People who don't reply to text messages / WhatsApp messages how do you stay in touch with the people in your life?

[eustonwehaveaproblem]

Genuine question, not being snarky at all.

I see threads about this where people hold a boundary with phone communication and only read or respond to messages when and if they decide to.

I respect that that's an approach that works for those people.

My question (genuinely) is what is your favoured method of communicating with the people in your life you don't live with?

Do you email, make phone calls?

I have a few people who don't reply to my (intermittent and really not stalky, like once every couple of months a quick message to ask how they are) messages and I don't know whether to assume I'm being ghosted and take the hint they don't want me in their lives anymore. Or to try by another message.

So, a genuine and honest question if you don't respond to messages how do you indicate to people that you still want them in your life and how would you like them to make contact with you?

If someone didn't reply to a couple of messages (by any medium) from me & made no other effort to get in touch then I'd take it as a hint & back off.
I use WhatsApp personally for keeping touch with most ppl.

... if it's someone who you consider a very close friend or family member then trying by another method once might be ok. It really depends on the context for me.

@magicstars

If someone didn't reply to a couple of messages (by any medium) from me & made no other effort to get in touch then I'd take it as a hint & back off. I use WhatsApp personally for keeping touch with most ppl.

Yes, that's my instinct too.

That's why I want to check with the people who don't reply because they choose not to rather than because they're trying to end the relationship.

Phone calls!

Eg I have one friend I offered to post an item too that I could no longer make use of and might be helpful for them.

He replied yes please.

A week later I messaged to say I hope it had arrived.

I've heard nothing back since. Still don't know if it got there.

@User310

Phone calls!

That's interesting. I absolutely abhor phone calls . Some of these relationships are toast aren't they

I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but I'm a terrible responder. My issue is this: you send one message and for you it is just the one, but lots of people may send one. I reply and get a response instantly. Then I have to respond to that then I still have to respond to the others and so on. I am then in some sort of message paralysis where I just cannot keep texting, I hate it. Like I say, not trying to be dramatic, but I know it is!

@Youcancallmeval

I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but I'm a terrible responder. My issue is this: you send one message and for you it is just the one, but lots of people may send one. I reply and get a response instantly. Then I have to respond to that then I still have to respond to the others and so on. I am then in some sort of message paralysis where I just cannot keep texting, I hate it. Like I say, not trying to be dramatic, but I know it is!

I get that and I respect it.

I'm asking what method works for you to stay in touch with people who care about you.

I find texts are fine for specific questions or organising things, but not for keeping in touch. It's inconvenient to get into a back and forth conversation by text, and too easy to be distracted.

For friends that I don't see much of but like to stay in touch with, I either write (letters or emails) or have a long phone call or FaceTime every few weeks or months. It's much nicer, properly reinforces the bonds and is very cheering. Also, you get the edited highlights of what's been going on, instead of the boring minutiae.

@TheLeadbetterLife

I find texts are fine for specific questions or organising things, but not for keeping in touch. It's inconvenient to get into a back and forth conversation by text, and too easy to be distracted.

For friends that I don't see much of but like to stay in touch with, I either write (letters or emails) or have a long phone call or FaceTime every few weeks or months. It's much nicer, properly reinforces the bonds and is very cheering. Also, you get the edited highlights of what's been going on, instead of the boring minutiae.

That's interesting thank you! Long emails (mutual) used to be how I stayed in touch with people before messaging became so big.

That feels like it's gone out of fashion a bit now and I miss it. I think I'd actually feel I was intruding if I wrote someone a long email but maybe it wouldn't be.

Also, everyone is crap at staying in touch. It's rarely personal, or people trying to ghost you.

I've made it a resolution to make an effort with long distance friends, especially now I live abroad. I have a reminder set for the first Sunday every month to get in touch with people. It's not always the same ones, but once a month I go through my contacts and either write to or call at least one or two.

@TheLeadbetterLife

Also, everyone is crap at staying in touch. It's rarely personal, or people trying to ghost you.

