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Original poster

How can I get my son into school

54 replies

Xmasss · 12/11/2021 08:05

There's alot going on with my son at the moment he's 14. One of the battles is he won't go to school. I have had letters about his attendance and legal action. I keep getting told that there will be a meeting and then court where I would get into trouble. But no one seems to be giving advice on (how) I can get him back. I can't physically touch him. I can't March him to school he's much stronger than me. He admits theres no actual reason for him not to be at school.

There are some other stuff going on. He keeps trying to put himself in care. Again he admits there's no safe garding issues nothing has happened to him at home. He just tells them he wants to go on care because hes angry.

We are trying to put some things I'm place at school there is counselling but he's not going to that as he's refusing school.

Camhs have rejected him but gave other places we could try. Which I have done referrals for and waiting to hear back. I have a someone calling me today to make an assessment. They are set up for me and him to get help together and help us both as he's aggressive towards me and I have admitted that I'm scared if him.

There are other things I have suggested to him like activities spending time together there was a youth project that works with children not attending school. He's refused them all.

A support worker from social services is going to be working with us from next week

OP posts:
Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 08:12

Sorry about typos I was walking and typing

OP posts:
Clocktopus · 12/11/2021 08:16

The education welfare officer should be supporting you with getting him into school. School themselves should be offering support too, are they sending work home for him? If not then I'd ask them for some work for him to do at home.

LIZS · 12/11/2021 08:20

Why does he say he won't go? Does the school gave an Inclusion officer? What is it about being put in Care that seems so attractive, reality is likely very different to his expectations.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families General education SEN
Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 08:25

@Clocktopus

The education welfare officer should be supporting you with getting him into school. School themselves should be offering support too, are they sending work home for him? If not then I'd ask them for some work for him to do at home.
No shes not really done anything just telling me my child benefit could stop. That I can ve taken to court and could end up with a tag or a large fine etc etc. I mean I have called her a couple of times and balled my eyes out when it gets to much Blush she does show empathy etc. But nothing to help actually get him back . We know 100% he won't do the woke. But by the same token nothing has been sent out
OP posts:
Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 08:47

@LIZS

Why does he say he won't go? Does the school gave an Inclusion officer? What is it about being put in Care that seems so attractive, reality is likely very different to his expectations.
He does not give a reason. When he was at school he's laughing with friends etc.

I know he spends alot of time with a friend who's in care. I'm wondering if there's a link there. It's very very odd

OP posts:
Sirzy · 12/11/2021 08:55

If he won’t go to the councillor then she should come to him, is there somewhere else he would be willing to meet her?

The key (which isn’t easy) is getting to why he feels like this then you can tackle that but it will take time.

Good luck!

purpleme12 · 12/11/2021 09:21

I remember your post the other day
It sounds very hard
I don't understand why they bought the rule about taking the parent to court. It's not fair and scary
I don't have advice as mine is much younger I hope people can help on here

Legoisthebest · 12/11/2021 09:27

What is it about school he doesn't like? He could go to a college at 14. No uniform, often treated more grown up, less subjects to do.
A different school? You have the UTCs or Studio Schools which again start at 14 and offer a more specialist education.
Just a different school in general?
(The Education Welfare Officer sounds a load of pants - I am wondering if she is the same person as my daughter's one...)

Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 09:28

@purpleme12

I remember your post the other day It sounds very hard I don't understand why they bought the rule about taking the parent to court. It's not fair and scary I don't have advice as mine is much younger I hope people can help on here
I don't understand either . I get it if the child is younger. But when they get to a certain age its near impossible. Thank you I just pray he will start engaging soon.
OP posts:
Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 09:38

@Legoisthebest

What is it about school he doesn't like? He could go to a college at 14. No uniform, often treated more grown up, less subjects to do. A different school? You have the UTCs or Studio Schools which again start at 14 and offer a more specialist education. Just a different school in general? (The Education Welfare Officer sounds a load of pants - I am wondering if she is the same person as my daughter's one...)
We have been told he cant change school or go to college. Because of gcse? Plus no other school will take him because of his attendance. I'm not sure about the college side of it. Before I was told the above though I did ask him about changing school but he agreed that it's a good school.

