People who don't reply to text messages / WhatsApp messages how do you stay in touch with the people in your life?

[eustonwehaveaproblem]

Genuine question, not being snarky at all.

I see threads about this where people hold a boundary with phone communication and only read or respond to messages when and if they decide to.

I respect that that's an approach that works for those people.

My question (genuinely) is what is your favoured method of communicating with the people in your life you don't live with?

Do you email, make phone calls?

I have a few people who don't reply to my (intermittent and really not stalky, like once every couple of months a quick message to ask how they are) messages and I don't know whether to assume I'm being ghosted and take the hint they don't want me in their lives anymore. Or to try by another message.

So, a genuine and honest question if you don't respond to messages how do you indicate to people that you still want them in your life and how would you like them to make contact with you?

@TheLeadbetterLife

Well you seem to take it personally that people don't reply to all your messages, yet would you want people to assume you're ghosting them if they tried to call you and you didn't answer?

No. I'm asking so I can find a way of communicating that suits them,

@TheLeadbetterLife

Well you seem to take it personally that people don't reply to all your messages, yet would you want people to assume you're ghosting them if they tried to call you and you didn't answer?

I call people back I just don't answer on demand. That's my boundary

Some people I have text conversations with, others I use texting (well WhatsApp) to arrange phone calls or to arrange a get together.
I converse via text with dd who lives abroad, with a phone call every now and again.
I don't have time for lengthy text conversations with lots of people.
Definitely don't enjoy group chats and tend to mute them.
I tend to follow the lead of my contacts. Someone who takes a while to respond, I do same. So they don't feel that if they answer me then they are forced into a long text chat. Not as a passive aggressive thing.
One in particular, we chat intermittently via text over a few days.
Dd, I'll sit and chat on text for an hour of an evening sometime.DS , more likely to call him.
Mainly, I like to see people. I'm a meet for coffee kind of person. So we use messaging to arrange, and confirm.
Hope that's helpful

Hm. If you respond to text messages in a similar way to some of your posts here, it is perhaps not surprising that you don’t always get a response? Just a thought, as they say…

@FlowerArranger

Hm. If you respond to text messages in a similar way to some of your posts here, it is perhaps not surprising that you don’t always get a response? Just a thought, as they say…

@MrsGikes

Some people I have text conversations with, others I use texting (well WhatsApp) to arrange phone calls or to arrange a get together. I converse via text with dd who lives abroad, with a phone call every now and again. I don't have time for lengthy text conversations with lots of people. Definitely don't enjoy group chats and tend to mute them. I tend to follow the lead of my contacts. Someone who takes a while to respond, I do same. So they don't feel that if they answer me then they are forced into a long text chat. Not as a passive aggressive thing. One in particular, we chat intermittently via text over a few days. Dd, I'll sit and chat on text for an hour of an evening sometime.DS , more likely to call him. Mainly, I like to see people. I'm a meet for coffee kind of person. So we use messaging to arrange, and confirm. Hope that's helpful

Thank you that's very helpful.

It isn't that I choose to ignore texts but I'm usually busy. This weekend, painting ceilings, I had my hands full, covered in paint, up a ladder, wasn't the time to answer a text. Finally got around to it after I'd cooked, ironed ds' school uniform, prepped for school etc.
It's a case of priorities plus I normally leave my phone in the kitchen, only check it every few hours.

The saying in my house, is that there is no such thing as an important text.
So replies are whenever is convenient.
If something is urgent then we phone each other

@MintJulia

It isn't that I choose to ignore texts but I'm usually busy. This weekend, painting ceilings, I had my hands full, covered in paint, up a ladder, wasn't the time to answer a text. Finally got around to it after I'd cooked, ironed ds' school uniform, prepped for school etc. It's a case of priorities plus I normally leave my phone in the kitchen, only check it every few hours.

Thanks. Could you let me know what might be a better form of communication? This was a genuine and open thread in which I am trying to tailor my methods of communication in a more appropriate way for friends rather than messaging.

I have no idea what some posters have taken it as an attack on them personally, I'm just looking for ideas rather than giving up on my friends.

What works well for you? If someone has messaged and you haven't replied would you feel hounded by a phone call or would you welcome it?

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

The saying in my house, is that there is no such thing as an important text. So replies are whenever is convenient. If something is urgent then we phone each other

Thank you, I don't think of maintaining friendships as an urgent thing so where does that fall? Again, a genuine question not a snarky one!

Texts work for me but my friends know I'm usually busy and 4 hours to get back to them is about normal. If they need me urgently, they need to phone me either before 10am or after 7pm.
I would always answer emails within a day. My WhatsApp is rubbish, completely random as to whether messages show up immediately or a week late. Not sure why

It's quite a tricky one isn't it OP?

I tend to be the person who makes initial contact (slightly less frantic lifestyle than some of my friends)
I am very sensitive about not hassling them so if they don't answer I'll let it go. I don't think I'd phone.
Most do get back in touch eventually!
I delete my conversations after a while so forget who I've contacted and not had a response from, and so I don't dwell on it.
I have a handful of really close friends and know their communication styles. Acquaintances I'll let go of more readily.
Sometimes texts genuinely get missed so I give the benefit of the doubt. But if someone wants to be in touch with me, they'll do a bit of running too.
I know it can feel like a minefield sometimes

I hate phone calls too op, I find them really intrusive. I keep in contact with my friends via WhatsApp and messenger, I do live abroad so phone calls are costly. Facetime is my idea of hell! I had (what I thought) was a good friend, she'd never respond to my messages, yet would read them and was often on Facebook or live on messenger, In the end I unfriended her as it hurt my feelings so much that I meant that little to her I had to just let it go, for my own sanity really. Some may think that I'm over sensitive but some messeges were ones where I needed a friend type of thing. That was a while ago now. I obviously have friends that take a while to respond, that's fine, we all have families, but I'm done with non responders.

