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Original poster

Got 'I'm about to be ghosted' anxiety - sad!

90 replies

Lucia23 · 14/11/2021 19:04

Been seeing a guy for 2 months after meeting on an app. We did sleep together quickly so I worried it would be over quickly but he consistently called & set up dates each week. Everything was consistent and going well, he came to spend my birthday with me, etc.

Then I went on holiday for a week and he didn't contact me at all until I contacted him. I thought, ok, maybe he just wants to let me enjoy it. When I did get in touch he responded quickly & couldn't wait to see me.

We went to a concert & for dinner a week ago. We had a great night & he said he'd missed me and was glad I was back. Cuddled up to me all night & in morning as I left for work, he said he was looking forward to seeing me soon as always.

Then nothing until I contacted him after 5 days (compared to all the calls before). This was about meeting up tomorrow, he read the message yesterday and hasn't responded. I just know he is about to ghost - I feel it in my bones and I also suspect he is seeing someone else because he has not called me for weeks.

It has unexpectedly really upset me. I have cried over it today & I have a really important presentation to give tomorrow which im struggling to concentrate on.

Not sure what I'm looking for...solidarity maybe! Flowers

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 17/11/2021 18:20

If he was just seeing how things go with you and also continuing to date other women that is his perogitive but given you've been having sex I would end it (and get tested) as I think it is disrespectful. This is why I would never sleep with someone without that conversation. It can seem like he's actually into you but really keeping options open. You're not the one for him and can do better than someone like this.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/11/2021 19:07

@WTF475878237NC

If he was just seeing how things go with you and also continuing to date other women that is his perogitive but given you've been having sex I would end it (and get tested) as I think it is disrespectful. This is why I would never sleep with someone without that conversation. It can seem like he's actually into you but really keeping options open. You're not the one for him and can do better than someone like this.
Yeah. Well I don't know if he has also been sleeping with others and that is a key question really. If he has, ugh, and also I have learned my lesson in being clear from the start.

I'm new to online dating!

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Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/11/2021 19:25

@Breakingmad

This actually crossed my mind. Until I went on hol, he was calling all the time. Everything seemed to change when I went away.

But then we saw each other 2 days after I returned - why bother if that was the reason?

What was he like when he saw you? Normal and appropriately interested in your holiday?

Yes. He said he was glad I had had a good break but that he had missed me and glad I was back.

But then didn't bother contacting me for days.

OP posts:

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Lucythewonderdog · 17/11/2021 20:08

It all doesn’t sound great but just give him a call.

WheatlandTerrier · 18/11/2021 18:51

Did you phone him?

babouchette · 18/11/2021 18:57

He's not exactly ghosting you if he is repeatedly calling you and telling you he missed you, is he? Why don't you just have an open conversation with him about why the contact has reduced? Dumping him is an over reaction IMO.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 18/11/2021 18:58

@Lucythewonderdog

It all doesn’t sound great but just give him a call.
I called him and explained how I felt about the lack of contact and it was making me feel less connected/unsure of where we stood.

He cited life stresses (yeah ok) and said he would contact me more. He said he hoped would see me soon and I said well will we? He said what do you mean, don't you want to? Anyway I said my piece and I'm not convinced it will improve things. If he makes and effort this weekend we will see. I will certainly break it off by Mon if not.

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Original poster
Lucia23 · 18/11/2021 18:58

Yes @WheatlandTerrier see my update. He said he feels we have a good connection and doesn't want to lose that. Hmm.

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 18/11/2021 19:38

Honestly fuck that. The updating his dating profile is low, he knows you’ll see that. So he doesn’t have time for you, but he has time for other women!!?!

Original poster
Lucia23 · 18/11/2021 19:44

@Flowers500

Honestly fuck that. The updating his dating profile is low, he knows you’ll see that. So he doesn’t have time for you, but he has time for other women!!?!
I couldn't really conceal how pissed off I was on the phone @Flowers500. I said I need more enthusiasm at this stage. I hardly feel like coercing him into it.

I think it's quite funny that he can spend so long without contacting me then act shocked when I suggest I may not want to meet again! Grin

OP posts:
AnImposter · 18/11/2021 19:47

Going to the bathroom to send private messages, going off grid, updating his profile... 3 strikes, get rid!

Jobsharenightmare · 18/11/2021 19:47

So you know he is actively looking for someone else, although apparently too busy for you with life stress and you've told him you want him to make more of an effort? Raise your standards!

Flowers500 · 18/11/2021 19:49

Honestly I think you need to end it with him. Tell him that his behaviour has been disrespectful, you’re not a stop gap and you don’t date men who treat you like that. You’re not an option and won’t be treated like one.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 18/11/2021 19:53

@Jobsharenightmare

So you know he is actively looking for someone else, although apparently too busy for you with life stress and you've told him you want him to make more of an effort? Raise your standards!
I told him I want him to make of an effort without being told and because that desire should naturally be there - as it was until about 2 weeks ago.

@Flowers500 I don't feel I can bring up the photo thing as it looks like I'm snooping. But I think 'im stressed' as an excuse is a nonsense. He should be worried someone will swoop in!

