My 12yr old has a nasty steak and I hate it!

[MsWalterMitty]

He’s not always had it, but can often be mean to good little sister who’s 8. But recently it seems to be getting worse, again particularly towards his sister, who hasn’t necessarily done anything to antagonise him.

He’s upset with me at the moment as I’m giving him a whole weekend computer detox. But he shows this upset by sitting directly on a puzzle that his sister is doing in a separate room. Then answering back with sarky comments:

He’s now had his comp ban extended to Tuesday!

He can be sweet and loving, but then there’s this other side to him and it’s infuriating!

Is it an age thing do you think? Normal? Or is he destined to be mean?!

@Santaischeckinglists

Well he needs to be giving reparation to dd. He has to for example make her a hot chocolate and present it like a waiter... Or going and buying her some sweets from his own money Favourite 'punishment' here involves having to give the injured party a foot rub!! Taking his tech away will make him resent her. Ime.

This is great! I’n going to start doing this thanks

It’s Loathed not loathes, there was no sibling to have a rivalry with so that extra layer of complication wasn’t there in our house, You may be showing favouritism and be unaware I know my friend favoured her youngest child it was obvious but she will deny it to this day.

Saying he has a nasty streak is unfair. Most sibling disputes that are petty by nature, such as sitting in his sisters puzzle are from rivalry foe the mother’s affections even if they don’t understand that but are just driven to annoy and be hostile towards their brother or sister.

@CaptSkippy

I have no advice, but it seems like you're doing the right thing. Kids need to learn there are consequences to their actions.

And as a person who is frequently faced with bad and destructive behavior of random children, I thank you for actually raising yours. I mean that. There are too many parents who just let it slight and I have to tell kids off for trying to break things or putting themselves and others in dangerous situations.

I work in an semh school and see challenging behaviour everyday, so I am desensitised to my children’s behaviours sometimes as they’re no where near as challenging… so I try hard to counterbalance it!

smallandimperfectlyformed, it depends what you mean by “soon”. How does 5 to 6 years grab you?!
I suspect this is just the beginning of adolescent hormones kicking in. Fasten seatbelts, OP and PPs, you are in for a turbulent long haul!
Choose your battles carefully, don’t sweat the small stuff, be prepared for impulsive, over emotional, irrational, risk taking behaviour, sulking, tantrums, using you as an emotional punch bag, challenging your authority over the most ridiculous things, and believing they know it all.
But when you stagger out the other end, battle scarred and weary, you will find you have some delightful young adults who are a joy to know, and enrich your life immeasurably. Mine are 32 and 31 now, and almost human…!

@Chickenkatsu

I take it that there's no screen time ban for you or you wouldn't be posting, it might be he's unhappy with being unfairly treated.

Why would OP have a screen ban?

If you want him to spend less times on screens then you need to find other activities for him to do. Encourage other interests, find clubs, take up a hobby with him (might improve your relationship).
That sibling age difference is tricky, if she’s doing something like a puzzle get her to do it in her room and tell him to keep out. If he winds her up he has to do something for her to apologise.
Work on that sibling relationship in positive ways if you can.

@ShortDaze

I agree with being clear about unacceptable behaviour and imposing consequences. So you’ve done that bit.

But what are you also doing to reconnect with him and fill the time he’s not on the computer positively? That’s the other half of the equation.

Excellent advice. Extending his computer ban to Tuesday is ineffective. It's too long & what are you going to do if he continues to misbehave, keep extending it?

I try to involve them in something I'm doing eg making dinner, baking, a chore. It's not fun for them but we get to have a chat & if they've engaged & helped, I'll allow them then to do something they like eg watch TV or whatever.

I don’t think sitting on his sisters puzzle would be classed as a nasty streak. That would have been a regular occurrence between me and my siblings.

Obviously it’s hard to tell just from a couple of posts but I’d say your being too hard on him.
An entire weekend of no computer because we went on it when he wasn’t supposed to is quite extreme. And now he did this it’s been extended another 2 days.

It’s probably the worst punishment he can get so once he’s gotten it and knows he won’t get to go on his computer this weekend then what’s the point in being good.

I agree it’s good to take these privileges away but I think there should be a goal to work towards - eg you did this so you can’t go on your computer, if your behaviour changes and you clean your room, do your HW etc then you’ll get to go on it again.

He is more likely to behave better if he is going to gain something from it.

He has to for example make her a hot chocolate and present it like a waiter... Or going and buying her some sweets from his own money Favourite 'punishment' here involves having to give the injured party a foot rub!!

Sorry that sounds nuts!

No-one in our family would enjoy any aspect of that, giver or receiver.

I do focus on respect & treating each other well but that's not the same as (in my view) rather trite gestures. (I get it works for your family which is fine).