I am starting to think maybe she's not as helpful as I thought. All she's really doing is saying the bad things that could happen to me. Tells ds he's got at least 4 years to go yet. Which I don't think was helpful.

I don't know what but I just feel there must be other things they can try /put in place. But saying that ds is not engaging so I don't know.

OP posts:
Legoisthebest · 12/11/2021 09:52

Of course he can change school or switch to a college. They can't hold him hostage in the school he is at now.
Is he in year 10? If he switched now it is only a term into GCSE so it won't mean much catching up to do if it's different subject/exam board.
Also he hasn't got "4 more years". Even if you live in England they do not have to stay at school until 18.
From 16 it's education (either at a school or college)
Apprenticeship which will include a day in college.
Or working a minimum of 20 hours a week while also doing a college course - which doesn't have to be anything to do with the job.
I hate that schools are telling people it's compulsory to stay at school until 18. It's a lie.
Does he have any clue of what he wants to do in the future?

Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 09:58

@Legoisthebest

Of course he can change school or switch to a college. They can't hold him hostage in the school he is at now. Is he in year 10? If he switched now it is only a term into GCSE so it won't mean much catching up to do if it's different subject/exam board. Also he hasn't got "4 more years". Even if you live in England they do not have to stay at school until 18. From 16 it's education (either at a school or college) Apprenticeship which will include a day in college. Or working a minimum of 20 hours a week while also doing a college course - which doesn't have to be anything to do with the job. I hate that schools are telling people it's compulsory to stay at school until 18. It's a lie. Does he have any clue of what he wants to do in the future?
Yes I know some of what she said is rubbish . I know that he can do apprenticeship or go to college 6th forms etc. So there are other options. I'm seeing the support worker on Tuesday I think im going to put this across to her and see if she can help.
OP posts:
Legoisthebest · 12/11/2021 10:01

Good luck. I hope it goes well.
I have a school refuser too and we have had a mix of fantastic help and complete uselessness. You can probably guess which one the Education Welfare Officer came under Grin
Flowers (for you)

Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 10:10

@Legoisthebest

Good luck. I hope it goes well. I have a school refuser too and we have had a mix of fantastic help and complete uselessness. You can probably guess which one the Education Welfare Officer came under Grin Flowers (for you)
Thank you. Can I ask have you been taken to court? If so what happens?
OP posts:
Legoisthebest · 12/11/2021 10:16

Thankfully we never got to the court stage (phew). We did end up with help from social services with Early Help which I know not everyone likes the idea of social services but it did help us out.

Sheldock · 12/11/2021 10:18

Any colleges nearby that take 14-16yr olds? Even part time?
Even UTCs might pique his interest (University Tech College take from 14)

Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 10:20

@Legoisthebest

Thankfully we never got to the court stage (phew). We did end up with help from social services with Early Help which I know not everyone likes the idea of social services but it did help us out.
No I don't like the idea of it either. But I think I was left without a choice. But hopefully they can help put better things in place . Thank you for your advice its definitely been helpful 😊
OP posts:
stingofthebutterfly · 12/11/2021 10:27

Our education welfare officer was useless too. My daughter started refusing to go to school in year 10. The only help we got was that they sent a bus to collect her, but if she didn't go out of the house within 2 minutes of it arriving, they'd drive off without any interaction.
We got threatened with court and fines, so we actually pulled her out of school completely and said we were going to home educate (in reality, we didn't though). She should be in year 13 now, but she doesn't do anything but sit in her room. Her details were passed to the council young people's careers service but aside from a few supportive emails, we haven't had any contact with anyone else. They say you have to be in education until 18 but they don't seem to do anything if you're not.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I really feel for you.

throttlebottom · 12/11/2021 10:36

Your DS may not be able to explain the reasons he doesn't want to go back to school - but that doesn't mean there aren't any. The School have a responsibility to him - and the Local Authority also have a responsibility. Can you get your support worker to help support you in formally asking for help for DS? Make sure you ask in writing, because you need to keep a record of everything you have tried.

