Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Cancer. Anyone have a hand to hold?

96 replies

Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 06:32

Fuckity fuck.
I’m just waiting for the tests and trying to come to terms with the unthinkable.
It’s not an ‘if’ it’s a ‘how far has it spread’.
I have young children.

OP posts:
TerrifiedandWorried · 04/12/2021 06:33

How very shit and unfair. Here with a hand.

ShortDaze · 04/12/2021 06:34

Oh, I’m so sorry. Have a hand hold. Do you want to talk about it?

Cric · 04/12/2021 06:35

I am so sorry to read this. I have no advice, but if you can't sleep, make yourself a cup of tea and put the TV on.... the dark makes you think of the worst possible outcomes. Sending you huge cuddles. Are you getting some news today?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health
Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 06:40

News will be a couple of weeks unfortunately as I need several biopsies in different areas. Had my first CT scan, waiting for my second. Had 1 biopsy, waiting for 2 more. It could be bad. There are a couple of options: chemo with good chances or chemo with bad chances.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 06:41

The dark is bad, you’re right Cric. But I don’t want to wake everyone up. And I’m warm and comfy in bed (in the spare room).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 06:42

I can’t believe how quickly life changes. And thanks for the hands. I need them right now.

OP posts:
ShortDaze · 04/12/2021 06:47

I know what you mean about everything changing in a moment. Do you have some real life support?

crabb · 04/12/2021 06:47

God bless you, Dammit. It is indeed a tough time for you - the waiting seems interminable. Strangely it will feel better when you know more and have a plan. Love to you ❤️

FestiveFlavours · 04/12/2021 06:52

@crabb

God bless you, Dammit. It is indeed a tough time for you - the waiting seems interminable. Strangely it will feel better when you know more and have a plan. Love to you ❤️
I agree with Crabb - it should get easier once you have a plan in place. Holding your hand and sending you best wishes. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 06:55

I have my husband for support. No one else really. He is being good but he’s a doer rather than a talker. He’s buying lots of healthy food and cooking me things whilst working and picking up on all the random things I’m doing - like leaving things half done when I get distracted and wander off. I can’t face telling my family yet. I can’t cope with their shock yet. My parents are still alive - they will be devastated - it’s all the wrong way round. That’s the only one thing I’m grateful for - rather me than my girls.

OP posts:
Cric · 04/12/2021 06:56

It is cold. I hope you have someone you can unload on in real life xx

flowerycurtain · 04/12/2021 07:01

Crikey what a shit situation. I'm like your husband, I don't do handholds or hugs I go into practical mode!!! I'm sure you've thought of it all but if you were my daughter I'd really want to know so I could support you.

Can you plan some small nice things today? When I went through a shit time recently I found watching Shtisel on Netflix a real balm. How old are the kids? Young enough to cuddle on the sofa on a cold day with a film and food?

Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 07:12

Yeah a fire sounds nice. With a blanket. But I can’t cry in front of them - they’re too young. That’s the it I’m struggling with most. They need me.

My husband has booked to take them swimming so that’ll be their activity for the day. I’m not going to go though as I’d get nervous around a lot of people - a lot of covid cases in the schools near here right now and I don’t want to catch covid and delay all my tests. I know that’s maybe not logical as they’re still going but it feels like a sensible half way house of isolation vs risk. I’ll go for a walk instead.

OP posts:
Tahitiitsamagicalplace · 04/12/2021 07:13

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's truly shit. I agree with telling your parents for support. You can get your DH to speak to them for you if it's going to be too difficult a conversation for you to have yourself.

I don't know if this is going to be any comfort to you, but I had cancer, and that period of time when I knew it was cancer, but didn't know what type or how far it had spread - I didn't know if I could be cured or if I wouldn't make it to the end of the year basically - it was one of the worst and darkest times of my life. You're waiting for a long time with no answers or plan in place, and putting one foot in front of the other seems so difficult and it's unfair that you even have to. Have a handhold from me OP. Once you get all the info/diagnosis and can get a plan in place, and get assigned a team to treat and look after you, hopefully you will feel a bit better.

