Do your 14 year olds do this?

[OhPeeQueue]

She just came running down panicked to tell me that her friend is moving to a 3 storey house next week, and that one of her friends lives in a 3 storey house somewhere else…this little speech would have ended with her telling me she’s the the only one who has to share a room with her sister. 🙄.

So I shouted at her and told her to go to her room and stop being so materialistic. She is always constantly telling me how rich her friends are 🙄.

Nice way to make your parents feel like shit when they’re working hard to give you everything they can.

I agree with others that shouting at her and sending her to her room was a complete overreaction. It's normal teenage behaviour. You don't have to indulge it, but a disinterested 'oh, does she? That's nice for her' would have done.

My family didn't have much. I reacted by never asking for anything, even when I probably should have, because I didn't want to add to money worries. My younger sister did the 'my friends all have X, why can't I have it, this house is embarrassing' thing. At the time, it upset me a bit because I thought she knew the reasons why, and I worried about my dad's feelings. Now I think that she wasn't trying to be intentionally hurtful or critical. It was just self-centred. Which is normal at that age. But you won't get her to think more of others by shouting.

Is it materialism to want your own space?
I'm sure I've heard of some parents sleeping downstairs /living room so their dc can have space and privacy?

Can you devide up the room with plaster board.

Next door had a massive loft conversion and new bathroom.
Dd kept saying (10) mummy it's a three story house now and xx has a huge bedroom already.

Our front bedroom has been devided into two, but next doors child had the one huge bedroom to themselves. They played together... Apparently next door dd said our house was much prettier, nicer garden, nicer house inside... Which I agree with.
I just talked to dd about it, said we are all in varying degrees of space and room and where houses are depends on cost etc.
I feel bad for my dc because of where we live so I have tired to compensate by making our house as beautiful and interesting on the inside as I can, and our garden an oasis with no budget.
Sometimes if having repeat conversations need to say things in a different way, show her pictures of all sorts of houses, tell her your dream house, where did you grow up?
My childhood home was far far larger, huge garden in an amazing beautiful place. However it was freezing, woolly hats on in bed, ice on windows inside.. It was not "comfortable" to live in.
Our house now has far more comforts!! Swings and roundabouts...

Putting things into context and perspective..

@G5000

I tell my kids that better kids got better parents and they got us.

This is brilliant!

I find sitting down in a communal area to have a chat about things that are troubling them is the best approach...lots of listening from you. Let them get all the injustices of the world out their system in a safe place.

Shouting isn't necessary with this age group. It will get you nowhere.

@OhPeeQueue

Sorry, why are people assuming I’m some kind of abusive parent because I shouted at her?! 😂

In the space of starting this thread and now, she came back downstairs and we had a hot chocolate and she’s fast asleep now.

We never go to bed in this house cross at one another. I do love my children!

Probably parents of 8 month old babies who have been reading Sarah Ockwell Smith books

Aw, I remember my eldest being like this! Now, at 23, she is grateful for the sacrifices I made as a single mum to make sure she had a good life. Try not to be offended, it's an age thing! X

Op, the only shocking thing about this is that you shouted at her to go to her room. I regularly want to shout at my teens to get out of their rooms

I dunno, I think kids feel happiest when they mix with others of similar financial background, when they either all go to Disneyland or Africa for the holidays, all go camping, or all go nowhere at it. It's when they're the poorer kid in the affluent school that it's very hard for them, better to be the same or slightly better off.

Glad it’s not just us. We earn a lot between us but also live South West, massive mortgage for a fairly shit house in a not posh area, have too many kids (‘you shouldn’t have kids if you can’t afford a big house for them’) couldn’t really afford to top up her uni when she didn’t get more than the minimum (I worked extra hours and we remortgaged) (‘why didn’t you save for my uni like in America?’) and she hates our house, hated having the tiny box room, was embarrassed by me (‘why don’t you let me do your hair and make up?’) etc etc. All her friends were well off and financially secure, she was so furious she hadn’t been born into luxury.

I grew up in a tiny house. It was full of love though. My parents have gone now but when I go to the house it's like I'm being given a big hug. She'll grow out of it op.

My ds once moaned I was too nice!

That is both funny and adorable in equal measure 😂 teens are weird.

I showed mine the result of a Google search of children's bedrooms from around the world to show how badly some children have it. There are several articles to showcase this.

Then I showed them the Monty Python sketch about living in a shoe box on a motorway.

I grew up sharing a room and hated it. All my friends lived in bigger houses with their own rooms and I felt acute embarrassment about how poor we were in comparison. I can see her viewpoint but this is the perfect time to talk about jobs and pay and all the things that you pay for that they don't think about such as council tax, water, gas, electric, landline and broadband, mobile phones, dental plans, insurance, how much it costs to run a car with petrol and servicing. Maybe look at house prices in your area and average salaries.

Shouting at her is unreasonable.

It is normal to want things your peers have (and also perfectly normal that you can't always have them), she should be able to talk about her frustrations without you insisting your feelings are prioritised.

It's normal to want what your peers have but in this case, their own rooms is slightly different I feel to coveting a pair of boots.

She doesn’t sound materialistic. She sounds like she’s crying out for her own room and some privacy. Not unreasonable at 14.

It sounds like you getting cross with you dd, because you feel bad she hasn't got her own room tbh.
We live in a small house, but 3 storeys tall. Dds friend lives in a massive house with 3 bathrooms. Did I shout at dd for telling me all about it? No I just said ooh imagine the cleaning 😂

It's never okay to shout at children unless there is danger. Talking through the things she does have to be grateful for is the right action here, though at 14 it must be tough to not have your own space.

She's never going to get over it or behave how you want it, if you shout at her, shut her down and take it as a personal criticism that her friends have bigger houses. It's normal for teens to start to notice wealth disparities. I'd have been exploring if there was anything else going on too because it can also tip into bullying, etc.