30, single, at a real turning point. PhD or save up to have a child alone?

[declareitnow]

Being perfectly honest, I've never even held hands with a man. I am attracted to men but nothing has ever gone beyond a second date. I haven't quite given up, but I can't put myself through OLD any more. I think it's just not for me.

I would really love to be a mother but I would need to save up for a couple of years so that I would have a nest egg for childcare and any unexpected expenses for the first few years. If I save up I think I would have enough by the time I am 35.

My other option is to apply for my PhD. I've never felt 'done' with studying, but I'd also be completely isolating myself and putting a lot of pressure on too.

any words of wisdom?

I think therapy has helped improve things on my part. I can see why I made some of the choices I did, but I'm also much easier on myself now. The problem is that it hasn't really translated into any more luck dating.

Both? Child first. PhD can be done later.

I'm a single mum with a donor conceived child. Slightly different to your situation in that I never wanted the traditional set up of marriage and kids. But in my late 30s I suddenly thought I might quite like the kids bit. So I did it on my own. I'd been working towards retraining in a field that needed a doctorate, but I changed my mind completely about that once I had a child. Only because my priorities changed, not because having a child actually stopped me.

For me, it came down to choosing the path of least regret.

Save up a little nest egg for now, and once it's built up in a few years, you can decide what to do. In a couple of years your circumstances might change. Maybe you'll have met the right guy, or maybe the pull towards motherhood will be stronger. Or maybe you'll want more than anything to do your PhD. My father used to say never make a big decision if you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT). Wait a little. You've got some time.

I did both.

Have the kid.
PhDs, even as a hobby, are terrible for mental health and most people I know didn't end up happier with them. Many regret them.
I don't know anyone who liked kids, wanted to have them, regretted them.

PhD at 40, as a hobby, is no big deal. For kids, that's a big deal.

It's a total no-brainer.

@givethatbabyaname

I see the dilemma as you phrase it. But having a child or doing a PhD are not things to do to FIND your purpose in life. They're things you do IF they're your purpose in life. They both have significant downsides, and both carry significant risks whether you're successful or not.

I see why you've alighted on these two options, though: both are the most socially acceptable, mainstream solutions to Western, educated, relatively monied women within a relatively narrow age-range. But they're far from the only options.

Be honest with yourself: do you want an impossible, draining, expensive child who you might end up regretting? Do you want to commit money and time and reputation to a PhD that you end up being bored stiff by?

I suggest thinking about what you really want from life. Explore yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself. You are young, you have time, you have no ties, you have so much freedom to take your life in any direction.

Good post. As someone with both a PhD and a child, I’d think carefully about what @givethatbabyaname says here, OP. I agree that they’re not things to do when looking for a purpose in life, they’re things you do if you feel you can’t not. And absolutely to a pp’s point that there is a ferocious attrition rate in PT PhDs, and I’ve supervised several.

Good luck with figuring it out.

A PhD is the far less selfish option so go for that.

@TwinklyBranch

A PhD is the far less selfish option so go for that.

Oh, come on, that is really harsh.

I don't think being good at writing essays has much to do with doing a PhD, or being good at one.

I get what you mean about feeling calm and happy around babies.

Please feel free to ignore if this doesn't resonate, but for me: 'I'm good at x' is an easier thing to fail at than 'I really enjoy x'.

If you're good at something and then you find you're not as good as you thought, or not as good as you needed to be, it is a blow, and it can make you question your sense of self, for sure. But I don't think it compares to how bad you feel when you thought you loved doing something and you find you actually hate it.

I don't know anyone with a PhD who didn't sometimes panic and think they weren't good enough, and I don't know anyone with children who can't honestly admit to hating some bits of having a child. But I'd be so much more nervous about going into parenting thinking it'd make you happy, than going into a PhD thinking you'll do it well.

(That might be totally unhelpful, so do ignore if it doesn't feel useful.)

No, it is helpful! I totally acknowledge how selfish wanting a child is in my circumstances. I really can't argue with that, but I think it might come down to the 'can't not' emotional argument.

I don't think there is anything selfish about a woman in her 30s with a decent income wanting a child alone, children are very regularly brought into the world for far more selfish reasons. Are there ever any unselfish reasons for having a child?

