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Original poster

Help Husband may be leaving

61 replies

lotsofmumlove · 10/11/2021 15:39

Hi. Ive been married to my husband 6 years, been together 9. We have a lovely home, two beautiful Children, 18months and 4 years.
Its been challening since two came along, I understand you dont get time as a couple. I was happy with this as i know its the norm and I love my husband very much no matter what. However now i think my husband doesnt want to be with me anymore. Read on....
A week ago i spoke to him how i was feeling, try to remember we are a couple and to remember to cuddle and look after each other as were both tired have a really defiant 4 year old and has burnt us both out., i said I missed intimacy , he said its cos were tired and his new job is a bit tougher and is on his mind alot. This week in the morning i asked if he was ok, as he was not him self. He said he was sad, couldnt put finger on what it was , said hes got a lot on at work, the kids and me, and he just does not want it anymore, wants to be on his own. I asked if he still loves me and he said he thinks he does.. :( That evening is when he dropped the bomb shell he said he felt like we were no longer married , drifted apart, no longer finds me attractive, has felt this way past 6months to a year, and if hadnt had kids we wouldnt be together now.
I just listened to what he had to say. It was so hard, i love him so much and our family, in the end i said he needs to think about what he wants to do, i was happy to work through things, but if he really does not want me then I can not live with that , i did not see it coming. Im so sad me and my kids will be on our own, my poor kids. Ive given him space i go upstairs and leave him downstairs to think and see what happens each day. Any advice , or anyone been in this position and got back together. my heart is broken

OP posts:
BackBackBack · 10/11/2021 18:57

He wants to be on his own? Yep. If by 'his own' he actually means off shagging Kirsty from Accounting.

This absolutely screams the script.

If home feels like a prison then tell him to pack a bag and go to his parents. "I need space" normally translates to "I want to go and shag another woman, but I'm not going to tell you that, so in the meantime I will take full advantage of you doing all of the childcare and grunt work, and waiting on me hand and foot to try and convince me to stay".

Don't tiptoe round him or tie yourself in knots trying to make the house feel 'nice' for him. If he's not happy then he needs to go - and that way he can get the space he so desperately wants in his parents' spare room.

Hodgehog · 10/11/2021 19:46

A prison hmmm ?

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there fuck off some more.

Jesus.

I’d stop doing anything for him no cooking no laundry no nothing. And tell him to move out while you decide what you want to do.

Not him. He doesn’t get to decide for you and hold it over you.

Dillydollydingdong · 10/11/2021 19:56

"so presumably you'll be taking the kids with you?" Tell him you're tired of all this shit, you need a holiday and he needs some practice looking after the DC.
You're making it too easy for him OP. And, like others have said, cherchez la femme!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Alicesweewonders · 10/11/2021 20:02

What's the Script? Is it a film??

cptartapp · 10/11/2021 20:13

Well, other woman or not he can't be on his own, not for the next 18 years. He can go find himself by all means, but make sure to ask him which half of the week he's doing sole 24/7 childcare of the two young DC he chose to have.

BackBackBack · 10/11/2021 20:14

@Alicesweewonders

What's the Script? Is it a film??
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script
MyMILisLovely · 10/11/2021 20:16

@Alicesweewonders, not a film. It's a set pattern of what men say when there is an OW.

BackBackBack · 10/11/2021 20:17

Sorry just realised a crucial post was deleted from that thread. Try this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Fireflygal · 10/11/2021 20:27

Op, how long has he been in the new job? What do you know about the people he works with.

I'm in agreement with others, he has had his head turned and likely talking to someone about family life and his "prison".

Would he let you see his phone?

WonderfulYou · 10/11/2021 20:46

I have to disagree with some of the PPs.
Sometimes we fall out of love with our partners and that’s ok.

There have been many threads were women have been advised to leave their partners because they’re not happy and I don’t think it should be any different for the man.
I don’t think it means there’s an OW on the scene.

He is telling you he is unhappy.
PPs seem to think it’s better if he just left without warning which he could do but I think him telling you how he feels shows he still cares for you.
He actually sounds very down and could even be depressed.

Do you have anyone to watch the kids this weekend?
I’d have a proper honest conversation with each other and find out exactly what he’s unhappy about and what would make it better. I would then tell him to go to the GP or even couples therapy as it sounds like he might need a bit of extra help.
Tell him to see the GP and see if anti-depressants help.

It would be unfair to the children if he left before Xmas so he could try and make it work and see how he feels in January after being on anti-depressants.

GoodVibesHere · 10/11/2021 20:56

I agree he sounds depressed. Having young children is a strain on both parents and sometimes on the marriage.

SmellyOldOwls · 10/11/2021 21:02

@WonderfulYou

I have to disagree with some of the PPs. Sometimes we fall out of love with our partners and that’s ok.

There have been many threads were women have been advised to leave their partners because they’re not happy and I don’t think it should be any different for the man.
I don’t think it means there’s an OW on the scene.

He is telling you he is unhappy.
PPs seem to think it’s better if he just left without warning which he could do but I think him telling you how he feels shows he still cares for you.
He actually sounds very down and could even be depressed.

