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Original poster

30, single, at a real turning point. PhD or save up to have a child alone?

65 replies

declareitnow · 19/11/2021 19:58

Being perfectly honest, I've never even held hands with a man. I am attracted to men but nothing has ever gone beyond a second date. I haven't quite given up, but I can't put myself through OLD any more. I think it's just not for me.

I would really love to be a mother but I would need to save up for a couple of years so that I would have a nest egg for childcare and any unexpected expenses for the first few years. If I save up I think I would have enough by the time I am 35.

My other option is to apply for my PhD. I've never felt 'done' with studying, but I'd also be completely isolating myself and putting a lot of pressure on too.

any words of wisdom?

OP posts:

BigGreen · 19/11/2021 20:06

Academia is a highly competitive job market which often (but not always) entails years of short term contracts and geographical moves. The union has called staff out for strikes again in Dec due to pension cuts and miserable working conditions. Brexit has turned an import funding tap off, covid has messed with income from foreign students and the govt are poised to cut fee income. It's not an ideal sector to enter in the short to medium term Id say.

Maybe worth it in a STEM field where you could parachute into industry?

Original poster

declareitnow · 19/11/2021 20:12

I definitely don't want to work in academia, no way. The programme I'm looking at would be 5 years part time. It wouldn't advance my career in the promotion sense but I'd hope to gain a lot of personal growth from it.

OP posts:

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/11/2021 20:21

I wouldn't embark on a PhD unless it was required for your career. Such a huge commitment, the expense (including opportunity cost and lost earnings), the stress, and the uncertainty. In many industries a Masters would give similar career benefit. If you want to study or research something for personal growth can you do it in your free time rather than as a PhD?

Having a baby solo is a big decision. How are you in terms of supportive family and friends? How flexible is your career and financial situation?

MerylSqueak · 19/11/2021 20:22

Which one do you think is the thing you have to do. I've done both. A PhD definitely changes you and I'm very glad I did it. I felt that my children were the thing I had to have in my life to be happy and I was right. However much I enjoyed and feel grateful for my PhD, I personally could have been happy without it. Neither did it particularly affect my career (my choice - it could have done).

Newpuppymummy · 19/11/2021 20:27

I was in a similar ish position to you at the same age and chose single motherhood. I have never regretted my choices.

Original poster

declareitnow · 19/11/2021 20:31

How are you in terms of supportive family and friends? How flexible is your career and financial situation?

I think my friends would be emotionally supportive but obviously I'd be on my own financially and practically. My closest friends are starting families so I would perhaps be able to do some reciprocal babysitting, but I'd need to hire a nanny to give me some rest.

I'm very apprehensive about running this past my family. They're very traditional and would love me to settle down and have children, but going it alone would be a huge shock to them. My parents are also a bit older so babysittng again would probably be a no.

I could study personally. That probably is a much more sensible option. I'm just longing for something in my life and I feel like it would a goal rather than just an interest, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

BrilliantBetty · 19/11/2021 20:31

I know I would prefer to have a baby than get a PHD.

You could do your PhD later on but may not get the chance to be a mother later on.

MrsDoraDumble · 19/11/2021 20:34

If having children is something that’s important to you go for that option.. you could technically do a phd at any time but having a child is time limited.

Tigerwhocameforsupper · 19/11/2021 20:35

Have you considered adoption or fostering? The cost of private fertitiltiy treatment to become a single parent is really high, with no guarantees and could be physically, emotionally and financially draining.

That said, I would 100% choose motherhood over anything else. But then I’m a mum and so am biased.

Original poster

declareitnow · 19/11/2021 20:36

No, I wouldn't consider adoption or fostering. I don't think I could cope with a traumatised child alone.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 19/11/2021 20:37

Er...neither.

You're only 30...you have time to meet a man, start a relationship and have a family.

As for the PhD, sounds like a tactic to stretch out studenthood (is that even a word!)

Original poster

declareitnow · 19/11/2021 20:38

I know I have the time to meet a man but I don't seem to have the ability

OP posts:

BurbageBrook · 19/11/2021 20:39

I’m doing a PhD and around your age and I’ve nearly quit so many times. I’m hopefully nearly finished but I’m just desperate to finish so I can get on with real life and have a baby etc! So it really depends. If you are desperate for a career in academia and can get a funded PhD, maybe, but otherwise I would go for the other option. The PhD may take 4 years and then you’ll be broke and 34, with no nest egg for childcare…

BurbageBrook · 19/11/2021 20:41

Oh just seen it’s a 5 year PT one. Even more reason not to do it if it’s being weighed up against kids. The attrition rate on PT PhDs is woeful.

KeflavikAirport · 19/11/2021 20:45

spend a bit of time and money investigating why your love life has never gone anywhere. Meet a man two years down the line, have a baby at 35 and PhD when you retire.

SarahAndQuack · 19/11/2021 20:47

I have a PhD and a child conceived through donor sperm/fertility treatment (though she's not my bio daughter and I have a partner).

