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Original poster

So f***ING angry at ds , I've gone out o calm down

68 replies

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:03

My ds ,23, has been coasting job wise since he left a really good apprenticeship 3 years ago.
He's been working at a pub, nothing wrong with that of course , but if he wants to move out / buy a house etc then pub work isn't going to give him that.

In the meantime he's been doing a plumbing course, he's in the second year , due to finish June 2022,

ATM there is uncertainty over the course continuing, the college have been , frankly , shocking , in their organisation.

Today it turns out that he hasn't been for two weeks (but pretended he was) as "no one answers my emails ", "it more than likely cancelled"

I'm so cross I just had to leave before I said more than I did.e.g.
"When are you going to stand up for yourself"

He's also given notice on his job last week (with good reason) and had done nothing, that I can see, to find a new one.

I just feel like he's letting life "happen" to him. No one is "coming" to organise his life !!!

I know he's an adult and it's his life to fuck up but he's so passive, if what he wants didn't just "land" in his lap he just won't put the effort in.

Rant over, anyone else out there with similar ??

If he doesn't get a job I'm cutting his internet off 9-5 ,

OP posts:
HerRoyalHappiness · 01/12/2021 17:09

My mums rule for my brothers was that if they weren't working/actively looking for work or in college they weren't living with her, she wasn't going to facilitate them laying around jobless doing nothing. And she meant it.
It may be time to make him realise just how harsh the real world is. Never mind cutting his Internet off, do nothing for him. Make him take care of himself.

handslikecowstits · 01/12/2021 17:13

Similar to HerRoyalHappiness above, I'd be charging him rent and asking if he has no job, how is he going to afford to pay it? It might focus the mind somewhat.

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:14

I have made it very clear that sitting on his arse is not an option, he pays rent , and I will expect that rent to continue , job or not job, he has savings.

OP posts:
LucySullivanIsGettingMarried · 01/12/2021 17:14

Is there a possibility that he has ADHD at all? My daughter was diagnosed with it in her early 20s and before that made bad decisions, couldn't focus, wouldn't hold on to a job etc. She's been on medication for a while now and it's made a world of difference.

Might be something for him to look into?

BornIn78 · 01/12/2021 17:16

Ooooh cutting off his internet 9-5, wow, really pulling out the big guns eh! That’ll show him Hmm

I’m going to guess he is allowed to coast along at home as much as he coasts along in every other area of his life.

So while he’s doing fuck all, not working and skiving off college, at the very minimum give him a list of things he needs to do at home to contribute to the running of the household as well as taking complete care of his own washing, cooking, etc, as I’m presuming he offers no financial contribution. And don’t give him a penny.

RubyFakeLips · 01/12/2021 17:17

I wouldn't be kicking him out but agree, full time education or full time work.

What's his plan for money once the job ends?

He needs to find out what is going on with college before the weekend.

TBH, I don't understand why you didn't push harder and say what you wanted to. Not a particularly cruel comment and sounds like he needs a kick up the arse. Plus he's been lying and that is unacceptable.

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:18

He's planning on moving out next June, and renting b with some friends,
I think he thinks a job /affordable flat will just "appear", I keep telling him m, start looking / organising now , when just to get a "feel" for the availability of rental properties /jobs.

Fir instance he has a new bed , king size but we only have a double mattress.
I've said I'll collect a mattress ( he'd buy secondhand) but he has to organise it , 5 months later, still the same mattress, why isn't he bothered ,

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:20

I've always been very much "your life , live it" but this seems so much like a doormat , just "oh well , I'll just throw away the last 18 months".

OP posts:
Leftbutcameback · 01/12/2021 17:22

Why did he give notice at the pub? That doesn't make any sense. I can understand the course being a pain (although of course he shouldn't have lied). There's a lot of jobs in hospitality so he should either be able to get his job back or another one asap

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:29

There were some issues , I won't go into them here, but it was best he left.

He pays rent , shares the cooking / kitchen with me and his brothers, did his own laundry, help out around the house, collects my prescriptions , gives lifts etc.

But that's not enough if he's not working.

He could easily find a new pub job , so far he's "asked some friends" ffs

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 01/12/2021 17:40

I feel for you. My DS always said he wanted to be a plumber like my DH and work with him. He was lazy at school and we had several meetings with head of year about his lack of enthusiasm, but DS wasn’t bothered with qualifications as he already had work lined up. He didn’t want to do a plumbing course but didn’t want to learn with DH, so fast forward 18 months, lots of arguments, walking off job etc., they came to agreement that he should try something else. He liked working with hands so went into engineering, which fortunately he seems happy with doing this. You are lucky your DS pays rent, I’ve never charged, but he does pay for takeaways and a lot of his food. We have realised now that we can only do so much for him, he’s 25 now and I suggested to him to move out, but no joy, it’s too expensive here to either rent or buy.

