So rude people know they're rude?

[squeakyfluffy]

After having a rude encounter with a customer today in work, it actually got me thinking... do rude people know that they are rude? Or is it something they are completely unaware of? Do they mean to be ignorant and simply not care? Like for example I'm always very upbeat, chatty, outgoing but has there been a time where someone has thought I was extremely rude that I was completely unaware of. Of does it boil down to how sensitive and easily offended we as individuals are?

I hope you understand what I'm saying...

What's your thoughts?

I told a customer in a very polite professional manner that his emails were rude and effectively he needed to stop behaving this way. His response was pretty much “so what” ? So yes I think people know they are being rude but they think it’s fine and expect the rest of us to accept it. I have other customers I now refuse to deal with because I just won’t tolerate it anymore.

I agree that the real rude people are those who think they know the intentions of other people. There is something really ugly about taking pleasure in "calling out" the behaviour of other people. Most people are just trying to get by, some will be struggling, some will be frustrated or distracted, there are very few people who think enough of you to want to give you a personal slight.

Its hard to define rude as there are all sorts of different norms and etiquettes. I do agree that some people do deliberately interact with others with little regard for their feelings though which always feels rude to the other person.

My mother is rude. I don’t think she is generally aware, because to be aware would involve seeing the encounter from the other person’s perspective, which is something she doesn’t do.

If pushed, she will say that the other person is over-sensitive or that societal norms are designed for the over-sensitive, or else claim it’s a free speech issue.

@JumperandJacket

My mother is rude. I don’t think she is generally aware, because to be aware would involve seeing the encounter from the other person’s perspective, which is something she doesn’t do.

If pushed, she will say that the other person is over-sensitive or that societal norms are designed for the over-sensitive, or else claim it’s a free speech issue.

Yes, my mother is just the same. I challenged her about the fact that she often puts the phone down on me during a conversation if she doesn’t agree with me. I told her this really upsets me and it’s rude. Her response was ‘well it’s the end of the conversation’. For her. She just doesn’t see how rude it is. She’s frequently rude theses days.

It depends, my partner and his family can be disgustingly, horrifically rude and when I point it out to my partner (who is the politest member of his family but definitely has his moments) he genuinley has no idea why something is rude or why it might upset someone. I'm convinced my MIL and FIL must know that the things they say are just nasty though but I am also convinced that alot of people come out to eat specifically in order to abuse the waiting staff because nobody can be that vile for no reason.

I was deliberately rude in a bank early last year where I went in to get my ID scanned for a PPI refund. She kept discussing it with my partner and ignoring me because she noticed I was wearing a sunflower lanyard (I wear it because I sometimes need a bit more mental processing time in conversations) and when I reminded her that I'm the customer she pointed to my lanyard and said “this means you've brought your carer”

I'm really ashamed when I think back on my response but I ended up with an apology in person and a bouquet of flowers delivered.

@TurnUpTurnip

I don’t think everyone that’s rude is autistic (as someone who has an autistic child) some people are just rude!

Same.

My autistic child can be 'rude' - sometimes she appears to ignore people when they speak to her, sometimes she interrupts people and blurts stuff out in a long dialogue and sometimes she speaks very bluntly. (She is 5). I'm working on it with her, using social stories etc but that is part and parcel of her ASD. Some adults will have these difficulties too, especially undiagnosed ones of which there are many.

Some people however are just downright rude and obnoxious with no social difficulties. I have met lots in my old line of work Do they know? Probably. Do they care? Probably not!

My MIL is really rude to staff in cafes. She’s just horrible generally. She is just misanthropic and thinks it’s acceptable.

My husband is being assessed for autism (he’s definitely autistic). He’s very polite in shops and restaurants (in a formulaic way).

@MoreAloneTime

I agree that the real rude people are those who think they know the intentions of other people. There is something really ugly about taking pleasure in "calling out" the behaviour of other people. Most people are just trying to get by, some will be struggling, some will be frustrated or distracted, there are very few people who think enough of you to want to give you a personal slight.

Its hard to define rude as there are all sorts of different norms and etiquettes. I do agree that some people do deliberately interact with others with little regard for their feelings though which always feels rude to the other person.

