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Original poster

So f***ING angry at ds , I've gone out o calm down

68 replies

SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 17:03

My ds ,23, has been coasting job wise since he left a really good apprenticeship 3 years ago.
He's been working at a pub, nothing wrong with that of course , but if he wants to move out / buy a house etc then pub work isn't going to give him that.

In the meantime he's been doing a plumbing course, he's in the second year , due to finish June 2022,

ATM there is uncertainty over the course continuing, the college have been , frankly , shocking , in their organisation.

Today it turns out that he hasn't been for two weeks (but pretended he was) as "no one answers my emails ", "it more than likely cancelled"

I'm so cross I just had to leave before I said more than I did.e.g.
"When are you going to stand up for yourself"

He's also given notice on his job last week (with good reason) and had done nothing, that I can see, to find a new one.

I just feel like he's letting life "happen" to him. No one is "coming" to organise his life !!!

I know he's an adult and it's his life to fuck up but he's so passive, if what he wants didn't just "land" in his lap he just won't put the effort in.

Rant over, anyone else out there with similar ??

If he doesn't get a job I'm cutting his internet off 9-5 ,

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/12/2021 18:06

You seem to be taking care of a lot of the details of his life, or volunteering to do so. (Example, the mattress).

I would look into depression or ADD before throwing him out. Sometimes depression creeps up on a young adult and everyone around them thinks their unfocused approach to life is just the sort of person they are - lazy, unmotivated, job-hoppers, no vision of their future selves.

Dozer · 01/12/2021 18:07

So if he quits now he gets nothing from his plumbing studies? Who was paying? Hope not you!

Are you charging him enough rent for him to feel some pressure to earn money?

DaisyNGO · 01/12/2021 18:09

If the course has been cancelled, what happens next? He should really continue, great trade to be in. Another college might take him for the next section?

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:11

He does pay rent , £200 pm,

I offered with the mattress as I have a van and anything on free cycle etc would need to be collected.

I did think about depression but last year he needed to organise things for a trip with friends and he managed it all with out any input from me ,

So if he really wants it be can do it ??

Just this latest is just so much "giving up" he's giving up the course because it most probably will be cancelled , which is just madness.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:13

The course is a two year course, so he'd have to be start again at SunTrust college for another 2 years (part-time)

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:14

GAH not SunTrust..... another

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 01/12/2021 18:15

He does pay rent, £200 pm

Does that cover food as well as board?

unlikelytobe · 01/12/2021 18:17

And the more students on the plumbing course don't attend the more likely it will be cancelled due to 'lack of interest'! He needs to attend and campaign for it to continue but obviously he is apathetic. Disheartening for you but does anything motivate him?

RedDeadRoach · 01/12/2021 18:18

He does pay rent , £200 pm,

Hmmm i wonder why he has no interest in moving out when he's getting away with paying you such a tiny amount.

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:22

"Hmmm i wonder why he has no interest in moving out when he's getting away with paying you such a tiny amount."

It's 25% of his wages so some months more , but else where on MN is be called heartless for charging anything so I'm not going to argue.

OP posts:
Meowenstein · 01/12/2021 18:22

He really has to finish his course. At least then he’d have an education on paper.
How will he look for a job if you cut off his internet 9-5 though.

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:23

@unlikleytobe. Exactly !!!

OP posts:
TooWicked · 01/12/2021 18:24

How will he look for a job if you cut off his internet 9-5 though

With all the data on his mobile contract, computers access at the library, Internet cafes…

Glassofshloer · 01/12/2021 18:25

200pm is a doss. He would never get that anywhere else. He’s taking the piss, he’s been out of school over 5 years!! Just give him a date - say in 3 months time - and say you want his room out then & he has to be gone. You’re not actually helping him by letting him live at home.

Shannonz · 01/12/2021 18:27

@BornIn78

Ooooh cutting off his internet 9-5, wow, really pulling out the big guns eh! That’ll show him Hmm

I’m going to guess he is allowed to coast along at home as much as he coasts along in every other area of his life.

So while he’s doing fuck all, not working and skiving off college, at the very minimum give him a list of things he needs to do at home to contribute to the running of the household as well as taking complete care of his own washing, cooking, etc, as I’m presuming he offers no financial contribution. And don’t give him a penny.

