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Original poster

So f***ING angry at ds , I've gone out o calm down

68 replies

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:03

My ds ,23, has been coasting job wise since he left a really good apprenticeship 3 years ago.
He's been working at a pub, nothing wrong with that of course , but if he wants to move out / buy a house etc then pub work isn't going to give him that.

In the meantime he's been doing a plumbing course, he's in the second year , due to finish June 2022,

ATM there is uncertainty over the course continuing, the college have been , frankly , shocking , in their organisation.

Today it turns out that he hasn't been for two weeks (but pretended he was) as "no one answers my emails ", "it more than likely cancelled"

I'm so cross I just had to leave before I said more than I did.e.g.
"When are you going to stand up for yourself"

He's also given notice on his job last week (with good reason) and had done nothing, that I can see, to find a new one.

I just feel like he's letting life "happen" to him. No one is "coming" to organise his life !!!

I know he's an adult and it's his life to fuck up but he's so passive, if what he wants didn't just "land" in his lap he just won't put the effort in.

Rant over, anyone else out there with similar ??

If he doesn't get a job I'm cutting his internet off 9-5 ,

OP posts:

VerveClique · 01/12/2021 18:51

My BIL was still like this at 30. By that stage he'd exhausted all family and friends help, board and introductions (including with us) and went back home to my MIL.

He stayed with us for a while and this is what we saw:

LOTS of drinking. A lot. A box of beers a night no problem
A LOT of smoking. But he thought that was OK, as he'd got off the weed
He'd come to stay with us whilst he supposedly prepared to apply for a job that needed a physical test. Zero training or preparation for that.
LOTS of logging into netflix
LOTS of eating
ZERO contribution financially (we were OK with it, but not even buying milk or bread occasionally takes the piss)
Little to no job searching for that particular job, or any
Due to circumstances he had his own bed and room but by no means perfect (think windowless tiny room)

He was HAPPY with this. He had very little need for comfort or style. To the point that he was also completely avoidant. Whatever confidence or lifeskills he had ever had, he had lost by the time he came to us.

MIL's view was 'oh that's just him. He'll wake up one day'. Meanwhile she was living with her agressive, borderline alcoholic, lazy son.

Give him a deadline. Help him with a plan. And then push him out of the nest. Obviously if specific difficulties arise (MH etc) then change course, but you need a plan for both him and you to move on from this. Make sure he's not too comfortable. And yes, as PP said, if there is no job and no study then he MUST have a whole list of chores to get done, as well as paying board. You're not providing hotel accommodation!

Original poster

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:55

He can use his phone / library for job hunting.

The course may well be cancelled, totally shitty thing for college to do but they are within thier rights, student numbers have fallen to much.

But if he , along with the with the others on his course , fights / goes to the local paper / MP then they would have more of a chance

I've suggested all of this and he's given up after a couple of unanswered emails. Ffs

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 01/12/2021 18:56

I've heard this called "failure to launch", and I'm sure it's frustrating as hell to deal with. I have a 19 yo daughter and a 21 yo son, so I'm concerned about this as well.

AsleepOnTheTrain · 01/12/2021 18:56

@BornIn78

Ooooh cutting off his internet 9-5, wow, really pulling out the big guns eh! That’ll show him

I’m going to guess he is allowed to coast along at home as much as he coasts along in every other area of his life.

So while he’s doing fuck all, not working and skiving off college, at the very minimum give him a list of things he needs to do at home to contribute to the running of the household as well as taking complete care of his own washing, cooking, etc, as I’m presuming he offers no financial contribution. And don’t give him a penny.

@BornIn78 ODSUD! Do you actually have children, let alone ones of 20ish? Get off your high horse and leave the OP alone if you haven't got a solution to her problem 🙄

Original poster

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:57

I'm tempted to show him this thread

OP posts:

CSJobseeker · 01/12/2021 18:59

The course may well be cancelled, totally shitty thing for college to do but they are within thier rights, student numbers have fallen to much.

He should be exploring (a) the possibility of getting the cancelled portion refunded and (b) whether he can transfer any credit for what he has done so far to a new course at a different college. There will be something he could do to help himself if he wanted, but it really needs to be him driving it.

Almostmenopausal · 01/12/2021 19:01

@SpinningCat2

I'm tempted to show him this thread

This is precisely why is do. He needs to see how immature and irresponsible his attitude and behaviour is.

Lasair · 01/12/2021 19:02

I would be cross too.

Original poster

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 19:03

He's gone to college this eve but in only be because I got angry at him, he's more motivated by my father than his own best interests , it's baffling.

At 18 I couldn't wait to leave home , I just don't get it ??

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 19:05

Gag my anger , not my father ,.

He's been dead 25 years so I can't see how he'd influence DS

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 19:07

Unfortunately he can't transfer any credits , well that's what he's told me , I've no idea if that's just what he thinks / has actually found out.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 01/12/2021 19:11

Accepting transfer credits is up to the new college, so if he doesn't know where he wants to go next he won't know if they'll transfer or not.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2021 19:15

He pays rent , and I will expect that rent to continue , job or not job, he has savings

Very wise of you, OP; posters often get slated on here for presuming to expect adult DCs to contribute, and then some wonder why they have no idea of the cost of living

In the meantime I liked the idea of pointing out that he'll need a rental deposit ...

DaisyNGO · 01/12/2021 19:20

@SpinningCat2

Unfortunately he can't transfer any credits , well that's what he's told me , I've no idea if that's just what he thinks / has actually found out.

I know some colleges do that and it needs regulating IMHO

but it is awkward if you only have his word for it.

I am now confused that he's gone to college tonight, is he on more than one course?

I was the same as you OP. It was so exciting to get a job and move out!

Original poster

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 19:53

Ges doing one course, not b sure if it's cancelled or not, and neither does he know !

It's a part 2 / part 3 combined course for plumbing but he only gets the part 3 on completion of both years , he won't "get" a part 2 at all as such. Well that's what he's told me

OP posts:

Lilymossflower · 01/12/2021 20:03

I don't have any advice but as a 23 year old single parent with a 5 year old I can say I have no idea how people my age can still act so immature

expat101 · 01/12/2021 20:32

I'm not in the UK so perhaps my comment below is missing the point.

However, we have a business in the building industry and I'm at a loss as to why he is doing a ''course'' in plumbing but doesn't seem to be associated/working with a plumber for the practical component of the work?

Employment comes from word of mouth and industry connections and I cannot see an employer putting on a ''graduate paper'' tradesman simply because he has sat in college/education facility and not actually been out working alongside a professional.

I would be telling him to get his butt out to plumbing stores and the like with his card (name and telephone number) along with a descriptive letter and ask if he can put it up on a wall/noticeboard somewhere with a view to finding work with a tradesperson.

Then when he gets back home, he hops on the telephone late afternoon and starts making calls to plumbing businesses nearby seeking employment prospects or even offering his services for practical experience. If they don't have anything, they might know someone who does.

Good luck!

DaisyNGO · 01/12/2021 22:19

@SpinningCat2

Ges doing one course, not b sure if it's cancelled or not, and neither does he know !

It's a part 2 / part 3 combined course for plumbing but he only gets the part 3 on completion of both years , he won't "get" a part 2 at all as such. Well that's what he's told me

I think he is talking shit, it must be on if he's stirred his stumps to go.

If he drops out, I'd ask him to get a job and move out. He can get all kinds of work at the mo.

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