So rude people know they're rude?

[squeakyfluffy]

After having a rude encounter with a customer today in work, it actually got me thinking... do rude people know that they are rude? Or is it something they are completely unaware of? Do they mean to be ignorant and simply not care? Like for example I'm always very upbeat, chatty, outgoing but has there been a time where someone has thought I was extremely rude that I was completely unaware of. Of does it boil down to how sensitive and easily offended we as individuals are?

I hope you understand what I'm saying...

What's your thoughts?

I think genuinely rude people just don't care. On the odd occasion I've been rude to someone (usually on the phone to call centres when I'm at the end of my tether) I absolutely cringe afterwards and hate myself for it. I've even emailed afterwards to apologise .

I think it definitely varies as to whether being rude or not is deliberate.

I also find that that the rudest people I know are those that assume that they KNOW the intention of everyone they interact with and immediately assume rudeness (on the other's part) when the interaction doesn't go the way they expect.

I appreciate it is sometimes absolutely clear, but am also aware that my experience may not be what the other intended - or even considered. They are, naturally, more focussed on their own experience rather than mine.

I have enough self awareness to know that when I have been rude it has been because I’ve been in a bad place and taking out my frustrations on others who do not deserve it. I’m not proud of it

I think it's a total mix. I know I have said really rude things that I absolutely kicked myself for later - you know how when you don't think about how it sounds, but there's that awful moment of stillness and you go over what you said? But also sometimes you offend someone without having the slightest idea at the time.

I definitely agree with a PP that people who take pride in 'being honest' or 'saying it like it is' are usually fully aware they are being rude.

I have once done the then-much-recommended MN thing of replying 'did you mean to be so rude' to someone and it was awful, she was gobsmacked and obviously quite upset. That said she had just asked me if there was something 'wrong with you' that I'd had recurrent miscarriages and if DD was mine, all in one breath, so I didn't feel that bad about saying it and do hope it taught her a fairly necessary lesson in Not Doing That.

My parents are both appallingly rude and have no idea. It just makes me cringe. I recently had to do with writing some business letters with my dad, and we were mutually stunned at what the other considered a normal style of communication.

I've been rude deliberately to cold callers, scam callers etc.

Should I just put down the phone and ignore them? Maybe
Do I want to be rude to them? Kind of, yes.but that is probably a reflection on me.

I know, but only afterwards. I genuinely don’t mean to be rude, but I’m aware of how I can come across. I worry about it a lot

My friend has discovered what she calls an inner confidence since recently turning 50.

It manifests itself in rude, entitled behaviour. It’s embarrassing as she often does it when we’re out. She complains a lot and demands a lot of attention. It makes me cringe and I don’t know what to do about it other than stand there with my mouth open.

She does manage to get what she wants by complaining, gets same day appointments at the gp, wangled an early vaccine for her dc etc etc. She acts like she is a special case, it’s awful. It’s driving me away.

I’ve worked in retail for 17 years and I can confirm there are different types of rude people... those who are inadvertently rude, the ones who are rude because like a previous poster said they know the cashier can’t say anything so basically being an arrogant fuck...
Then you have the people you can tell are anxious and stressed.
I pride my customer service based on the reaction I get when I say hi.

@Lollolloll

My friend has discovered what she calls an inner confidence since recently turning 50.

It manifests itself in rude, entitled behaviour. It’s embarrassing as she often does it when we’re out. She complains a lot and demands a lot of attention. It makes me cringe and I don’t know what to do about it other than stand there with my mouth open.

She does manage to get what she wants by complaining, gets same day appointments at the gp, wangled an early vaccine for her dc etc etc. She acts like she is a special case, it’s awful. It’s driving me away.

That's really funny as where we work we have discovered that there is a definite shift around the age of 50 where women get more and more rude. It's really noticeable.

@Lollolloll

My friend has discovered what she calls an inner confidence since recently turning 50.

It manifests itself in rude, entitled behaviour. It’s embarrassing as she often does it when we’re out. She complains a lot and demands a lot of attention. It makes me cringe and I don’t know what to do about it other than stand there with my mouth open.

She does manage to get what she wants by complaining, gets same day appointments at the gp, wangled an early vaccine for her dc etc etc. She acts like she is a special case, it’s awful. It’s driving me away.

I dunno if it’s getting ruder or just a lower tolerance for bullshit 😅

I know someone who’s extremely rude. My theory is that she feels inferior and she likes to bring other people down. As the saying goes, some people like to cut the heads off others to make themselves feel taller. It’s intentional, and a very sad way to live.

I think I’m often rude without meaning to be. Never assume others intentions - often perceived “rudeness” is because we assume whatever it is is in fact on purpose. If we knew the slight or whatever it was was completely unintentional - we probably wouldn’t see rudeness. 80% of the time it is unintentional or misconstrued.

With scammers I always say: Does your mother know you do this for a living?

It always annoys them, which is very satisfying.

As for older women getting more arsey, I can see this. Before I married I was a champion polite but very firm complainer. DH appropriated this role when we married, and I noted my own embarrassment when he complained. DD also cringed, though he was never rude. He died a few years ago and now I’m back in the saddle. Interestingly DD now says she really learned from her dad and sticks up for herself.
To get to the point, is the rude older woman syndrome linked to widowhood, the need to be visible, or is it the crone noted by Germaine Greer in her badly-written “Menopause”, liberated from the “need” to be desirable?