The PhD was a lot easier, and considerably cheaper (it was funded). The PhD was also a lot more under my control; I agree with the PP who says fertility treatment can be quite heartbreaking and uncertain, and though PhDs come with some stress it really isn't remotely comparable.

However, the PhD would wait and if you're looking at being 35 when you start treatment, motherhood might well not. Btw, it may not be for you, but if you donate eggs (which you can only do prior to 35), you can usually qualify for cheaper treatment.

I know someone who is a single mother by choice, and I know she adores her DD and is so glad she had her, but she is financially very lucky and I think that does make a huge difference TBH. I would be a single mum like a shot if money were not a concern and never very likely to be, but otherwise I'd worry.

What is it you'd love about being a mother (daft question I know, but maybe useful?)? And what makes you not sure about it? And the same for the PhD?

CherryMaple · 19/11/2021 20:48

A part-time PhD can be really hard. I have a friend who has been doing her part-time PhD for 9 years now and is on the verge of giving up - the pressure is overwhelming. A PhD is quite a tough route to personal growth if it won’t advance your career.

Agree with the PP that you are only 30 - you still have lots of time ahead. Save up if you want to, and then you’ve got a few years to decide what you want to spend your nest egg on - whether motherhood or something else.

Original poster

declareitnow · 19/11/2021 20:49

I've been in therapy for a while now. I don't know if it has really helped. Sometimes I feel so positive and then I try OLD again, nothing works, and my self esteem goes down and dismissive avoidant tendencies go up.

OP posts:

givethatbabyaname · 19/11/2021 20:50

I see the dilemma as you phrase it. But having a child or doing a PhD are not things to do to FIND your purpose in life. They're things you do IF they're your purpose in life. They both have significant downsides, and both carry significant risks whether you're successful or not.

I see why you've alighted on these two options, though: both are the most socially acceptable, mainstream solutions to Western, educated, relatively monied women within a relatively narrow age-range. But they're far from the only options.

Be honest with yourself: do you want an impossible, draining, expensive child who you might end up regretting? Do you want to commit money and time and reputation to a PhD that you end up being bored stiff by?

I suggest thinking about what you really want from life. Explore yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself. You are young, you have time, you have no ties, you have so much freedom to take your life in any direction.

TaraRhu · 19/11/2021 20:51

I wouldn't do a phd at this stage unless you want a career in academia. Mind you If funded /paid it would be quite useful to do it when you have a young child. I don't know what field you are looking but a phd could be flexible and worked around your kid. If it's. It it's not paid then I'd wait until later in life.

There's lots of support online fir people who go it alone. I have two friends that did it and have made lifelong friends. However, don't give up on relationships if you think that could be something you would like. Get some help to overcome your issues. You aren't at a point where it's now or never necessarily.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 19/11/2021 20:54

I'm a single parent by choice. It's been emotionally, practically, financially hard at times, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

I was planning a future PhD when DC1 came along... 10 years later it's still "something I hope to do one day". Maybe that horrifies you (in which case perhaps it's still a useful contribution in highlighting what's important/urgent to you!) but 10 years feels a very short time now. It can wait another 10.

Original poster

declareitnow · 19/11/2021 20:55

What is it you'd love about being a mother (daft question I know, but maybe useful?)? And what makes you not sure about it? And the same for the PhD?

I love babies. I feel so calm and happy when I hold someone's baby. I really like children too. I'd love to be the one to have the privilege of showing a little person the world and trying to guide them and educate them. I am very idealistic so that is a worry. I might be completely terrible at it and trying to do it on my own could be the wrong thing if the universe/God/Karma doesn't will it.

I'm really good at writing essays though, I know that for sure :/

OP posts:

MakingTheBestOfIt · 19/11/2021 20:58

Honestly, if my 30-year-old self was in your position I’d advise her to start saving towards having a baby, whilst lining up all my other ducks with regards to career and a possible future relationship. You don’t have to go ahead with the solo parenthood, but at least you’ll have the option.

A friend had her DD solo in her early 40s. Her DD is 12 now and I am often envious of their wonderful relationship.

Catsstillrock · 19/11/2021 21:10

Op have you daughter any outside help - therapy - to help you build a relationship?

I had a turbulent, lonely 20s. I very much wanted a partner and children. Not quite the same as you, I had short relationships where I fell too quickly and they didn’t work out on repeat.

I went to therapy to figure out that pattern and change it.

It helped and I’m married with kids now.

The only thing I’d add is, with hindsight, it wasn’t just me making ‘bad choices’ I was also unlucky - plenty of people had similar patterns and one of them turned out to be a good guy that fell for them.

And sexism / misogyny played a role. I’ve realised after the event if I’d been male I’d have had a much easier 20s with more agency and more respect in my love life making very similar choices.

I’m telling you this to remind you where you are now is not all
On you.

But it is possible to improve your own part in it.

Your self esteem, your beliefs, your choices and behaviours and create different outcomes if you want to.

It would be a better use of your time than more OLD.

Catsstillrock · 19/11/2021 21:11

Have you sought any outside help

Should say

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