Trying to make friends - did I do it wrong?

[Amalfa]

New neighbours moved into my street earlier this year. Other neighbours are quite elderly but these ones are my age and have kids the same age as mine. So I thought it would be nice to be friends. We met once at another neighbour’s bbq in the summer but since then have only interacted on Facebook.

I play cards with friends on a Thursday, but after Xmas someone is dropping out because her work rota has changed. DH said invite the lady down the street to replace her? So I messaged her to say I play cards with friends once a week, I thought you might like to play with us, are you interested?

She read it two days ago and hasn’t replied. Now I’m wondering if I’ve made a social faux pas or said something wrong? I was expecting either a yes that would be fun or a no thanks. Didn’t expect to be blanked.

Have I been weird by asking? I’m not good at making friends and now I’m wondering if I’ve done it wrong.

Oh OP, you sound lovely, but possibly a little bit intense.

It's likely she doesn't want to play cards but isn't sure how to say no without offending you. I'd just leave the cards now and say no more about it. Just continue being lovely & cheery when you do see her, and then send a Christmas card, possibly a little something that you've baked or similar. Just play it cool though and it will all work out.

There’s clearly a wrong way because that’s obviously what I’ve been doing my entire life. Which suggests there must also be a right way because that’s what other people do. That's very black and white reasoning. Making friends is not a code you can crack, it is much more like a form of art: no right or wrong, everybody's likes doing different things and approaches friendships differently. They build up organically and change over time. There are a lot of gradients between 'stranger' and 'best friend'.

As for 'mum friends', I just arrange play time for my children with other kids they seem interested in. I realised at some point that I wasn't actually interested in being friends with some (most) of their mums and that was fine. I just focussed on the children, got them to go to the park, had awkward conversations with parents there, and let the children work it out between themselves.

I often feel the same loneliness you do and don't have any close friends. But I've learned in recent years that I rub along fine with acquaintances and colleagues if I am more 'me', instead of trying to crack codes or follow scripts. I think it's actually the slightly off mimicking that makes neurotypical people wary. Also, I'm just too old to do stuff I don't want to do so that people will like me.

I don't do small talk. I like to be intense quickly and go silent in between meet-ups. I enjoy spending time with people who also feel it's fine to be silent if you have nothing to say but you can still be 'together' just by being in the same room and doing something you both enjoy. I like meeting up for a purpose, for a trip or to do something. I don't like just hanging out for the sake of it, it makes me nervous and I don't spend time in situations that make me feel I have to act or be uncomfortable in any way.

So yes, that rules out many many people as friends. But how can you be friends with someone that you have to hide yourself from?

I mean this with kindness and I’m trying to word it as gently as possible. I really hope I don’t hurt your feelings. This ‘it’s my fault’ and ‘I’ve done it wrong again’ thing is not helping you. It’s not helping you to help your son and it definitely won’t help you to make friends. None of the things you’ve said have been your fault. They’ve not been anyone’s fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. She might not want to be friends with anyone. She might think you’re absolutely lovely but just not have the energy for any more friendships. This isn’t a reflection on you.

Do you actually want friends because you want their friendship? Or do you want friends in order to provide your son with a social circle? Would you want to be friends with this woman if she had no children? Or only had teenagers?

And what if you’d had friends coming out of your ears but none of them had DC the right age? Or their DC didn’t get on with yours?

He may well have been affected by not socialising with other children, but there are babies and toddlers in exactly the same position up and down the country. It’s Covid’s fault. Not their parents fault and not yours. He’ll either adapt and learn to play with other children or he won’t. And if he doesn’t, then the chances are he would have struggled however many children he’d have been around from birth. That’s not your fault either.

Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend 🤷‍♀️

It sounds to me like your colleague who invited you to join the card group was making an attempt to be your friend.

You've had so many great replies on this thread.

I have to agree that

• making friends isn't a 'science' and, no, you can't 'target' someone and decide they are going to be your friend because of circumstances
• you don't need to be close friends with someone, or to socialise with someone for your children to be able to play together
• you didn't do anything 'wrong' . It was nice to invite her BUT as everyone says, playing cards every week is really very 'niche' and probably not for that many people......her not wanting to do that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be friends with you
• there are a dozen or more reasons why she might not have replied, and none of them are to do with you
• she might not particularly be looking for more friends. That is not a reflection on you, that's just where she is in her life.
• LOTS of little ones of Nursery age (and older) have been struggling with friendships this term. We have been in a global pandemic . It is happening in Nurseries and schools throughout the country. If he is going to Nursery he doesn't need more friends outside of that. Even if you and this lady did become friends, it doesn't mean she would want the responsibility of looking after hi at hers whilst he played with her dc, or might not be happy leaving her dc at your and might not have the time to sit at yours whilst they played. You have to separate out the two things.

I think you are being kind :) However, personally I wouldn't join a weekly activity with people I don't yet know, unless it was an activity I was specifically interested in. I would only expect to receive an invite like that if I had mentioned to the person that is I liked card games, or wanted to meet new people.

It may be that she is already too busy or an introvert, and doesn't want to expand her social circle. It may be that she doesn't like cards.

I think it is best to back off now, so she doesn't feel pressured. It might be worth inviting her to drinks or a BBQ or something with the kids, after leaving it for a month or two.

You could see if there are any meetup groups for adults with autism near you? You might find that they have a similar communication style to you, and would be easier to befriend. Or look for local board game or role-play-game groups?

Or find some organised activities for toddlers to take him to? There you will meet other parents, some of whom might also want more playmates for their children

@Sn0tnose

I mean this with kindness and I’m trying to word it as gently as possible. I really hope I don’t hurt your feelings. This ‘it’s my fault’ and ‘I’ve done it wrong again’ thing is not helping you. It’s not helping you to help your son and it definitely won’t help you to make friends. None of the things you’ve said have been your fault. They’ve not been anyone’s fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. She might not want to be friends with anyone. She might think you’re absolutely lovely but just not have the energy for any more friendships. This isn’t a reflection on you.

Do you actually want friends because you want their friendship? Or do you want friends in order to provide your son with a social circle? Would you want to be friends with this woman if she had no children? Or only had teenagers?

And what if you’d had friends coming out of your ears but none of them had DC the right age? Or their DC didn’t get on with yours?

He may well have been affected by not socialising with other children, but there are babies and toddlers in exactly the same position up and down the country. It’s Covid’s fault. Not their parents fault and not yours. He’ll either adapt and learn to play with other children or he won’t. And if he doesn’t, then the chances are he would have struggled however many children he’d have been around from birth. That’s not your fault either.

I think this is a good post, OP, especially the part about whether you even want friends, or whether you simply think of them as a necessary evil in order to give your DS a social life.

It sounds to me as if you don’t. That if someone was able to look into the future and tell your your toddler was going to be fine, and make friends independently though preschool and school, that you’d sigh with relief and possibly not bother.

You sound positively panic-stricken at the idea of one-on-one time with the person you’ve selected as a potential friend, rather than interested in getting to potentially know someone you’ve met and liked. And you’re clearly happy to not know much about the lives of the people you play cards with. If you genuinely want friends, there are skills you can work on, but you do fundamentally have to want to, and be interested in individual people and getting to know them.