Anyway, not condoning rudeness, and you can bet it’s deliberate when the target is those who can’t retaliate, e.g service staff.

We stayed in a bed and breakfast recently and the person serving breakfast was really quite rude to us and other guests. He kept saying ‘it’s just my sense of humour’. No, he was being passive aggressive and dressing it up as being ‘funny’. Just being rude and he knows he was being rude.

@minou123

I've been rude deliberately to cold callers, scam callers etc.

Should I just put down the phone and ignore them? Maybe
Do I want to be rude to them? Kind of, yes.but that is probably a reflection on me.

It’s completely okay to be rude to cold callers and scammers!!

@Ilikewinter

I think that people who are rude to staff do so because they know the member of staff will need to bite their tongue.

Yes, cowardly really, being rude to people that you know can't defend themselves, typical bully behaviour and not an attractive quality.

for me it's both.

I have ADHD so lack of impulse control doesn't help. I'm pretty sure I do & say stuff others don't like. ho hum.
I don't like a lot of things other people do but don't care hoe ot comes across so I don't see why I should worry about it.

Also I'm Hungarian and despise faux British politeness. I don't buy it and I refuse to mimic it. I'm usually straightforward and honest - what you see is what you get.
some people no doubt consider that rude, blunt, arrogant etc and get butthurt.
I don't much care.

At other times (very rarely) I choose to be mean. It's seldom unprovoked, I usually try to hold it back at first but then just lose it and I guess I justify it by "she started it!"

Oh god. DH has recently discovered what he calls his "New Forthrightness" and he's really proud of it. It boils down to giving himself permission to be an ass. He's rude and obnoxious and I'm embarrassed for him.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

I’m an Aspie.

I’m always being rude without meaning to. Things just come out wrong. All of the time. Every day.

It’s really exhausting.

Same I always mean well, I'm just come across to honest and blunt, it's my disability and I can't change that

@echt

With scammers I always say: Does your mother know you do this for a living?

It always annoys them, which is very satisfying.

As for older women getting more arsey, I can see this. Before I married I was a champion polite but very firm complainer. DH appropriated this role when we married, and I noted my own embarrassment when he complained. DD also cringed, though he was never rude. He died a few years ago and now I’m back in the saddle. Interestingly DD now says she really learned from her dad and sticks up for herself.
To get to the point, is the rude older woman syndrome linked to widowhood, the need to be visible, or is it the crone noted by Germaine Greer in her badly-written “Menopause”, liberated from the “need” to be desirable?

Anyway, not condoning rudeness, and you can bet it’s deliberate when the target is those who can’t retaliate, e.g service staff.

In my friends case it isn’t widowhood.

I think it could be the need to be visible and could be menopause related.

It’s strange because it’s been quite a change in personality as she used to be more self deprecating.

I can only describe it as a weird attention seeking behaviour, and is doggedly determined to get her own way, even if it means others having to wait.

At other times she has started being “flirtatious” with people she doesn’t know well, and also giving too much personal information in conversations with people she doesn’t know well. For example talking about personal (gynae) medical symptoms in detail and not seeming to have a filter!

I've started being rude to people that deserve it. Before that I was the most polite, unthreatening, nervous, and giggly person you could ever meet. I always spoke with a high pitched baby voice, tried to make myself appear small and even used to get headaches from keeping my eyebrows raised to look less serious. I never challenged anyone and accepted any abuse directed at me.

Part of it was definitely social anxiety, but I've read a lot about how childhood trauma can stunt a woman's emotional growth. We get stuck in little girl mode to make ourselves appear non-threatening to predators, like when a dog lays down and shows you its belly. I was also definitely stuck in the fawn response, the fourth response to attack where you people-please and behave like a 'good girl' to placate your attacker.

I'm still learning how to be assertive and state my boundaries. I don't always get it right and probably overreact to certain situations when I think I'm being walked over. I hope I'm never rude to those that don't deserve it, but sometimes a woman just being assertive and standing her ground can come across as rude to those that don't expect it.

I think some people are over sensitive and see rudeness when none was intended. I hate the PA "you're welcome" just because someone was too distracted to notice someone stood aside for them etc and IMO the person "correcting" the behaviour is just as rude as the apparent offender.

Some people genuinely don't realise their behaviour is rude (see above) and believe they're doing the world a favour by pointing out everyone's faults or "saying it like it is" etc

There are very very few people indeed who are just as rude to someone who matters to them as they are to a shop assistant or call centre worker.

Damn straight they know they’re being rude. If you can control it when it suits - it’s deliberate.

@IncompleteSenten

There's no single answer.

Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they are rude. Sometimes the other person is oversensitive. I don't think many people are rude all the time.

Agree!

Also I would add as a non-perfect human I myself am sometimes rude, and presumably sometimes don't realise.

I think it's frustration when aimed at e.g. call centre staff. Not necessarily people who are underlyigningly rude, but people reaching the end of their tether. It doesn't make it right but those places seem almost designed to bring out the worst in people.