People who don't reply to text messages / WhatsApp messages how do you stay in touch with the people in your life?

[eustonwehaveaproblem]

Genuine question, not being snarky at all.

I see threads about this where people hold a boundary with phone communication and only read or respond to messages when and if they decide to.

I respect that that's an approach that works for those people.

My question (genuinely) is what is your favoured method of communicating with the people in your life you don't live with?

Do you email, make phone calls?

I have a few people who don't reply to my (intermittent and really not stalky, like once every couple of months a quick message to ask how they are) messages and I don't know whether to assume I'm being ghosted and take the hint they don't want me in their lives anymore. Or to try by another message.

So, a genuine and honest question if you don't respond to messages how do you indicate to people that you still want them in your life and how would you like them to make contact with you?

@TheLeadbetterLife

Come on, OP. The final paragraph of your first post was pretty passive aggressive. It's a bit silly to jump from people not replying to messages to assuming they don't want you in their lives and must be communicating via some other, mysterious means that you've never heard of.

I think if you only ever communicate with people via messages you lose all the human connection that makes it worth being friends. They become words on a screen and it's easy to let the friendship slide, because they're no different from all the other words on the screen. I find I need to chat and laugh with them, on the phone or video call if not in person. Doing that, even infrequently, is much more bonding than ongoing text conversations.

I wasn't being passive aggressive. I genuinely have assumed that this means these people don't want me in their lives.

I have ADHD and part of that means I experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria which means I am very sensitive to rejection, perceived or real. I have started this thread to try and help me navigate this and you and another poster are now attacking me.

I have no idea why you've chosen to do this but it's really unpleasant and not helping the situation in any way whatsoever.

I'm really not attacking you, I'm pointing out how your words come across.

You asked whether your friends are ghosting you because they're not replying to messages and how they want to communicate with you instead.

Well I'm saying consider what the value is of a friendship that is just messages asking how you are, or sorting out admin? If all my friendships were like that, how would I distinguish them, or value them? What would be the point?

@TheLeadbetterLife

I'm really not attacking you, I'm pointing out how your words come across.

You asked whether your friends are ghosting you because they're not replying to messages and how they want to communicate with you instead.

Well I'm saying consider what the value is of a friendship that is just messages asking how you are, or sorting out admin? If all my friendships were like that, how would I distinguish them, or value them? What would be the point?

I'm afraid you've made the mistake of assuming that these friendships only consist of messaging, I'm not sure why.

I’m from the generation that only had phone boxes and landlines guarded fiercely by their fathers, the payer of the bill. We just did everything gave to face. I tend to have Whats app convos with friends and family they can last days. We don’t get too upset if someone doesn’t answer because none of is surgically attached to our phones.
I think the nineties generation are the real testers who struggle with normal conversation and phone conversations. The current 20s generations like FaceTime and Snapchat where they have multiple group convos rather than one to ones. In fact DS will be playing in a group on PS4 while FaceTiming his girlfriend or have team set up with the same group he is gaming with so they see each other. They rarely text.

Face to facr

As you can see I’m crap at typing on my phone
Face to face

Oh OP ((hugs)) I was about to mention rejection sensitive dysphoria, and whether this was something you suffer from. I have a friend with ADHD who gets it badly -and, even though autistic, I think I used to suffer from something similar before getting CBT. I don’t know what to say, because I used to suffer terribly when people didn’t get back to me. (Actually, I still do get massively irked when people cancel last minute on arrangements- possibly why I don’t really like having fellow mum friends, as they seem by far the worse culprits). I still think of my friends fondly, but to me there’s not much point in messaging unless it’s to practically arrange a meet up. I’m (reluctantly) member of a mums’ WhatsApp group, and dear God! Someone will post that their child is ill with a cold or something, and then there’ll be five messages- all variations of “Awwww…. Sooooo sorry your ickle one is poorly, hope they’re better soon ❤️❤️❤️“ , and I’m just like “Whyyyyy?” Someone once called it “social stroking”, and it’s a thing that I will not and cannot do.