All relationships are different.
Some people speak on the phone to a friend, or relation every day.
Some people can go for literally months, or even years without contacting someone, and then just pick up as if they saw them yesterday.
Texts - for me - are no way to have a conversation. There is no tone of voice, body language, facial expression etc. A Text is to arrange something - hopefully a meet up. A phone call is better, as you can at least hear tone of voice.
But I do have some friends that I have been friends with for over 40 years, that I remain friends with even when I go for a spell without seeing them. We don't need to chat particularly regularly. In fact, apart from friends that are friends through attending the same things every week, I can't think of any of my friends that I communicate with regularly via text or WhatsApp.
Some that I am friends with on facebook, who post a fair bit or who comment on my posts are communicating regularly with, I suppose, in a different format.

I know someone who has chosen not to have a smart phone - just calls and text

So when they were lost they couldn't contact the company to say they were going to be late, find a different route by public transport and find their way to the meeting from a different station

It's all very well making these decisions not to reply, not to keep in touch by whatever method but you'll sometimes lose out

@MintJulia

Texts work for me but my friends know I'm usually busy and 4 hours to get back to them is about normal. If they need me urgently, they need to phone me either before 10am or after 7pm. I would always answer emails within a day. My WhatsApp is rubbish, completely random as to whether messages show up immediately or a week late. Not sure why

Thank you. I've got really out of touch with email and tend only to use it at work but I might start using it again with my overseas friends.

@KatyMac

I know someone who has chosen not to have a smart phone - just calls and text

So when they were lost they couldn't contact the company to say they were going to be late, find a different route by public transport and find their way to the meeting from a different station

It's all very well making these decisions not to reply, not to keep in touch by whatever method but you'll sometimes lose out

Good point! I'd be lost without my smartphone , I have ADHD and absolutely no sense or direction.

@Youcancallmeval

I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but I'm a terrible responder. My issue is this: you send one message and for you it is just the one, but lots of people may send one. I reply and get a response instantly. Then I have to respond to that then I still have to respond to the others and so on. I am then in some sort of message paralysis where I just cannot keep texting, I hate it. Like I say, not trying to be dramatic, but I know it is!

Absolutely this!

I’m with you OP.

I recently sent birthday cards to 3 friends, not one of them dropped me a text or anything to say thanks for the card, thanks for thinking of me. Doubt I’ll get a card back from any of them on my birthday.

@Kite22

All relationships are different. Some people speak on the phone to a friend, or relation every day. Some people can go for literally months, or even years without contacting someone, and then just pick up as if they saw them yesterday. Texts - for me - are no way to have a conversation. There is no tone of voice, body language, facial expression etc. A Text is to arrange something - hopefully a meet up. A phone call is better, as you can at least hear tone of voice. But I do have some friends that I have been friends with for over 40 years, that I remain friends with even when I go for a spell without seeing them. We don't need to chat particularly regularly. In fact, apart from friends that are friends through attending the same things every week, I can't think of any of my friends that I communicate with regularly via text or WhatsApp. Some that I am friends with on facebook, who post a fair bit or who comment on my posts are communicating regularly with, I suppose, in a different format.

Interesting, thanks. I have one old friend I speak to on the phone but have since we were at school.

I have to have headphones and be walking the dog to do it, though. I can't sit still for an hour just talking (probably another ADHD thing).

I’m autistic, a lone parent and, I think, suffering with chronic overwhelm and burnout. The thought of, once plopping down on the sofa of an evening, having to sit down to a load of messages to reply to is just…..No. Nope. I have no more capacity, often. And as for phone calls…(shudders).

My favoured means of keeping in touch are seeing someone face to face, or Facebook. You can see what someone’s up to and chip in as and when, without pressure or expectation.

@Bosslady2

I’m with you OP.

I recently sent birthday cards to 3 friends, not one of them dropped me a text or anything to say thanks for the card, thanks for thinking of me. Doubt I’ll get a card back from any of them on my birthday.

That's really sad I'm sorry :(

@crackofdoom

I’m autistic, a lone parent and, I think, suffering with chronic overwhelm and burnout. The thought of, once plopping down on the sofa of an evening, having to sit down to a load of messages to reply to is just…..No. Nope. I have no more capacity, often. And as for phone calls…(shudders).

My favoured means of keeping in touch are seeing someone face to face, or Facebook. You can see what someone’s up to and chip in as and when, without pressure or expectation.

Thank you. I like Facebook for staying in touch too :)

Again - not being snarky because for some reason I've had a personal attack launched at me for asking these questions - those of you who get overwhelmed with messages to reply to how is this happening if you don't reply?

Surely not responding stops people from trying again? Or do they just carry on? As I said early on I'd question whether non replying was ghosting and certainly wouldn't keep posting.

So what's going on with people continuing to message you when you don't reply? How does it come to that?

Come on, OP. The final paragraph of your first post was pretty passive aggressive. It's a bit silly to jump from people not replying to messages to assuming they don't want you in their lives and must be communicating via some other, mysterious means that you've never heard of.

I think if you only ever communicate with people via messages you lose all the human connection that makes it worth being friends. They become words on a screen and it's easy to let the friendship slide, because they're no different from all the other words on the screen. I find I need to chat and laugh with them, on the phone or video call if not in person. Doing that, even infrequently, is much more bonding than ongoing text conversations.