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Original poster

Help Husband may be leaving

61 replies

lotsofmumlove · 10/11/2021 15:39

Hi. Ive been married to my husband 6 years, been together 9. We have a lovely home, two beautiful Children, 18months and 4 years.
Its been challening since two came along, I understand you dont get time as a couple. I was happy with this as i know its the norm and I love my husband very much no matter what. However now i think my husband doesnt want to be with me anymore. Read on....
A week ago i spoke to him how i was feeling, try to remember we are a couple and to remember to cuddle and look after each other as were both tired have a really defiant 4 year old and has burnt us both out., i said I missed intimacy , he said its cos were tired and his new job is a bit tougher and is on his mind alot. This week in the morning i asked if he was ok, as he was not him self. He said he was sad, couldnt put finger on what it was , said hes got a lot on at work, the kids and me, and he just does not want it anymore, wants to be on his own. I asked if he still loves me and he said he thinks he does.. :( That evening is when he dropped the bomb shell he said he felt like we were no longer married , drifted apart, no longer finds me attractive, has felt this way past 6months to a year, and if hadnt had kids we wouldnt be together now.
I just listened to what he had to say. It was so hard, i love him so much and our family, in the end i said he needs to think about what he wants to do, i was happy to work through things, but if he really does not want me then I can not live with that , i did not see it coming. Im so sad me and my kids will be on our own, my poor kids. Ive given him space i go upstairs and leave him downstairs to think and see what happens each day. Any advice , or anyone been in this position and got back together. my heart is broken

OP posts:
Scrapper142 · 10/11/2021 16:08

This is cynical but some of the things he’s said to you sound a lot like “the script” ie ea/ow. You’ve noticed a change recently, but he’s re-writing and making it long-term. Wants to be alone (yeah right!). Not sure what to do, making it all about himself, kids keeping us together. You mention a new job has this started since then?

Take back control, don’t let what happens next be weeks of him toing and froing, given you hope then taking it back. You need to decide what you want. If you want to work on it tell him, but make it clear if he agrees then it’s all in. If he wobbles, then leave. Start thinking about the practicalities of a separation. I know this sounds black and white and in reality would be very difficult, but you need to protect yourself emotionally and practically because he’s not going to do it.

Tell someone in real life for support.

potoforchids · 10/11/2021 16:10

Why does he get to have the leisure of deciding he wants to be alone and away from his family, drop this on you and then bugger off to consider his options? You don't deserve that.

Relationships and families can be hard work sometimes, and require effort, which he needs to understand. If he is suffering with his mental health, he should take some action - visit the GP, for example.

I hope you're okay, this sounds like an awful shock.

UhOhOops · 10/11/2021 16:11

Cherchez la femme...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
ProudAlly · 10/11/2021 16:19

It's the script. I've heard it all before. Like hell does he want to be on his own, it's an OW. So sorry OP

GrandOld · 10/11/2021 16:32

Take back control OP. He doesn't get to leave you hanging like this..

Much else changed in the last 6 months or so ? Another women...?

CoronaPeroni · 10/11/2021 16:39

Who does he think he is deciding he's had enough? Expects you to do it all alone when he can't cope with sharing the load? Watch his face when you ask him who's having the children! That will help determine if it's an OW.

amiafreakofnature · 10/11/2021 16:50

@UhOhOops

Cherchez la femme...
Abso-fucking-lutley
MyMILisLovely · 10/11/2021 16:52

It sounds familiar.
He has probably seen some greener grass

MatildaIThink · 10/11/2021 16:52

A lot of previous posters are jumping to the conclusion that there is another woman, they might be right, or they might be wrong, it could, from the information you have poste could just as easily be depression.

I have seen friends relationships where they had young children really just go through the motions as both were tired and not really getting any time together, they stopped doing couple things and were almost flatmates who happened to be raising children. Most got things back on track, one sounds similar to your husband in that he said he just wanted to be alone, people were adamant there was another woman. In the end there wasn't, he ended up in a tiny flat on his own for nearly two years, a shell of his former self until one of his friends finally persuaded him to get treated for depression. They are not back together, but are friends again, I know she wonders if there were fewer female friends saying there was another woman and having pushed him away that he might have got treatment sooner and they would still be together.

Raising small children can be a big change and a lot of pressure, it sometimes brings things to the surface that people didn't know was there before, try and have a really open conversation with him. Of course if there is another woman then kick him into touch, but also keep in mind that that may not be the issue.

IncompleteSenten · 10/11/2021 16:54

I bloody hate it when men do this. I always wish women would reply with well if that's your decision, I understand. So will you be leaving with the children or should I leave so you can stay in the family home with them?

Simply because it never seems to cross these arseholes minds that maybe, just maybe, they don't get to pack a bag and walk away just assuming their children aren't people they need to care for on day to day basis.

Just to see the look on their fucking faces.

