Trying to make friends - did I do it wrong?

[Amalfa]

New neighbours moved into my street earlier this year. Other neighbours are quite elderly but these ones are my age and have kids the same age as mine. So I thought it would be nice to be friends. We met once at another neighbour’s bbq in the summer but since then have only interacted on Facebook.

I play cards with friends on a Thursday, but after Xmas someone is dropping out because her work rota has changed. DH said invite the lady down the street to replace her? So I messaged her to say I play cards with friends once a week, I thought you might like to play with us, are you interested?

She read it two days ago and hasn’t replied. Now I’m wondering if I’ve made a social faux pas or said something wrong? I was expecting either a yes that would be fun or a no thanks. Didn’t expect to be blanked.

Have I been weird by asking? I’m not good at making friends and now I’m wondering if I’ve done it wrong.

OP, I do think you need to drop this before you risk burning all your (unbuilt) bridges.

If she picks up on any desperation/anger/annoyance she'll run scared.

There are all kinds of reasons why she hasn't responded.

Let her be and keep being friendly. Xxx

@Amalfa

It was a bit of a leap from a few interactions on social media to inviting them for a weekly commitment. I’d think it was a bit odd TBH and would feel awkward about how to reply So it WAS inappropriate to invite her? Now I’m really confused because other posters have said it’s fine and it was nice to invite her. 😩

You did nothing wrong, but yes, it is a bit of a heap from meeting once at a bbq to committing to a regular weekly event with someone you don’t know at all snd (presumably) other people you’ve never even met. I get your own logic for asking, if you struggle with one on one, but I think it’s difficult to bridge the gap between ‘met you at a bbq’ to ‘actual friends’ without some interim individual contact.

I also frequently take time to reply to texts, so don’t write it off. But if you really do struggle with one on one, what do you see a a friendship actually involving.

You sound a bit generic about it, as if any neighbour of the right age with children if the right age would do. Did you like her when you met her at the bbq? Did you talk to her? Why not invite her and her husband around for a drink, with some other neighbours if you liked?

But if you really do struggle with one on one, what do you see a a friendship actually involving
I’ve rarely had any friends in my life. I knew one person from work and she invited me to join the cards group, I didn’t know any of the others when I joined although I do now. I still don’t know a lot about their everyday lives, beyond a brief chat at the beginning we mostly talk about the card game we’re playing. I find that structured interaction is good because I don’t need to think about what to say or whether I’m being appropriate and “doing it right”.

You sound a bit generic about it, as if any neighbour of the right age with children if the right age would do
Truthfully I want to make friends so my toddler can have someone to play with. I don’t want him to be like me, isolated with no friends at all. I find it really difficult that I have to make friends with the parents in order for my toddler to have someone to play with. He has nobody and that’s my fault because I don’t have any friends.

@Amalfa

Firstly, you didn't do anything 'wrong' and seeing your actual message it's totally fine!!

For whatever reason, she hasn't replied, it's NOT because you've done anything inappropriate or 'wrong' 💐

However, it is quite a jump from not being friends (yet) to a weekly commitment (in a small group), and she might still be thinking about it. I used to play cards a lot and pick games up quickly/be good at them, but I have dreadful brain fog now and would be worried I'd embarrass myself in front of people I don't know, so I'd still be arguing with myself about what to say!!

I understand you find it difficult to make friends, especially 1:1, but can you cope if the focus is on an activity for the kids? Depending on their ages/preferences, why don't you see if she wants to take the kids somewhere together (park/soft play/welly walk/Christmas lights). As others have said, a one off couple of hours is less intimidating.

But don't worry, you certainly didn't do anything wrong!

So it WAS inappropriate to invite her? Now I’m really confused because other posters have said it’s fine and it was nice to invite her. 😩

Stop worrying, you’ve done nothing wrong and you will rarely get a unanimous response on something like this. I think she didn’t reply because cards weren’t her thing and she was probably trying to say ‘God no, that sounds awful’ without being rude. Or she might just have poor social skills. Or she might have meant to reply and forgotten about it.

I think that if you message her again, it would come across as a bit needy. I’d go with a big breezy smile and a wave next time you see her. If you get the chance to chat, ask her how she’s settled in and mention having her DC over to play at some point.

And remember that you don’t have to be friends with someone just because your DC are the same age. They might hate each other.

I think it was a nice idea. And fine to suggest it. So many people (including masses on MN!) are not at all sociable and some even think it an act of hostility to make a friendly move. Or others trumpet “no vacancies! I have plenty of real friends, thank you very much.”

