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Original poster

Feel like he might be the one that got away but he is with someone else

72 replies

Lucia23 · 03/12/2021 23:08

A while ago I began working with someone and we hit it off right away. We are both in our late 20s. He would always come over to me at every work night and we'd always spend our time together neglecting other colleagues for hours on end. We have great chemistry and my line manager at the time gently warned against it as several people noticed the connection.

I did nothing but we became good friends and supported each others through the lockdowns. I strongly remember looking at him one day and feeling this full body warmth, not lusty at all. Not felt that way about anyone else.

Now as mad as this sounds and believe me I know how it sounds - of all the men I've dated, even lived with, this is the only one I've met that I think might actually be 'the one'. Over the last few years I've seen how consistently kind, smart, funny etc he is and it has popped into my head a few times.

But he has always been respectful while working together and never made a move. I have now resigned and found out he has been seeing a woman for a few months. Apparently she is disabled and he is already acting as her carer - so that sounds like devotion to me.

Anyway tonight we spent hours together again just us putting the world to rights and he gave me that 'look' and I thought 'shit, I am really going to miss you.' the thought of never seeing him again when I leave is awful.

I just wanted to get this off my chest really! I haven't told anyone else as I know how it sounds and yet the feeling is obvious for me. I had thought about making a move if he or I resigned but obviously now I need to stay quiet. Any thoughts or wise advice would welcome...Smile otherwise...at least it's off my chest!

OP posts:
ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 10:39

Been there OP and it really hurts but the fact is this - if they wanted to be with us, they would be.

Ellen888 · 04/12/2021 10:40

OP,
This guy is not for you because;

  1. He is with someone else
  2. You work with him.

If you continue with this it will not end well.

Just have a look at all the relationship posts from girls who got involved with an attached man and wasted years of their life waiting for them to leave their partner/wife.

Don't be that person.

MancMum2000 · 04/12/2021 11:05

I agree with pp - life is too short not to pursue happiness. Tell him how you feel on your last day, whilst making it clear you wouldn’t be interested in pursuing it unless he became single again in the future. If he says no you never have to see him again anyway.

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Disfordarkchocolate · 04/12/2021 11:09

To be honest if he's only been with someone a few months I would let him know a little of what you feel and then leave it to him to get in touch if he wanted to. If this was a long term relationship, living together etc I'd say nothing but keep in touch the same way I would any colleague I wanted to keep in touch with.

BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 04/12/2021 11:19

He's only been with someone a few months?! Go for it!

Happy1982ish · 04/12/2021 11:21

He gave you a “look”

And he’s in a relationship

Gross

SofaKingKnotBovvered · 04/12/2021 11:27

Don't do anything, it's up to him to call it a day with his girlfriend if he feels anything for you

BleuJay · 04/12/2021 11:47

You are making excuses in your head as to why he didn’t make a move on you because he respected the world environment.

If he was interested he would have made a move on you outside of work and discussed the best way forward job wise, whether you or he look elsewhere for work etc.

BleuJay · 04/12/2021 11:48

^ work

ftw163532 · 04/12/2021 11:49

All good employees are respectful and decent towards colleagues.

You sound like a teenager who's been watching too many romcoms or episodes of Friends.

found out he has been seeing a woman for a few months. Apparently she is disabled and he is already acting as her carer - so that sounds like devotion to me.

Sounds like codependence and dysfunction to me.

Although not quite as dysfunctional as those posters encouraging you to hit on him while he is in a relationship with somebody else.

Take him off the pedestal you've put him on. He's a human who you clearly don't know as well as you imagined.

AuntieStella · 04/12/2021 11:59

He's been in a relationship for months and you didn't know.

You might feel close to him, but this strongly suggests a lack of reciprocation. He doesn't see you as someone he tells the important stuff. A new GF is important.

Sn0tnose · 04/12/2021 12:00

Either he doesn’t harbour any feelings for you at all, or he does have feelings for you, but he’s willing to lead another woman up the garden path knowing that he really wants to be with someone else.

found out he has been seeing a woman for a few months. Apparently she is disabled and he is already acting as her carer - so that sounds like devotion to me It sounds absolutely insane to me. He has a girlfriend. You know this. It’s an absolutely shitty thing to do.

You’ve only just found out he’s seeing someone after a few months? If you have that much of a connection, it’s curious you didn’t know about her existence earlier.

