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Original poster

My 12yr old has a nasty steak and I hate it!

73 replies

MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 10:58

He’s not always had it, but can often be mean to good little sister who’s 8. But recently it seems to be getting worse, again particularly towards his sister, who hasn’t necessarily done anything to antagonise him.

He’s upset with me at the moment as I’m giving him a whole weekend computer detox. But he shows this upset by sitting directly on a puzzle that his sister is doing in a separate room. Then answering back with sarky comments:

He’s now had his comp ban extended to Tuesday!

He can be sweet and loving, but then there’s this other side to him and it’s infuriating!

Is it an age thing do you think? Normal? Or is he destined to be mean?!

OP posts:
Bigfathairyones · 20/11/2021 11:01

I thought you were going to be talking about food poisoning there...

smallandimperfectlyformed · 20/11/2021 11:03

I'm sorry. No advice here but my 12 year old daughter is being quite frankly vile at the moment, and saying lots of hurtful things to me. You aren't alone. Hopefully they grow out of it soon

Seeline · 20/11/2021 11:03

"his good little sister"

Is he perhaps reacting to what he may be perceiving as a bit if favouritism?

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mowglika · 20/11/2021 11:05

Was going to say the same as pp, he probably sees that little sister doesn’t get told off as much as he does and he takes his resentment out on her. It’s his immaturity. I would speak to him about this and how it will affect his relationship with his sister when she hasn’t done anything to deserve his mean outbursts

ShortDaze · 20/11/2021 11:07

I agree with being clear about unacceptable behaviour and imposing consequences. So you’ve done that bit.

But what are you also doing to reconnect with him and fill the time he’s not on the computer positively? That’s the other half of the equation.

Seeline · 20/11/2021 11:11

Why are you doing a whole weekend detox? Is it a punishment for something?
If not, have you explained why you are doing it and suggested/provided alternatives? I'm not sure it is reasonable for a 12 yo, unless for punishment (not that this is necessarily the most appropriate form if punishment) as won't he need it for homework and stuff?

CaptSkippy · 20/11/2021 11:17

I have no advice, but it seems like you're doing the right thing. Kids need to learn there are consequences to their actions.

And as a person who is frequently faced with bad and destructive behavior of random children, I thank you for actually raising yours. I mean that. There are too many parents who just let it slight and I have to tell kids off for trying to break things or putting themselves and others in dangerous situations.

Original poster
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 11:17

@Bigfathairyones

I thought you were going to be talking about food poisoning there...
Damn it!… I meant streak!
OP posts:
Remmy123 · 20/11/2021 11:18

Why is he having a computer ban what's the reason?

If the reason is just a detox then that is out of order and yes he will act up. Don't blame him, it's his weekend, he has been in school all week, 12 year old boys love their computers.

My son is 12 and if I did that for no reason he would behave badly too.

Then to add a ban on to that until Tuesday would make him worse!

Original poster
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 11:19

@Seeline

"his good little sister"

Is he perhaps reacting to what he may be perceiving as a bit if favouritism?

That wasn’t actually supposed to say good!… Bloody auto correct. Was supposed to say his
OP posts:
Original poster
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 11:19

@smallandimperfectlyformed

I'm sorry. No advice here but my 12 year old daughter is being quite frankly vile at the moment, and saying lots of hurtful things to me. You aren't alone. Hopefully they grow out of it soon
I’m hoping it’s just a stage!
OP posts:
MrsPleasant · 20/11/2021 11:20

If he is used to spending 12 hours a day gaming, he is going to be an arse as he will have no idea what else to do.

Original poster
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 11:20

@mowglika

Was going to say the same as pp, he probably sees that little sister doesn’t get told off as much as he does and he takes his resentment out on her. It’s his immaturity. I would speak to him about this and how it will affect his relationship with his sister when she hasn’t done anything to deserve his mean outbursts
We treat his sister equally, there’s no favourtism going on… she’s certainly no angel!
OP posts:
Original poster
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 11:22

@ShortDaze

I agree with being clear about unacceptable behaviour and imposing consequences. So you’ve done that bit.

But what are you also doing to reconnect with him and fill the time he’s not on the computer positively? That’s the other half of the equation.

