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Original poster

Feel like he might be the one that got away but he is with someone else

72 replies

Lucia23 · 03/12/2021 23:08

A while ago I began working with someone and we hit it off right away. We are both in our late 20s. He would always come over to me at every work night and we'd always spend our time together neglecting other colleagues for hours on end. We have great chemistry and my line manager at the time gently warned against it as several people noticed the connection.

I did nothing but we became good friends and supported each others through the lockdowns. I strongly remember looking at him one day and feeling this full body warmth, not lusty at all. Not felt that way about anyone else.

Now as mad as this sounds and believe me I know how it sounds - of all the men I've dated, even lived with, this is the only one I've met that I think might actually be 'the one'. Over the last few years I've seen how consistently kind, smart, funny etc he is and it has popped into my head a few times.

But he has always been respectful while working together and never made a move. I have now resigned and found out he has been seeing a woman for a few months. Apparently she is disabled and he is already acting as her carer - so that sounds like devotion to me.

Anyway tonight we spent hours together again just us putting the world to rights and he gave me that 'look' and I thought 'shit, I am really going to miss you.' the thought of never seeing him again when I leave is awful.

I just wanted to get this off my chest really! I haven't told anyone else as I know how it sounds and yet the feeling is obvious for me. I had thought about making a move if he or I resigned but obviously now I need to stay quiet. Any thoughts or wise advice would welcome... otherwise...at least it's off my chest!

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 04/12/2021 12:59

Op did you post about that last night out?

Original poster

Lucia23 · 04/12/2021 13:09

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I'm sure he enjoys your company, knows you like him, and doesn't object to that. But if there was a Strong mutual attraction he would already have acted on it, and since he is now in a serious relationship you should respect that and step away.

I also find it odd that he has raced into becoming carer for his new girlfriend. Things like that should be carefully considered within a long term relationship, and I think it shows poor judgement on his part.

I also was quite surprised to hear that.

I've had some good advice here from different view points so I'll think about it. I do feel a bit sad about the situation and need to look after myself. Also need to remember I am still going through a fresh break up even though I initiated it. Thanks all.

OP posts:

HeartsAndClubs · 04/12/2021 13:19

Well this is the thread which just keeps on giving isn’t it?

The ablist “why would he want to be a carer” brigade, the “well he’s only been with her a few months so he’s essentially fair game,” brigade. And the OP’s “he seems to be her carer which shows devotion,” how bloody patronising. Given you know nothing about this woman, not even what kind of disability she has, if your attitude is that being with someone with a disability must be devotion it’s hardly surprising that he’s chosen not to tell you about her.

So next time an OP comes on here upset that the man she’s been seeing for months has had some woman come on to him, will you be telling her that “he’s only been with you a few months, it hardly matters,”? No didn’t think so.

OP he’s not interested in you.

You likely had some good conversations, but all this “he gave me a look,” bollocks is straight out of a chick flick.

Grow up.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems

asdissues · 04/12/2021 13:22

If he’s with someone else then you need to check your morals . You can’t just go and try it on with someone in a relationship

Pumperthepumper · 04/12/2021 13:24

@HeartsAndClubs

Well this is the thread which just keeps on giving isn’t it?

OP he’s not interested in you.

You likely had some good conversations, but all this “he gave me a look,” bollocks is straight out of a chick flick.

Grow up.

I agree with this. It’s very telling that he has never mentioned his girlfriend, and the fact that she’s disabled means absolutely.

Pumperthepumper · 04/12/2021 13:24

*absolutely nothing.

asdissues · 04/12/2021 13:26

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Or, maybe he’s just a decent person who sees more than a disability ffs

If for example you met someone blind who you instantly felt attracted to and began a relationship with you’d obviously take it into consideration
It wouldn’t be a case of ‘well I know you’re totally blind but till I’ve considered if I want to be some kind of carer and alway drive jjst because I can see it’ll be your turn to drive tonight’ no, if you are with someone with any additional need from the outset you automatically make allowances and help

lunar1 · 04/12/2021 13:27

There was someone a while ago who kept posting about sharing 'looks' with a man at work, are you the same poster?

