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Original poster

Man with a very close female friendship

56 replies

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 08:32

I've been friends (acquaintances) with this man for a long time, mostly see him as part of a group, but recently we've moved closer into the friends bracket because of a shared hobby and have spent a bit of time 121. I've started to learn something of his life.

He has a female "friend". They're very very close. I suspect they were once lovers. She's very beautiful, very good company, but they both insist they are just friends. There are some sensible practical reasons they shouldn't be "together" but you would never know it when you see them together. He, particularly, doesn't see anyone else in the room when she is there. They're very touchy with each other too.

It's actually fascinating to watch.

Anyway he's recently split with a GF. He "tried really hard to be there for her, but she struggles with her MH and couldn't deal with my relationship with X"

I bet she couldn't. I think any woman would struggle with that. I think he probably believes the just friends thing and that GF should have been fine with it, some of her behaviour does seem extreme, but I'd guess that even if her MH was already fragile there was an element of gaslighting that contributed.

So the reason for my post. As he's talking to me about this stuff, would it be unreasonable of me to tell him that if he wants to be happy with someone else he needs to distance himself from X? That actually his behaviour to ex GF was quite cruel.

He's basically a nice guy, I think, but in this messed up situation. I have no stake in this, he's someone I like to spend the occasional afternoon with but I have no interest in anything else and knowing what I know wouldn't touch him with a bargepole anyway.

OP posts:

Dozer · 28/11/2021 09:43

I’d stay out of it, since he’s not a close friend and you don’t really know what went on. Eg you could close down conversations about the end of his relationship.

That said, it’s irritating if he’s telling you/friends that the relationship ended because of his ex’s mental health and that she “couldn't deal with my relationship with X". putting blame on his ex, when it does sound like a key issue was HIS behaviour with and about X.

So, might encourage him to reflect on his behaviour and point out than many people wouldn’t like it or indeed enter into or stay in a relationship with someone behaving like he has done.

If X wants DC she’s sensible to avoid a relationship with a man with adult DC who doesn’t want any more.

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:46

@TarasCrazyTiara

I don’t understand the problem. He has an attractive female friend? Can’t attractive women ever just hang out with a man without insecure bitches getting catty and trying to drag them down?

I really feel especially for younger pretty women who go through all this bullshit with their friends boyfriends in school and as a young adult. It sucks always being judged to be some tart.

You'd be OK with your partner giving all his attention to another woman on a night out and touching her constantly?

I wouldn't expect anyone to take issue with the level of friendship he and I have, for example, but this is much more than that.

OP posts:

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 09:48

@ESGdance

Is there a significant age gap between them?

Why did the RS with the mother of his DCs break down? What’s his RS history?

Are you envious of their “friendship” compared to your friendship - or just uncomfortable in their presence - it must be similarly tedious to watch and endure their interactions.

Does she flirt with him or is it just him mooning over her?

Yes, there's a big age difference.

He's been divorced for years, married very young, a girl from school.

I'm not envious no, it just interests me. Especially in the context of him telling me he doesn't understand why his relationships don't stick.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

ThePlantsitter · 28/11/2021 09:58

Next time he brings it up I'd say, 'do you really not know why your relationships don't stick?' and then yes I'd tell him. Of course he knows, all this fake wide eyed lack of understanding is just another way of indulging in the drama of a 'love that can never be'. Obviously I wouldn't say exactly that if I wanted to keep the friendship

ESGdance · 28/11/2021 10:00

The big read flag as PP said is broadcasting x GF “MH issues” - many nasty misogynistic men paint the x as a mad psycho bitch.

I would drop him as a friend - he is also emotionally grooming you in someway - playing with intimacy power -

TarasCrazyTiara · 28/11/2021 10:00

To be honest despite you saying your not jealous your interest in it comes off that way. Saying “I wouldn’t expect anyone to take issue with the level of friendship he and I have” makes it seem like your comparing your friendship to hers and yours is somehow winning.

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 10:03

@TarasCrazyTiara

That's absolute nonsense. I was responding to a PP saying the problem is with women who can't accept this kind of friendship. I see him for an occasional afternoon out and agree that shouldn't cause an issue in a relationship, but I'm not surprised that this friendship with X does.

OP posts:

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 10:06

@ESGdance

The big read flag as PP said is broadcasting x GF “MH issues” - many nasty misogynistic men paint the x as a mad psycho bitch.

I would drop him as a friend - he is also emotionally grooming you in someway - playing with intimacy power -

Yes, this has crossed my mind too. That's part of why I want to tell him because I think he's being unfair to exGF. I did meet her a few times and she did have a history of poor MH (which she told me about). However, it worsened during their relationship and I'm not surprised that it would.

OP posts:

MilkTooth · 28/11/2021 10:10

I think you should let him work out his own relationship problems. And I agree with pps that you do sound as if you’re watching him awfully closely if you’re in group situations monitoring his level of attention to his friend, and speculating about whether they had a sexual relationship in the past.

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 10:13

@MilkTooth

It would be hard not to notice and I'm only speculating because he's asked. Plus I am definitely a people watcher and interested in the dynamics of relationships. This is one of the more interesting ones I've come across recently.