@Angrymum22

I’m from the generation that only had phone boxes and landlines guarded fiercely by their fathers, the payer of the bill. We just did everything gave to face. I tend to have Whats app convos with friends and family they can last days. We don’t get too upset if someone doesn’t answer because none of is surgically attached to our phones. I think the nineties generation are the real testers who struggle with normal conversation and phone conversations. The current 20s generations like FaceTime and Snapchat where they have multiple group convos rather than one to ones. In fact DS will be playing in a group on PS4 while FaceTiming his girlfriend or have team set up with the same group he is gaming with so they see each other. They rarely text.

We had a well guarded land line too, and sometimes my dad wouldn't pay the bill ( a big believer in not paying anything until he received the final reminder, even though he could well afford to. Not good business practice, apparently!) The phone would get cut off and I would walk a mile down the lane to the nearest phone box, clutching my 2p coins ( later 10p) My young adults children are in different countries and nearly all their communication with each other is via X box games. Or PlayStation, or whatever they use...(aged mother here)

I agree with TheLeadbetterLife
I don't see anything written here as an attack.

I find it odd that you think it strange that some of your friends don't like communicating by text, yet have openly said you don't like communicating by phone. How can you not see that it is just two different preferences, and their choice is no odder than your choice ?

If the friendships don't only consist of messaging, then what's the problem? If they're meeting up with you face to face then they're not ghosting you, they're just crap at remembering to reply to messages.

@Kite22

I agree with TheLeadbetterLife I don't see anything written here as an attack.

I find it odd that you think it strange that some of your friends don't like communicating by text, yet have openly said you don't like communicating by phone. How can you not see that it is just two different preferences, and their choice is no odder than your choice ?

None of them phone me either. It's really not the case that they're calling me and I'm texting them. I didn't say that it was.

It's lovely to meet face to face but due to the pandemic that hasn't always been possible over the last year.

My parents put a lock on the phone (old one with the round dial), and in my 20s I worked in telesales so that's probably why I hate phone calls. I will literally ignore the call than text back saying I was busy. Its odd, I know! The only people I chat to are my parents. ☺️

Personally I prefer messages so that I can answer at a convenient time.

Sometimes I am very busy with work and cannot even eat lunch let alone text. Or I am overwhelmed with life and need to address my own needs first.

I would absolutely feel hounded by a call. A follow up text in a few days I think is fine .

None of them phone me either. It's really not the case that they're calling me and I'm texting them. I didn't say that it was.

....and nor did I
My point is, you think it strange that some people don't get round to replying by text, or enjoy having a conversation by text.
However you have also said you don't 'do' phone calls.
I'm not sure why - given that you only use your phone in one way - think it strange that some of your friends only use their phone in one way as well, albeit a different way from you.

@Kite22

None of them phone me either. It's really not the case that they're calling me and I'm texting them. I didn't say that it was.

....and nor did I
My point is, you think it strange that some people don't get round to replying by text, or enjoy having a conversation by text.
However you have also said you don't 'do' phone calls.
I'm not sure why - given that you only use your phone in one way - think it strange that some of your friends only use their phone in one way as well, albeit a different way from you.

No, I don't "think it's strange"

My op says:

"I see threads about this where people hold a boundary with phone communication and only read or respond to messages when and if they decide to.

I respect that that's an approach that works for those people."

I never said it was strange. I don't think it's strange, I respect it.

This seems to have provoked an onslaught of defensiveness from some people.

What a touchy subject this seems to be for you, projection everywhere. Honestly.

@eustonwehaveaproblem

Again - not being snarky because for some reason I've had a personal attack launched at me for asking these questions - those of you who get overwhelmed with messages to reply to how is this happening if you don't reply?

Surely not responding stops people from trying again? Or do they just carry on? As I said early on I'd question whether non replying was ghosting and certainly wouldn't keep posting.

So what's going on with people continuing to message you when you don't reply? How does it come to that?

I don’t know why I do it. I know the outstanding messages are there, I like the people who have sent me them; but for some reason I just get paralysis in responding. Or (stupidly) I’ll open a message when I’m busy at work or whatever, think “I’ll respond to that later”; and then completely forget.

