Morning from hell? Gather round.

[KitticornsAreReal]

I have had the morning from hell and I’m feeling pretty fucked off about the whole thing.

I am a parent to two wonderful DC who happen to also both be autistic and sometimes the stress of their need to manage every tiny detail of our entire lives just becomes a bit much.

They bicker and fight daily. One of them screams the house down daily. The meltdowns are daily.

This morning, both the DC were arguing and as I was trying to diffuse the situation by calmly talking to them, one of the DC just kept screaming in my ear to hurry up and sort it out (this was due to anxiety , it was not them being rude).

I’m afraid I lost it and shouted “Will you just shut up! Just shut up!” . It is not my finest parenting moment but I just saw red and out it came.

To make matters worse, my lovely elderly neighbour had turned up to my door, which just happened to be open to allow the dog out for a wee. So she heard the whole thing, close hand.

I feel terrible and judged . She politely asked if DH was away so was I dealing with it on my own? She was obviously sympathetic but I feel like a ducking terrible mother right now

Please tell me I’m not the only one who loses it with their DC?

I sometimes shout when I've already asked a few times nicely and politely and have been ignored.

I've told the DC to 'shut up' maybe three times over 12 years. I don't feel proud, and I always apologise after (not a 'I'm sorry, but... look what you made me do' but 'sorry, mummy shouldn't have shouted at you'). I don't think it's too bad, as long as it's not something that happens frequently or they're not nervous or on tenterhooks around you.

The pp who has thrown a plate, I'm a little concerned about. Even if it only happens a couple of times it can be really scary. I still remember my mother throwing something once or twice, and it frightened me, I think because it indicated that her temper could become physical.

Children can be bloody annoying, and most of us will lose our temper from time to time, but if you're frightening the DC, or it becomes physical (including throwing things), or you find yourself blaming the child for something which is purely down to their age/development, it might be worth seeking help/support in managing emotions.

Sorry, first para should be 'if they're nervous...' (that's a bad sign)

OP are you okay now?

And how did DC react to the shouting? I can imagine if it was like a cycle of shouting the neighbour felt she couldn't ignore it but she might not be judging, just asking

My autistic child almost had me shooting that this afternoon when faced with the thousandth question of the day!

You are a saint.

Normal to lose it occasionally. I don’t think it does children any harm to see we are human. You shouted, not even swearing, you didn’t hurt him. I’m sure you’ll be back to normal parenting and strategies tomorrow.
Your neighbour sounds kind. She could obviously see a frazzled mum.

Op, I don't think there's a single parent that don't ever lose their rag at times, those who say they don't are probably lying. Add in the stress of both children being on the spectrum too! It takes its toll!

My two are both on the spectrum too. One diagnosed and the other not yet. My two are not getting on at all the minute, all they do is argue and scream at each other. It's so hard and you are not alone! 💕

The throwing things in anger started when she had one child. Disgusting, abusive behaviour and worrying that anyone would condone it.

This. My dad used to do that a lot. Even now in my 30s, I am terrified of confrontation and freeze up in fear if anything smashes.

You damage children for life with this behaviour.

@Fritilleries

I've just screamed at my toddler for vomiting in his bed. Refusing to nap and is shredding my mental health down the crapper. I went part time thinking I would be amazing but no, it's hell.

Aw the poor baby, you cant shout at a child for vomitting!

@mumjustmum

I have three under 3yrs and as far as I'm aware all NT. I shouted at both my one year olds today whilst changing their nappies to not wriggle and put their hands in poo. I told my two year old he couldn't do drawing because I can't be bothered with the mess. Whilst they ate lunch, I hid in my husbands office on the floor with a glass of wine.

That's just today.

I have thrown a full plate of scrambled eggs at the wall before because my then only baby wouldn't eat it.
I regularly tell them all to just shut the f up.

You are an incredible Mum compared to me my lovely!

We all lose it, give yourself some credit please x

You my dear, shouldn't have had children. Thats horrific !!!

Hope your afternoon is going better OP.

