What made your childhood good?

[BiLuminous]

Like others, I constantly worry Im giving my children shit childhoods or messing them up. So many people seem to resent their parents. Im estranged as I put myself into care as a teen. I want to have a healthy family and a good upbringing for them, but feel Im carrying on some of the cycles as I divorced their dad a few years ago when they were very young.

If you had a good childhood, why do you think that was? I know theirs is very different to mine in so many ways but I want to be better.

Having parents who loved me. Freedoms.

Mine was a childhood in many parts, but:

• Waking up to the sound of my DSM playing the piano (beautifully)
• Tackling the big gardening jobs as a family
• Trips to the seaside, those long lovely days hunting for shells and pretty pebbles...
• bickering cheerfully with my siblings
• DSM teaching me to sing, play instruments, catch a ball
• bedtime stories

For Dh, I think he was always accepted for who and what he is.

I asked my DS17 the other day what his happiest times were when growing up. He simply said, being at home with you and Dad.
He remembers things like going to theme parks, days ,out, beaches, camping trips, fishing etc,but cherrishes the simple time when we were just at home pottering around.

My Mother let us in the main raise ourselves, I am number 5 of 6. She was a bohemian beauty far too wrapped up in her head and career. She had travelled a lot, lived in South Africa, been a model, trapeze artist and ballet dancer

She was incredibly interesting, a fantastic yarn spinner. She was fascinating but not remotely maternal.

We ran wild. We lived less than 5 minutes to a famous English beach. My life was spent on that beach, nearly drowned a couple of times. It made us very independent and imaginative.

She actually gave us lessons in deportment, ballet and conversation to polish us up, yes really.

Our childhood was pretty rough in lots of ways and I don’t have any happy memories but I do appreciate my parents for:

A great education
Teaching me to understand money and read things before you sign them
A huge appreciation of culture and travel
Taking us to interesting places abroad
Encouraging independence

We didn’t have a lot of fun with them bu lt they did the best the could.

For Dh, I think he was always accepted for who and what he is.

That is lovely. I also think it's important to show your children that you accept yourself for who you are. For instance, even if your home is small, don't be so embarrassed that you don't let your kids have friends around. Instead, optimise what you have to provide the most possible joy for them.

Children need to see their parents as being strong and I think a large part of that strength comes from accepting ourselves and not always comparing ourselves to others.

It was very clear that my parents liked and wanted children - in some ways we had quite a dysfunctional family life but they both spent a lot of time and energy on making our childhood rich and full - for example by making things for us (like furniture, toys and play equipment made by my dad, or food, arts and craft activities, clothes, etc made by my mum). Seeking out interesting and child-friendly activities for us. It wasn’t an era when people expressed love with words but those actions were very telling I think.

My Mum was always fun when I was small. I didn't really notice how we were quite poor as we never seemed to be short of essentials, but waste was not tolerated. My grandparents really brought a feeling of being loved and cherished though. They always made me feel special and worthwhile. They talked to me, spent enormous amounts of time with me and spoilt me in little ways. Things like breakfast in bed when I visited and always cooking food I enjoyed. They didn't have a lot of money either but were generous and loving.

@Strangevipers

Parents who didn't pressure me to get straight As but said just do your best

Turned up for school plays or sports day etc

Spend hours at the park

Let me stay up late in the holidays

Didn't smother me but didn't let me run riot either

But to be honest just general quality time together chatting about our days or all watching a movie together aswel as the above

Those are the things kids remember

I do all these things with my DD so l hope she appreciates it as you do with your parents.
Add in there she has plenty of friends round for sleepovers etc but also has her own time when she needs it

I don’t think you quite appreciate your childhood until you look back with adult eyes.

Playing out, as in the freedom to roam about the area.

Far less traffic, so the above was much safer and easier, could cross the main road at the age of 7 without any adult present.

Less pressure at school.

No mobile phones or social media. I am so grateful that I was able to live through my teenage years/early twenties without the curse of either.

Self esteem, positivity, recognition & affection.

I felt supported and confident that I was very much loved.
My parents would take a lot of time helping me with things for example homework, even as a teenager. Spend time reading to me as a child, even until chapter books (Harry Potter 3 was the last book they read me). Making sure I had a birthday party every year and was made to feel special and cared about by our more extended family and close circle of family friends inc other children.

My parents were always thrilled for me for small achievements (a swimming certificate, a part in a school play, finally being able to do the monkey bars, passing GCSES) and it helped with feeling good about myself and happy. Knowing they truly were routing for me.

My parents spent alot of time with us - mum was really creative so we did lots of art and crafts, baking etc. Dad would play outside with us all the time. There was alot of fun and laughter. We had a huge garden (lived on a farm in the country) and spent a lot of time outdoors by ourselves too - exploring, climbing trees, running around the fields etc.

