30, single, at a real turning point. PhD or save up to have a child alone?

[declareitnow]

Being perfectly honest, I've never even held hands with a man. I am attracted to men but nothing has ever gone beyond a second date. I haven't quite given up, but I can't put myself through OLD any more. I think it's just not for me.

I would really love to be a mother but I would need to save up for a couple of years so that I would have a nest egg for childcare and any unexpected expenses for the first few years. If I save up I think I would have enough by the time I am 35.

My other option is to apply for my PhD. I've never felt 'done' with studying, but I'd also be completely isolating myself and putting a lot of pressure on too.

any words of wisdom?

It is selfish, but if that is the way forward, the child would still be very loved and well looked after.

I'm prouder of my PhD than I am of DC.

I don't see why you have to "choose". Life is for living now with opportunities at your disposal. PhD is the opportunity you have right now, children are not an option now but you will take the right opportunity if it comes.

You could end up 5 yrs older & still have no child AND no PhD. Would be nice to do something about the one you have choice over.

That said, some of how OP talks about getting onto a PhD programme sounds naive, like they are just assuming they can easily get accepted into a programme. It can be a lot more competitive than that.

MN academics are incredibly negative about academia, compared to me, anyway. I find it's a great career & lots of my colleagues feel the same. We also know people who got PhD & immediately happily went into other industries.

I have raised my child on my own, I wouldn’t recommend the experience unless you have a very supportive family plus a high income or you were forced into it.

Agree it is selfish, as much as you want a baby, the child will find some difficulties growing without a father especially if you are not good at keeping a very good social life to support his upbringing.

… but if you really want a child (and no academic career) forget about the PhD and concentrate in your career so you can build enough savings and a decent future household income to support that kid on your own.

@GrandmasCat

I have raised my child on my own, I wouldn’t recommend the experience unless you have a very supportive family plus a high income or you were forced into it.

Agree it is selfish, as much as you want a baby, the child will find some difficulties growing without a father especially if you are not good at keeping a very good social life to support his upbringing.

Sorry to say it but I agree. I'm not sure single parenthood will hugely enjoyable op or give you what it is you're looking for. Having a child by donor might be ok if you were in the last chance saloon and desperate to experience motherhood...but you're still young. You'd be better off working out what is stopping you forming a romantic relationship and workon finding a partner first. You have time for that

PhD seems to me to be sort of an avoidance tactic. Definitely choose motherhood. I feel like that's the hole in your life that you're trying to fill. So acknowledge it and start taking steps toward making motherhood a reality for you.

You're 30 and you've never held a man's hand. That's pretty extreme.

Do you have pets you stroke/cuddle? I do hope so. Because - although I know this may seem harsh - if not, I would be concerned that an adult who is content never to touch any other living being would struggle with the constant physical expressiveness essential to being a loving parent.

I hope your therapy is addressing your avoidance of physical contact. Because children need loads of physical affection to thrive. My DF's mother was very withdrawn and it affected him for life.

No, I’m not an animal person. I know it’s extreme. Therapy has helped my mindset a lot, and for a while I felt almost confident about just trying to kiss someone, but I don’t get many matches and even fewer dates.

I’m fairly confident I would be accepted onto the course. I have a first class honours and distinction in my masters. I’ve been working with my tutor regularly since graduating too.

I'm lucky that my partner is supportive and pulls his weight with the dc, even then there are difficult moments. It must be very hard to be a single parent with no support.
Ivf is not as successful as you may believe that it is. I think it's something like a 30 percent success?
Extra qualifications will help your career. I would stick to that.

One reason women with babies and toddlers go off sex can be that by bedtime we feel "all touched out". It's relentless and you can feel as if your body isn't your own. And this is for women who are normally really comfortable with physical affection.

But is it harder to live as a single parent than it is to be alone for the next 40 years? I understand the point about being touched out, but at times I feel really achingly lonely.

Being a single parent is even lonelier, believe me.

Can't you go travelling? Or Lots of holidays? Just really enjoy your time doing what you love?

@declareitnow

But is it harder to live as a single parent than it is to be alone for the next 40 years? I understand the point about being touched out, but at times I feel really achingly lonely.

Sorry but that it's a terrible reason to have a baby

Unless you've been in the same position (which someone else has pointed out is quite unusual) I really don't see how you're qualified to make such a definitive statement? Were you completely single for all of your adolescence and twenties and then a single parent?

I realise it would be gruelling and tough, but there would be ways to socialise there too. It's horrible being the single one while your closest friends are all arranging their weddings and doing couply things. It will be even harder if I'm the only childless one. My brothers and sister are also likely to have kids, so my hypothetical child would be part of a larger family too.

I do still want to travel but I don't want to do it alone. I do make myself happy and try and do the things I love, but something is missing. I'm still lonely.

@declareitnow

But is it harder to live as a single parent than it is to be alone for the next 40 years? I understand the point about being touched out, but at times I feel really achingly lonely.

I agree that that's a terrible reason to have a baby. You're hoping to find fulfilment through a child, which could end really badly for that child.