And then it’ll get later and later and I’ll start thinking “oh god I’ve left it too late now, what do I say to excuse the delayed response?”; which makes me put ot off even more, and the cycle continues.

Luckily I have extremely patient friends; but I’ve also recognised it’s a problem and I’ve been trying to put coping mechanisms in place to work on getting better at responding and checking in with people. It’s not perfect - I’ve taken to setting myself reminders and alarms to check in with people (for example if someone has a hospital appointment or a job interview or something; I actually set myself a reminder for the day to “wish X good luck” or “ask X how it went”). A bit impersonal but I’m trying!

Something that lowers response-anxiety for me is getting messages to at don’t necessarily require an immediate response. So I find it easier to respond to a meme or a random photo than I do if it’s asking a specific question. It means I can respond in kind with a quick emoji or a meme rather than getting myself wound up thinking I need to write war and peace.

I also don’t do well with being asked “how’s it going” because I am trying to stop burdening my friends with relentless negativity but my life is fairly stressful and shot at the moment so I struggle to put together a response

@crackofdoom

Oh OP ((hugs)) I was about to mention rejection sensitive dysphoria, and whether this was something you suffer from. I have a friend with ADHD who gets it badly -and, even though autistic, I think I used to suffer from something similar before getting CBT. I don’t know what to say, because I used to suffer terribly when people didn’t get back to me. (Actually, I still do get massively irked when people cancel last minute on arrangements- possibly why I don’t really like having fellow mum friends, as they seem by far the worse culprits). I still think of my friends fondly, but to me there’s not much point in messaging unless it’s to practically arrange a meet up. I’m (reluctantly) member of a mums’ WhatsApp group, and dear God! Someone will post that their child is ill with a cold or something, and then there’ll be five messages- all variations of “Awwww…. Sooooo sorry your ickle one is poorly, hope they’re better soon ❤️❤️❤️“ , and I’m just like “Whyyyyy?” Someone once called it “social stroking”, and it’s a thing that I will not and cannot do.

Thank you. I manage my ADHD and RSD pretty well and this includes me taking the time to work out when to step back and when to try a different approach, hence starting this thread for pointers.

Part of that does include knowing my own limits and I know now that I can only cope with work and - on a good day - one other thing. So I can go to work, and go to the gym, but I couldn't then go out with friends afterwards.

Ditto if I have to run one of my DS' to a club after work I won't also have the resources for the gym. I wonder if your friends who cry off last minute haven't quite worked out what their point of overwhelm is in order not to disappoint people last minute.

Dyrne that's interesting, you response paralysis is identical to my phone answering paralysis. I do respond, though, when I have the resources which is often within minutes and certainly within the day.

My question was specifically to people who don't reply because they've chosen to set a boundary not to. I feel like that's quite different to what you're describing

Wow. From your posting style and the way you are attacking people, I'm beginning to think people not wanting to reply might not all be to do with the way they use their phones.....

It really isn't 'touchy' for me.
I tend to answer texts, WhatsApps and phone calls.
I can, however, understand that not everybody does, and that there are a lot of different reasons why not.

You might not have used the word 'strange' in your OP, but the fact you have started a thread about it to 'try to understand' implies that you find it strange.

@Kite22

Wow. From your posting style and the way you are attacking people, I'm beginning to think people not wanting to reply might not all be to do with the way they use their phones.....

It really isn't 'touchy' for me.
I tend to answer texts, WhatsApps and phone calls.
I can, however, understand that not everybody does, and that there are a lot of different reasons why not.

You might not have used the word 'strange' in your OP, but the fact you have started a thread about it to 'try to understand' implies that you find it strange.

That's your interpretation. Other interpretations are available.

I have a friend who sometimes doesn’t respond and usually it’s because she’s feeling really down. It’s hard then to actually get a response, usually there’s none, but she’s told me (in better times) that she has appreciated seeing the messages from me. I don’t take it personally and So nowadays I usually follow up with a quick ‘hope you’re OK’, and say she doesn’t need to respond if she doesn’t want to.

Yes, I've got a friend like that who never, ever responds unless I say "I'm going for a walk in an hour let me know if you'd like me to pick you up on the way."