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Original poster

Visiting the chapel of rest

58 replies

lliitttlepiinkhouse · 02/12/2021 20:31

I am trying to decide whether or not to visit a relative that passed away a month ago. Unfortunately the circumstances meant that it's taken a month to release them and enable them to be embalmed.

The undertakers have said they are ok to visit but be prepared for them to have changed quite a lot.

Has anyone else got experiences of visiting someone after delayed embalming? How did you find it?

OP posts:
WotcherH2 · 02/12/2021 22:00

I went to see my cousin after three weeks as I was supporting my uncle at the time. I am not squeamish at all, but I wouldn’t advise it, personally. So sorry to hear of your loss x

Timeforwinterclothes · 02/12/2021 22:11

I'd seen both my parents shortly after they died. They looked horrible. I went to see them after their PMs and they both looked a lot better. My mum looked very cross. My dad's nose looked odd, but his appearance was a hundred times better. My DDs came with me and thought he looked pretty good. I saw my mum 6 days later and my dad 10 days later. I don't think I would have done if it had been much longer. I'm glad I saw them though.

toomuchlaundry · 02/12/2021 22:11

@ParkheadParadise Flowers

dubyalass · 02/12/2021 22:22

I went to see my mum about three weeks after she died, dad and I went together; my sibling didn't want to, which is fair enough. Mum had been very ill for a long time before she died but I had chosen my favourite clothes of hers and I wanted to see her all 'done up' like she would have wanted - she'd been in nighties and dressing gowns for months.

I am still glad I went, it was an odd experience but I would do it again for another relative. It was a chance to say goodbye and helped me, but I totally understand that it's not for everyone.

Notbornwithit · 02/12/2021 22:25

@ParkheadParadise I’m
Sorry too xx

tiktokniknok · 02/12/2021 22:28

@ParkheadParadise I have no words. I'm so sorry 💐

mineofuselessinformation · 02/12/2021 22:36

It's a very personal thing.
I saw my Dad just as he passed away. (Even five years on I don't like to use the phrase 'he died' because it seems so brutal, so a thread on this can jog on if anyone from there is around.)
Having seen him then, I chose not to see him at the chapel of rest. That was enough for me to say goodbye to him.
Whatever you choose, OP, I wish you well. Losing someone you love is a hard thing to go through. Thanks

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/12/2021 23:07

A difficult decision truly OP, to which I'm not sure there can be a right answer as whether it was right for a person presumably only feels clear after it is done.

I'm not sure if I regret having visited. I too felt compelled to have closure and did get it to a degree as i felt satisfied I'd done the 'right' thing at the time- but years on I feel so upset to have seen the person in that way. It mingles very sadly and firmly in my memories and imagery of them and I do wonder if I've caused that for myself for no real reason, I suspect they wouldn't have wanted me seeing them or indeed feeling this way, and nobody made me go.

Condolences to all on this thread who've experienced this pain and loss Flowers

upinaballoon · 02/12/2021 23:26

If you have quite a want to go but you are not sure about seeing the face, would the FD open the coffin but cover the face, so that you could see the hands. The hands are waxy and dead, I know, but they are always the hands which we knew. I had a good experience once when I was the only person who wanted to go and see someone who'd died and I could just sit there on the other side of the room and say a few things out loud, but quietly, and there was no hurry. The FD arranged it like that, wasn't there in person. It was better than seeing someone for just a minute, with other family members there.

lifeturnsonadime · 02/12/2021 23:32

I couldn't bear seeing my dad in the chapel of rest 3 weeks after he'd died and there had been a post mortem.

My mum found it comforting though, to be with my dad, so I think it is a personal thing.

I am worried about when it comes to my mum dying. I can't cope with it but I think she would expect me to be with her.

You have to do what is right for you and know that how you respond is absolutely fine. We are all different.

daisyphase · 03/12/2021 00:06

My lovely mum died nearly 3 months ago. Her husband chose to visit her. He felt it wasn’t her, that her spirit wasn’t there. It didn’t feel comforting for him, like one last chance to see her might have been.