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Jobsharenightmare · 19/11/2021 00:20

The desire seems to be there alright... for someone else! Why else update his profile? I'm not sure why you're doing this to yourself. I've seen it here before. It's brilliant advice. If a man is into you, you know. If he isn't, you're confused. You never have to tell an interested man to up his game or make more effort.

I'd say texting others in the bathroom, telling you he's been busy, whilst also looking on the app and keeping you around as a stop gap are clear signs he isn't a keeper.

Breakingmad · 19/11/2021 01:14

You never have to tell an interested man to up his game or make more effort.

This is naive. Lots of men don’t make an effort once they think they’ve got a woman on a hook.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 19/11/2021 01:20

@Breakingmad

You never have to tell an interested man to up his game or make more effort.

This is naive. Lots of men don’t make an effort once they think they’ve got a woman on a hook.

Tbh I think you are right @Breakingmad. With an ex, he behaved similarly to this guy in terms of less contact. When I made it clear he had to sort it out or I was walking, he sorted it out and that wasn't why we split.

This guy called me back again later tonight after our first phone call to apologise and ask when he could see me again. I haven't committed to anything yet.

Likewise I am certain there is a lot of sense in what @Jobsharenightmare says too.

OP posts:
YouWouldNotBelieve · 19/11/2021 02:17

There's no need to work yourself up, or be petty. Everything in this thread can be discussed with him. If you know where he lives how about you brace yourself and pop round for a coffee

Flowers500 · 19/11/2021 09:17

You need to speak with him honestly, you’ve seen the photo and he’s been acting like he doesn’t care. You need to communicate this to him, if you don’t feel like you can then that’s something you need to work on for relationships. You should be able to have these kind of conversations with someone you have known for months

Original poster
Lucia23 · 19/11/2021 18:27

Yep @Flowers500 I think I was upset he hasn't been in touch, which put me on the backfoot. Then I saw the photo update which made it worse. Then when he did call I was so annoyed/he was breezy and we couldn't have a normal chat.

I asked him about meeting up tonight via WhatsApp this morning. He was online about midday and didn't read the message/hasn't been on since.

I feel sad about it. I don't know if we'll get a chance to talk or resolve it in some way, I hope so.

OP posts:
CityCommuter · 19/11/2021 20:37

@Lucia23 he's jealous you went on holiday and is punishing you... he sounds insecure and might even think you met someone else while away so he's trying to portray himself as being really busy and not having time to fit you in... updating his photo is immature, he's goading you to see how you'll react... he's full on and has possessive traits so what he really wants is for you to mention the photo (don't btw!)... he wants to appear unbothered about the holiday but it's clear he's very bothered... I guarantee that if you added a new photo he'd bring it up in conversation and would try to make it look like general chit chat...

Do you think he's prone to mind games or have you noticed anything at all that you don't like about him since you've known him? Does he have close friends that he's had for years?

Original poster
Lucia23 · 22/11/2021 22:53

[quote CityCommuter]@Lucia23 he's jealous you went on holiday and is punishing you... he sounds insecure and might even think you met someone else while away so he's trying to portray himself as being really busy and not having time to fit you in... updating his photo is immature, he's goading you to see how you'll react... he's full on and has possessive traits so what he really wants is for you to mention the photo (don't btw!)... he wants to appear unbothered about the holiday but it's clear he's very bothered... I guarantee that if you added a new photo he'd bring it up in conversation and would try to make it look like general chit chat...

Do you think he's prone to mind games or have you noticed anything at all that you don't like about him since you've known him? Does he have close friends that he's had for years?[/quote]
Hi @CityCommuter , I agree he was quite full on at first and I know people like that can just as easily disappear.

So on Friday he phoned me and we talked for an hour. During the chat he said he was working all weekend and asked if we can meet during the week. I said ok & told him to let me know which day.

Haven't heard from him again in 3 days. So tomorrow I'm just going to finish it. What I don't get is why step it up with calls when I said I'm not hearing from him enough, why ask to see me and then go back to the radio silence?

It would make more sense if he just disappeared or didn't bother to ask to see me. I don't get it!

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 22/11/2021 23:04

He's bread crumbing you. I'd dump as it's only been a couple of months and he should be more keen.

Cnp41 · 22/11/2021 23:05

Oh God just end this. End this now missus. He ain't the one. This sounds much too hard and angsty at this very early stage . Throw him back firmly and dont allow yourself to wonder and reminisce etc anymore. This is going on days now. Torture!

Original poster
Lucia23 · 22/11/2021 23:09

I spoke to my friend about it at the weekend @Cnp41 and she said 'well it least he can learn' because he did step up the phone calls after I pointed out I need more connection.

I appreciated dating him so much because he was so consistent before. He always called when he said he would and more, and couldn't wait to see me. It's a complete 180.

But honestly I expect men in the early stages to turn at any point. And the issue is that now I've lost interest because of his behaviour. I'll bite the bullet tomorrow. It's always sad when things end, when they were good to begin with!

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