No sex because of contraception issues

[JunoMcDuff]

I can't use contraception with estrogen in due to migraines with aura. The mini pill causes virtually constant bleeding (2-3 bleed free days per month) and decimates my libido. Due to issues with mini pill I'm really really reluctant to try the mirena coil. I have a copper allergy.

So we're left with condoms. Which we both find total mood killers and faffy. I hate the feel of them and the smell (on DHs fingers) I have a really sensitive sense of smell.

So we just aren't having sex. We start, we get in the mood, we go to get the condoms and the mood just goes. It is so frustrating.

Argh. Not sure what I'm asking really. We've had sex twice since August. Both times using pull out method after I've ovulated but it's obviously not without risk.

Have you thought about the implant? Might be worth a try as it’s easily removed if it isn’t working for you

@yikesanotherbooboo

OP I think you still have options, the most obvious of which is the Mirena. Yes some people get irregular persistent bleeding but not anywhere near the number who do with the pop.Did you try different pills? Go back to your FP doctor or nurse and talk things through. Mad that you were considering sterilisation when your DH wouldn't have a vasectomy but a mirena could easily be the simplest effective option all round.

I wanted sterilisation during my c section, so no separate operation.

Yes, I've tried multiple pills, including norithesterone.

Why should she undergo surgery under general anaesthetic when her partner can
have a one-hour lunch break vasectomy?

Because she cant force him to have surgery and she is clearly at the point where she has tried everything else.

She doesnt want any more kids. Seems a logical option.

I see since that the OP has requested and been denied one, so clearly it's also an acceptable route for her.

Why did they decline it OP?

@justasking111

Had the cap because I had documented fertility issues was fine with that. As for smell nose plugs or a bit of cotton wool in nostrils

Or why not vicks under your nose like they do on telly at a murder?

OP you say you were declined for sterilisation - would you actually have gone ahead if you hadn't been? Its a far more invasive operation and one that carries far more risk than a vasectomy, so all things being equal if you would genuinely have gone ahead, and DH wont/wouldn't, then yes he is being selfish tbh.

@JunoMcDuff That's because the NHS pushes the coil and implants onto women, because a lot of doctors are still sexist. However the risk from perforation of coil or something else going wrong is much higher than 1%. The risk of you getting an ectopic pregnancy is higher than 1% (believe it or not). The risk from you going under general anaesthetic is a bit higher than 1%. The risk of your DH being mowed down on a public road is also actually higher than the risk of anything going wrong with a vasectomy. He is extremely selfish, not weighing the risk vs benefits vs risk of anything and everything else that could happen to you or him. I urge you to attempt to really push the vasectomy issue with a GP who will perform it. It is the most safest and most reliable form of contraception and you and him are being silly and misinformed. He would be out if he wouldn't do this one thing for me after all the risks us women take. It's his turn now, and you are enabling him to dodge responsibility.

He is not selfish for choosing his body autonomy. Posters saying they'd push a partner into a vasectomy are very selfish. Everyone has the right to decide what they want to do to their body. A 1% chance of pain may seem like nothing, until you're in that 1%. They've been advised by doctors the best way to proceed, I don't think that's ill informed at all.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

*Why should she undergo surgery under general anaesthetic when her partner can have a one-hour lunch break vasectomy?*

Because she cant force him to have surgery and she is clearly at the point where she has tried everything else.

She doesnt want any more kids. Seems a logical option.

I see since that the OP has requested and been denied one, so clearly it's also an acceptable route for her.

Why did they decline it OP?

The most logical option apart from him manning up and taking responsibility would be no sex, or her leaving him. He's hardly with staying with if he was happy for her to undergo a big operation (even if during C-section) and wanting her to pump herself full of pills that have a higher risk of DVT than AstraZeneca. I would push the vasectomy issue with my GP - even suggest my marriage is at stake if DH doesn't get it, especially since OP has tried everything, as the GP suggested, so time she went back and said I have tried, now my marriage is at stake at I want DP to have the vasectomy. And I absolutely leave him if he wouldn't have the vasectomy. It would be vasectomy or nothing, for me, and it would be a deal breaker, I would leave him. Every single thing the OP has done (going through childbirth, muscles cut for c-section that has the risk of permanently paralysing muscles) has a much greater risk for lasting pain than a vasectomy does. OP has put her health and actually her life at risk and on the line numerous times, yet he can't even step up to the plate just once. Sorry OP but you're a doormat and no way would I put up with the misinformation and excuses if I were you. It's his turn now, and vasectomy is the safest possible operation, even safer than a gallbladder removal. There is absolutely no excuse.

