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My 12yr old has a nasty steak and I hate it!

73 replies

MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 10:58

He’s not always had it, but can often be mean to good little sister who’s 8. But recently it seems to be getting worse, again particularly towards his sister, who hasn’t necessarily done anything to antagonise him.

He’s upset with me at the moment as I’m giving him a whole weekend computer detox. But he shows this upset by sitting directly on a puzzle that his sister is doing in a separate room. Then answering back with sarky comments:

He’s now had his comp ban extended to Tuesday!

He can be sweet and loving, but then there’s this other side to him and it’s infuriating!

Is it an age thing do you think? Normal? Or is he destined to be mean?!

OP posts:
Gentleness · 20/11/2021 15:24

My 12yo boy is being very nasty sometimes too. We also take away screen time, usually by locking the device down to only certain "always allowed" apps (educational) and also check we've not slipped up on the 1:1 parent time. His mood swings are something to behold. Those people who told me boys were easier because they are not so emotional were talking rubbish.

MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 15:40

@BleuJay

Saying he has a nasty streak is unfair. Most sibling disputes that are petty by nature, such as sitting in his sisters puzzle are from rivalry foe the mother’s affections even if they don’t understand that but are just driven to annoy and be hostile towards their brother or sister.
Yeah you’re probably right, it was a term used on here in frustration… I’ve not told him he’s nasty! I just hate that he has this part of him though and it is mainly aimed at his sister! They can play really well, but he often takes it too far in order to purposely upset her just for a laugh
OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 15:41

@Babdoc

smallandimperfectlyformed, it depends what you mean by “soon”. How does 5 to 6 years grab you?! Grin I suspect this is just the beginning of adolescent hormones kicking in. Fasten seatbelts, OP and PPs, you are in for a turbulent long haul! Choose your battles carefully, don’t sweat the small stuff, be prepared for impulsive, over emotional, irrational, risk taking behaviour, sulking, tantrums, using you as an emotional punch bag, challenging your authority over the most ridiculous things, and believing they know it all. But when you stagger out the other end, battle scarred and weary, you will find you have some delightful young adults who are a joy to know, and enrich your life immeasurably. Mine are 32 and 31 now, and almost human…! Grin
Thank you! I think you’re right!… I just need to ride it out with firm boundaries!
OP posts:

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Pbbananabagel · 20/11/2021 15:46

In my experience teenage boys turn into little shits for a couple of years when they first start to get the hormone surges coming on - my nephew was a bugger from 12-15 and then miraculously became a wonderful sweet young man again almost overnight. Not looking forward to it with mine at all

Seeline · 20/11/2021 15:47

just hate that he has this part of him though and it is mainly aimed at his sister! They can play really well, but he often takes it too far in order to purposely upset her just for a laugh

Four years is a big gap at this age. He is getting to the stage of wanting to do less with his family, and 'playing' with his baby sister is bit going to last for much longer unless it is a whole family games evening or similar.

No, he shouldn't be nasty to his sister, and IME, a sharp word at the time, and an apology, would normally surface, unless it was continued or physical. Accept that he is growing up, and isn't always in control of his emotions.

AlbusDumbledore2234 · 20/11/2021 15:48

My daughter is the same age and she also havs a nasty streak which I do not like at all... she is vile to me and her temper is explosive at times, and since starting secondary school its gotten worse. Is this the same for your son?

Everyone says its just a phase, but how long? My child will be the death of me at this rate Sad

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2021 15:58

It’s the lack of empathy kicking in. A developmental stage. From what I’ve read, girls start to regain empathy on average at 13, boys it’s 15. Your ds isn’t deliberately being unkind, he just has to go through it… and all of you.

Natural consequences are always the best. If your ds is getting unkind because of his games, the games go away for a couple of days as a minimum and until he can learn to be nicer. If he can prove he can behave better during that time, he gets them back. If not, he doesn’t. This then makes him responsible for his behaviour and you don’t have to escalate.

My dd is 13. The lack of gratitude and treating me like I’m a resource is quite something. We have had words this morning. Again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2021 15:59

@AlbusDumbledore2234

My daughter is the same age and she also havs a nasty streak which I do not like at all... she is vile to me and her temper is explosive at times, and since starting secondary school its gotten worse. Is this the same for your son?

Everyone says its just a phase, but how long? My child will be the death of me at this rate Sad

First year of secondary? Hormones all over the place. Quite a difficult year. As I said in my last post, empathy will return. I am seeing it a little in my yr9 dd.
WonderfulYou · 20/11/2021 16:11

OP are you an only child?

It might be a shock to you that siblings spend a lot of time being a pain to each other but it’s pretty normal.
Obviously you don’t just sit back and accept it but it’s nothing to worry about unless it becomes physical or genuinely nasty.

butterpuffed · 20/11/2021 16:42

OP, please don't do what a PP suggested ~ giving the injured party a foot rub or making her a hot chocolate and serving it to her like a waiter Confused . That's just demeaning.

MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 16:45

@Hen2018

I had a “good little sister”. She was silently spiteful in words and pinching.

It’s quite something to have labelled your children at such a young age.

Ffs… RTFT!!! I haven’t!
OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 16:47

@Branleuse

its his age. Most 12 year old boys are dicks. Full of testosterone that theyre not used to. Honestly the worst age imo
Haha! Thanks 😀… The way he talks to me sometimes it’s horrendous! I often just get a grunt!

It’s funny though when he wants something he comes grovelling 🤣

OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 16:49

@EarringsandLipstick

I think you are right to do the computer detox op.