Do you have anyone to watch the kids this weekend?
I’d have a proper honest conversation with each other and find out exactly what he’s unhappy about and what would make it better. I would then tell him to go to the GP or even couples therapy as it sounds like he might need a bit of extra help.
Tell him to see the GP and see if anti-depressants help.

It would be unfair to the children if he left before Xmas so he could try and make it work and see how he feels in January after being on anti-depressants.

Yeah but women generally become unhappy with their partner because he's a lazy shit who lets her work like a donkey looking after kids and house while he swans around like he's gods gift because he went to work for a few hours EVEN IF the woman is working too.

Men become unhappy when there's someone shiny and new massaging their ego, and (they hope) their penis.

Tale as old as time. Sorry OP.

GingerFreaker · 10/11/2021 21:06

Sorry to hear your husband's a dick.

Use your time wisely. Do not allow him to push you into a situation you are not happy with. Here are my suggestions:

  1. Secure the roof over your head. Get details of your mortgage / rental details.
  2. Are you working? If yes, enough hours for assistance with universal credit? If not, find work ASAP.
  3. If you do not already have a sole bank account, open one ASAP.
  4. Get copies of all bank accounts, any financial assets.
  5. Get details of any debts, single or joint.
  6. If you have joint assets in the bank, take what you need for short term to provide for the children, and inform the bank that there is a marital dispute. The accounts will be frozen.
  7. If you have joint overdraft facilities, inform the bank that it is not to be used. Do not allow your h to run up a debt you will be liable for.
  8. Take photos of any high value assets in the home. They always get taken🙄
  9. Speak to a solicitor.
10. Be selective who you confide in.

Assume that he's halfway out the door. If you do the above he can't blindside you.

I wish you well.

tipOver · 10/11/2021 21:13

So sorry op xx

Alicesweewonders · 10/11/2021 21:42

Thanks

Wow, that's some read.

Bloody hell

RhubarbLeaf · 10/11/2021 21:43

Depression sounds very possible. It changes perceptions and can make someone behave very selfishly whilst believing they are quite rational. Can you suggest this might be the case and insist he sees a doctor? (And don't blame yourself, it is not your fault!)

VladmirsPoutine · 10/11/2021 21:53

I hate to say it but this very much sounds like the beginning of the end. Even if you were to get through this particular bit how could you rebuild trust. Two young children and everything you thought you knew about your life suddenly is dangling by a string. I'm sorry OP.

Skyla2005 · 10/11/2021 22:11

Check his phone

thenewduchessofhastings · 10/11/2021 22:20

He has a new job and his behaviour has changed and he's trotting out the good old script......

I smell the presence of a female work colleague who he wants to be more than colleagues with.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 10/11/2021 22:22

Mine used this script. He had depression. Had it for years. He only used the script when he thought a French trollop he worked with was the cure he needed.

Make him go to counselling with you. If he won't, kick him out. It may or may not be another woman but however this plays out having a relationship counsellor will absolutely help you in this situation.

mandajmo · 10/11/2021 22:29

@IncompleteSenten

I bloody hate it when men do this. I always wish women would reply with well if that's your decision, I understand. So will you be leaving with the children or should I leave so you can stay in the family home with them?

Simply because it never seems to cross these arseholes minds that maybe, just maybe, they don't get to pack a bag and walk away just assuming their children aren't people they need to care for on day to day basis.

Just to see the look on their fucking faces.

This, love it!
Lollyneenah · 10/11/2021 23:27

Sorry you're going through this.
I could have written your post word for word 10 years ago.
He even called the samaritans for his 'depression'
Turns out his 'depression'was a girl called alexandra, who lived 60 miles away from me in a city he worked in every other weekend x
You WILL be okay OP. Really will. Gather together your important documents and find out what you are entitled to Flowers

Original poster
lotsofmumlove · 07/12/2021 08:33

Thank you all for your comments . Since this he spoke to parents about his feelings . He said it’s resentment he has towards me that’s built up over time from going along with things and not saying anything about it, for example giving up a hobby as it was lockdown and we had two children , giving away a pet as unable to take care of it properly with us working full time and having children who he says he misses every day …
He told me he thinks he needs councilling and to put my big girl socks on while he sorts himself out doesn’t know what he wants if he loves me etc etc … gave him his space it had been 4 weeks all fine round the children happy we eat tea together talk about our day and then we sit in seperate rooms…
After 4 weeks it was getting hard doing that and I asked where he was at he said still the same place he said he likes being on his own in the kitchen whilst I’m sat in another room it’s his time wind down, after being at work and pleasing everyone at work he feels he’s always been pleasing everyone …
I’ve told him to go back doing his hobby hoping it will help and to get on with the councelling….
Not sure how long I can do this but I don’t want to push him..
at same time it’s heartbreaking for me … not knowing. I looks out for hope every day any little things he does for me that are nice still which he does it’s the small things.

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 11/01/2022 16:10

@lotsofmumlove

It's been over a month since you last posted;how are things?

Havilland · 11/01/2022 16:42

Once they decide in their mind they’ve gone off you it’s nigh on impossible that they will change their mind.

Sadly, some people in a relationship feel that they have to be the centre of their partners attention and when children come along they can’t cope and they then have an affair or split and go off with someone else. And rinse and repeat.

The grass will always look greener on the other side when in reality they can not grasp that the world doesn’t revolve around them and they will always be searching.

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