At wits’ end with DS and tidying!

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Help me please before I go completely bonkers. I have a 10yo DS who is bright, cheerful, and gets excellent reports from school about his “can-do” attitude and willingness to try hard at everything. So far, so good.

However his bedroom is often an absolute pigsty and he gets very upset when asked to tidy it. He would rather - I’m not exaggerating here - spend 4 hours telling me it can’t be tidied, it’s impossible, it would take days, it’s hopeless, he doesn’t know where to begin etc than just get on and do 10 minutes of tidying.

He has missed a trip out before because he didn’t do the requested 10-minutes of tidying before leaving, and he still didn’t learn. He ended up sitting on the bedroom floor in tears, still not tidying. Whole afternoons have been passed in this fashion. He has been shown how to tidy, and if I go in to help he will reluctantly make a half hearted effort for a few minutes, but only if I’m there constantly encouraging and directing. I have also tried bribery with extra pocket money but it didn’t help - he just sat there saying miserably “I can’t do it, I’m not going to be able to have the money”.

It’s driving me absolutely berserk. His sister is younger and a much more difficult character in general, but the complete opposite in this - she will get on and tidy her toys away quickly and efficiently when asked (ok, when made to). She will even come and help him, but again he will sit there saying “I just don’t see how it can be done” while she tidies round him.

Any suggestions for tackling this greatly appreciated! I just can’t understand how he’s so motivated to try things in general (and a lovely, easygoing lad), and yet so hopelessly defeatist on this.

No advice but you've just perfectly described my daughter so I'm following with interest. I don't know what to do with her.

Why does he need to tidy it? I know that's a bit of an annoying response but so long as there aren't dirty plates/cups, I'd just let it go. I used to have so many arguments with my mum about tidying my room. It never made my any tidier (I'm 38 and still very messy) and just resulted in a lot of shouting and sulking.

@mynameiscalypso

Why does he need to tidy it? I know that's a bit of an annoying response but so long as there aren't dirty plates/cups, I'd just let it go. I used to have so many arguments with my mum about tidying my room. It never made my any tidier (I'm 38 and still very messy) and just resulted in a lot of shouting and sulking.

Because I can’t walk across it to find out if there are cups etc! The floor is a minefield of Lego (ow!) and precious items that I don’t want to stand on.

Was there nothing your mum could have done to help you tidy? TBH it’s not just the room I’m concerned about, it’s the whole psychology of someone who would rather spend hours stressed about a small task than just knuckle down and do it.

We'll, he's telling you it's overwhelming him so try to understand that. He's asking for help.
Have you tried telling him what to tidy and where to tidy it to?
E.g. Pick all your books up and put them on the bookshelf.
Does he have enough space for everything in his room? If not, you will need to help him find a space; even box some up and rotate themes.

@bonkersbirdie

No advice but you've just perfectly described my daughter so I'm following with interest. I don't know what to do with her.

At least I’m not the only one then!

@SnowSurprise

We'll, he's telling you it's overwhelming him so try to understand that. He's asking for help. Have you tried telling him what to tidy and where to tidy it to? E.g. Pick all your books up and put them on the bookshelf. Does he have enough space for everything in his room? If not, you will need to help him find a space; even box some up and rotate themes.

This is helpful - thank you. I think space is an issue. It’s a smallish room and he has lots of things, including lots of “collections” that he likes to get out and then not put away. The idea of boxing some up is food for thought.

He has definitely been told, and shown, how to do It (many times). But yes, he clearly feels overwhelmed and I don’t know how to help with that.

Can you focus on one thing at a time e.g. pick up the Lego and put it in this box? Sounds like it’s overwhelming him and he doesn’t know where to start.

Have you tried breaking down all the steps for him with instructions and maybe even pictures?

My 12yo has ADHD and for a long time would say “I don’t know what to do!” When asked to tidy his room. I realised “tidy your room” was just too vague a request so I made out a step by step list for him to follow and now he happily cleans his room without being asked!

This is his list

Take dishes downstairs
Empty bin
Put dirty washing in the wash basket
Bring washing basket downstairs
Dust shelves, desk and windowsill
Put books and toys on shelves
Hoover
Mop

Break it down for him. Make it a routine rather than a weekly chore.
So on Monday ask him to pick all the Lego up.
On Tuesday, to make sure all the worn clothes are in the wash.
On Wednesday, to make sure all the books are on the shelf.