Look for someone who is available.

happytoday73 · 04/12/2021 13:30

So he's not married or living with this other woman.. They haven't been dating for years.
Why can't you say something?
I always really liked you and thought we had a connection... See what he says.. Hard as you might not get the response you want... But at least you don't spend the rest of your life wondering

Jemstar12 · 04/12/2021 15:52

You’re seriously countenancing taking away a disabled woman’s partner and carer? What, do you think he can’t really be in love with her because she’s disabled? Sounds to me like he didn’t make a move on you because he didn’t fancy you, not because he was trying to be ‘respectful’. Get a grip.

BudgeSquare · 04/12/2021 15:58

There is no such thing as "the one".

You are jealous and your ego is dented and you're panicking because you're nearly 30.

He's not "the one" because there is no such thing. He's a bloke you work with who you flirt with for an ego boost.

ftw163532 · 04/12/2021 16:06

What's ableist is declaring that disabled people are only dating in order to pick up new carers, or that the only kind of relationship you can have with a disabled person is as their carer.

Wooky8 · 04/12/2021 16:11

Tell him! Up to him what he does with the information.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2021 16:17

Oh come on, OP, if you spent time with someone on work nights out and the alcohol's been flowing a bit it's dead easy to drop a massive hint about how you feel eg "oh if only I were single...." in a jokey way, or "your other half's lucky to have you" something similar, just to see what the response is. It doesn't sound like this was ever meant to be because neither of you have shown any signs of it ever going anwhere even if you were both single!

Happy1982ish · 04/12/2021 16:25

I recall your thread from last week op

You were being ghosted by your boyfriend and he seemed very disinterested. So you finished it.
I think you’re probably still raw from that and looking for a replacement

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2021 16:31

It would have been really easy when you found out through others that he had a girlfriend to mention her in a conversation you had with him. So you say things like "oh, did you go to watch that with your girlfriend?" etc. It's a technique that people use to find out if they DO have a significant other when they are just first chatting as mates and interested to know if someone is single but don't want to ask that question outright for whatever reason. Gives someone the opportunity to say "Oh I don't have a girlfriend at the moment" or even "Urgh, no, I'm really not into serious relationships" etc.

How do you even know that the people who told you the info about the girlfriend haven't got the wrong end of the stick?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2021 16:33

I just posted on another thread about how odd modern dating is, with online and dick pics and "being exlusive" etc. It's like young people (assuming you are young, OP) have lost the whole art of communication and sussing each other out romantically without being an actual sex pest.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 04/12/2021 16:34

Its easy to think someone is "the one who got away" when all you've seen are the good bits.

However he is in a committed relationship and failed to share that with you despite many in depth chats.

Unless you want to be the unmentionable girlfriend while he's off flirting elsewhere I would just leave it at that.

All this stuff about meaningful looks etc are absolutely your projection.

BamberGascoine · 04/12/2021 16:45

Some of these replies are strange. Why are PP saying if he was interested he would have made a move by now? OP hasn’t made a move either yet said she is interested!!

I haven’t read anything from the OP which suggests simpering. Relationships often start with a good friendship. Friendships don’t always involve telling the other person everything. Weird.

OP do you think he is aware of ylur feelings and kelt her quiet partly to spare any awkardness and partly to keep ylu in reserve? Are you likely to stay in contact when ylu leave? If so, don’t spoil your friendship

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2021 16:48

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you.

HeartsAndClubs · 04/12/2021 17:36

It is not ableist to have concerns about somebody becoming the carer for a person they have dated a mere matter of months. It's unhealthy because it's too quick, it creates a power imbalance, and it makes her instantly dependent on him - what has happened to her previous care package? but does she even know that he’s this woman’s carer? Not all disabled people need a carer you know, but I read an article on the bbc about the shocking number of people who assume that if an able-bodied person is with a disabled one then they must be there as their carer. Never mind that plenty of people with disabilities lead completely independent lives.

Wouldn’t surprise me if people have just assumed he’s become his gf’s carer because she has a disability, and in the eyes of some must surely need one.

DDivaStar · 04/12/2021 18:28

Previously the times not been right. Tell him how you feel it's up to him whether he acts on it. If not you know it wasn't a strong feeling on his part.

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