I've made it a resolution to make an effort with long distance friends, especially now I live abroad. I have a reminder set for the first Sunday every month to get in touch with people. It's not always the same ones, but once a month I go through my contacts and either write to or call at least one or two.

That's interesting and do they reply?

I don't answer my phone so you'd not get hold of me this thread has really made me reflect on my own boundaries so thanks for all replies.

@eustonwehaveaproblem

Eg I have one friend I offered to post an item too that I could no longer make use of and might be helpful for them.

He replied yes please.

A week later I messaged to say I hope it had arrived.

I've heard nothing back since. Still don't know if it got there.

Well that's just rude OP

I have a couple of friends with whom I have an ongoing penpal-type relationship now, because of moving abroad (them and me), so yes, they reply. It's a slow-burn thing, often we leave it months before writing, as life gets in the way.

I usually give people a heads up, or schedule a call or FaceTime in by text, as it's not the 90s anymore (sadly). There are one or two people I can call out of the blue, and who call me, like in olden times.

Why do you hate phone calls so much? I love hearing people's voices. Did you never do the hours on the phone thing in your teens?

I don't answer my phone so you'd not get hold of me

Some people are just like that with messages; too. If they don't do conversational messaging and you don't do calls, there's unlikely to be a lot of contact until there's something specific to talk about...

If nothing else indicates that they don't want the relationship; I'd be inclined to just take it as being how it is, with the caveat that if nobody makes the effort to stay in touch for a long time, the relationships will drift.

@TheLeadbetterLife

Why do you hate phone calls so much? I love hearing people's voices. Did you never do the hours on the phone thing in your teens?

I worked in a call centre for about 18 months while I was at uni and developed a real hatred of telephone calls after that.

Sometimes it's different paces of life, though. I'm frantic at work at the momentt, and I've got a friend who keeps sending me whatsapps linking to books/music whatever during the working day, which I just don't have time to look at ..

@Snailhaterz2

Sometimes it's different paces of life, though. I'm frantic at work at the momentt, and I've got a friend who keeps sending me whatsapps linking to books/music whatever during the working day, which I just don't have time to look at ..

I agree with this I've no time when I'm at work (inset day today).

I don't think you can really criticise people for not responding to your preferred mode of contact when you won't even answer a call, let alone have a chat. I find texts intrusive and demanding, and I turn off notifications in the evenings so I don't have to see or hear all the pinging.

@Youcancallmeval

I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but I'm a terrible responder. My issue is this: you send one message and for you it is just the one, but lots of people may send one. I reply and get a response instantly. Then I have to respond to that then I still have to respond to the others and so on. I am then in some sort of message paralysis where I just cannot keep texting, I hate it. Like I say, not trying to be dramatic, but I know it is!

I am like this - overwhelm but I have ADHD so all I can do is keep trying and apologising. It is never ghosting, I still care deeply for my friends - just poor executive function!

Honestly, very often I don't.
I've had two friends this year contact me –that's them contacting me, not me initiating contact –suggesting meeting up. In both cases I replied along the lines of 'Yes, lovely, how about next week/this weekend?' and was met with radio silence. One was by text message and I can see they read it.
I used to chase people when this sort of thing happened, but the older and crankier I get the more I think 'fuck it'. I'm not their social secretary.

@TheLeadbetterLife

I don't think you can really criticise people for not responding to your preferred mode of contact when you won't even answer a call, let alone have a chat. I find texts intrusive and demanding, and I turn off notifications in the evenings so I don't have to see or hear all the pinging.

Shoe me where I criticised anyone please

Think you might need to see each other face to face with messaging infrequently in between.

WhatsApp has helped me to keep on top of messages, much better than text messages. Anything that I don’t need to respond to, I archive straightaway. Anything that I need to respond to or another action attached to it, I leave in the inbox then archive once done. I try to answer messages in the morning and evenings. Every now and then, I get my messages down to zero.

Well you seem to take it personally that people don't reply to all your messages, yet would you want people to assume you're ghosting them if they tried to call you and you didn't answer?