Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

How old are you op?

@DampSquidGames

WeCalledTheDogIndiana that’s a lot of ransoms!

😂🤦🏼‍♀️

@EarlGreywithLemon

And I’m sorry Duchess, but being a good parent (mother or father) is an achievement and a lot of thought goes into it. I say that as someone with a career, who also hugely enjoys parenting my daughter and see it as something to be proud of.

Well the father certainly isn’t achieving anything anywhere near being a good parent then is he!

Look OP. Stop looking back.

Deal with the here and now.

If you stay with your husband he won’t change job, he won’t take responsibility 50% and you still need a career and childcare.

If you leave your husband he won’t change job, he won’t take responsibility and you still need a job and childcare.

Unless you can get him to hear you - by talking it through with an outside party, a counsellor - then he won’t change.

So you have to decide.

OP - you’re in a rubbish situation. But staying in the same location, with internet etc. Not having to think about new rental and setting up home will make it EASIER and QUICKER to find a job. Some tech companies are really flexible. I look after my kids on 1 day and make up the hours when kids are in bed or weekend (on a FT contract). Take the first steps of getting out of your situation.

OP you've had quite a few years at home with your child now, have you made any attempt at all to keep up with your career? Have you published any scientific articles?
I read. But I don’t have access to a lab to gather research data to publish. That isn’t my fault. You can’t do lab based research in your kitchen at home.

I haven't read the whole thread, only your posts, OP @Maiasaur but I just wanted to say that I can completely understand why you are so furious. Your rage is palpable. And totally understandable. You are very eloquently describing the massively unfair situation lots of women find themselves in (fucking patriarchy) and I really don't get why so many people are seemingly disagreeing with you (this might not be fair... Like I said, I've only read OP posts so her quoting might be skewed towards the negative).

You are in an impossible situation and it's just not fair. I'm raging for you. Other than that, though, I don't have any suggestions (beyond, obviously, LTB). Have a shit ton of sympathy, for what it's worth .

Look into Civil Service roles. They offer remote and flexible often. I know a lot of people who do 3-4 days and take the pro rata salary. And they are good with sickness too, by which I mean they follow the law and don't make a stink when you get sick like some employers do.

Ok so 36 pages later - what are you going to do...?
Your DH sucks, we all know.
What is your escape plan?

@Maiasaur

OP you've had quite a few years at home with your child now, have you made any attempt at all to keep up with your career? Have you published any scientific articles? I read. But I don’t have access to a lab to gather research data to publish. That isn’t my fault. You can’t do lab based research in your kitchen at home.

But you can still stay active in the research community. How do you think people managed it during lockdown? It's just excuse after excuse

I haven’t even worked enough years to get a state pension

By claiming child benefit you get a pension credit as well - important to do this, even if it is then repaid through his tax return. That will give you 18 years of pension credit (or from now until your child turns 18 if you aren't already).

Get out.

Your DH is a dick and won't change.

It won't be easy in the short term. He will be an arse about it, but long term show your child you are worth more than this dope.

@Maiasaur

OP you've had quite a few years at home with your child now, have you made any attempt at all to keep up with your career? Have you published any scientific articles? I read. But I don’t have access to a lab to gather research data to publish. That isn’t my fault. You can’t do lab based research in your kitchen at home.

Labs shut from early early on in covid Op - you were at embryonic stage of your career on that salary and so soon out of university. I don’t think you need to worry about your career having been stalled by chlldren

@EarlGreywithLemon

And I’m sorry Duchess, but being a good parent (mother or father) is an achievement and a lot of thought goes into it. I say that as someone with a career, who also hugely enjoys parenting my daughter and see it as something to be proud of.

And that's great. But some women aspire to be more than just a mum. I knew from a very early age that I wasn't interested in dealing with kids & all the parenting that comes with it. All the monotonous stuff, being asked a zillion questions why the sky is blue & the grass is green. Op clearly has a scientific background & was career driven. Now she's traded Petri dishes for shitty nappies & snotty colds. It's not enough. It's not fulfilling for some women. That's just how we are.

How old are you op?
35. I started working and doing a part-time PhD with my employer at 23. Completed it at 28. Worked till I was 31. Was literally in the middle of applying for promotions into higher paid positions when I got pregnant. Then got fucked over by motherhood and pandemic so have been stuck at home with DC since then.

You were on £22k at 31 years old?

Undirected rage doesn't help, if anything it holds you back.

Childcare costs would be factored in to any financial settlement.

Assume he'll do the bare minimum (sadly you can't force it) and get a decent solicitor.

OP do you have any family or friends you could stay with who may help you with childcare so you can get some rest and get your breath back a bit? (Though it's shitty that the default is you having to take the kid than the dad doing his share of parenting)

What were you doing before 23?

PS Both DH and I have worked around kids, working from home since they were babies (oldest now a teenager) and we earn a good amount. It could be done before Covid – and should be even more possible now.

@Maiasaur - but you’re not doing anything at the moment except stewing angrily.

Of course some people are luckier. The woman up the road had her dm turn up at 7.30am every day and stay all day looking after her gc. Then she had the nerve to sneer at my “mum job” and say “I could never let my brain rot.” A friend of mine with a Huge Career has an artist dh, so she never had any childcare worries. Plenty of us have a dh who works long hours and no parental help. No parents at all in my case.
There is no option but to pay through the nose for childcare and do a lot of juggling.

@Maiasaur

Above sounds like my life! But I make it work. So do millions of other mothers. So can you, if you really want to that is. Why should I have to? My child has two parents. If he isn’t going to take 50% of the hit then he can fuck off because I’m not benefiting from him being there.

But you can use what he’s bringing. You can use his income to pay childcare, allowing you to work.

It’s an annoying phrase but “we are where we are”. Yes you’re angry, but there comes a point where it’s healthier to accept what’s gone and actively look to change things. You can’t change the start point but you can change the destination.

@Changes17 you only get credits up to your child's 12 the birthday

Op - you were at embryonic stage of your career on that salary and so soon out of university
I had been with my employer for 8 years. Finished being a university student at 22 and I was 31 when I got pregnant. So I wasn’t straight out of university, no.

What were you doing before 23?
Degree and masters. Obviously otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get a job at 23 that involved doing a PhD.