Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Trying to make friends - did I do it wrong?

59 replies

Amalfa · 02/12/2021 23:46

New neighbours moved into my street earlier this year. Other neighbours are quite elderly but these ones are my age and have kids the same age as mine. So I thought it would be nice to be friends. We met once at another neighbour’s bbq in the summer but since then have only interacted on Facebook.

I play cards with friends on a Thursday, but after Xmas someone is dropping out because her work rota has changed. DH said invite the lady down the street to replace her? So I messaged her to say I play cards with friends once a week, I thought you might like to play with us, are you interested?

She read it two days ago and hasn’t replied. Now I’m wondering if I’ve made a social faux pas or said something wrong? I was expecting either a yes that would be fun or a no thanks. Didn’t expect to be blanked.

Have I been weird by asking? I’m not good at making friends and now I’m wondering if I’ve done it wrong.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 03/12/2021 00:33

No you haven't done anything wrong.
Perfectly feasible she read it when she couldn't answer, or wanted to give it some thought and has now forgotten.

I mean, committing to play cards with a group of people you don't know every week is quite a niche interest I would have thought, but you haven't done anything wrong by asking her.

If you hope to become more friendly though, perhaps some things that are a bit less intense to begin with..... drinks or a BBQ (obv that's probably better when warmer Grin or asking the dc round to play, or seeing if they want to go to the park together (without knowing the age of the kids) or do something else with the kids together. People who don't really know one another are more likely to want to accept an offer to 'go and look at the Christmas display in the garden centre' which they know they are only committing to those couple of hours, than to sign up to something where they have to go every week.

Original poster
Amalfa · 03/12/2021 08:51

I asked because I thought it was something she might enjoy. I thought if she found it too much of a commitment or didn’t fancy cards she would just say no thanks. Actually I thought she might want to be friends and have our kids be friends, and I honestly expected her to jump at the chance when I reached out. I’m puzzled why she’s said nothing. I’m not good at making friends, I suspect I’m autistic. So I’m wondering if I’ve done it wrong and now she thinks I’m weird for asking and any chance to be friends is gone.

OP posts:
groundcontroltomontydon · 03/12/2021 09:05

It's a lovely gesture - maybe she's thinking about it or has parked it meaning to ask next time she sees you or has been distracted by other things and has forgotten. Don't fret Smile

WTF475878237NC · 03/12/2021 09:07

My first thought was she's going to reply at the weekend - she's just been busy this week. You haven't done anything wrong at all!

SleighbellsZ · 03/12/2021 09:08

I read messages and don't reply for days sometimes, I'm one of those annoying people.
Nothing in it just I think to myself I'll reply after tea and forget!
You've done nothing wrong and it's a kind gesture.
Don't over think it Xmas Smile

HailAdrian · 03/12/2021 09:09

She probably doesn't fancy cards specifically and didn't want to be blunt and just say 'no thanks,' so gave herself some time to mentally compose a reply. Then got sidetracked. At least, that would be me if someone asked me if I was interested in joining a card games group. I'd still want to be friends though.

WildStallyn · 03/12/2021 09:09

It's not you, it's her.

We had lovely neighbours with kids similar ages to ours. The kids got on like a house on fire. We adults were very different and would never have been the best of friends but we got on fine and had the odd lunch or drink together, plus we'd ocassionally borrow things from each other, pick something up from the shops or watch each other's DC for an hour. They moved a couple of years ago and we were sad to see them go.

New neighbour moved in, a single mum with a DC the same age as one of ours. We introduced ourselves and I passed my number on saying let me know any time you fancy a coffee or something. I mentioned it again a couple of weeks later. But she's never responded and has even blanked us when we've seen her outside.

The younger me probably would have taken it really personally but not any more. Obviously I'm not going to be everyone's kind of person and if she's decided she doesn't want to be friends that's fine. But I don't understand not even making an effort to have a civil relationship or give the DC the opportunity to get to know one another.

Your message was perfectly reasonable, whatever the reason she hasn't responded, it isn't because you've done something wrong. Don't dwell on it.

Gargellen · 03/12/2021 09:13

If I received a message like that I would assume you meant it for someone else.

She might be ignoring it because you only want her because someone else dropped out.

MrsFoxyplease · 03/12/2021 09:18

I'd not fancy playing cards and would probably feel rude saying no so would delay my reply whilst I thought of something to say.

LucentBlade · 03/12/2021 09:18

I’m friendly with two neighbours they are local, we aren’t and are originally from down South. Their extended families are all local. So though we get on well, one in particular is just my type they have a huge amount of commitments. One has a Mum with Alzheimer’s so cares for her every day now.

She just may not have time, have a lot of commitments or not like cards. I do like cards but both DH and DS don’t.

yourestandingonmyneck · 03/12/2021 09:23

You didn't do anything wrong by asking at all, it was a very welcoming gesture.

She maybe didn't get a chance to reply, or forgot, or is planning to reply later, or maybe she is very shy and doesn't want to commit to cards and doesn't know how to say no.

Just keep being friendly, and next time an opportunity presents itself, suggest doing something wirh the kids - trip to the park etc.

Don't let it knock your confidence, just keep being friendly and approachable.