JustLikea · 01/12/2021 17:43

Everyone I know myself included left home at 18 and that was that.
We just kind of got on with it no matter what life threw at us. My DM would have been a nagging nightmare on a daily basis if I'd been at home at 23.

That said times have changed and I can see my teens possibly living with me age 23 esp if we have another pandemic for instance.

I would just want an easy life and would let them find their feet without constantly pushing and moaning at them as I know that's counter productive and I like and respect them too much to do that to either of us.

LowlandLucky · 01/12/2021 17:45

My Son was just like yours. It tried everything in the end the only solution was to tell him to leave and it was the best thing i have ever done for him. He now has a great job and is living his life like a man not like the boy he was acting like.

CSJobseeker · 01/12/2021 17:46

I suggested to him to move out, but no joy, it’s too expensive here to either rent or buy.

It's not too expensive to houseshare if you have a job, no matter where you live. And an adult should bloody well have a job.

CSJobseeker · 01/12/2021 17:47

OP - I think you need to tell him what you're thinking. Yes it'll be harsh, but it sounds like he needs it. He needs something to shake him out of his apathy.

Sometimes a shock is what people need.

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:50

In don't constantly pressure or moan , that's partly why I left so I wouldn't lay it on to heavy.

But , I feel like , what have I done wrong in raising him that hes just so bloody passive , at his age I'd done a degree, started a PhD and was married. Now I know that's not for everyone but I DID something, I wouldn't care of he wanted to spend his life volunteering in an orphanage in Tibet and earning nothing, at least he's be "living"

OP posts:
StormBaby · 01/12/2021 17:50

My eldest is exactly the same age and is exactly the same. You have my sympathies. I can’t even speak about how angry and sad it makes me. He’s turned down a few absolutely life changing opportunities;an apprenticeship in a huge sports industry that would’ve seen him travel the world for one, and more recently a secondment in a company he already worked at(he got sacked for his attendance before he’d even started the new seconded apprentice position).
He just cannot be bothered. Well meaning people do the whole “it wouldn’t happen if I was parenting him” and “you should kick him out/take away privileges” but they don’t realise that I’ve done all that years and years ago. Nothing motivates him at all. He’s not materialistic. Doesn’t care what people think of him. Will wear ten year old shoes with holes in rather than work to buy more. He now lives with an equally lazy girlfriend and they’re destined for a life of nothingness. 🤷🏻‍♀️

EmpressCixi · 01/12/2021 17:54

I’d simply say, get back on track with college now and be actively job hunting or he moves out. Give him rest of this week to sort the college course- he can make up work a two week absence is recoverable. And give him a few months to find a new job. In meantime, he can be the stay at home skivvy and take on bulk of household chores.

I would not shut off internet from 9-5 as that is how you find a job these days. Gone are the days of walking around town and filling in paper job applications or handing over a CV.

DaisyNGO · 01/12/2021 17:57

What does he do in the evenings?

Might be wise to cut off internet from 5-9...

Treacletartandcustard · 01/12/2021 17:59

How is making him move out solving this problem?

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:59

@stormbaby
It's just so frustrating, all those chances just wasted. I wonder if your son and my ds think there will be chances like this all thier lives, do when they are "ready" the perfect job will just appear . But someone in tier late 20's early 30s with no "real" experience won't b fair well against all the hunter 20 year olds fresh out of uni.

If I was an employer I'd assume they didn't have a good work ethic and move on to the next candidate.........sigh

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:00

Hungry not hunter

OP posts:
StormBaby · 01/12/2021 18:03

Yep I’ve said exactly that to him @SpinningCat2. His cv must go straight in the bin now. Longest job he’s ever had was this last one, 6 months, before he was sacked. Even the local agencies won’t take him now as he’ll only do a few weeks somewhere before letting them down.

They will be completely unemployable eventually!

TooWicked · 01/12/2021 18:04

Perhaps it’s time to tell him how fucking angry you are, and also that in the real world people don’t get to live all inclusive for the £20 a week or whatever it is you charge him, in the real world people generally don’t quit one job until they’ve got another lined up, in the real world people don’t assume college is cancelled because an email didn’t get answered and behave like a lazy waster lying to the people you live with for 2 weeks.

Was the June moving out date to coincide with finishing college? Well tell him that now he’s sacked off college it’s time to look at moving out.

CSJobseeker · 01/12/2021 18:04

@Treacletartandcustard

How is making him move out solving this problem?
Some people need an incentive to make them want to earn money. Having to fund his housing and food costs would be a strong incentive.

It's isn't reasonable to expect to live at home indefinitely while not contributing financially.