If OLD is not working for you, I would suggest that you need to do some things out of your comfort zone like;

Volunteer
Go on mixed sex solo group holidays or travel & meet people
Join a hobby group with lots of men

A friend took a part time job ( on top of her FT job) met someone at the PT job venue & is now married

The PhD is not time-limited, if it’s for personal fulfilment rather than your career. Getting pregnant and having a baby is. I would go for the baby but keep the idea of the PhD on the back burner for some future point.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/sep/14/no-stigma-single-mothers-denmark-solomors

Having a child is always selfish. It's hardly some selfless endeavour.

But that doesn't mean nobody should have children - or that the op should feel any kind of guilt for a normal human desire.

I would save to have a baby, but I knew I wanted to have children. I wouldn't do a PHD unless it guaranteed me a great career opportunity. I don't think it sounds like that is the case for you.

Saving to have a child can't hurt. Even if you you end up meeting someone and having a family together, the money will come in handy.

I also think being a single parent by choice can work really well. Better than desperately taking the first guy you see and ending up stuck with a bad guy for example. I've seen that happen irl.

You could do the PhD and then meet somebody over the next five years as you are working on it. I know women who have started one whilst single and been awarded it with their husband and baby at the ceremony. And some have paused it to go back later on once their children are older or decided that actually, they love children but having one isn't for them - or adopted. Or had babies in their forties.

It doesn't have to be a binary decision. It's not now or never, because you are only thirty. 38, yeah, that's likely to be a now or never. But not at 30 when other people you know are having kids and making you feel like you 'should' be at the same stage. At 35, with a PhD, your income could have increased dramatically and it won't be as difficult to get the money together if you do want to have a child alone over the next couple of years.

It's certainly better than my decision, which was to make do with an arsehole and follow my bloody hormones instead of improving my life and either waiting for the right man to come along or going it alone without the complications of domestic abuse and court involvement.

I’d keep saving and getting everything in order to have a baby. A PHD would be something you can revisit years later but you might not be able to leave having a baby that long.
Un mumsnetty hugs I’m in your position too(wanting a baby on my own) but not able to because of no family support and disability.
Go for it!

There’s a whole community of solo mothers by choice out there. Join the Donor Conception Network and go to one of their thinkers/triers events and start your research.

I think you save your nest egg, keep the PHD in your back pocket, keep up with therapy and think about things other than OLD (different hobby groups for example) that will suit you a bit better.

At 30 it's all about keeping your options open.

Save rather than PhD imo

I’m 31 and in the second year of a full-time, funded PhD. Different situation as I’m married and don’t want kids, but here’s my two cents on the matter:

I wanted desperately to do my PhD because I didn’t feel ‘finished’, the same way you describe. The first year was amazing and I powered through. The year two slump has hit me hard and all I’ve learned is that I absolutely don’t want to go into academia. I’ve actually been looking at jobs, potentially to drop my studies down to part time because I’m fucking sick of the sight of my research. It has taught me a lot about myself but not necessarily in a positive way.

If I were you, I’d go for the baby. A doctorate is gruelling and if you don’t need it for your career, I would advise against it. If you decide you still want to do it in a few years, the option will be there but it may be harder to conceive.

If you don't want to go into academia, I wouldn't recommend a PhD. You might be able to get the same feeling of learning from doing an evening course, OU course, or Masters.

I wouldn't do a PhD for shits and gigs, I'd focus on developing your personal life. Do you think you're attracted to the idea of a PhD because it would be a way to engage in something with other people, in a student environment? There are lots of cheaper, less laborious ways to get involved in stuff, id really recommend thinking about a sport or hobby you're interested in.

Do you think you're attracted to the idea of a PhD because it would be a way to engage in something with other people, in a student environment?

No, the complete opposite is true if I’m being perfectly honest… I like the solitude of being holed up in a library and academic success is something which has always came easily to me.

It does feel a ‘now or never’ decision purely because I do need to save so much if I had a baby alone. Thank you to the person who named the support group, I’m going to look them up.

I understand the advice to join more male orientated groups, but the truth is that I don’t want to. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation because if I do what makes me happy and healthy, I very rarely meet single men.

I appreciate all of the posts

to be perfectly honest deliberately having a fatherless child is really quite selfish. Just because you don't need a father for your child doesn't mean a child doesn't need a father.