You should really think about how you word things. You come across as very rude.
Motnight · 01/12/2021 18:29

If your ds is planning to move out he will either need a large deposit or you as a guarantor or both. This might be the impetus that your ds needs.

My dd also aged 23 recently had to pay a deposit of £2000 for a flat share costing around £550 a month. It was either that or me acting as guarantor. Her age and lack of renting history (apart from university) meant that a lot of landlords wouldn't even look at her. She paid for the deposit from her savings.

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:31

@shazons. Yep it was rude , I declined a reply , to many assumptions to give it head space .

OP posts:
speakout · 01/12/2021 18:32

Have you spoken to him about his feelings, emotions?
Being able to organse the odd trip may not be an indication that things are OK.
I have a 24 yo in a similar- worse - situation.

Dozer · 01/12/2021 18:36

Who paid for his course?

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:37

He paid

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 01/12/2021 18:38

Why did you hold your tongue?! I’d have spat those words straight out- he’s not a child any more & needs to take responsibility for his life and his choices. To be honest your punishment of cutting the internet off is something I’d do for a 12 year old who won’t do their homework or go to bed. At 23 he should have some sort of plan in place; even if it’s a short sighted one for the next 6 or 12 months. Sounds like he doesn’t realise that this is what’s required at his age. You need a firm chat about what he is going to do and how he’s going to do it. By all means he needs your support as he’s not independent but you do need to push him towards indépendance. Xo

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 01/12/2021 18:47

Do or him cutting off the internet would be as huge deal,

He has gone to college this eve, so we shall see what happens when he gets back,

He is just so short sighted, the "moving out with friends" is , to him, set in stone, but , as we all know, life here in the way.

He and a friend (f) are planning to relocate About 3 hrs from Ds's home town , more from his friends town,.

It's to as really big city where some other friends ,a couple, are at uni (ofs)

So it all fine unless ,

A) F gets a girlfriend and decides not be to go / something else happens
b)Ofs don't continue with the uni course / change uni / split up
C) he can't find work / rental in big city , its a big uni town so would, I imagine, be more expensive / harder to find places for rent.

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 01/12/2021 18:48

@SpinningCat2

"Hmmm i wonder why he has no interest in moving out when he's getting away with paying you such a tiny amount."

It's 25% of his wages so some months more , but else where on MN is be called heartless for charging anything so I'm not going to argue.

I do think 25% of his wages is fairly low for rent.

If you look at what an independent adult earning an average wage has left after paying rent/mortgage council tax, food, utilities, it's a lot less than 75% of their wage.

Think of it this way - how many independent adults have £600 as spare money for having fun with each month? And if they do, it's usually because they are working hard and earning plenty.

Many young people are self motivated to get out and do well for themselves. But for those that aren't, they need an incentive. If his life is pretty easy at the moment, he doesn't have that incentive.

AmyDudley · 01/12/2021 18:49

He really needs to sort out his college, - crazy to throw away a qualification when he is only six months from finishing. He needs to phone and push until he gets whatever info he needs so he can go back to his classes. Or go into the college and ask to speak to someone. Emailing is no use.
The fact is if he can complete this course he can get started on a good career as a plumber and be earning good money and have the kind of independence he wants. Does he have plans for what he want to do (eg start working for a company/ start his own plumbing business)

It sounds a bit like he is for want of a better term a 'giver upper' what was his other apprenticeship for that he gave up, is he actually enjoying the plumbing course or did he prefer the other apprenticeship.
Does he actually know what he wants to do in life or is he just trying stuff out and then abandoning it, Hard to know if he just can't find his path or he is just lazy and unmotivated. Is he a person who is never really satisfied with anything and always has to keep changing to something different? (I have a relative like this who has a long trail of incompleted courses behind her).
Could your son benefit from some careers advice?

I think you can only tell him he needs to get another part time job as you will be charging rent. And he needs to sort out his college course.
Not sure banning the internet will do a lot of good, presumably he will need to use internet for job hunting?

CSJobseeker · 01/12/2021 18:50

its a big uni town so would, I imagine, be more expensive / harder to find places for rent
Big uni towns might be pricier, but there is normally plenty of rental available.

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