OP posts:

FoxgloveSummers · 28/11/2021 10:14

If he kept banging on about this to me I’d try to answer like a male mate would answer him. “come on Geoff, as if any woman is going to want to go near you when everyone knows you’d much rather be with Lily”. Then don’t get further drawn in, I don’t know why he’s trying to get you involved in his drama but honestly I’d swear off it and him for life except in a very arm’s length way.

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 10:15

@FoxgloveSummers

Yes, that's the kind of conversation I'm imagining

OP posts:

zoomies2021 · 28/11/2021 10:16

I was in a relationship where this was a problem for me - I am not a jealous person at all but eventually it became clear that the friendship was the primary relationship and the guy was very cagey about letting me into his life. Plans were made with his friend, couldn't make plans with me, they texted each other good morning etc. It wasn't right for me and I moved on. He got in touch with me afterwards to say he had been thinking and he recognised that he had been in the wrong and he hadn't made space for me or ever prioritised me. I didn't go back. In a way, the sex of the friend was irrelevant - I just had different needs from a relationship.

I believe the guy in your scenario does know on some level but chooses not to acknowledge the problem. He has no time pressure on meeting anyone and so what does he lose in this scenario? Not saying he thinks like that but it is the truth for him. You can mention it to him if it is appropriate in terms of the friendship but none of your business technically. It will come to a head somehow someday

Dozer · 28/11/2021 10:18

As regards you, would run a mile from any kind of romantic relationship with him! He’s treated his most recent ex badly, is badmouthing her, and (at best) shows poor self awareness as regards his relationship with X.

And as PPs say, he’s seeking to draw you into his drama, which is also crap. Avoid!

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 10:21

@Dozer

And as PPs say, he’s seeking to draw you into his drama, which is also crap. Avoid!

Yes I have no intentions there, for all your reasons and others

TBF I dont think he's bad mouthing her. Not intentionally anyway. "It's more poor exGF really struggles with her MH, I feel bad, I really tried to help, but I couldn't take it anymore." He'd get calls from the police to pick her up when she was drunk by the motorway in the middle of the night, for example.

OP posts:

Dozer · 28/11/2021 10:22

That IS badmouthing.

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 10:25

@Dozer

That IS badmouthing.

Is it? Or is it talking over your problems with a friend.?

OP posts:

BubbleCoffee · 28/11/2021 10:26

'Would you like to be in a relationship with a woman who had friendship like that with a man?'

I agree this is what to say. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. It's not relevant what his close female friend looks like. If you're in a serious relationship you prioritise your partner.

BubbleCoffee · 28/11/2021 10:27

I agree it's badmouthing. It's gossip disguised as concern.

Original poster

IncrediblyPowerful · 28/11/2021 10:33

@BubbleCoffee

I agree it's badmouthing. It's gossip disguised as concern.

He was actually quite upset when they split. He felt he'd failed (possibly he had) by not supporting her better with her MH and he had thought they'd be together long term. She called it off. Surely it would be normal to talk that out?

OP posts:

HaroldSteptoesHorse · 28/11/2021 10:34

He’s an adult and can make his own decisions. Would you want to separate him from a close male friend?

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2021 10:35

Don't tell him he needs to cool it with her, just tell him that no other woman will be willing to play second fiddle long term knowing that his friend is his priority.
This is much more tactful than I would be! ‘The truth is no self respecting woman wants to play 3rd wheel and the way you act with x leaves any girlfriend on the outer. The age gap doesn’t help. So you can either date someone who doesn’t realise for a while then either ends it or tries to fix it and one of you ends it - that’s probably your ex btw, if they would actually choose put up with it they must either have no self esteem or not care that much about you, neither sound like a win. I know you don’t see it but it’s bloody obvious to everyone else.

yourestandingonmyneck · 28/11/2021 10:35

@IncrediblyPowerful

No, he won't like it. But he is almost asking me for advice.

If he's asking I would tell him. Just say it matter of fact. As you say, you have no stake in it and aren't hassling him to cool it with her. But he's asking, and you're telling him how it comes across.

What are the practical reasons for them not being together? Is she single?

Dozer · 28/11/2021 10:38

Of course he was upset, that’s normal.

Odd and IMO immature (at best) that he chose to: ‘talk it out’ with a new female friend (you); disclose his take on sensitive information about his ex’s mental health (it’s one thing HER sharing this information with you, quite another him doing so); and to attribute the break up to that and his ex’s concerns about his behaviour with X.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/11/2021 10:49

Id have dropped him as a friend the moment he started the "my ex has mental health issues" crap.

Seem to be a lot of men out there who've missed their psychotherapist calling, gauging by how seamlessly they are able to diagnose a woman as mentally unstable/crazy ex the moment she calls them out on their bullshit🙄

I guess you fancy him thats why you care. He sounds a bad bargain to me. Leave him to his 'attractive friend' let him bend her ear, why make your ear available for him?

He's a grown man who knows what he's doing, he doesn't need your input as to how he conducts his relationships. Probably setting you up to be a woman who moons over him then he'll be talking about you to his friend. Why even bother going there

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