2021healthissues · 04/12/2021 12:05

Tbh I think it’s rare to build meaningful relationships with colleagues. This relationship with him seems to be superficial. I agree with others that if you’ve been into each other for a “while” as you say, one of you would have made a move by now. How long is a while anyway?

this just seems like a fantasy? There’s nothing gentlemanly about not asking a colleague out on a date if he genuinely liked you. He was able to ask another woman out without an issue.

2021healthissues · 04/12/2021 12:06

He just sees you as a work pal

isthismylifenow · 04/12/2021 12:09

Did I read it right... You were in a relationship yourself. So you were off limits.

Now he is in a relationship.

Which makes him off limits.

Don't be that person who goes and writes little notes etc.

I think your ego is a little dented as it seems you have had a recent breakup, and your friend (which is what he is) has moved on.

I agree it's good to get it off your chest. Maybe some replies here will help you to see things clearer.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 04/12/2021 12:14

@AuntieStella and @Sn0tnose I found about her a couple of months ago because I overheard him talking about her. At first I was upset because not long before I had invited him out one evening with me and some friends, he had come along and we were together for hours just us again but he never mentioned her! At this point I told him was going to leave the job due to how I was being treated, to plant the seed. He talks about her sometimes to others when I'm there but never brings her up to me directly.

@Gonnagetgoing I tend to agree with this. A previous boyfriend said he thought I just considered him to be a friend (until I got fed up and kissed him one day!). My last day is soon - I will consider hinting or saying something to him. Not announcing my undying love!

To some pps, I would never cheat with anyone, so no worries there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucia23 · 04/12/2021 12:15

@isthismylifenow yes though it wasn't a long relationship compared to others I've had. I felt I had to move on and start dating again instead of waiting and hoping around for him.

OP posts:
MancMum2000 · 04/12/2021 12:20

It’s not really curious that he didn’t mention the new gf to the OP if he fancies her. He’s hedging his bets.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 04/12/2021 12:21

@Divebar2021

I wouldn’t have listened to the line manager in the first place. Unless there’s a policy that prevents you having relationships with colleagues you’ve put your happiness on the back burner because of work place gossip.
People did start to gossip when we first started spending more time together just us. But maybe @GreenClock is right because I personally wouldn't let work get in the way of a relationship in the long run.
OP posts:
BleuJay · 04/12/2021 12:23

He’s enjoying your mooning over him and simpering like a teenager. That’s why he didn’t mention the girlfriend.

He sounds a right charmer.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 04/12/2021 12:26

@BleuJay

He’s enjoying your mooning over him and simpering like a teenager. That’s why he didn’t mention the girlfriend.

He sounds a right charmer.

Excuse me @BleuJay - I neither simper nor moon when I'm with him thanks! Very insulting.
OP posts:
peboh · 04/12/2021 12:31

There are three reasons why I'd think he didn't mention the girlfriend;

  1. he doesn't see your friendship the same way you do. You're a work colleague to him, who he gets on with, but doesn't feel the need to share his life story with. Or
  2. he knows you have feelings for him, they aren't reciprocated and he didn't want to hurt your feelings
  3. he knows you have feelings for him, they are reciprocated, but he enjoys the attention you give him.

For gods sake, he's in a relationship. The time to tell him how you feel has past. Don't put yourself into their relationship by bringing up your feelings, that's not fair on any of you, and will just ensure that somebody ends up hurt and I'm sorry op, but I think it would be tou.

peboh · 04/12/2021 12:32
  • you!
Original poster
Lucia23 · 04/12/2021 12:36

@peboh the thing is he does he share his life story with me in other ways. When we are together talking for hours we aren't talking about what we had for lunch! He talks about things that are bothering him in his friend group, family, hopes and dreams for the future. He has talked about all this in depth recently but still not mentioned her.

To be honest I would expected him to bring her up. It was a bit hurtful that he didn't directly all those times we spent together. I haven't made my interest blatantly obvious despite the pps chat about my 'simpering' - it feels like mutual attention being given. Not a one way street, as though im chasing after him.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/12/2021 12:47

I'm sure he enjoys your company, knows you like him, and doesn't object to that. But if there was a Strong mutual attraction he would already have acted on it, and since he is now in a serious relationship you should respect that and step away.

I also find it odd that he has raced into becoming carer for his new girlfriend. Things like that should be carefully considered within a long term relationship, and I think it shows poor judgement on his part.