@anon12345678901

He is not selfish for choosing his body autonomy. Posters saying they'd push a partner into a vasectomy are very selfish. Everyone has the right to decide what they want to do to their body. A 1% chance of pain may seem like nothing, until you're in that 1%. They've been advised by doctors the best way to proceed, I don't think that's ill informed at all.

He absolutely is selfish. No doubt about that. The sexist GP has advised the OP undergo risk that is greater than the risk of a vasectomy. That doesn't make sense and OP needs to seek another opinion from a GP that doesn't push for women to insert the coil up them when a permanent and safer solution is available. It is ill-advised and he is being very selfish.

It baffles me when all these faffy methods of contraception are suggested for the woman to try when they've finished their family when a man can get permanent contraception sorted in 20 mins.

I think you're ill-informed OP. DH had a vasectomy a few months ago, on the NHS. His GP is not a sexist pig never once suggested to him that I put myself through further procedures/medications and thoroughly recommended a scalpel-free vasectomy. He was offered an appointment for 2 months later. It was very straightforward and he was totally pain-free within days.

It's obviously a man's choice what he does with his body. But I would think very little of a man who would be happy for me to put myself through decades of contraception, with all the side effects and complications they can bring, not forgetting pregnancy and child-birth and then, when he's given the chance to shoulder the responsibility himself, decides it's not for him.

The fact that the copper IUD is out ( OP allergic to copper) and Mirena coil is out (hormones OP doesn't cope well with) is all the more reason to go back to the GP and insist on vasectomy. The coils are not options for the OP, neither is hormones.

That leaves either condoms or vasectomy.

[quote TheGirlCat]**@JunoMcDuff* That's because the NHS pushes* the coil and implants onto women, because a lot of doctors are still sexist. However the risk from perforation of coil or something else going wrong is much higher than 1%. The risk of you getting an ectopic pregnancy is higher than 1% (believe it or not). The risk from you going under general anaesthetic is a bit higher than 1%. The risk of your DH being mowed down on a public road is also actually higher than the risk of anything going wrong with a vasectomy. He is extremely selfish, not weighing the risk vs benefits vs risk of anything and everything else that could happen to you or him. I urge you to attempt to really push the vasectomy issue with a GP who will perform it. It is the most safest and most reliable form of contraception and you and him are being silly and misinformed. He would be out if he wouldn't do this one thing for me after all the risks us women take. It's his turn now, and you are enabling him to dodge responsibility.[/quote]
Which is why DH is NOT pushing me to get a coil I don't want. Because we respect each others bodily autonomy.

Have you tried non latex condoms? Skyn is the brand that comes to mind. They might smell less or just different to the latex ones. Or try ones with different lube if that’s the smell that bothers you.

@cowbag1

It baffles me when all these faffy methods of contraception are suggested for the woman to try when they've finished their family when a man can get permanent contraception sorted in 20 mins.

I think you're ill-informed OP. DH had a vasectomy a few months ago, on the NHS. His GP is not a sexist pig never once suggested to him that I put myself through further procedures/medications and thoroughly recommended a scalpel-free vasectomy. He was offered an appointment for 2 months later. It was very straightforward and he was totally pain-free within days.

It's obviously a man's choice what he does with his body. But I would think very little of a man who would be happy for me to put myself through decades of contraception, with all the side effects and complications they can bring, not forgetting pregnancy and child-birth and then, when he's given the chance to shoulder the responsibility himself, decides it's not for him.

Exactly! But I fear the OP is easily impressionable and a bit of a doormat so she won't pay attention.

OP, respecting bodily autonomy is one thing. Him not wanting to step up to the plate and take his share of the weight is another and I could never look at him the same way if he would not have the safest tiny 20 minute snip going.

