething), but when the cards have gone out I’m going to start correcting people if they do it again.

Interesting my in-laws have been super respectful and accommodating, even though it’s not the norm in their family. They’re great.

I also don’t mind people who ask outright - I see it as them being considerate enough to get it right. Being misnamed really feels like a patriarchal micro-aggression to me.

@Terribleluck

When we got married they explicitly asked if I was taking his name, which we said no, I wouldn't.

They haven’t assumed you’ve taken his name. If you had they’d have messaged “Mr & Mrs A”. They’ve assumed, and I can’t see why people wouldn’t, that your marriage has formalised the A-X surname you’ve been using.

Are these by any chance people you don’t particularly like?

The petty feminist in addresses them to Mrs & Mr (womens first name) surname . But I do enjoy watching the world burn.

I don't really understand why people seem to be fine with addressing non married couples who live together but find it so hard when they are married. I would prefer just Mr X and Ms Y but instead we get lots of Mr and Mrs X, Mr and Ms X-Y, the X-Y family etc

Ms x-y and Mr a.

I always put the woman's name first. Every little helps 😁

As a family of Ms X, Mr Y, and Master X-Y, my preference is CMOT, Bloke and not so mini Child (firstnames obv)but I don't mind 'The X-Y Family'. Things addressed to Mr+Mrs Y give me the rage

I address Anne and John as A+J Smith if both share a surname or
A. Clark and J Smith if they don't

I'm double barrelled so I always address things how I would prefer it which is Mr Initial his surname & Mrs Initial My-Surname, swapping who's first depending on who I know 'best' out of the two.

I had some very 'traditional' in laws who insisted on addressing things to Mr and Mrs His Initial Surname and I hated it. That is not my name.

That's exactly how I feel @Classic, maybe petty but I'd prefer the Mr A and Ms X-Y or family A-X but not Mr and Mrs A-X for some reason!

@Fortressofbarnitude

I just send personal mail eg Christmas cards, using the people's first names and 'my person' first.

So brother and sister in law would be David and Sheila.

Aunt by blood and uncle who married her Victoria and Jonathan.

This. If they’re actually my friends I am more informal and don’t use surnames.

We are Ms A and Mr B. At Christmas we get lots of cards addressed to Mr and Mrs B from his friends, whereas all my friends address us as Ms A and Mr B, or just use our first names. I don’t get as mad at it as I did 25 years ago when we got married, but I do think it’s pretty lazy not to address properly. When I get asked why I didn’t change my name, I always say, ‘I’ll tell you when you ask him why he didn’t change his name.’

I have some friends who haven't changed name on marries I go with:

Her first name surname & His first name surname.

@Terribleluck

But I would have thought it made sense to address it to the A-X family? Rather than Mr and Mrs...on FB I'm still under the name I've always been. My MIL calls me Mrs A, so I know Mr & Mrs A-X is some sort of improvement!

I think that's quite a subtle distinction. I don't see Mr & Mrs Smith as fundamentally different to the Smith family, especially when children are too young to read

@Fortressofbarnitude

I just send personal mail eg Christmas cards, using the people's first names and 'my person' first.

So brother and sister in law would be David and Sheila.

Aunt by blood and uncle who married her Victoria and Jonathan.

I do this too

If it annoys you please make it clear how you like to be addressed. We have people we don't know immensely well but still keep in touch with Christmas cards. They put "from hisfirstname and herfirstname and family" . Obviously in the card I write first names but how would I even know if I caused offence in addressing the envelope. Seems weird to ask after all these years.

It depends who was more my friend but assuming it's you, then Ms X-Y and Mr A

The people in question (who sends cards addressed this way) are my BIL and his fiance. We address everything in their first names if it makes any difference.

We have a similar situation with names. I'd generally go with "The X-Y A Family" if informal (e.g. X-Mas Card) or "Ms X-Y and Mr A" if formal (e.g. letter from a business).

@Classicblunder

I don't really understand why people seem to be fine with addressing non married couples who live together but find it so hard when they are married. I would prefer just Mr X and Ms Y but instead we get lots of Mr and Mrs X, Mr and Ms X-Y, the X-Y family etc

Did you call yourself the X-Y family before you got married though?

The OP and her partner did. So it’s hardly like the disliked relatives have taken it upon themselves to rename them completely.

I would do Mr & Mrs X if you are married

Mr X and Mrs Y is often too long for the space or makes it look like you are having an affair or aren't married.

My pet peeve about the whole situation is that I'm not a Mrs I'm a Ms (which I know is silly).

@PragmaticWench

Actually amongst our close friends we cut each surname in half and put them together. Sounds daft but it's quite funny and obviously on cards and nothing official.

Yes we do that.

The Smilliams

The Woodibees

etc

I have a cousin who is a Dr........after she got married (in the early 80s) I remember my uncle saying that she was keeping her maiden name for work..........as a result my mum always addressed Christmas cards to Mr & Mrs Husbands surname.............I have always done the same but in recent years I wonder if I have caused offence for years!
In recent years she had also become a Rev .............I still addressed this years card the way I always have!
We get on well and message often despite living a long way from each other............she doesn't appear to hold it against me anyway!

That’s not silly! I thought you were being a bit nitpicky given the dripfeed that you’d used A-X, and couldn’t see the problem – it obscured the real issue which is they’re not using your name (obviously A-X isn’t your name but you’ve sort of opened the gate to it by using “A-X family” yourself). But if you’ve never used Mrs they shouldn’t be using it. Your name/title is Ms.

I’ll confess I have started returning to sender cards address to me as Miss Hotmeatymilk – I’ve never in my life been a Miss, my mother put me down as Ms everywhere that was an option from birth (and I’ve done the same for DD - she’s 2, and a Ms), but I’ve got a couple of very traditional friends who seem to have Ms blindness. Thankfully they’re also traditional enough to have address stickers on everything they send, so back the letters go.

PragmaticWench
Actually amongst our close friends we cut each surname in half and put them together. Sounds daft but it's quite funny and obviously on cards and nothing official

Some of our friends do this but without giving our names away them being joined up still makes DH actual family name just spelt incorrectly. When I married I returned to the new plate on my office door I hadn’t changed my family name so they had to change it back, this is 25 years ago.