Have you written to SENCO and copied in the Head? If not, I would start there.

There is some guidance here which should help - the School shouldn't be threatening you with legal action if they are not meeting their own responsibilities!
www.gov.uk/guidance/mental-health-and-wellbeing-support-in-schools-and-colleges

I don't know where you are, but the advice given at this site is quite good; the advice for young people might help your son start a conversation about how he is feeling.

schools.westsussex.gov.uk/Page/10483

Do think about other schools if this one isn't working - absolutely don't believe the school if they say your son has no other options.

I really hope you get the help you need.

FeedTheW0rlds8 · 12/11/2021 11:15

What does DS do at home when he is not at school ?

Play games ?
Play on mobile phone?

Turn off wi fi & school should be more interesting

Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 11:34

@FeedTheW0rlds8

What does DS do at home when he is not at school ?

Play games ?
Play on mobile phone?

Turn off wi fi & school should be more interesting

If only it was that simple Sad
OP posts:
Sirzy · 12/11/2021 11:39

@FeedTheW0rlds8

What does DS do at home when he is not at school ?

Play games ?
Play on mobile phone?

Turn off wi fi & school should be more interesting

Please don’t listen to advice like this!

Making home hostile isn’t going to help tackle any issues it will only add a new one

Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 11:56

@Sirzy yes I know. I'm not going to do anything that I know will make things worse.

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 12/11/2021 13:28

You have my sympathy OP. You are absolutely right that you can't force a 14 year old into school unwillingly.

It seems that there are mental health issues if he is trying to put himself into care as well. How many days of absence have there been now? If there are more than 15 days (even non consecutive ) then the LA has a legal duty to look at putting alternative provision in place.

If you think there are mental health issues you can also ask for a EHC Needs Assessments which might assist you with accessing mental health services.

As Sirzy said the fact that he can't articulate the reasons doesn't mean there are no reasons for the non attendance. It is very rare that children willingly choose to abstain from education.

As someone else said college for GCSE maths and English is an option for those over 14. There are also options for online or alternative provisions which the LA has a duty to explore.

Your child has a right to an education that is suitable to him. It doesn't have to be at the school he is currently at. if Education Welfare Officers/ The School / LA start talking about attendance fines I would involve your MP and ask the School and LA what adjustments they can make to assist your child .

Finally IPSEA www.ipsea.org.uk and the Not Fine In School Facebook groups are really helpful sources of information.

Good luck.

Original poster
Xmasss · 12/11/2021 14:04

@lifeturnsonadime

You have my sympathy OP. You are absolutely right that you can't force a 14 year old into school unwillingly.

It seems that there are mental health issues if he is trying to put himself into care as well. How many days of absence have there been now? If there are more than 15 days (even non consecutive ) then the LA has a legal duty to look at putting alternative provision in place.

If you think there are mental health issues you can also ask for a EHC Needs Assessments which might assist you with accessing mental health services.

As Sirzy said the fact that he can't articulate the reasons doesn't mean there are no reasons for the non attendance. It is very rare that children willingly choose to abstain from education.

As someone else said college for GCSE maths and English is an option for those over 14. There are also options for online or alternative provisions which the LA has a duty to explore.

Your child has a right to an education that is suitable to him. It doesn't have to be at the school he is currently at. if Education Welfare Officers/ The School / LA start talking about attendance fines I would involve your MP and ask the School and LA what adjustments they can make to assist your child .

Finally IPSEA www.ipsea.org.uk and the Not Fine In School Facebook groups are really helpful sources of information.

Good luck.

Thank you so much . From the advice I have had on this thread it seems the school have not actually done anything they should have done. They definitely have not offered any alternatives. I'm hoping now that a professional is becoming involved that things will start to change. I'm quite shocked that she's not done more. I mean if I was taken to court surely they would ask what support has been offered by the school to get him back into education. I would have to say none. Which would not look good on their part
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