I expect the neighbour may be thinking up an excuse as she is not into cards. As others have said, keep on with a friendly wave and maybe a Christmas card with a simple greeting “From the Browns at no. 22 !” But let her make any further move.

From one fellow likely to be autistic to another: there is not a 'right' way to make friends. It's quite usual to think that if you just find the right phrasing or take the right steps, you can make happen what you want to happen. Mimicking social interactions often seems like it's about learning the rules to an unfamiliar game to us. But that's not actually how it works. Your neighbour's motivation for answering or not answering is hers, not something you can change by pressing the 'right' buttons. She might've been busy, forgotten to answer, hate socialising, feel just as anxious about making friends as you, find it really weird you invited her, actually want to be friends but doesn't like playing cards, etc etc. How you approach her is not going to change that.

I think it's also important, though hard, to accept that you are not going to be everybody's cup of tea. You are you are, and if you are autistic some people are going to find you 'weird' or 'too much'. There's no point in trying to completely change or camouflage how you would naturally approach social interactions - keeping up that level of fakeness will make sure no real friendship can develop. And it's a straight road to autistic burnout.

I wouldn't send a follow up message, but I would say an extra friendly hi when running into her. If she scurries away, you'll know she found it too much . However cringing that may be, you didn't do anything wrong, you were just being friendly and that's fine.

And remember that you don’t have to be friends with someone just because your DC are the same age
There were no other kids in the street until this family moved in. My DS has never had any other kids to play with because I have no friends. He’s recently started nursery two days a week and they said he’s been badly affected by it, they can’t tell if he’s autistic or just struggling because he’s never had any social interaction and doesn’t know how. And that’s my fault because I have no friends so I was never able to take him to play with other kids.

It would be good to be able to send my DS out to play with the neighbour’s kids in the street, or even pop round and play in the garden. Otherwise he’ll continue to have nobody to play with outside of nursery/school. I know from personal experience how awful that is and I don’t want that for him. I’ve tried my best to make friends with this neighbour but I’ve obviously done it wrong again.

It might be that she is either busy-my adult DD misses my messages ( a while steam if them some days!) and reads but firgets to reply-she’s like this with everyone 😂 she has young children and is doing coursework. Or she is herself shy and is deliberating over whether to join or not and maybe the partner isn’t keen to babysit-or all sorts of reasons.It could just be she doesn’t know how to say no thank you without causing offence so she’s pretending she didn’t see it at all.

One thing is certain-you definitely did the right thing and worded it perfectly.If it was a Canasta evening I’d be round there like a shot!

If there’s one thing I wish I’d learnt as a young woman, it’s to never assume I have done something wrong because a response is not what a thought it would be. Ask yourself - was I rude? No- of course you weren’t. Did I go on or make it sound like I’m obsessive/insistent? Of course you didn’t. So meh. Let it go. There may be a thousand different reasons why she didn’t reply from her own social lack of confidence to that she just doesn’t want friends. Maybe she’s in a relationship where she’s not allowed to do things by herself and knows that’s wrong but can’t deal with it now. Maybe she’s just really busy or overwhelmed with parenthood.

But you did NOTHING wrong. Stop angsting- and I would strongly recommend you don’t always jump to the conclusion that YOU are wrong - everyone is different. Your intent is kind. You are sensitive and aware - your message shows that.

It’s
Not
You.

Also OP once your son starts school he’ll make friends and have birthday parties etc to go to.

I wanted to be friends for ages

Friendships don’t really work like that though-you can’t pick someone and just because they live locally and have children, decide that they are ‘the one’. Friendships evolve over time and mutual interests, sense of humour, similar amounts of free time at the same times etc

You didn’t really do anything ‘wrong’, but I know I wouldn’t want to play cards for 3 hours every week with a neighbour I’d only met once or twice. I have really close friends I don’t see monthly, let alone weekly. I don’t necessarily get to do ‘something’ in a 3-hour block with my own husband every week!

Committing to that would be something I would only do with someone I really really liked, knew really really well and the activity was something I was absolutely committed to being involved in.

With new people, it’s best to start with one-off things to see how well you get on and see if the friendship develops-like the start of a relationship really! You could have a few ‘dates’ and find you just don’t click.

I can see why she wouldn’t be keen.

Depending on their ages/preferences, why don't you see if she wants to take the kids somewhere together
That terrifies me. I want to be friends but what am I supposed to say to her? It’ll just be weird and awkward if we’re on our own with nobody else to take the heat off. I’ve been successful in sort-of making friends in the structured context of playing a card game. So I thought maybe I could make friends with her that way too, and then my DS would have someone to play with. I’m obviously a fool.

