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Original poster

Feel like he might be the one that got away but he is with someone else

72 replies

Lucia23 · 03/12/2021 23:08

A while ago I began working with someone and we hit it off right away. We are both in our late 20s. He would always come over to me at every work night and we'd always spend our time together neglecting other colleagues for hours on end. We have great chemistry and my line manager at the time gently warned against it as several people noticed the connection.

I did nothing but we became good friends and supported each others through the lockdowns. I strongly remember looking at him one day and feeling this full body warmth, not lusty at all. Not felt that way about anyone else.

Now as mad as this sounds and believe me I know how it sounds - of all the men I've dated, even lived with, this is the only one I've met that I think might actually be 'the one'. Over the last few years I've seen how consistently kind, smart, funny etc he is and it has popped into my head a few times.

But he has always been respectful while working together and never made a move. I have now resigned and found out he has been seeing a woman for a few months. Apparently she is disabled and he is already acting as her carer - so that sounds like devotion to me.

Anyway tonight we spent hours together again just us putting the world to rights and he gave me that 'look' and I thought 'shit, I am really going to miss you.' the thought of never seeing him again when I leave is awful.

I just wanted to get this off my chest really! I haven't told anyone else as I know how it sounds and yet the feeling is obvious for me. I had thought about making a move if he or I resigned but obviously now I need to stay quiet. Any thoughts or wise advice would welcome...Smile otherwise...at least it's off my chest!

OP posts:
BigYellowHat · 03/12/2021 23:13

Glad you’ve got it off your chest… but don’t get smitten and stuck on this guy. Accept that he’s taken and move on. I’m sure there’s someone else out there for you.

Emilizz34 · 03/12/2021 23:14

I think that if he was interested in you he would have made it clear .

Original poster
Lucia23 · 03/12/2021 23:19

I don't know @Emilizz34 - he is very respectful and decent and I don't actually think he would ever have made a move while we worked on the same team.

I have always thought he felt the same way. It's not foolproof but in the past I've generally been right about that feeling. I know it isn't healthy to get stuck on it though. I suppose it's a good thing I'm moving on for that reason.

OP posts:

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Original poster
Lucia23 · 03/12/2021 23:20

I just broke up with someone I had an amazing physical connection with because in the end I didn't have real romantic feelings for him. I hardly ever meet men I feel strong connections to...maybe once every few years.

Sometimes I do get it in my head that I won't meet someone that ticks all those boxes in this way. It makes me feel sad to think that but I'm almost 30 and I do think it's true that not everyone either meets or gets to be with someone they really love.

OP posts:
Bideyinn · 03/12/2021 23:47

Life is short and true connections are rare. If you really feel this guy might be the one for you, you are going ti have to raise it with him.

Pheebs2021 · 04/12/2021 09:47

I think you need to tell him, but tell him you fully respect that he is with somebody else but you just need him to know how you feel and truly accept that yourself too he might not be as for you as you think I'm afraid.

trevthecat · 04/12/2021 09:49

Tell him. If its not reciprocated you can move on but he might feel the same.

Pegasussnail · 04/12/2021 09:50

I think I would stay in contact with him but you can't really do anything at the moment. If it'd meant to be it will work out Flowers

JingsMahBucket · 04/12/2021 09:53

You need to tell him. It’s okay to make the first move.

HeartsAndClubs · 04/12/2021 09:54

Life is short and true connections are rare. If you really feel this guy might be the one for you, you are going ti have to raise it with him. absolutely not.

He’s in a relationship with someone else and is off limits. Or would you think it ok for him to dump his current partner to explore an as yet unknown connection with the OP?

OP he’s not the one. And I’m sorry to say he’s not interested. If he was he would have made that clear even if a workplace romance was off the cards. Instead he has started seeing someone else so is clearly interested in her and not you.

It’s probably a good thing that you’re moving jobs so you don’t have to see this bloke again and be sad at what you were never going to have.

HeartsAndClubs · 04/12/2021 09:54

I seriously can’t believe the number of posters who think it’s ok to hit on someone who is in a relationship. Disgusting.

HeartsAndClubs · 04/12/2021 09:56

Go and look at the relationships boards at the threads from women whose husbands have cheated on them with OW who have known from the outset that they were married and didn’t give a shit who got hurt in the process.

And here we have a thread where posters are encouraging someone to do exactly that.

MargaretThursday · 04/12/2021 10:04

@HeartsAndClubs

I seriously can’t believe the number of posters who think it’s ok to hit on someone who is in a relationship. Disgusting.
Suspect there's a bit of ableism here too, in people thinking that if the partner is disabled it's fair game. Nasty.
EIIa · 04/12/2021 10:04

Are none of you reading this!

JE HAS A GIRLFRIEND already - how would you like that done to you.

OnlyClothes · 04/12/2021 10:04

Hang on, you said you just broke up with someone.

So why would he have made a move on you? He’s not a mind reader.

Cherryana · 04/12/2021 10:07

I am so sorry. My experience is that people are interested in each other, it’s clear and acted on.

Romance is infused into our veins through books, films etc from a very early age but sexual attraction is a lot more selfish.

ChristmasKrackers · 04/12/2021 10:08

Why did you not make a move sooner? Seems like you had lots of time too?

Wait for him to be single again if he ever does and ask him out.

RaininSummer · 04/12/2021 10:08

Hasn't he only been seeing the other person for a few months? Not that I suggesting OP throws herself at the chap which she obviously isn't but usually on here everybody is quick to say that a few months is nothing really.

Gonnagetgoing · 04/12/2021 10:09

I think in this case I actually would say something but maybe along the lines of a card (maybe saying if he’s ever single again but that might not be right words).

I’ve had a few of these situations over my lifetime with a few men (you know where you get the struck by lightning feeling?!) but am never sure whether it’s just me (eg not reciprocated) and whether I’d have strong chemistry etc like I’ve had with other partners. So i wouldn’t rule it out not happening in the future.

ChristmasKrackers · 04/12/2021 10:11

So you was with somone else? I don’t think you do feel very strongly about this guy as you would have dumped your boyfriend and asked him on a date, seems like you only want him now because he is with someone else.

Gonnagetgoing · 04/12/2021 10:13

@Cherryana

I am so sorry. My experience is that people are interested in each other, it’s clear and acted on.

Romance is infused into our veins through books, films etc from a very early age but sexual attraction is a lot more selfish.

@Cherryana - not necessarily though. I’ve known men who I’d never approach due to a fear of being turned down and if they approached me depending on my confidence etc I could make out i wasn’t interested in them so they then wouldn’t ask me out.

So no I wouldn’t say it’s clear in all circumstances.

I’ve also had a man or two where I worked in the past who was interested in me, but only when we spoke one on one (eg outside the office and also less casual convos) did we get an idea of mutual attraction.

GreenClock · 04/12/2021 10:14

I think that if he were truly interested, it would have happened OP, irrespective of the line manager’s misgivings. People who feel strongly about a colleague don’t usually let office rules get in the way.

Divebar2021 · 04/12/2021 10:16

I wouldn’t have listened to the line manager in the first place. Unless there’s a policy that prevents you having relationships with colleagues you’ve put your happiness on the back burner because of work place gossip.

LarryTheLurker · 04/12/2021 10:31

Life's too short. Tell him.

It's not MN you need to get it off your chest to.

Strawing · 04/12/2021 10:32

Why didn’t you ask him out when you had the chance? I’m assuming your manager warned you because you were neglecting your work, rather than than indicating that your workplace didn’t allow colleagues to be in relationships?