We’re currently out on a walk, for the rest of the day now. He’s still grumpy, but is opening up slightly!

We do a lot with him, but more so out of the house.

OP posts:
Santaischeckinglists · 20/11/2021 11:23

Well he needs to be giving reparation to dd. He has to for example make her a hot chocolate and present it like a waiter... Or going and buying her some sweets from his own money Favourite 'punishment' here involves having to give the injured party a foot rub!! Taking his tech away will make him resent her. Ime.

PaddingtonStareBare · 20/11/2021 11:23

I'm sorry but if my 12yr old is giving me shit, I absolutely give a computer ban.
She's given me some right attitude at times and I don't hesitate to block games and entertainment on her laptop and phone, simple done.
Homework gets done on a seperate PC whilst it's being monitored, it's done within an hour so need for extra screen time.
He will be acting out as it's a detox, but you know your son better than us randoms on the internet 😁.
Keep with it and throw food and drink his way whilst trying to engage still in something else if he is showing interest.

Mischance · 20/11/2021 11:24

I agree - it must be very trying to have a "good little sister". Maybe he needs for you to focus on him in a positive way. He does need consequences when he does these annoying things; but he also needs some time with you and OH. Maybe his dad could take him out to do something together so he gets the chance to feel special rather than accumulating one sanction upon another.

His hormones will be bobbing about all over the place. That is not an excuse, but part of the explanation, and he still needs to know right from wrong.

Talk to him ...... how can we help you? .... we do not want to have to keep punishing you .....is there anything that feels wrong with your life at the moment? At least he will know he is worth the effort and not just the annoying brother who is always in trouble.

The act of sitting on his sister's puzzle is a clear attempt to get attention.

Original poster
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 11:24

@Seeline

Why are you doing a whole weekend detox? Is it a punishment for something? If not, have you explained why you are doing it and suggested/provided alternatives? I'm not sure it is reasonable for a 12 yo, unless for punishment (not that this is necessarily the most appropriate form if punishment) as won't he need it for homework and stuff?
Because he sneaks on it when he’s supposed to be doing other things, I’m trying to stop an addiction in it’s tracks. He has been a lot more productive this morning… home work done, room tidied. He’s just been mean and grumpy.
OP posts:
Shewholovedthethebanhills · 20/11/2021 11:25

Try reading Siblings Without Rivalry. We do all sorts of things we don’t realise we’re doing that contribute to poor sibling relationships.

Chickenkatsu · 20/11/2021 11:27

I take it that there's no screen time ban for you or you wouldn't be posting, it might be he's unhappy with being unfairly treated.

ThirdElephant · 20/11/2021 11:28

@Shewholovedthethebanhills

Try reading Siblings Without Rivalry. We do all sorts of things we don’t realise we’re doing that contribute to poor sibling relationships.
This
Remmy123 · 20/11/2021 11:28

So why isn't he allowed on all weekend I'm not understanding?

PandaP0p · 20/11/2021 11:29

@Chickenkatsu err the OP is an adult Hmm

I'd suggest not to keep extending punishments OP. They just create more bad feeling, pushing him into a corner and escalating poor behaviour

Just give him some space, jump on any bad behaviour or rudeness towards other family members and let him come to you

BleuJay · 20/11/2021 11:30

The punishment you have given doesn’t fit the crime. As he’s a child all you have done is reinforce in his mind that he’s hard done by and it will just create more resentment and hostility.

Taking away his privileges as a punishment gives him the opportunity for more bad feelings towards his sister to fester and and won’t deter him from being deliberately unkind to her.

Of course he must be pulled up for any bad behaviour towards his sister but the punishment should be immediate and not drawn out.

Individual time spent with him is important.

LucentBlade · 20/11/2021 11:31

You have to be a lot cleverer than him, if it’s a desk top remove the power lead. If it’s a laptop then it’s easy to pick up and lock away.

It’s probably hormones kicking him. My DS is an absolute delight but there was a year when I thought he had been removed and replaced by some kind of demon.

DS had his Xbox removed and taken to his Fathers workplace for a week as a punishment when he was a teen. He loathes us but now as a young adult he has actually thanked me. A lot of his friends parents just let it slide and their grades suffered.

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