Mimicking social interactions often seems like it's about learning the rules to an unfamiliar game to us
Yes. I asked DH (who is normal) if it was ok to send her an invitation. I got him to read it before I sent it. And it hasn’t worked so I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.

there is not a 'right' way to make friends
There’s clearly a wrong way because that’s obviously what I’ve been doing my entire life. Which suggests there must also be a right way because that’s what other people do. I don’t know, I give up

@AtlasPine
So very true! I wish I had learnt this a long time ago too. So easy to blame ourselves and think we have done something wrong when we don’t / can’t see the bigger picture. Other people’s responses and behaviour is not a reflection of us. Unless of course we are indeed rude and offensive.

Maybe clarify you're not gambling

No one is ‘normal’. There is no ‘normal’. Whatever anyone says you seem determined to focus on an sort of angry ‘I never get it right!’ way of being. You truly need to grow away from this mindset. It’s not serving you well.

But you don't have no friends. You're part of a regular card group.

Also you could make an effort to keep seeing the woman who can no longer play cards and develop that into more than card friends.

It was absolutely fine and nice to ask her. You haven't done anything wrong. She just doesn't fancy it, which is fine or she could be really rude or she could be socially anxious like you. You haven't lost anything by asking

I'd send another message early next week
Is it not weird to pester when I’ve had no response to my initial message?? I really wouldn't send another message. I would leave it. Youvevput theciffer out there. If she was mad keen she'll mention it.
Personally if I had young kids I wouldnt want to commit from 7 o'clock every Thursday. Maybe an hour at 9 once the kids were in bed.
Card games aren't everyone thing, that's for sure. On a weekly basis would be way too much for me tbh.

Friendships evolve over time and mutual interests, sense of humour, similar amounts of free time at the same times etc
I wouldn’t know. Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend 🤷‍♀️

@DottyHarmer

I think it was a nice idea. And fine to suggest it. So many people (including masses on MN!) are not at all sociable and some even think it an act of hostility to make a friendly move. Or others trumpet “no vacancies! I have plenty of real friends, thank you very much.”

I expect the neighbour may be thinking up an excuse as she is not into cards. As others have said, keep on with a friendly wave and maybe a Christmas card with a simple greeting “From the Browns at no. 22 !” But let her make any further move.

Listen to this poster!

You did nothing wrong OP but remember, this is mumsnet where some people get a kick out of telling others how bizarre their (perfectly fine) behaviour is.

I wouldn’t message again but what I would do is give her an extra cheery wave and say hi without mentioning the cards. Let her know subtly that not being able to cope with responding to the card thing is fine. If she is cool after a few friendly waves/hellos then just a smile if you pass each other. Which is fine.

I know it seems pretty obvious but are there any mum meet-up groups on social media which you can join locally?

OP you are being very hard on yourself. Your DS will adjust to nursery in time and when he starts school he will start navigating the social world himself. Any child born in the last couple of years will have had limited social contact, so your DS is not alone.

I'm sorry I haven't read all the posts, but have you tried any more structured activities with your DS? Toddler rhyme time or swimming, or local 'pram' walking groups etc. If you have an activity to focus on you might feel less pressure to make conversation.

You did a kind thing inviting your neighbour to your card game. A weekly commitment might not interest her, or she might not like cards or whatever but don't agonise over it. You've done nothing wrong, nothing to say you can't chat in passing and the opportunity to do something else might present itself.

Sorry OP, didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I don’t think it was ‘wrong’ or ‘unacceptable’, just perhaps a bit much as a first suggestion - unless she specifically mentioned she enjoys playing cards.

If your kids are toddlers, I do think a ‘wondered if you fancied popping round for a cup of tea while the kids play’ might be a better approach. Though don’t be upset if the kids don’t play ‘with’ each other as they tend to just play ‘near’ each other at that age.

I don't think you did anything wrong in inviting her necessarily but tbh I would think it was a bit strange if a neighbour I didn't know very well invited me to a regular card game. If your goal is mainly to get the children together why not suggest the park/softplay/Christmas activity near you

I'll say as well that I have a friend with children the same age as mine - our dd's (different ages) get on well and my ds2 and her ds1 are friendly, however our ds1's, my DD and her Ds 3, my ds 1 and her ds3 cannot be in the same room without arguments, fighting and drama so actually we usually meet up without kids. Same ages is no guarantee they will all Iike each other or be friends.

Sometimes things need to evolve naturally.