Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

Actually OP reminds me of my dm who would chew on and moan about problems constantly and never actually want them solved.

You had been with your employer for 8 years, you were 31 - you hadn’t progressed and you were on £22k a year.

Correct?

But you can still stay active in the research community. How do you think people managed it during lockdown? It's just excuse after excuse

Hahahahahah
look at the data around academic publications during lockdown. Men's output increased while women's stalled and was almost non-existent. This was die to women taking on more of the childcare and homeschooling
Have you any idea how challenging it is to 'stay active' as a researcher when you aren't employed in a relevant/related job? It's pretty much impossible especially when you don't have childcare.

My point is
I don’t think you should see having children as some enormous lost career opportunity

Duchess as I said I work in a good job and have an academic background. But I hate the sneering at parenthood. Parts of any job - no matter how great - is also monotony and drudge. That’s the truth. Conversely parenthood - and childcare generally - involves being intellectually curious, flexible, creative, problem solving, resilience, you name it. And I’m not sure why work admin for example is in any way superior to changing nappies. Both are less than glamorous things we need to do. And i personally prefer to have a child ask me a question six times than an annoying colleague doing the same thing because they’ve not read an email properly. Children are a lot funnier for starters.

Particularly given fact that you were ready to make this big leap at the time when covid hit

Look at the positives.

You have a PHD and the qualifications you need.

You have a child and the most expensive childcare years are almost done.

You can begin again. Now.

@EarlGreywithLemon

OP I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- with both of you working full time you were never going to be able to cover school pick ups and drop offs, school holidays and sickness just between the two of you without using some sort of wrap around care additional to school. Your plan was doomed to failure from the very beginning, pandemic or no pandemic. If anything the pandemic has made something like that more realistic with a lot more working from home all around.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Op, you're absolutely consumed with hatred toward your husband, that anything anyone says you aren't taking on board at all. It absolutely makes sense for him to keep his job, which is high pay and keeping a roof over your child's head, than risk issues with his employer for you to start a new job. You would be absolutely buggered if you'd both lost your jobs. My Dh was made redundant mid Covid, like a lot of others, and it was hell. I have a small business from home, which absolutely doesn't keep us afloat by itself. It was 6 months of complete terror. You're incredibly bitter. Your Dh has no right to speak to you the way he does, not at all. But I do see his side. If you get another job once you do, you'll still be responsible for childcare during your time with your dc so it runs the same risks, so don't leave just to force 50/50 as it won't actually change your work situation in the long run. You've had a tonne of advice, now you need to actually decide what you're going to do, rather than focus on continuing to explain how much of a dick he is, and how the world is against you. It's shit, we've all had a kicking due to Covid - dust yourself off and decide how you want to live your life.

@EarlGreywithLemon

Duchess as I said I work in a good job and have an academic background. But I hate the sneering at parenthood. Parts of any job - no matter how great - is also monotony and drudge. That’s the truth. Conversely parenthood - and childcare generally - involves being intellectually curious, flexible, creative, problem solving, resilience, you name it. And I’m not sure why work admin for example is in any way superior to changing nappies. Both are less than glamorous things we need to do. And i personally prefer to have a child ask me a question six times than an annoying colleague doing the same thing because they’ve not read an email properly. Children are a lot funnier for starters.

This

I am a single parent in a very good job that I love

But… I never ever see it as better than being a parent or in any sense more productive or superior. Different

Every day family life Op…

I’m guessing it’s a poisonous atmosphere at home?

OP you're ignoring all of the (many) posters who are telling you stop dwelling on the past and asking you what you're going to do now going forward?

You've had a lot of advice. No amount if anger and venom will change the past, you're in the situation you are in. So now what?

You realise if you get divorced he’ll go off with new partner, likely have new family and pay minimal maintenance and do even less childcare than he offers you now?
1-2 hours a day you say he does. I’d kill for that!
You both need to have a grown up conversation and stop trying to both continue as if you don’t have kids.
You do.
There’s sacrifice involved. Sadly.
You can continue to rage against the world but it’s you and your child that will suffer. As I say, he’ll just move on.

@NeverHomeAlone

OP you're ignoring all of the (many) posters who are telling you stop dwelling on the past and asking you what you're going to do now going forward?

You've had a lot of advice. No amount if anger and venom will change the past, you're in the situation you are in. So now what?

I do agree with this. Time to be solution focused.

I'm a qualified careers adviser so feel free to PM if you'd like a chat/some advice on how to move forward.

You had been with your employer for 8 years, you were 31 - you hadn’t progressed and you were on £22k a year
I spent 5 years doing a lab based job to fund my PhD. During that time I got £15k in my pocket and the rest went to pay my PhD fees. At 28 I finished the PhD and switched to an entry level research job paying £22k. Getting any research job at all after finishing a PhD is a massive achievement, most PhD graduates don’t manage that because there are very few jobs. I made significant progress in terms of scientific recognition and publications but that doesn’t translate to increased salary. At 31 I was just starting to apply for higher level research posts paying closer to £30k but I got pregnant. It’s a fairly normal career path for a PhD graduate - science doesn’t pay a lot, it’s a vocation.