Best bet for now is a cheery wave etc so she knows that you haven't taken offence to her not replying in the event that she is shy / socially awkward.

Original poster
Amalfa · 03/12/2021 09:26

I didn’t tell her I only wanted her because someone else has dropped out. And while it’s technically true, I wanted to be friends for ages but didn’t really know how, so when a space opened up at cards it was a gift and I thought it could be a chance to make friends without being 1-on-1 (which I struggle with).

I said Hi Name, my cards group has space for a couple more players, we play on a Thursday 7-10 and I thought you might like to join us, are you interested, no hard feelings if not. Polite, brief and to the point. But I often think I’ve been polite when according to other people I’ve been too blunt and rude and said the wrong thing. So was wondering if that’s what I’ve done here without realising? I thought I must have made a wrong move because she didn’t reply at all.

OP posts:
Gearedtoyou · 03/12/2021 09:28

Now, if I got that message, I'd think how wonderful, I'd really like to go, it was nice of them to ask and it would be lovely to get know some people....but I have no idea what playing cards means. Is it a serious poker or bridge game (in which case I'd be well out of my depth!) or a fun game of gin rummy?

I can see myself tying myself in knots over the reply for days.

Original poster
Amalfa · 03/12/2021 09:33

I was specific about what game we play, I just didn’t give the details here. I doubt she’s played before but it’s easy to pick up. If her worry was that she hadn’t played before I thought she’d say that and ask for more info. I would be fine with her saying no, it’s just the lack of reply making me think I’ve done something wrong.

OP posts:
YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 03/12/2021 10:03

I’d wonder if she doesn’t want to (I certainly would not ‘jump at the chance’ to play cards on a weekly basis) but doesn’t know how to say No.

Original poster
Amalfa · 03/12/2021 10:15

I’d have thought it was as simple as saying thanks for asking but I’m busy on Thursdays 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Onehotmess · 03/12/2021 10:22

You are projecting massively! Saying what you would do when everyone is telling you there are 100 reasons why she might not have replied. You just need to let it go x

Lovemylittlebear · 03/12/2021 10:31

Just to add another point of view…she could potentially have just took the message at face value and thought your cards group had space for more players…rather than you were initiating a situation where you could become friends :) either way you haven’t done anything wrong, what you did was nice. She hasn’t done anything wrong - for a number of aforementioned potential reasons she has not replied. If you do not get a reply then maybe try something else. If meeting up 1:1 for coffee is not your preference then choose something else that could work that she might see as an opportunity to become friends. Inviting to do a kids activity is quite a good one and if you pick something you are comfortable with or have to participate in then there is less remit for awkward small talk if that was something you were hoping to avoid (eg pottery painting cafe or if you like physical activities like a trampoline park etc). Just an idea xx

Gearedtoyou · 03/12/2021 10:35

I'd send another message early next week, "just wondering if you'd decided whether youd like to come on Thurs? No problem if not or if you just want to come as a one off. Don't worry if you don't know the game, it's simple to learn and we'll teach you."

Depending on the response I might say if cards isn't your thing, let me know if you ever fancy a coffee.

purplemunkey · 03/12/2021 10:42

It was a bit of a leap from a few interactions on social media to inviting them for a weekly commitment. I’d think it was a bit odd TBH and would feel awkward about how to reply. I’d personally have zero interest in a weekly card game.

I’d have thought the first step would be to invite her round with the kids, let them play/hangout while you have a cup of tea. Then you can see if a) the kids get on and b) if you do.

Wombat69 · 03/12/2021 10:46

There's lots of neighbour threads where people say they don't want to interact with neighbours.

I wouldn't be up for joining a card game, as I struggle with them. Plus she might not have childcare or time.

You're really nice to ask. I've always been friends with friends in groups & I've never been included in any of them.

Original poster
Amalfa · 03/12/2021 10:48

I'd send another message early next week
Is it not weird to pester when I’ve had no response to my initial message?

You are projecting massively!
No I just tend to worry that I’ve done something wrong. I often get told I’ve been rude or blunt or inappropriate even when I’ve spent ages composing what I thought was a polite message. I suspect I have autism or similar. I asked for opinions because I genuinely don’t know if what I’ve done is socially acceptable or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amalfa · 03/12/2021 10:51

It was a bit of a leap from a few interactions on social media to inviting them for a weekly commitment. I’d think it was a bit odd TBH and would feel awkward about how to reply
So it WAS inappropriate to invite her? Now I’m really confused because other posters have said it’s fine and it was nice to invite her. 😩

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 03/12/2021 10:56

It can be socially acceptable and still be unwelcome, they aren't mutually exclusive.

I think the offer was fine OP, but I'd say the person isn't interested. It can be difficult to reject these things much for the same reasons you're tied in knots about how you've asked. Worrying about looking rude or strange or being rejected.

As an aside, a no (or de facto no) to cards isn't the same as a no to anything else another time. I would continue to be friendly when I saw them, pop in a xmas card etc as normal, you never know.

Cornonthecobblers · 03/12/2021 11:12

I’m another who doesn’t always reply straight away to texts, even though I’m trying to change my ways!! It was a lovely text you sent, nothing wrong with it at all so don’t worry there. I suspect she’s either busy or forgotten it.