Over a couple of weeks, not only will everything have been done at least once, but he'll start putting books back more often, so there isn't a 'book pick up day'.

It sounds like he is completely overwhelmed at the task. Does he have sufficient storage? Is it labelled? If it is you need to write down a plan for him to follow and tick off when it is done. For the first few times you most likely need to be in there prompting and encouraging. Then once the plan is established and proven to work you set him off on task one and then nip into another room asking him to shout you when he's done task one. If he doesn't shout you go back and get him back on task and repeat. Breaking down the task and reinforcing positively will help and with time and practice he will be able to do this.

Im another that just couldn't tidy, and I'd argue the toss for hours. I don't think anything would have persuaded me tbh, but in hindsight it would have been good to avoid the arguments. I still hate all forms of tidying and do the bare minimum, but I do keep things very clean! Just I have to move piles of stuff around every now and then...

Could you ease off on the need for tidying but agree some ground rules eg no food or drink in room, OR one cup and 1 plate that must be put in dishwasher by X O'clock? Or you don't need to make the bed, but you do need air it, ait the room and change it on day Y?

This was me when I was younger…and it still describes me now.

I just couldn’t see a starting point and felt so overwhelmed by the mess that I shut down.

I now have a technique. I divide the room up into sections and just focus on one section at a time. Where did I learn this? When getting help for the inattentive ADHD I was eventually diagnosed with.

Not saying your son has inattentive-type ADHD (although it totally slipped my parents as I was bright, cooperative at school and got good reports), but it does sound like it could be a bit of an executive function blip.

It does sound overwhelming for him and recognise a lot if myself in him .

How about:
Round 1 - Put away anything that is a book
Round 2 - Put any dirty laundry in the hamper.
Round 3 - Put clean clothes in the drawer
Round 4 - Pick up anything that is lego
Round 5 - If it doesn't belong in your room put it in the room where it normally lives.
Until it's all where it should be...

You'll know if it's one Round a week or if he can manage 4 over a weekend. I'm naturally a messy bugger so I understand the feeling of It's all hopeless!!

My son is messy like yours and it’s infuriating. He does however do a pretty good job of tidying up when asked though so I do feel your pain. What I did after lots of nagging was out a massive bucket outside his room and anything that was left out I put in the bucket. If the bucket wasn’t emptied in 24 hrs I get to keep his stuff for a few days. I’ve never had to keep his things and he tidies it away without being asked now. Saves a lot of nagging

YY to the posters who say tackle one thing at a time. I think this is key. He will do it - sort of! - if I stand there and direct in this manner.

But even within that, saying “put all the Lego in the boxes” or “put all the books on the shelves” would get “I can’t, it’s too much, it’s not possible”. So I’d have to start with “pick up all the blue pieces and put them in the blue box” or “pick up all the fact books and put them on this shelf here” etc. And it would still take him what seems like forever.

I guess I was just hoping that by 10 I could give a more general instruction and he’d be self-sufficient enough to get on with it.

I would help him to clear out as much as possible and make sure he has enough easy to use storage.

The help him tidy it up properly. So it's really tidy.

Then he tidies up every night before bed. Be there with him, directing but not doing. Slowly, reduce the amount of direction you're giving. Find an excuse to pop out for a minute or two. Hand over responsiblity to him slowly.

You could also try a 'only one thing out at a time rule' if the problem is that he empties everything out everyday.

Ooh lots of cross posts with great advice! Thank you - lots to think about

It’s only easy to tidy if there’s somewhere for things to go, so for example stacking boxes or drawers for the lego.

Have a simple rule of ‘one thing out, one thing away’.
He HAS to get into reasonably good habits to lay a foundation for adulthood, they don’t just miraculously become tidy as an adult 😀

If things are bad, tackle one aspect at a time - “Today we’re going to today your clothes”. Next day “Today we’re going to tidy your toys”. etc.

I stress again, there HAS to be somewhere for it to go. My DS had a small cupboard for books and gams plus a couple of stacking boxes for loose stuff, a washing bag for dirty clothes, a small bin and that was it.