Thing is I can usually tell, by the way the person is and what they say if they're distracted or just not paying attention etc or just intent on showing their superiority over me. When I was customer facing I didn't get offended by people who didn't fawn all over me, weren't that polite (didn't say please or thank you etc) or who didn't pay me much mind, they're not there for me, they're there for the product and service I'm selling. It was the ones who went out of their way to try and embarrass me, to make me look bad, to catch me out in some way that pissed me off because there really is no need or excuse for that behaviour. And the ones that were aggressive and nasty in their interactions. There's a world of difference in someone not saying thank you after a transaction or meal being delivered to a table and being called a useless cunt because you can't serve them across the bar due to the covid restrictions......... Or being threatened with physical violence because you haven't got a table left and they didn't book anyway. All of which I've been on the recieving end of.

How can an asp be rude? Do they speak their mind? Tell it as it is?

Btw the U.K. is extremely sensitive to what rude is supposed to mean. It is borderline over the top. I bet when visiting other countries they must are in utter shock. Not a criticism but an observation.

Must be I meant

The difference between rude people and the rest is that most of us will immediately apologise if we realise we've inadvertently said the wrong thing or offended someone.

The thing about mothers putting the phone down - mine went through a phase of doing this. It was most frustrating. I think it's to do with being in control, when you're not happy in your life. Rude people aren't happy, are they? Unless they're thick.

I can't be rude even to scammers or cold callers without feeling terrible afterwards. I do tell them forcefully to not ring me again, but I wonder how much choice they have to do that job, especially those from e.g. India or Malaysia.

Sometimes. I have been deliberately rude on occasion, and I have also been accidentally rude an awful lot more. So I guess it comes down to situation, how confrontational it is. Sometimes people are accidentally rude/insensitive.

I know two adults with diagnosed with autism, one is rude to the point he may get a punch on the nose one day from a stranger, the other really isn’t rude at all.

I heard a man tell a barista to fuck off at the weekend. All the barista had said was please can you step back off the step, there’s a sign about queueing. The man was about 45, expensive clothing, his partner then said I’m sick of all these bloody rules. They stomped off. I know my Mother would have said they were lower class. They were just entitled pricks who were the sort who are probably rude to staff in shops and cafes in an attempt to make themselves feel superior.

There is being a bit blunt and to the point and there was the behaviour of that man, I would imagine he knows what he is doing and enjoys it.

My son has ASD and he is perceived as rude, he sees it as always telling the truth. He doesn't understand how to balance telling the truth with people's feelings.

I'm overweight and very well spoken, thanks to my mother constantly correcting my speech.
I'm often described as rude. Perhaps I am, but I feel like I'm nice to everyone. But I think people assume I'm a "Karen".

For what it's worth, I haven't complained about any service I have received in about a decade. Once I ate a raw potato in a really expensive restaurant, to be polite! 😂

A few days ago I went into the post office and my handbag fell off the counter as I leaned to the side, to push the parcel through the gap for bigger parcels. The post office lady said I didn't need to "throw things around" just because my parcel was too big for the smaller slot. She though I was having a temper tantrum! I was so surprised and tried to apologise but she said she was "sick of rude people like me" and said my "bad attitude" was written all over my face as soon as I walked in. (Resting Karen Face??)

I'm pregnant and hormonal so a few tears slipped out and then she called me "blubbering". Shit like this happens to me way more than it should and my DH does agree with me that it's the way I look.

So, I'm not sure all rude people do know that they're rude. I honestly don't feel like I'm rude. But I am a bit fat. And in the wild, it's the same thing. 🤦🏻‍♀️

A lot of work emails to me/group start out with "I hope you are well"

i tend to write emails omitting the salutations ("Dear xxx") and the "hope you are well" bits. I also prefer not to sign off -- so written like texts, I suppose.

First thing you do with an email is see who sent it, and you don't need a "Dear x" statement unless other people are cc'd (sight only) . You know who you are (!!)

I'm probably pegged as outrageiously blunt and therefore rude in emails. Soz. I think I'm obviously the only sensible one, still.

I go to places with "servers" too rarely to know what I'm like there.

Mostly I try not to offer up my opinions to anyone. Most of the time, most people only care about their own opinions. Not mine. Makes it easier to not state something offensive.

I'm pretty good at letting other traffic go first but not perfect. I argue that it's outrageously rude to demand a thank you (like if you let another car go first). I don't need to be thanked for failing to behave selfishly so I fail to understand people who resent no thank you because they refrained from being selfish.

One person’s RUDE might be another person’s being DIRECT?

I prefer to email or message people because I’ll initially write out the important bit of the message then I’ll go back and add in the social niceties to be polite.

However, when speaking to people, I’ll usually get straight to the point and sometimes forget to add in the ‘how are you, how’s your husband, child etc…?’ In my head the important bit is at the forefront and I have to say it out loud. I guess it might be seen as rude but I can’t communicate any differently.

