My Narcissistic birth person flung me out at 15. Ask me anything

[StarryNightSparkles]

Apologies if this is the wrong section to post in. As per the title my birth person kicked me out when I was 15 in the 1990s please feel free to ask me anything you like.

No question to add really, just wanted to say that your story is inspirational. Your strength and drive to have a good life is wonderful.
I'm about to go out on my first placement as a first year student nurse - any advice!? 😂

StarryNighSparkles My fiance also had a birth giver who put any bloke who looked at her before her kids. 4 kids all no contact with each other or almost no contact. He tried with her as an adult but she would do awful things. Once he arrived at her house and she had shredded all the cards he had given her for years and sprinkled them in the hallway in front of the front door. He had said something he did not like and she made it clear this was his punishment. He didn't think a man in his forties need to be punished by his 'mother'. She would also make nasty comments about the mental health issues he got from her parenting. He had to block her as when he told her he wanted no contact she was very abusive.

@Helpstopthepain

I’m really sorry that you went through that. No child should ever be treated like that.

If you could go back in time as an adult What would your advice be to your 15 year old self?

Thank you 💐

If I could go back to 15 year old me. I would hold her tight and give her the hugs she so desperately needed. I would tell her to go nc rather than letting things drag on for years. I would tell her to hold on and believe in herself.

Same happened here but at 16. I ended up in a council homeless hostel

*“The other family members were all batshit crazy. I went nc with them years ago, they didn't do anything at all to help me in any way. I have siblings were are all nc with each other and some of them are nc with her.

So many lifes impacted by one woman.”*

I am not surprised at the level of dysfunction and conflicts. Seems like intergenerational trauma and enmeshment where the childhoods are never protected, cherished or prioritised over adult dysfunction. Hurt people can hurt people and everyone where everyone is raw it’s very easy to trigger each other. You have done brilliantly to separate yourself off out of punching distance so that you had a chance to heal.

Where can you trace the dysfunction back to in the narc birth person - her parents? Was there substance abuse alongside the MH / PD abuse?

I am sorry that your childhood was so relentlessly emotionally derelict, deficient, neglectful abusive and traumatic. It’s astounding that you have found some level of solace and recovery. What does your emotional future look like?

@Pyewackect

What is a birth person ?

Don't be obtuse, you know very well.

@RAOK

I’m so sorry there was no one there to help you when you needed it most - family members or professionals. I’m appalled that your school, charities and other authorities did nothing at all to help a homeless 15 year old child. You must’ve felt so frightened and alone. I don’t have a question that hasn’t already been answered but you (and the others on this thread who have been in a similar situation) sound remarkable.

Thank you 💐

Yeah I was so scared and alone. I was completely alone in the world with no one or nothing. I couldn't imagine not ever helping anyone let alone a child.

If I could go back to 15 year old me. I would hold her tight and give her the hugs she so desperately needed. I would tell her to go nc rather than letting things drag on for years. I would tell her to hold on and believe in herself

I hope that you have found that hug and self belief. You should be proud of surviving this awful tragedy.

My own therapist (had a difficult childhood, along the lines of you, OP but not as extreme by the sounds of it, which left me with complex PTSD) explained to me that moving on from trauma is like travelling through a conch shell- at first, you return to the same point in the “spiral” a lot, frequently, and it’s a narrow, uncomfortable and painful journey. Then you move on, and you find you come the “spiral” gets bigger- you come across reminders less, you’re triggered less often, you have more space. You’re more comfortable. You see light. If you keep going, one day, hopefully, you pop out of the bottom of the shell, free.

I hope you’re way along your own “conch shell” journey. I hope one day, you realise you can look behind you, and see your conch shell there, discarded and no longer holding you.

I think you sound like an amazing, strong woman. I wish you peace.

@OrlandointheWilderness

No question to add really, just wanted to say that your story is inspirational. Your strength and drive to have a good life is wonderful. I'm about to go out on my first placement as a first year student nurse - any advice!? 😂

Thank you for your kind words 💐

Aww that's fantastic congratulations you will love it. Take each day as it comes, ask questions and most importantly put the patient first.

Same happened to me back in 1989...
although she'd just had enough of me as a teen, I wasn't even that bad. Mum had finally stopped drinking and I think she couldn't handle it
Any way went to live with my boyfriend awful 😢
Then moved into a charity hostel type thing and was given a council flat at 19 years old.
No idea how I survived but I did! Now have teens of my own and couldn't imagine doing that to them.