I do feel I haven't been able to give my own kids the same quality of upbringing at all which I feel guilty about. I work more than my mum did so I don't have same quality time with the kids. Plus we live in the city and don't have the same space for outdoor play and exploration.

My parents were not perfect by any stretch. We didn't have much money. But I knew I was loved

I always felt valued . I remember my dad doing some carpentry in the garage and I started fiddling about with an off cut of wood , I drilled a few holes in it and then painted it ( a shade of vile beige ) I declared that it was meant to be a pencil holder but it was a bit rubbish. My lovely dad said it was perfect and to this day it sits in his office with his pens in it.

Siblings and my Mum not working and being around for us

I had a mixed childhood. The stuff that made it good were:

I knew without doubt my parents loved me (knew because they were affectionate, hugs etc, and looked at me with love in their eyes even when cross)
The rules of right and wrong didn't change so I always knew where I stood and it felt fair if I was in trouble.
They were interested in me - happy to talk to me, noticed if I did something well, taught me to ride a bike etc.
I was cared for as far as their money allowed, so doctor dentist etc we were poor so I never got things but I wasn't neglected.
I was shown beauty, e.g we went walking often and lovely plants or views were pointed out, but this appreciation of lovely things popped up in various places not just nature walks, someone being kind, making nice food, it was noticed and brought lovely things to my attention which meant being poor mattered less, there was still beauty around us.
They had nice friends so the world felt safe.

Things that were not good :
They were not well equipped to deal with parenting children concerning relationships. Their own upbringing (and their generational culture) had not prepared them well for this. So when I was born they handled introducing me to my older sibling very badly, then managed the subsequent dynamic between us very badly and it was 20+ years of sibling hatred directed at me. My parents denied my experience (of living with a tyrant bully) was happening so I was gaslighted (not maliciously, they were just incompetent at this aspect of parenting) all through my childhood. They could not manage to cope with confrontation, so never took charge of it. Instead they taught me to be a good little quiet victim as the less I resisted the sooner the storm blew over. You can imagine how helpful this particular lesson was in life. My older sibling wore the trousers in that house as a result of their anger being allowed to dictate everything (parents wanted to appease at all costs). The way to avoid that is to teach mutual respect, be the final authority in your home (in a fair way) and never elevate any one person's feelings as being more important than another's in your home (including your own). Fairness should rule and you should be the benign judge and teacher that sees to it that fairness happens.

My parents were divorced. I'd say that what made my childhood happy was:

Humour - we all laugh at the absurd and silly.
Traditions - we have lots of family traditions and routines and although this can be a little bit restrictive, I think they gave that sense of security and generational links.
Freedom - we were able to pursue our own interests and be different people.
Games - we are all big board/card game players which is a great shared activity and teaches a lot of lessons.
Music - I always remember there being music on every occasion, whether cheesy Christmas songs, piano-playing or the radio.

What wasn't so good:
Estrangement / badmouthing of other parent
Hot tempers
Inflexibility around change
Lack of boundaries

As an adult & parent now myself, I can see more clearly that no childhood is perfect, no matter the circumstances, and no parent gets is right all the time. I try not to feel the guilt that I know my mum felt a lot of the time, but reflect on mistakes and keep trying to improve!

Fabulous parents and ability to play outdoors independently :)

The only good things I remember are things that happened in the park. Just going to the park, the fair, Bonfire Night.

These are things I’m grateful for (though not all of them at the time)
Making our own choices
Spent a lot of time outdoors
Traditions like treat Sunday morning breakfasts, film nights, playing games on boring rainy days.
Reading, lots of reading.
Doing chores
Expecting to do well in school and being told off if I wasn’t putting effort in.

For me
Consistency...could totally rely on my parents to be who they were..to be where they said they'd be etc
totally predictable
Family meals every day with lots of chat around the table...big family. Home cooking!
Lots of engagement with extended family which l loved
Being encouraged to help neighbours, elderly relatives alongside parents so given responsibility
DM always interested in our school work, friends etc
Lots of time outdoors as lived in the countryside
Just times at home, reading, chatting, playing board games,
Wasn't ideal as we fought as siblings, my dm suffered from anxiety, having a big family meant stretched resources but overall we are still very close and supportive to each other in our 50s/ 60s

My childhood felt safe. I was loved unconditionally and my parents were always there for me.

My own dd is an adult now. We are very close and she openly adores me. I was very poor when my dc were young and worried endlessly that I wasn't 'good enough'
She describes her childhood as full of love and me as being supportive and incredibly good at listening to her and always being there (day and night when she was a teenager!)