If someone asks me what I think of the dress they’re wearing, hairstyle etc. I’ll give my honest opinion. However, I also want people to be straightforward with me in return. Saying one thing when you mean another doesn’t work for me as I won’t realise you don’t intend to do X.

One person’s RUDE might be another person’s being DIRECT?

Yes, you say this.

I used to know someone who's Dutch (IME, the Dutch pride themselves on being 'direct'). She would always be exceptionally rude and swan off leaving people feeling offended in her wake. At some point I became bored with this and pointed out 'Els, you know, people don't find you plainspoken, they just think you are being rude'.

She was most offended and has barely spoken to me since.

I see that 'direct' only works one way!

Culturally there are a lot of differences between what is acceptable. People have different views on speaking one’s mind. I moved to where I live from another part of the country a long time ago. Here, my social circles are very averse to any honest debate - it’s deemed rude and bad manners. But where I come from people just like to pile in without too many airs and graces and are more honest and genuine.

As a result of this I get myself into trouble a lot and people tell me I’m direct and blunt. Whereas I think they skirt around things so as not to offend and are a bit wet.

We still mix and get on despite it all.

I think everyone can be rude or appear as rude at times rather than just being a rude person in general. I like to think I'm a nice person but there's been times when I've been short with people when I'm not well or in a bad mood and though I'd always use basic manners, I might not seem friendly or interested. I'm also shy and not a fan of small talk, so I may seem rude before people get to know me.

@grooveonthemove

Most 'rude' people don't give a shit. They go about their day being dismissive and obnoxious and don't lose any sleep about their behaviour.

This. I have a business where we offer a form of health care. Most clients are lovely but some are extremely rude, obnoxious and entitled.

I had one lady who was shouting at her partner in my clinic in front of other clients, she insisted on a free appointment because she didn't received the desired results she wanted which was absolutely out of my hands. I told her to rebook in a couple of days, she then bullied my receptionist to come back the same day. I had already told her that having another appointment the same day wouldn't change the out come. But she came back two hours later and low and behold she still didn't get the desired out come - as I had told her.

She then phoned my receptionist shouting at her down the phone. I spoke to her and asked what it was she was looking for to resolve this, she wanted a full refund, so to get rid of her I gave her one. We had only been open a couple of weeks and it really upset me tbh that a grown adult was behaving in such an aggressive and unhinged way.

A couple of months later I seen her name pop up on appointment schedule. I rang her to discuss how I was feeling about her coming in after how she behaved last time. She was really shocked. Said she was a really nice person and was just having a bad day...

I had one person give me a shitty review because I suggested they speak to their GP about concerning problems they were telling me. I have to because off duty of care to try and at least sign post them if they may need assistance. Apparently I was intrusive. I never asked one question.

I also had a client have a go at my receptionist as they only put 80p in the carpark and had to leave before being seen as they turned up before we had even opened.I ruined her day apparently. They never checked the opening times.

Some people are just absolute arseholes.

@SarahAndQuack

One person’s RUDE might be another person’s being DIRECT?

Yes, you say this.

I used to know someone who's Dutch (IME, the Dutch pride themselves on being 'direct'). She would always be exceptionally rude and swan off leaving people feeling offended in her wake. At some point I became bored with this and pointed out 'Els, you know, people don't find you plainspoken, they just think you are being rude'.

She was most offended and has barely spoken to me since.

I see that 'direct' only works one way!

Ha! My DH family are dutch.The women are like amazonians and very plain speaking

I think Aspie's/ASD people I've known don't know unless someone tells them and even then they can forget.

Other rude people I've known, a couple have said 'Oh I know I'm rude, just the way I am'.

If I'm rude (occasionally) - more blunt than anything, yes, I know sometimes I'm rude but in certain situations/with certain people rudeness is the only way to get through to others - being treated like a doormat hasn't helped! I don't like to be rude though.

Mixitupalot I don't know how you didn't have an accident with that drink!

OP I tend to think rude people know they're rude.

fournonblondes do you mean that you think English people are OTT polite and we'd be surprised at what is normal in other countries?

My mum is from another country. She was very ill a few years ago and her appearance is permanently altered. Her English friends say nothing about it but she stopped socialising with some from the country she was born in because they go on about it. Fortunately she is learning to say "fuck em" about those people.

In the end, if they don't realise they're being rude, that's still a good reason to avoid them because they're either rude, or thick as mince.