A couple of weeks later he got an unexpected bill through the post - £365 for them preparing her body for the viewing.

nildesparandum · 03/12/2021 00:07

@ParkheadParadise I am so sorry, love to you and your family.

I am a retired nurse and saw loads of people die.Even within a two minutes of death they change as the soul has gone and what you see is an empty shell.
I was with my mother when she died, I stayed with her for about half an hour then left the room and closed the door, knowing I would not see her again.I had a niece who died through suicide. There was a considerable length of time, 5 weeks, before her body was released by the coroner as she had to have two two post mortems. We were advised not to look at her.She was put into a closed coffin, so when we visited her in the chapel of rest we just sat by her coffin for a few moments.
I was with my DH when he died.We left him to let the nurses wash him.I was not going to go back in, bt the priest arrived to bless his body so we came back for that.I was surprised how peaceful he looked.He had been ill for a long time and it had taken its toll on his body when alive.It is not nice to say he looked a lot better after death but he did, lying on his back as if he was asleep.After that I did not want to see him at the undertakers.We took some clothes to dress him in but I let the undertaker do that.

Original poster
lliitttlepiinkhouse · 03/12/2021 02:31

[quote ParkheadParadise]**@Stath

Would you mind me asking @ParkheadParadise why you were discouraged from seeing your DD in the chapel? flowers (please feel free to tell me to fuck off if that’s too intrusive flowers

When we were taken to the Mortuary to identify her. Our FLO took DH aside and said only he could go in. I was not happy about it. They made out it was because was 7 months pregnant. They said I would be able to see her at the Funeral Directors.
It took 3 weeks and 2 PM's before she finally got to the Funeral Directors.
By that time I was not in a good place mentally but still wanted to see her. The FD said No. I was absolutely devastated I never got to see her. DH always said she looked peaceful and like herself although he would never talk about it. ( I now know that was a lie to protect me)6 years on I have read the pm results and sat through the court case.
My Beautiful Daughter was brutally murdered.[/quote]
I'm so so sorry Thanks

OP posts:
MeanderingGently · 03/12/2021 02:53

I have always been to see dead relatives, even close ones like my father and mother. My father looked just like he was, but as though he was asleep. My mother looked nothing like who she was in real life.

I'm always glad (although sad, of course) that I've been, it gives me 'closure' and helps me accept that they've died. I have never been left with images of death because of it, I can still remember them as they were when they were alive. I think in our modern, western society we are very removed from death and dying and I don't think it's healthy, it interferes with our grieving. Death is a natural part of our life cycle, after all.

Dontbeamugallyourlifesucker · 03/12/2021 04:39

@ParkheadParadise so sorry 💐

Ceara · 03/12/2021 05:05

I'm sorry for your loss. I would always take advice from the undertakers, but if it's helpful, we couldn't see DFIL until more than 3 weeks after he died, and he wasn't embalmed as it was a green funeral, but he had been in the hospital morgue most of that time and there were no distressing or traumatic changes - the change was simply that "he" wasn't there any more, which I knew to expect. I found it more upsetting when I saw my grandma in the chapel of rest, just a few days after her death, because they hadn't done her hair right and she'd have hated that. Best wishes for whatever you decide.

Original poster
lliitttlepiinkhouse · 03/12/2021 06:51

@Ceara

I'm sorry for your loss. I would always take advice from the undertakers, but if it's helpful, we couldn't see DFIL until more than 3 weeks after he died, and he wasn't embalmed as it was a green funeral, but he had been in the hospital morgue most of that time and there were no distressing or traumatic changes - the change was simply that "he" wasn't there any more, which I knew to expect. I found it more upsetting when I saw my grandma in the chapel of rest, just a few days after her death, because they hadn't done her hair right and she'd have hated that. Best wishes for whatever you decide.
Thank you that's reassuring
OP posts:
Original poster
lliitttlepiinkhouse · 03/12/2021 07:24

@MeanderingGently

I have always been to see dead relatives, even close ones like my father and mother. My father looked just like he was, but as though he was asleep. My mother looked nothing like who she was in real life.