I did pretty well out of life.. but that survived instinct kicked in and I made it through

@Thehouseofmarvels

StarryNighSparkles My fiance also had a birth giver who put any bloke who looked at her before her kids. 4 kids all no contact with each other or almost no contact. He tried with her as an adult but she would do awful things. Once he arrived at her house and she had shredded all the cards he had given her for years and sprinkled them in the hallway in front of the front door. He had said something he did not like and she made it clear this was his punishment. He didn't think a man in his forties need to be punished by his 'mother'. She would also make nasty comments about the mental health issues he got from her parenting. He had to block her as when he told her he wanted no contact she was very abusive.

That sounds horrific. I am so sorry for your fiancee, I hope he is doing well 💐

@Almostmenopausal

Same happened here but at 16. I ended up in a council homeless hostel

I hope you are ok.

@ESGdance

*“The other family members were all batshit crazy. I went nc with them years ago, they didn't do anything at all to help me in any way. I have siblings were are all nc with each other and some of them are nc with her.

So many lifes impacted by one woman.”*

I am not surprised at the level of dysfunction and conflicts. Seems like intergenerational trauma and enmeshment where the childhoods are never protected, cherished or prioritised over adult dysfunction. Hurt people can hurt people and everyone where everyone is raw it’s very easy to trigger each other. You have done brilliantly to separate yourself off out of punching distance so that you had a chance to heal.

Where can you trace the dysfunction back to in the narc birth person - her parents? Was there substance abuse alongside the MH / PD abuse?

I am sorry that your childhood was so relentlessly emotionally derelict, deficient, neglectful abusive and traumatic. It’s astounding that you have found some level of solace and recovery. What does your emotional future look like?

Definitely her mother was narc and so was her mother it goes back generations.

In regards to my emotional future. I am scared at times that the deep depression comes back. I really hope it doesn't. I try to prioritize my mental health and we talk openly about our feelings in my family. One day at a time as I still have insomnia and anxiety.

@Helpstopthepain

If I could go back to 15 year old me. I would hold her tight and give her the hugs she so desperately needed. I would tell her to go nc rather than letting things drag on for years. I would tell her to hold on and believe in herself

I hope that you have found that hug and self belief. You should be proud of surviving this awful tragedy.

Thank you 💐

@VaguelyInteresting

My own therapist (had a difficult childhood, along the lines of you, OP but not as extreme by the sounds of it, which left me with complex PTSD) explained to me that moving on from trauma is like travelling through a conch shell- at first, you return to the same point in the “spiral” a lot, frequently, and it’s a narrow, uncomfortable and painful journey. Then you move on, and you find you come the “spiral” gets bigger- you come across reminders less, you’re triggered less often, you have more space. You’re more comfortable. You see light. If you keep going, one day, hopefully, you pop out of the bottom of the shell, free.

I hope you’re way along your own “conch shell” journey. I hope one day, you realise you can look behind you, and see your conch shell there, discarded and no longer holding you.

I think you sound like an amazing, strong woman. I wish you peace.

I love that, thanks for sharing. I will keep this with me 💐

I hope you are doing well. I also have PTSD as the birth of my second child wasn't handled well by the NHS due to staff shortages I gave birth alone with no pain medication.

@ponkydonkey

Same happened to me back in 1989... although she'd just had enough of me as a teen, I wasn't even that bad. Mum had finally stopped drinking and I think she couldn't handle it Any way went to live with my boyfriend awful 😢 Then moved into a charity hostel type thing and was given a council flat at 19 years old. No idea how I survived but I did! Now have teens of my own and couldn't imagine doing that to them.

I did pretty well out of life.. but that survived instinct kicked in and I made it through

Sorry you went through this 💐 you sound like a positive and strong person. Well done on all your achievements.

You sound incredibly brave. Thank you for sharing your story. I work in education and it is good to be reminded that the students we see every day are not always coming from a place of love. Sending you every good wish for your future.

@Bumblebeefriend

You sound incredibly brave. Thank you for sharing your story. I work in education and it is good to be reminded that the students we see every day are not always coming from a place of love. Sending you every good wish for your future.

Thank you 💐