FlickyCrumble · 10/11/2021 16:55

Men rarely leave to live by themselves. As PP's have said, take back some control.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/11/2021 16:56

The fucking Script, yet again. FFS, these men are so bloody predictable.

astoundedgoat · 10/11/2021 16:56

The fact that he has been refusing/avoiding sex with you is worrying. Unless he has historically had a very low sex drive, or he is much older than you, that really would suggest to me that he is having sex elsewhere.

he felt like we were no longer married , drifted apart, no longer finds me attractive - that all sounds a bit suss and like he is writing a narrative to justify whatever he has been getting up to outside the home.

While he's "finding himself" start gathering your paperwork. Evidence of his earnings, joint bank accounts, his pension, making sure (without alerting him) that he doesn't have some giant savings account that he's been squirreling money away into.

Do you work? If not, might be time to dust off the CV and smarten up your LinkedIn.

Derbee · 10/11/2021 16:56

@UhOhOops

Cherchez la femme...
Yes, sorry OP but I’d prepare yourself for finding out about OW
Buildingthefuture · 10/11/2021 16:57

I have to agree with PP, this sounds very much like "the script". I might be completely wrong of course, and I hope I am. But, if I was you, I would be doing some digging on his phone, emails, bank statements etc to see what's what. This is not a popular opinion here on MN but I believe forewarned is forearmed. I would have a dig about, see what you find and then discuss it further.

astoundedgoat · 10/11/2021 16:58

@IncompleteSenten

I bloody hate it when men do this. I always wish women would reply with well if that's your decision, I understand. So will you be leaving with the children or should I leave so you can stay in the family home with them?

Simply because it never seems to cross these arseholes minds that maybe, just maybe, they don't get to pack a bag and walk away just assuming their children aren't people they need to care for on day to day basis.

Just to see the look on their fucking faces.

This a billion times over.
Capferret · 10/11/2021 17:00

Agree. Almost certainly another woman.
Sorry OP.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 10/11/2021 17:10

@IncompleteSenten

I bloody hate it when men do this. I always wish women would reply with well if that's your decision, I understand. So will you be leaving with the children or should I leave so you can stay in the family home with them?

Simply because it never seems to cross these arseholes minds that maybe, just maybe, they don't get to pack a bag and walk away just assuming their children aren't people they need to care for on day to day basis.

Just to see the look on their fucking faces.

Yes. This.
1forAll74 · 10/11/2021 17:33

It sounds like he wouldn't be much use,to anothern woman in this confused mindset. His views are the typical ones, for someone who decides that their life has become a bit humdrum, and they NEED space, Could be a wimpish viewpoint on life. You need to get to grips with everything now, discussions, and honesty all round.

Muchmorethan · 10/11/2021 17:37

@IncompleteSenten

I bloody hate it when men do this. I always wish women would reply with well if that's your decision, I understand. So will you be leaving with the children or should I leave so you can stay in the family home with them?

Simply because it never seems to cross these arseholes minds that maybe, just maybe, they don't get to pack a bag and walk away just assuming their children aren't people they need to care for on day to day basis.

Just to see the look on their fucking faces.

I responded to my XH when l discovered the OW, that EOW is now his and half of all school holidays.

4 years later l still chuckle to myself at the look on his face and the stuttering response...

JustHereWithPopcorn · 10/11/2021 17:58

Can you pack a bag and go stay with a friend or family for a few days/week? Leave him to organise kids and do the day to day chores and see how he gets on without you. Take back some control and stay strong Thanks

BumblePan · 10/11/2021 18:10

@JustHereWithPopcorn
I agree with this! He has had time to mull over things, so OP needs time alone to process this.

Original poster
lotsofmumlove · 10/11/2021 18:31

Thankyou everyone . I asked him if there was another women. He said no when would I find the time , and with how I’m feeling wanting to be on my own…..
I did try to do some digging unfortunately got busted and couldn’t get in , I said I was sorry, he said there was no need for it!

He said home feels like a prison. I suggested he have time on his own go for a walk go to parents. But said no he hasn’t any friends really , he said .
Yes I did say you need to think about what you want either we work through it but will be hard or you leaving me with the kids..

Last night just stayed upstairs gave him space downstairs .

It’s soo hard I havnt eaten I’m shell shocked . It’s not the future I thought me and our children would have. ( if this is what’s happening ) I feel sick . A failure.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/11/2021 18:35

He said home feels like a prison.

And I hope you immediately told him to go fuck himself. A prison? What a fucking prick. For that alone I would kick him out.

There is another woman, I'd bet my house on it. Tell the selfish, insulting, ungrateful prick to get out, and stop pandering to this idiot.

MyMILisLovely · 10/11/2021 18:45

You are not a failure. You are a good kind person.
I bet you there is an OW.

Read about The Script.
Basically the man denies there's an OW.
He makes it all to be the DW's fault.
She splits up from him
He 'wins' as he wasn't the one who split the family. He's the good guy.
DW is a psycho or is menopausal or has PMT or something. It is never his fault.
He moves out and moves in with OW very soon after.

You probably feel winded.

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