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Original poster

Visiting the chapel of rest

58 replies

lliitttlepiinkhouse · 02/12/2021 20:31

I am trying to decide whether or not to visit a relative that passed away a month ago. Unfortunately the circumstances meant that it's taken a month to release them and enable them to be embalmed.

The undertakers have said they are ok to visit but be prepared for them to have changed quite a lot.

Has anyone else got experiences of visiting someone after delayed embalming? How did you find it?

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 02/12/2021 20:38

Personally, I wouldn't.

When my dad died we went to see him and honestly it wasn't nice.

When my dd died we were not allowed to visit her(I was devastated) the funeral director let us come in and sit with her (closed coffin) anytime we wanted up until the funeral.

When my mum died I was with her. I didn't go to the chapel of rest because I preferred to remember her the way she was.

Original poster
lliitttlepiinkhouse · 02/12/2021 20:44

I've been to visit other relatives but when embalming happened very quickly, I feel like I need to go and see them, but I don't know what to expect in comparison to what I've experienced before.

OP posts:
RubyTuesday70 · 02/12/2021 20:46

I wouldn't after that length of time. I've worked in an undertakers and appearances change dramatically in days.

I think it's best to remember someone in your head........ an upsetting viewing can linger with you for a long long time.

Floralnomad · 02/12/2021 20:47

I wouldn’t , I saw my dad in the chapel of rest after a PM and I would never do it again .

merryhouse · 02/12/2021 20:49

Why do you feel the need? Is it about getting closure for yourself, or do you think you owe it to them in some way?

Original poster
lliitttlepiinkhouse · 02/12/2021 20:51

I wasn't able to see them for a lot time during illness due to Covid, isolation, hospital not allowing visitors, and I feel like I need that closure and to see them one last time.

I'm pretty tough and seeing people after they've passed has never affected me in a bad way, I've taken comfort from it and it's never been my first thought about them and the images of what they looked like have faded.

But I've never been after this length of time.

OP posts:
boyboyboydogdog · 02/12/2021 20:52

I went to see my Dad a week after he'd died and he looked strange... made up and just not like him. My sister and I just walked in looked at each other and walked out... saying that, I'm glad I went and rather that than regretting not seeing him.

Jobhunterhelp · 02/12/2021 20:55

I wouldn't from experience. I saw my mum and it was my last image I have now. The only grace is I told my brother not to visit so he wouldn't have that image.

Inthesameboatatmo · 02/12/2021 20:58

I wouldn't after that amount of time ,regardless of how resilient you think you are , it's very different to visiting someone after a short while . The change will be dramatic and could possibly stay with you in a bad way for the rest of your life.

User0ne · 02/12/2021 20:58

I went to see my gran in the chapel of rest. It's still one of the first ages that comes to mind when I think of her 15yrs later - I wish it wasn't and I wouldn't choose to see any one else I cared about like that.

In contrast I saw my mum shortly after she died (maybe an hour) and that was fine

ICanSeeARainbow123 · 02/12/2021 21:00

I really wouldn't advise this OP x

tiktokniknok · 02/12/2021 21:01

I saw my father 36 hours after he passed. My mom was with me and said give him a last hug. She needed that. For me... I did and it's the last memory I have of him. It was so traumatic. Rigor had set in. He was cold and not my 'dad'. The struggle is feeling as though they 'are lonely' or would feel to those that remain that you are not saying goodbye properly and the guilt and sadness and all those things that go with that are what make you feel like you need to say goodbye. That when the coffin goes through the curtains, the final time you are in their presence, if didn't say goodbye in person that that they would know. But those are OUR emotions. And in hindsight I wish my last memory now is of him alive and well and it is not 💐

MrsFoxyplease · 02/12/2021 21:02

I would rather remember them as they were. I don't feel the need to go and view them.
The person and your relationship with them is so much more than going to sit with an empty shell.
One of your first thoughts is going to be apprehension about what they look like and tbh the 'ok' isn't very reassuring.

I'd rather stay home and remember the good times and when my time comes I hope my loved ones do the same.

Stath · 02/12/2021 21:04

It’s such a personal thing.

You can perhaps show your FD some pictures of your loved one and ask if they could definitely say if they think they look ‘too’ different?

The deceased will have been kept in a temperature controlled unit so changes will have been kept to the minimum. The process of embalming can be fantastic but occasionally can make a loved one not ‘look like themselves’.