He has definitely been told, and shown, how to do It (many times). But yes, he clearly feels overwhelmed and I don’t know how to help with that.
Patience. Endless patience. Mine has LD so can't even say he gets any food reports from school! Can you come up with a (visual) list or routine. Clothing. Books. Etc.

We split things into categories. So if Lego is out, everything else is away. His marble run on the top of the wardrobe. Gravitrax in a box on the top of the bookshelf. Playmobil in a drawer under the bed. There's space on his bookshelf for some of his Lego so when the Gravitrax is out the Lego is on the shelf and in boxes stacked next to the bookshelf etc.
jigsaw puzzles we've limited to a large puzzle folder which lives in the living room and the DC take it in turns to choose a puzzle. Board games have a shelf each and then we rotate from the attic when they get bored of what's out.

I had a messy bedroom and never changed. I think part of the problem has always been "too much stuff". And always finding something better to do.

As an adult it helps if I set a 20 minute timer, tidy then and only then, tell myself i have to stop once 20 mins is up - makes it less overwhelming

@Firstbornunicorn

This was me when I was younger…and it still describes me now.

I just couldn’t see a starting point and felt so overwhelmed by the mess that I shut down.

I now have a technique. I divide the room up into sections and just focus on one section at a time. Where did I learn this? When getting help for the inattentive ADHD I was eventually diagnosed with.

Not saying your son has inattentive-type ADHD (although it totally slipped my parents as I was bright, cooperative at school and got good reports), but it does sound like it could be a bit of an executive function blip.

This is interesting! How did you find out you had inattentive ADHD? DS is also completely incapable of staying seated for more than a few minutes (God know how he manages at school!) so this might fit with that….?

Oh wow your post has arrived at the most perfect time for me OP.
Just put my ten year old daughter to bed - her room is an absolute mess - this morning said she was tidying it and would finish it later.
Came straight in from school and watched TV.....l didn't realise it was still not done. So l just swept everything into a box and told her if it isn't sorted tomorrow l will be dealing with it myself and she won't have any say in what stays and what goes.
Sounds harsh bit am fucking sick of it....especially cos she asked for her pocket money early this month and the condition was if she kept her room tidy so l know she can do it.
Same - bright child, always get good reports from school and always happy to do homework etc.

@LindaLooky

I had a messy bedroom and never changed. I think part of the problem has always been "too much stuff". And always finding something better to do.

As an adult it helps if I set a 20 minute timer, tidy then and only then, tell myself i have to stop once 20 mins is up - makes it less overwhelming

This doesn’t work at all! He spends the whole 20 minutes upset, not tidying. And the next 20 minutes, and the next, and so on…

I shall put my hard hat on for this, I'm not judging anyone but I've never allowed my kids rooms to get to this point because i would struggle to leave it be . From a young age I always tidied the room up and they helped me so it never got to this point . Honestly I would go in there and just tidy it up myself and clean so it's done . Once it's done and all sorted go from there so at the end of the day he spends time with you putting things away til he gets used to it .

My DS (now grown up) used to find tidying difficult - he has dyslexia. Part of his problem was becoming distracted by EVERY item he picked up and having to have a good look at it and forgetting the task at hand.
I used to break it right down for him - so I'd say 'books on the shelf, five minutes' then I;d leave for five minutes then go back and set a new small task 'pens and pencils in your box, ten minutes' or whatever. I had to keep going back and encouraging. After say four tasks we'd have a tea break then get back to it. And same process again. He could see the task getting less overwhelming as he did each little bit and setting a time when he knew I;d be back to check progress helped to concentrate his mind (not that he can tell the time even now, but he had a rough idea and knew I'd soon be back).

Its really just break it down, then break it down some more. So action men in the box can be broken into action man's clothes in the box, action man's shit weapons in the box.

I would call up several times a day for dirty dishes/ dirty washing. And try to keep it a pretty regular thing so it didn't get to a major bomb site.

Also plenty of plastic boxes to store things in. And a general rule of only one major 'project' such a mega lego creation at any one time.

But mainly keep checking keep encouraging, offer refreshments, praise highly for every task achieved.