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Original poster

Man with a very close female friendship

56 replies

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 08:32

I've been friends (acquaintances) with this man for a long time, mostly see him as part of a group, but recently we've moved closer into the friends bracket because of a shared hobby and have spent a bit of time 121. I've started to learn something of his life.

He has a female "friend". They're very very close. I suspect they were once lovers. She's very beautiful, very good company, but they both insist they are just friends. There are some sensible practical reasons they shouldn't be "together" but you would never know it when you see them together. He, particularly, doesn't see anyone else in the room when she is there. They're very touchy with each other too.

It's actually fascinating to watch.

Anyway he's recently split with a GF. He "tried really hard to be there for her, but she struggles with her MH and couldn't deal with my relationship with X"

I bet she couldn't. I think any woman would struggle with that. I think he probably believes the just friends thing and that GF should have been fine with it, some of her behaviour does seem extreme, but I'd guess that even if her MH was already fragile there was an element of gaslighting that contributed.

So the reason for my post. As he's talking to me about this stuff, would it be unreasonable of me to tell him that if he wants to be happy with someone else he needs to distance himself from X? That actually his behaviour to ex GF was quite cruel.

He's basically a nice guy, I think, but in this messed up situation. I have no stake in this, he's someone I like to spend the occasional afternoon with but I have no interest in anything else and knowing what I know wouldn't touch him with a bargepole anyway.

OP posts:
KingJeremyTheWickedd · 28/11/2021 08:38

I think it depends on how well he would receive it OP. As you have this shared hobby it could make it awkward for you if he doesn’t take it well.
I suspect he knows that his relationship with X is bordering on inappropriate but he doesn’t want to distance himself

Original poster
IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 08:42

No, he won't like it. But he is almost asking me for advice.

OP posts:
EuromamaAussiekids · 28/11/2021 09:00

I think yes that is reasonable to tell him. Deep down I'm sure he knows that himself.

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BleuJay · 28/11/2021 09:03

I’d tell him that some women are jealous and resentful and their bitterness towards attractive women means they wouldn’t be able to cope with the lovely friendship he has and that if any woman tries to make him distance himself from his lovely friend they aren’t worth his time and efforts.

Original poster
IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:04

@BleuJay

I’d tell him that some women are jealous and resentful and their bitterness towards attractive women means they wouldn’t be able to cope with the lovely friendship he has and that if any woman tries to make him distance himself from his lovely friend they aren’t worth his time and efforts.
A lovely friend who we will literally ignore the rest of a group for all evening and feels the need to constantly touch?
OP posts:
Original poster
IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:04

He, obvs, not we.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/11/2021 09:07

Don't tell him he needs to cool it with her, just tell him that no other woman will be willing to play second fiddle long term knowing that his friend is his priority.

Original poster
IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:10

@girlmom21

Don't tell him he needs to cool it with her, just tell him that no other woman will be willing to play second fiddle long term knowing that his friend is his priority.
Yes, that what I mean really. Same thing worded slightly more tactfully.
OP posts:
Fatherfintanstack · 28/11/2021 09:10

It sounds like you're on the money in terms of how his behaviour affected his last relationship. It isn't usual for friends to constantly touch each other when in relationships.

However, if he can't see this then I'm not sure whether your advice will be taken well. Do you think he is pining for/ in love with his woman friend? Perhaps you could do a bit more asking around his feelings here before you offer advice as I suspect he may go straight into denial mode with you as with his ex.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 28/11/2021 09:12

I think you're right to be honest with him. He's actually already in a relationship with this "friend" and it sounds like the only thing missing is sex.

MultiStorey · 28/11/2021 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ESGdance · 28/11/2021 09:17

If this “friendship” was cooled would you be interested in him?

FindingMeno · 28/11/2021 09:22

I'm generally not at all bothered by this sort of thing, but as a pp says, he is pretty much in a relationship with her but without the sex.
I wonder if she dates others?

saraclara · 28/11/2021 09:23

Can you say straight out "do you realise that when we're all together you focus entirely on (friend) and ignore the rest of us? If we notice that and find it a bit annoying, then no girlfriend is going to accept it, especially when you and friend are robbing each other all the time"

saraclara · 28/11/2021 09:24

Robbing?! Touching!