I'm always glad (although sad, of course) that I've been, it gives me 'closure' and helps me accept that they've died. I have never been left with images of death because of it, I can still remember them as they were when they were alive. I think in our modern, western society we are very removed from death and dying and I don't think it's healthy, it interferes with our grieving. Death is a natural part of our life cycle, after all.

Thank you, I agree we need to be more open to talking about it.

I definitely feel more prepared but still want to go.

OP posts:
Sprostongreen21 · 03/12/2021 07:48

There were delays with my mums death/burial and she had been passed 10 days when my sister went to the chapel of rest. I wouldn’t go. She said she didn’t look the same and I’d have been glad I hadn’t gone.

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 03/12/2021 07:56

It does vary so much. I recently had to take a family member to view someone they were close to but who I knew less well. It was two weeks since the death but the FD was on the verge of recommending closed/covered visiting only. The person I was taking insisted on seeing their loved relative uncovered, then on the day they asked me to go into the chapel of rest with them. Luckily I’m not hugely squeamish about death but I think if I’d been closer to the deceased I could have found it quite distressing. There was a lot of facial discolouration, which the FD had warned us about but which was still something of a shock. Another close member of the family was wondering whether to go or not and decided not to in the end, and I told them privately/tactfully that I thought they’d made the right decision and better to remember their loved one as they were in life.

ParkheadParadise I’m so, so sorry. I hope the court case brought some justice if nothing else.

CornedBeef451 · 03/12/2021 07:59

I went to see my brother after 4 weeks and it was ok but I wouldn't recommend it.

That image was right at the front of my brain for days.

You might not want details but basically he looked very dead and I had a very strong feeling he was just meat now.

On the other hand my dad always goes to see dead relatives and he likes to say goodbye. Watching him say goodbye to my brother was really hard but oddly lovely too.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/12/2021 09:33

I saw my DF right after he died, and that was fine - it was just as if he was asleep.

A Dsis who saw him several days later said she wished she hadn’t - she’d have preferred to remember him as he was. A few days can presumably make a great difference - people do look a lot more ‘dead’.

So no, I wouldn’t go, and I wouldn’t feel I ought to. Do you think the person themselves would mind one way or the other?

Stath · 03/12/2021 09:54

@ParkheadParadise I’m so, so sorry for the fucking horrendous time you’ve had. Much love to you my darling.
If you don’t mind I’m going to light a candle for her tonight Flowers

Zodlebud · 03/12/2021 10:00

You could ask the FD to set up a chair away from the coffin so you can see them but not have to get too close. It is quite comforting to be in a quiet room with them and to say goodbyes but honestly, these last minutes will remain with you forever and I personally like to remember my deceased relatives how I knew them when they were alive.

After such a long time the body will have changed significantly. Their eyes will have become sunken, the muscles in their face start to deteriorate especially around the mouth, and their skin will be discoloured. The FD can use wadding to try and make them look more normal but the face can take on some very strange changes. Quite often they don’t look like they are peacefully asleep. I think the FD trying to put you off should also be a consideration.

So, I would go and see them but don’t get too close. You don’t want to regret not being able to say goodbye

Sausagedogsarethebest · 03/12/2021 10:21

I work in an undertakers. Embalming can make the body look 'more well', especially if the person has died from an extended illness. However, if the deceased has had a post mortem then embalming doesn't always work so well. This is because the embalming fluid has to be fed through the veins and arteries. If the deceased has had a post mortem then the arterial network has been disconnected and so it's a more difficult procedure to perform.

Be prepared for the deceased to look different (quite often darker skin colouring), but take the lead from your undertaker who will be best placed to advise if the body is 'viewable'. A body can look ok one day and not so much the next. If they strongly advise a closed coffin visit then listen to them. They're trying to tell you, as gently as possible, that nature is taking it's course.

Good luck OP, and condolences for your loss.