Also you need new GPs. Look at the risks with the Mirena coil that your GPs are pushing. Far greater risk of cysts and things going wrong with a snip. The information is out there. You're foolish if you don't seek to urge the GP to go with vasectomy. If you get pregnant from condom use, the risk to your health in pregnancy and childbirth is far, far greater than the risk of a vasectomy. Yes, he has bodily autonomy, but he should want to do this for you after you've gone through for him and beared his children. If it were me and he couldn't do this one little thing for me, forget sex, I would never look at him the same way. Our marriage would be over.

Sorry, forgot the link that went with the last paragraph. www.womenshealthmag.com/health/g19674342/mirena-side-effects/

This is what the sexist GPs want women to go through, look at the risks. Then tell me you still value the misogynist GP's opinions about a safe 20 minute snip in the GP's office the doesn't involve hormones or sharp objects inserted in you;

Perforation
Expulsion
Ovarian cysts
Unexpected pregnancy, including ectopic pregnancy
Spontaneous abortion or loss of pregnancy and preterm labor
Breast cancer
Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) or other severe pelvic infections, including sepsis
Intracranial hypertension or pseudotumor cerebri (unexplained pressure inside the head that can lead to vision loss)
www.drugwatch.com/mirena/

TheGirlCat please go away. Neither the coil nor a vesectomy are options being discussed here so your information is unnecessary.

Implant? The mini pill made my periods go wild but the implant has worked for me and it's fairly simple to remove.

www.self.com/story/vasectomy-safe-effective-contraceptive-men-not-using-it

www.austinvasectomycenter.com/vasectomies-versus-other-birth-control/

thedoctorweighsin.com/why-vasectomy-better-choice/

www.vasectomy.com/article/vasectomy/alternatives/vasectomy-versus-other-types-of-contraception

@JunoMcDuff

TheGirlCat please go away. Neither the coil nor a vesectomy are options being discussed here so your information is unnecessary.

The point is vasectomy should be an option but clearly you've been gaslit and choose to believe it.

And the information is important to other women reading so they know the risks.

@cowbag1

It baffles me when all these faffy methods of contraception are suggested for the woman to try when they've finished their family when a man can get permanent contraception sorted in 20 mins.

I think you're ill-informed OP. DH had a vasectomy a few months ago, on the NHS. His GP is not a sexist pig never once suggested to him that I put myself through further procedures/medications and thoroughly recommended a scalpel-free vasectomy. He was offered an appointment for 2 months later. It was very straightforward and he was totally pain-free within days.

It's obviously a man's choice what he does with his body. But I would think very little of a man who would be happy for me to put myself through decades of contraception, with all the side effects and complications they can bring, not forgetting pregnancy and child-birth and then, when he's given the chance to shoulder the responsibility himself, decides it's not for him.

I'm not ill informed.

Just because DH and I have made a different decision based on the same information doesn't make us I'll informed.

And I'm sorry if your DH was happy for you to put yourself through years of side effects, mine wasn't. As soon as I had side effects I stopped using hormonal contraception. Prior to DC2 I was very very happy on hormonal contraception and the only side-effect was not getting pregnant. I also had no periods which was a huge bonus to me. If I could continue as I was pre DC2, I would keep taking the pill - not periods was a massive plus for me. Unfortunately something after DC2 changed and it's no longer suitable for me.

I can't have oestrogen contraceptives because I have a clotting disorder, I can't have the coil because I've got a bicornuate uterus, I have vaginismus which has caused issues with condoms in the past so they're not 100% reliable either, and I'm so forgetful because I have ADHD that taking the mini pill is just asking for trouble.

So I got the nexplanon implant and it's been heaven. 3 years of no periods, mood regulated nicely, not having to worry about condoms breaking which is a huge mood killer any way just having the worry without the practice.

That's my recommendation any way.

The first month was bumpy but then it was plain sailing.

The point is vasectomy should be an option but clearly you've been gaslit and choose to believe it.

I've not been gaslit. Get over yourself! Just because I'm not a twat who will withhold sex until DH has an operation he doesn't want to have? You sound abusive and unhinged.

Anyway, thanks to those who have suggested other brands of condom and diaphragms. I'll take a look.

@JunoMcDuff

The point is vasectomy should be an option but clearly you've been gaslit and choose to believe it.

I've not been gaslit. Get over yourself! Just because I'm not a twat who will withhold sex until DH has an operation he doesn't want to have? You sound abusive and unhinged.

@JunoMcDuff Sorry but you have been. You sound very handmaids tale.