Would you charge @SpinsForGin?

1-2 hours a day you say he does. I’d kill for that!
Just because your husband is even shittier than mine doesn’t mean that mine isn’t also shit.

If you put half your effort into finding a job and getting DC into childcare as you have spouting hate about your husband and parenting responsibilities you'd likely feel much better about your situation being proactive. You just seem to want to moan, whinge and bitch about what a hard hand you've been given and do sod all to fix it. What a pointless thread.

@Maiasaur

You had been with your employer for 8 years, you were 31 - you hadn’t progressed and you were on £22k a year I spent 5 years doing a lab based job to fund my PhD. During that time I got £15k in my pocket and the rest went to pay my PhD fees. At 28 I finished the PhD and switched to an entry level research job paying £22k. Getting any research job at all after finishing a PhD is a massive achievement, most PhD graduates don’t manage that because there are very few jobs. I made significant progress in terms of scientific recognition and publications but that doesn’t translate to increased salary. At 31 I was just starting to apply for higher level research posts paying closer to £30k but I got pregnant. It’s a fairly normal career path for a PhD graduate - science doesn’t pay a lot, it’s a vocation.

All that would have been shut down in covid Probably only slowly starting to open up now

@TedMullins

This thread is making my blood boil. How anyone can defend the husband is beyond me, and an incredibly depressing reminder of how little feminism has actually achieved, that there are women on here thinking his behaviour is any way reasonable. Why should the OP be the one sucking it up and making all the sacrifices, especially when her hand is being forced by this abusive man? It’s all very well telling her having a child means making sacrifices and if she’s not working she should do all the grunt work blah blah, but why aren’t the people leaping to the husband’s defence saying HE should be making sacrifices too? Sorry, but no job save perhaps an emergency medical worker is too important for someone to have to leave early a couple of times to pick up their kids, or miss a day if the child is sick. That’s life. His employer sounds archaic and the fact he’s a father with responsibilities means he simply cannot work somewhere like that. In an ideal world, OP would simply get a job and go out to work and tell him ‘tough’ exactly like he’s doing to her, leaving him no choice but to do the childcare, again, like he is doing to her. But it sounds like he can’t be trusted to even look after his own kid or leave it with someone who can be trusted. So not only is he an abusive husband, he’s a neglectful father.

The paid childcare is a red herring. Yes, she could and probably should use it to get her career back on track but that won’t change the fact her husband is a deeply misogynist c*nt.

Honestly this thread and the people defending the husband are such a depressing indictment of society and how deep misogyny runs, and how rampant it is among some women. A great advert for never having kids because men and society are too sexist to actually support women in retaining their own lives after motherhood. And OP’s right, motherhood isn’t an achievement (apologies to those who struggled to conceive but it’s not a question of achievement). OP is perfectly entitled to want professional attainment and recognition and to make advances as an individual separate to her status as a mother.

Indeed. And to me this is what lies at the root of the anti-abortion policies of the far right. If you can force women into motherhood then you can control and abuse and subjugate them.

It's a lot harder to control women who don't have kids.

It is surprising that they didn’t promote you as you entered final years of Phd?

Annual tuition for part time phd very very unlikely more than £5k a year

I’m guessing it’s a poisonous atmosphere at home?
I stay out of his way. He’s a twat. Anyway I’ve been mostly sleeping in the spare room since DC was born because he refused to have the baby monitor in our bedroom in case it woke him up, or in case I woke him up when I got out of bed to look after the baby. He’s so important, he can’t possibly be woken up at night because it might affect his performance the next day.

@Oftenithinkaboutit

You had been with your employer for 8 years, you were 31 - you hadn’t progressed and you were on £22k a year.

Correct?

8 years with the same employer with barely any pay rises, plus they got rid of OP at the first opportunity

But she has spun this into a narrative of somehow having a stellar career that was on the verge of taking off were it not for having a baby

It doesn’t add up and seems like OP is gaslighting herself to justify the seething anger she has towards her child and husband

"The burden of childcare" really stuck out to me. Never have kids if looking after them is a burden.
I feel sorry for your child in all this. 2 parents who don't want him. I'm sure he's picked up on it all.

If DH is such a cunt and you want to be happy and independent then divorce him.
If you want to stay with him then you both need to get to the root of your problems.
Go to couples therapy. Or leave. I don't see any other options. You're both going around in circles.

@Oftenithinkaboutit

Would you charge *@SpinsForGin*?

No. I don't work as a careers adviser anymore but I'm very active in the sector in a research capacity and train advisers so my skills are up to date.. I'm also still registered with my professional body and I'm on the professional register.

I really feel for the OP so was just offering to help....

Usually someone who has been with an employer for many years
In final stages of Phd

You don’t need to go for a promotion
They are offering you a more senior job to keep you!