Many years ago now it was coming up to Christmas and my ASD DD1 was struggling to cope at primary school with everything out of routine. They had made giant Christmas decorations in class and DD1 was hyper all the way home, sort of ranting about this decoration and no one else could get a word in. DD2 kept trying to look at it, wasn't allowed so grabbed it and accidentally tore it a little.

DD1 went absolutely berserk, chased DD2 home, thankfully not far while I followed with DD3 in the pram. Got to front garden to find DD1 whacking her sister with a stick. Was awful. Got them inside, separated them and poured myself a whiskey. First and last time I've ever done that. Within 5 minutes our lovely old neighbours, in their 70s, rang the doorbell as they were passing and thought they might get a cup of tea. Am sure they could smell whiskey on my breath

We never had an afternoon like that again. All adults now but I can still remember it like yesterday.

It happens, I shouldn't think there's a parent in the land that hasn't snapped from time to time.

When DS was little I got him this book. It's brilliant

When Mum Turned Into a Monster

link

Ah, you poor thing. I've had horrified stares directed at me in supermarkets, when I've lost it with my two. I do feel for you.

And a lovely, gentle colleague of mine was bollocking his kids in the garden and social services turned up shortly afterwards, as a neighbour had reported him. His kids could not have had a lovelier parent!

Hope your day got better.

Saw pictures this morning of George and Amal Clooney climbing the steps of a private jet with their two (probably adorable) twins. I did think do they end up yelling “quit dicking around and get up those bloody steps, you don’t know how lucky you are etc…” as I would. Probably not…

We all lose it from time to time. But you know what, when you catch your breath and get a grip on yourself again it’s a great opportunity to teach your dc the practical skills of emotional regulation, saying sorry, making amends etc.

And dc with sn who shout and lose it themselves, need lots of help in learning how to repair relationships.

I sometimes sit on the stairs (it’s not a naughty step in our house but it can be a place to calm down when we’re overwhelmed) and ask the dc not to talk to me for a minute. It’s showing them that you can feel angry and do something about it.

Yesterday I blew up because ds wouldn’t get off the iPad so we ended up having a chat about how other stressors in my day had left me feeling under resourced and I wasn’t able to stay calm in that moment. And he was able to tell me about the stress in his day that had left him needing to try and calm down with the iPad.

You’re doing ok.

I don’t think anyone needs to gather round. You’re human. You didn’t hit anyone.

[quote NotPersephone]@Cordeliathecat Another testament to my great parenting (not), DS learnt an irate "FUCKS SAKE" from me and barked it towards anyone being a slowcoach, even elderly people on sticks. He was 2. [/quote]
Thank you for posting this, I had a giggle

Please don’t worry, it’s not the worse thing ever and you were trying to be calm. I’ve said shut up before and didn’t worry too much, it’s not the end of the world, just move on from it is my advice!

I learnt an amazing trick to cope when my asd dc was younger. I pretended to be the nanny.

Do you have any wine op?

ASD household here too. The other day I told my dd to “just get in here and show me where the f@*ing gnat is” because she was freaking out over a gnat in the bathroom while getting ready for school and I had a massive headache and couldn’t find the stupid thing and I just snapped.

She is 13, has had multiple years of therapy for the bug phobia, including daily exposure therapy that I had to do despite having ASD and hating bugs myself, and manages to suppress it in public, but just won’t calm down at home long enough to point to the mm sized thing so I can find it.

I've shouted before sen children no backup enough is enough moment,

It happens sadly

I think we’ve all been there op
Don’t beat yourself up

Hope the rest of your day was better

@NotPersephone

I learnt an amazing trick to cope when my asd dc was younger. I pretended to be the nanny

Genius. I’m stealing this.

I used to do this. I also used to imagine I was being filmed for Supernanny or something, and that I everyone would see the recording afterwards. That really used to help me not to be unreasonable with my DC (and particularly my AS one).

Think I need more anti'ds ad am so close to losing my shit all.the.time. Absolutely had it up to here being the unpaid carer of a three year old.

Also two autistic children and yeah, it's not the perfect response that some people expect you to be able to do 100%of the time, but unless you have lived it...(I have) then it is unfair to judge, though a lot of people will. (But would crumble at a tenth of what you put up with)