I guarantee if any foot rubbing went on in our family there would be a physical fight. Foot rubbing anyway 🤢

Rather than a whole weekend detox why not limit it but not exclude it? If you've all done a long walk today, what's wrong with him having some screen time this evening?

Of course conditional on positive & engaged behaviour.

@MsWalterMitty by all means do the reparation thing but be prepared for your children to have an extraordinarily fucked-up relationship as a result and hate each other for the rest of their lives.

Obviously I can't know your particular situation, but just to give you some hope, I was absolutely foul to my poor little sister at that age. We are now extremely close!

I had a “good little sister”. She was silently spiteful in words and pinching.

It’s quite something to have labelled your children at such a young age.

I think it's an age thing OP, as well as a computer thing. I also have a 12 year old, and a nearly 11 year old.

DD agreed to time limits after we found out (together) she'd been on her phone for 6 hours in one day. We were both horrified. And it gave me a jolt into being stricter. Her phone now has a week day restriction of 45 minutes per day, and an hour and half weekends. And it's definitely easier to introduce the time limits now compared to in a year or twos time!

They still argue, and they both still occasionally still talk to me like something the cat's dragged in, but I pull them up on it each time.

I've read the how to talk so teens listen books, and the other one mentioned, both are very helpful.

God help me in a few years when I've got a 13 &14 year old though 🙈.

its his age. Most 12 year old boys are dicks. Full of testosterone that theyre not used to. Honestly the worst age imo

Good grief.. all the posters saying they never give a computer detox to their children and acting like banning a child from using the computer as punishment is life altering.

It’s good for children to have time away from a screen.

How about give them a book. Remember those? Or what about going outside to play in nature and play with friends. There are so many ways to fill time without being in the computer. And children don’t need to be behind a screen for hours a day. It’s bad for their eyes and it’s more important for them to be out playing and socializing with friends.

It’s no wonder so many children are addicted to their screens since parents act like doing a weekend with no computer is tantamount to imhumane punishment.

And you should remove privileges from chidlren when they are naughty. You reinforce bad behaviour by letting children behave poorly but having no consequences.

Some of the pp surprise me. You do yourself no favours nor society favours by not teaching children that bad behaviour has consequences. Minimizing poor behavior ensures that the child as they age will have trouble accepting consequences for bad behaviour. Then you will be on MN asking why your 16 yr old is swearing at you, beating up on you and not responding to consequences you have placed.

I think you are right to do the computer detox op.

I think you are right to do the computer detox op.

For the whole weekend though?

Sure a day / part of a day. But blended with family & other non-tech activities, it's fine.

If her DS loves his computer time, taking it away for a full weekend seems very harsh. And now it's till Tuesday.

In my house when I go OTT on consequences, they behave worse & I also am not in charge of the situation. I'm not always good at this but I try to keep it bounded & with chances to get it back.

I think starting off with a whole weekend ban was a bit too much.

I think I'd start with a 6 hours detox. And then make it a regular occurrence. This will encourage him to do other things (although he might need a bit of help at first).

It is his hormones. Are you able to spend 1 to 1 time with him, just you and him. Suggest lunch out even if it’s only a sandwich and a drink and make it a treat for him.

Was the original detox a punishment for anything in particular?

If he’s only ‘mean’ to his sibling, it’s likely just standard sibling rivalry, recommend the book ‘siblings without rivalry’ , found it helpful!

For example, extending his punishment will likely just increase his anger towards his sister.

@MrsPleasant

If he is used to spending 12 hours a day gaming, he is going to be an arse as he will have no idea what else to do.

He doesn’t spend 12 hours a day gaming

@Mischance

I agree - it must be very trying to have a "good little sister". Maybe he needs for you to focus on him in a positive way. He does need consequences when he does these annoying things; but he also needs some time with you and OH. Maybe his dad could take him out to do something together so he gets the chance to feel special rather than accumulating one sanction upon another.

His hormones will be bobbing about all over the place. That is not an excuse, but part of the explanation, and he still needs to know right from wrong.

Talk to him ...... how can we help you? .... we do not want to have to keep punishing you .....is there anything that feels wrong with your life at the moment? At least he will know he is worth the effort and not just the annoying brother who is always in trouble.

The act of sitting on his sister's puzzle is a clear attempt to get attention.

Thanks for your advice on the latter part of your reply. I’ve had a chat to him about the reasons why he is not having his computer at the moment.

My point of this thread was his behaviour in general, not just because he’s not on his computer.

A typical weekend for us is him spending maybe a couple of hours in the morning on his computer, then we go out for the full day as a family, or he goes to a friends house. We’re very active so we’re mostly doing some kind of outdoor sport… today we’ve been up a mountain, soo lots of opportunity to talk. Tomorrow we’re mountain biking. Soo he’s not short of our attention.

Once again, I don’t think his sister is favoured, i didn’t mean to write good,