Like @ParkheadParadise said, there’s always the option to spend time with the coffin being closed?

Would you mind me asking @ParkheadParadise why you were discouraged from seeing your DD in the chapel? Flowers (please feel free to tell me to fuck off if that’s too intrusive Flowers

Ugzbugz · 02/12/2021 21:05

I went to see my friend but was over 3 weeks before I could she was 37 so young and Funeral director did say you need to be prepared but it was a bit of a shock as her eyes had totally sunk and skin colour had changed and obviously she felt frozen but no regrets from me, I had to go and see her and say goodbye in private. I saw both my grandparents after they died but very soon after. Hope it’s okay if you go x

DaisyNGO · 02/12/2021 21:07

@RubyTuesday70

I wouldn't after that length of time. I've worked in an undertakers and appearances change dramatically in days.

I think it's best to remember someone in your head........ an upsetting viewing can linger with you for a long long time.

Sorry OP Flowers

I saw my granpa after two weeks I think

Will it be similar?
I found it okay and was glad I went but my sister found it awful.

Original poster
lliitttlepiinkhouse · 02/12/2021 21:10

Thank you everyone.

I feel more prepared now, though am still feeling i will go I am giving it more thought.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 02/12/2021 21:12

Having worked in a children's hospice and sometimes caring for a child in a similar situation, no I wouldn't for all the reasons stated above.

tintodeverano2 · 02/12/2021 21:13

Seeing my mum after she died is one of the worst things that I've ever experienced. It's my last memory of her and it haunts me.

CurryandSnuggle · 02/12/2021 21:16

I wouldn’t advise it. I ran out crying after seeing my Nan, she didn’t look the same.

BonnyEm · 02/12/2021 21:28

The undertaker said the same thing about my mom, she had to have a postmortem then another report before embalming about 4 weeks. I didn't want to see her. Other relatives saw her and said she didn't look too bad. So I went. She looked fine. I'm glad I saw her.
I have seen many dead people now, she was one of the nicer ones I've seen but they never look the same as they did alive.

Hmumoftw0 · 02/12/2021 21:29

@lliitttlepiinkhouse my nan passed on a Friday and we didn't find her until the Monday. Then she had to go to the hospital to determine the cause of death. They had to close her mouth and sort her out, I could only look at her from the top down but still now two years later it haunts me, I couldn't imagine what she would have looked like after 4 weeks! I wouldn't do it, ask for a closed casket?

Original poster
lliitttlepiinkhouse · 02/12/2021 21:30

@BonnyEm

The undertaker said the same thing about my mom, she had to have a postmortem then another report before embalming about 4 weeks. I didn't want to see her. Other relatives saw her and said she didn't look too bad. So I went. She looked fine. I'm glad I saw her. I have seen many dead people now, she was one of the nicer ones I've seen but they never look the same as they did alive.
Thank you this has made me feel a little more positive. I'm very nervous, but I can't shake this feeling of needing to see them one last time and say goodbye. I think because we were kept apart for so long it still doesn't feel real.
OP posts:
worriedandannoyed · 02/12/2021 21:34

@ParkheadParadise

Personally, I wouldn't.

When my dad died we went to see him and honestly it wasn't nice.

When my dd died we were not allowed to visit her(I was devastated) the funeral director let us come in and sit with her (closed coffin) anytime we wanted up until the funeral.

When my mum died I was with her. I didn't go to the chapel of rest because I preferred to remember her the way she was.

This is so sad to read 🥺 I'm so sorry to hear of all of your losses. How awful 😢
ParkheadParadise · 02/12/2021 21:52

@Stath

Would you mind me asking @ParkheadParadise why you were discouraged from seeing your DD in the chapel? flowers (please feel free to tell me to fuck off if that’s too intrusive flowers

When we were taken to the Mortuary to identify her. Our FLO took DH aside and said only he could go in. I was not happy about it. They made out it was because was 7 months pregnant. They said I would be able to see her at the Funeral Directors.
It took 3 weeks and 2 PM's before she finally got to the Funeral Directors.
By that time I was not in a good place mentally but still wanted to see her. The FD said No. I was absolutely devastated I never got to see her. DH always said she looked peaceful and like herself although he would never talk about it. ( I now know that was a lie to protect me)6 years on I have read the pm results and sat through the court case.
My Beautiful Daughter was brutally murdered.

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