I found the cancer support thread on here so valuable during that time X

Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 07:13

Girls are 6 and 7. It’s shit. I need to be there for them.

OP posts:
mommybear1 · 04/12/2021 07:15

Handhold ❤️

Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 07:19

Thanks Tahiti - ah I couldn’t see the cancer support thread. Sorry maybe should have posted there.

I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s rubbish. But I notice you said you ‘had’ cancer. Not ‘have’. That’s good. Hope your ‘journey’ (sorry, bit trite but can’t really find the words) wasn’t too awful.

OP posts:
Allnightlong2016 · 04/12/2021 07:34

Hi Dammit I’ve had cancer too, I was diagnosed nearly 3 years ago when my son was 4. Previous posters are right the waiting time to see the full extent and to know what the plan is, is so hard. You will get through it though and you find strength from places you didn’t know existed before. Sending you lots of love and strength.

LefttoherownDevizes · 04/12/2021 07:51

OP, here with an extra hand (you're surely an octopus with ask these hands!?).

If you don't already I strongly recommend following how to glitter a turn and bowel babe on Instagram, both amazing women well outliving their terminal diagnoses and doing amazing advocacy with for others living with cancer

Original poster
Dammitthisisshit · 04/12/2021 07:51

Thankyou. I’m so happy to see another ‘had’. hope it stays that way.

OP posts:
ChipsAndKetchup · 04/12/2021 08:15

Hi OP.

I know exactly how you feel. This was me in July 2020. The day before my eldest turned 6. Youngest was 4.

The waiting is the awful part. The imagining what the news will be. I used mindfulness apps to try and keep me calm. And spent a lot of time in bed crying.

Once you start the treatment though, there will be a plan and you'll be swept along on it. It will feel much easier at that point.

6 chemos and 2 surgery's later and I am fine. It doesn't seem possible from such a dark start but it does get easier. Right now just focus on day to day getting through.

A big handhold from me. Thanks

Quickchangeartiste · 04/12/2021 08:20

Here’s my hand, and my own story of hope.
3 years ago, took the tough chemo with the better choices, it was tough while it was happening, but all’s well now.
Hope it all goes well for you and your family 💐

Doofas · 04/12/2021 08:25

Sorry to read your thread. I'm reading a similar journey. My son is seven. Honestly, your children will have picked up that something is going on, probably best to tell them what do they know what's happening and not just guessing and drawing their own conclusions. Use simple factual language, children are so resilient and open to facts and being treated like they can handle like you may be surprised by how they react and deal with it. I would also recommend getting in touch with MacMillan, they have so much support for those of us waking the journey and or families. Our hospital has a support center too that we've been able to borrow some books from for our son and they have a family liaison person who will come and spend time with us at home and go to our sons school and surge time with him there too, it might be worth asking to see if there is anything like that local to you b and I would say tell your family. My mum is no longer with us but my dad has stepped right up to the plate doing school runs and bringing us dinner, sitting with me when I don't feel so well, he had appreciated bring able to help and I think he would feel hurt if I hadn't told him and all these things he could've been doing to help us he wouldn't be able to have done. You need the support and people cc around you often need things to do to help. Tell one person and it becomes easier to tell the next person. And yes the middle of the night is the worst time. The brain just whirls and turns things over. If you can get some good headphones and put some favourite music on cuddle a teddy, sounds daft but makes a difference, is very comforting, I use one of my son's and then I feel closer to him too. If you have any kind of faith, pray. Wishing you the best. I was told this week that the Samaritans are happy to support families in these kind of circumstances and you can rung then ask his of night and day. Hope you're girls enjoy their swimming trip and that you manage to have dinner nice times with then that, even if it's blanket, film, sofa!

RainbowToes · 04/12/2021 08:25

I'm holding your hand with both my hands for extra strength. Not knowing is difficult. During tough times I've been reminded of the importance of self care

EishetChayil · 04/12/2021 08:27

Offering another hand hold here.