Original poster
IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:24

@FindingMeno

I'm generally not at all bothered by this sort of thing, but as a pp says, he is pretty much in a relationship with her but without the sex. I wonder if she dates others?
Yes she does see others. She's recently split with a very long term partner because he didn't want kids. My friend has 3 adult DC and doesn't want more. I'm sure they would be together otherwise.
OP posts:
Coldenoughforyou · 28/11/2021 09:25

I wouldn’t bother saying anything. He knows exactly what the problem is as he told you himself.

Original poster
IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:26

@ESGdance

If this “friendship” was cooled would you be interested in him?
I dont think so, but even if I was there so way I'd go there currently.

He's talking to me about why his relationships don't work out and the reason is obvious to me..

OP posts:
Flamingolingo · 28/11/2021 09:29

I would tell him. But then I am known for being direct. He probably knows, but if he wants to build a sexual relationship with another woman (because he’s already in a platonic relationship) he’s going to have to think very carefully about how he prioritises.

Thinking back to uni, there were a couple of guys I had quite close platonic friendships with, but those relationships waned as we started to settle down with life partners. Sounds like he’s unable to do that, and that’s his issue. Perhaps he is in love with her and she doesn’t reciprocate?

FizzyOrange · 28/11/2021 09:29

I would tell him that he needs to think about what he really wants. If he wants a gf then many won't be happy he has a close female friend, as he is already in a relationship with the 'friend' apart from sex. As Princess Diana said, 'there were 3 people in this relationship' and most women with any experience aren't going to sign up for that.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 28/11/2021 09:30

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I think you're right to be honest with him. He's actually already in a relationship with this "friend" and it sounds like the only thing missing is sex.
My best friend was a man, we were really close and his girlfriend hated me. With good reason, when they split we got together, and it's the best relationship I've ever had, our friendship is no different but now we have a physical side too.
FindingMeno · 28/11/2021 09:30

@IncrediblyPowerful that's interesting then.
The men she sees can cope with their dynamic.
Perhaps he should talk with her on how she navigates that.
Or maybe they're not touchy feely in the presence of her man friends - in which case, is she sabotaging him, or asserting some sort of "ownership"?

Original poster
IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:34

@Flamingolingo

I would tell him. But then I am known for being direct. He probably knows, but if he wants to build a sexual relationship with another woman (because he’s already in a platonic relationship) he’s going to have to think very carefully about how he prioritises.

Thinking back to uni, there were a couple of guys I had quite close platonic friendships with, but those relationships waned as we started to settle down with life partners. Sounds like he’s unable to do that, and that’s his issue. Perhaps he is in love with her and she doesn’t reciprocate?

It's definitely more from him than from her, possibly because her desire for children is stronger than his acceptance that they can't be together. She, I think enjoys his attentions, but she will, for example, drop out of group plans to see someone else whereas he would move heaven an earth to be at an event if she will be there.

She's very nice. I don't dislike her at all, I can see very much why he is attracted to her (and vice versa) I just don't think this arrangement is helpful of healthy for either of them or others they may be involved with.

I don't usually have an issue with opposite sex friends at all. There's me and him for a start!

OP posts:
TarasCrazyTiara · 28/11/2021 09:41

I don’t understand the problem. He has an attractive female friend? Can’t attractive women ever just hang out with a man without insecure bitches getting catty and trying to drag them down?

I really feel especially for younger pretty women who go through all this bullshit with their friends boyfriends in school and as a young adult. It sucks always being judged to be some tart. Sad

ESGdance · 28/11/2021 09:41

Is there a significant age gap between them?

Why did the RS with the mother of his DCs break down? What’s his RS history?

Are you envious of their “friendship” compared to your friendship - or just uncomfortable in their presence - it must be similarly tedious to watch and endure their interactions.

Does she flirt with him or is it just him mooning over her?