For the whole weekend though?

Sure a day / part of a day. But blended with family & other non-tech activities, it's fine.

If her DS loves his computer time, taking it away for a full weekend seems very harsh. And now it's till Tuesday.

In my house when I go OTT on consequences, they behave worse & I also am not in charge of the situation. I'm not always good at this but I try to keep it bounded & with chances to get it back.

He’s actually behaving better this afternoon about it now. I think the walk helped! He’s also not named from the telly.

I’ve had a good chat to him and he understands the reasons and has realised that he is developing an addiction. I’m trying to stop it in its tracks.
We have talked today, on our walk, and come up with some time limits.

OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 16:53

@AlbusDumbledore2234

My daughter is the same age and she also havs a nasty streak which I do not like at all... she is vile to me and her temper is explosive at times, and since starting secondary school its gotten worse. Is this the same for your son?

Everyone says its just a phase, but how long? My child will be the death of me at this rate Sad

Yeah, he started Year 7 this year, and his bad attitude has only developed in the last month!

I feel like I now have no say or control on his friendship groups! It’s weird.. I don’t even know who his friends are!

OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 16:54

@Mummyoflittledragon

It’s the lack of empathy kicking in. A developmental stage. From what I’ve read, girls start to regain empathy on average at 13, boys it’s 15. Your ds isn’t deliberately being unkind, he just has to go through it… and all of you.

Natural consequences are always the best. If your ds is getting unkind because of his games, the games go away for a couple of days as a minimum and until he can learn to be nicer. If he can prove he can behave better during that time, he gets them back. If not, he doesn’t. This then makes him responsible for his behaviour and you don’t have to escalate.

My dd is 13. The lack of gratitude and treating me like I’m a resource is quite something. We have had words this morning. Again.

This is helpful! And strangely reassuring!! Thanks
OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 16:55

@WonderfulYou

OP are you an only child?

It might be a shock to you that siblings spend a lot of time being a pain to each other but it’s pretty normal.
Obviously you don’t just sit back and accept it but it’s nothing to worry about unless it becomes physical or genuinely nasty.

Nope. I have 2 siblings and 2 step siblings
OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 16:56

@butterpuffed

OP, please don't do what a PP suggested ~ giving the injured party a foot rub or making her a hot chocolate and serving it to her like a waiter Confused . That's just demeaning.
I saw the humour in it… which I’m guessing the pp who mentioned it uses when dishing out the reparations
OP posts:
YouWouldNotBelieve · 20/11/2021 17:03

The OP's son will only know that his mean mother has taken his computer time away and that by annoying his sister, his mum might let him back on.

It is unbelieveable to suggest that the OP start a petty war between herself and her son because that is only going to drive a further wedge between them. 'my cow of a mum made me spend my pocket money on my sister'. What a way to associate gift giving with punishment.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 20/11/2021 17:21

12 is a rough age regardless.

I disagree with the posters who think you're too harsh.

He's clearly been lying about not going on it/pretending not to go on it despite being told and this has been the consequence.

Keep him at the full weekend and give him the option to earn it back. An improvement in attitude towards his sister would be the first step.

He's not going to resent his sister for a four day computer ban! Perhaps when he gets it back he will realise Mum isn't fucking about when she says turn it off.

MsWalterMitty · 20/11/2021 17:25

I’ve sold it to him as a detox and explained what addiction manifests as. He understands that it’s not a punishment.. which it isn’t! I’ve explained this to him! It’s detox for regulation.

Yes, the punishment was when I extended it to Tues for being mean, which I’ve gone back on and instead we’ve problem solved and come up with a plan together on overall weekly screen time

OP posts:
FreshFancyFrogglette · 20/11/2021 17:31

Id be grumpy if someone took away my screen time for the weekend..
I don't think it's that surprising. Actions and reactions.. I wouldn't be worried, it's a natural consequence of being forced to do something that you don't want to do.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 20/11/2021 17:31

He does sound very 'normal' though. Tell a teenager no and Jesus the wrath!

It can be hard to recognise them at this age, hormones are playing havoc, their moods are up and down like yoyos, they snap back, they shout, they get cross, they push boundaries and suddenly they're a foot taller than they were in summer.

I'd say the key is consistency, realistic expectations, A LOT of positive stroking and kindness. Also the recognition you are uncool.

Everything else will muddle into place.

The PC is a great example. He knows he can't go on the computer after nine during the week, that's the usual rule. You expect him to come off at 9pm but if he's finishing homework/nearing the end of a game perhaps he can have an extra ten minutes a couple of times a week. If he breaks those rule then comes the discipline - if it works he loses access to his tech for misbehaving.

When he's off his tech try and spend time with him, see if he'll help cook tea, go on a walk, day out, help with homework, watch something on tv etc. Praise his participation in these activities and he'll find that there's other stuff he enjoys other than PC.

If he tries to wind the sister up then it's further removal of tech after a warning or two. He is old enough to realise the consequence of his own behaviour. He's twelve and picking on his sister because he's bored/feeling hard done to, not two and having a tantrum he's at a perfectly competent age to realise the long term implications.

If he loses the computer for a week or more then so beit. It's a consequence of his own actions and he's choosing to behave like that.

WonderfulYou · 20/11/2021 17:33

Great compromise OP.

I find my DD can be awful if she’s not had enough exercise/fresh air and too much computer but she loves gaming so I try and find a balance.
But sometimes teens are just a nightmare no matter what we do.

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